October 2012 Moms

Counseling...

I know a few of you on here have gone to or are currently going to marriage counseling. Do you think it helps? I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel like I'm at my breaking point with him. It's so up and down and I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted.

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Re: Counseling...

  • nealblnealbl
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 250 Answers 500 Love Its
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    I think even good marriages can benefit from counseling. It is always good to learn how to better communicate with your spouse.

    My thoughts are you should try everything you can to save your marriage. That way in the end if it just doesn't work out you can know you tried your best.
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  • I can't speak to marriage counseling, but I can speak to counseling in general. I highly recommend it. It was