January 2013 Moms

Frustrated with my hubby...

As much as I didn't want to I returned to work on May 28. The first week went good but as the weeks go on my separation anxiety has gotten worse. Not to mention last week Chris wasn't breastfeeding and that added to the already uneasy week. Hubby and I had a talk last night and I'm so hurt! My weight bothers him and he feels that I'm not making any strides to working out and he feels that I should be cooking more when I get home because that's what he did for me while I was on leave. Prior to getting pregnant I was 212lbs, I'm 6'0 tall. I ended up gaining 16 pounds when Chris was delivered at 39 weeks 2 days. When I weighed myself last Thursday I was 210lbs. I think I've done a damn good job with keeping off my baby weight and I feel that everyone recognizes it BUT my husband. Chris was 7lbs 10 ounces so I didn't really gain much if any weight but sheesh...give me a flippin' break! Then he complains that I'm not cooking...Um can I adjust to being a working mom! I haven't been back to work for a month and he's already giving me $hit!! 

Those two things have caused him to me more distant and had I not brought up the conversation they would have continued to create a bigger wedge between us. I'm upset because I don't want my son growing up in a household like this. Hubby has never been a good communicator but things were progressing prior to me getting pregnant. No he's gone back into this little hole and keeps his mouth shut when he needs to speak up. I feel I make it easy for him to talk to me. I always ask him if how are things or if he needs to talk about something and I'm genuine. I found a couples therapist because I think we're better off getting help now than later but have any of your marriages change after baby? 

Mommy's Little Muscle Man!


Re: Frustrated with my hubby...

  • If DH made any comments about my weight before or after popping out his child I'd castrate him. Your husband should be a source of encouragement and support. period.

    That being said we hike on the weekends as a family and go for walks together. I'm not interested in spending more time away from DS than I already do at work. Just being active together helps. We share cooking, cleaning, and child care duties.

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  • Yeah, if DH gave me crap about my weight....don't even get me started. That said, we also are pretty active people -- we take turns watching the girls to get out for runs on the weekend, squeeze in workouts during the week -- either early in the AM (or I'm able to get to our work gym over lunch for spin class a couple of times a week).

    As for cooking, neither of us are doing a lot of that these days. We stock up on semi-healthy frozen meals from Sams for the most part and throw those in when we get home at the end of the day. I get 2 hours a day with my girls at the end of the day. You can better believe I'm not going to be spending that time cooking. There will be time for cooking -- but not today, not now. My time is going to be spent with my girls. 

    A therapist might be helpful. Raising a LO MUST be a team effort. The communication lines have got to be open. GL!

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  • Honestly, your H sounds like an ahole.  I really have no frame of reference for dealing with this.  

    Is this new behavior?  If it is, maybe there is something about baby's arrival that's carrying over to make him act unreasonably.  If not, I think he's probably just an ahole.  

    Either way, I think it sounds like you guys could benefit from a third party helping you to be better communicators.  Things definitely won't get any better or easier if this is how it's going now.  I think you're right to be proactive about it. 

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  • i know that weight is a very touchy subject especially after having a baby and I am sorry your feelings were hurt by your husband, that is hard. However, I won't say he was being nothing but a big fat jerk. I do think the tone in which he presented his feelings plays a huge part which only you know how that went. if he was verbally abusive towards your weight that would be worrisome but if he was just expressing how he would like it if you would work towards losing weight then maybe you two can find ways that he can be encouraging towards a healthier lifestyle. I don't think there is anything essentially wrong with desiring your spouse to lose some weight BUT it is so hard to communicate that without coming across as rude or hurtful. Maybe y'all can start working out and cooking TOGETHER. It can be great for a marriage to work on a goal together. Even if y'all just went out for walks together..that opens up a great opportunity to talk and communicate while getting some fresh air and exercise...exercise might even help with your separation anxiety. I think good health is beneficial for all aspects of life. I hope you and your husband can calmly talk more about this, encourage each other with kindness and love, and be of good support to each other.

  • To add, it sounds like he wouldn't have ever brought it up if you hadn't asked. Isn't it great how we set ourselves up to hear things we don't necessarily want to hear. I don't think it is fair for anyone on here to completely judge him as an ahole without knowing what kind of tone he used with you. Sure, he should totally cut you slack after having a baby and getting back to work but it sounds like he was kinda forced to be honest with his feelings (whether right or not). 

  • image sbevmc09:

    Honestly, your H sounds like an ahole.  I really have no frame of reference for dealing with this.  

    Is this new behavior?  If it is, maybe there is something about baby's arrival that's carrying over to make him act unreasonably.  If not, I think he's probably just an ahole.  

    Either way, I think it sounds like you guys could benefit from a third party helping you to be better communicators.  Things definitely won't get any better or easier if this is how it's going now.  I think you're right to be proactive about it. 

    I definitely agree with you! He's an ahole...at times. He always goes back to how active I was when we first met and I remained active until I found out I was pregnant. I was taking an African dance class and enjoyed it! I've been dancing for years and I've found that for long term fitness that's how I stay on track...dancing not going to the gym. Right now my main priority is spending time with my baby! I'm already missing moments while I'm at work and cooking and working out is not on my top list of priorities right now. Not to mention I don't want to mess up my supply. So to answer your question it's not new behavior but I was hoping he would try to understand my perspective. 

    Mommy's Little Muscle Man!

  • Wow, I'm sorry he's talking to you that way. Like PP said, he should be there for you and support everything you do. Your baby and family is what's important, these times go by way too fast. I definitely think you guys should talk about it, with a counselor or what ever is best for you. You don't want this to keep going and have more tension and problems.
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  • If DH said anything about my weight I would kill him (just kidding). He needs to recognize what your body has been through over the past year or so and get over it. It is difficult to fit in work out time. I finally just had to tell my H that I was going to work out every Tuesday and Thursday right after work for 2 hours. So those days I try and put something in the crock pot (because we all know its a PIA to try and cook a meal without your spouse and taking care of LO) that doesn't always work which is why we always have pizza's from Aldi available too and other quick freezer meals...or left overs. 

    Generally I do more cleaning of the inside of the house and DH does more work outside (mows/trims yard, takes trash/recycling out, keeps garage clean, etc.) but DH also does laundry, dishwasher duty and picks up after himself. So I'm not complaining.

    Sounds like the two of  you need to sit down and have a talk of expectations and let him know you are concerned about your relationship and you need to discuss it.  

    DS has been in d/c since he was 6 weeks old and honestly I'm just getting into a routine of being a working Mom (we have had some hellish moments!). It takes a while to adjust, it takes time to learn to prepare...you both need to recognize that.

    (((hugs)))) I hope you both can communicate better and figure it out. Remember you are a team....and only by being a team will it work.  

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  • Does he realize that extreme dieting or exercise will hurt your supply?  Like you, I am also slightly under my pre-pregnancy weight, but it's all disproportionate.  I definitely notice a dip in production if I don't eat a LOT, so I have been trying not to lose any more.

    I have told my husband that I'll make an effort to look good in a bikini NEXT summer - this summer, my priority is to feed our baby which means eating enough calories to keep my supply up.  My DH is really only concerned with the baby weight that HE gained, since he doesn't have an excuse! 

    We have been doing family walks every night lately with the baby and dogs - just 1-2 miles.  But I was so worn out my first month back at work...maybe you could suggest some family outings once you're more settled in at work.  He should support you instead of being so critical, but sounds like he may need a reminder.

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  • I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. While DH hasn't said anything about my weight, our marriage has seriously gone down hill since LOs arrival. We tend to have a lot of highs and lows, which is always tough because you never know what to expect. One thing that did help was going away for a night without the baby. We had a lot of fun and things were better for a little while. I'm sorry I don't have more advice, but more so can commiserate with you. We fight a lot and I've already suggested a marriage counselor which of course to him is absurd. I just keep hoping if I keep trying it will get better!

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  • Oh wow, I'm so sorry that you are being treated that way! If my hubby made just one comment about my weight, my head would start spinning! It is a very sensitive topic that should be avoided. Our bodies went through a major change and needs time to adjust. What the hell? My hubby isn't a good communicator either but atleast he knows what comments are off limits if he wants to continue living! I would try expressing to your hubby how his comments make you feel. I sure hope things get better for you.
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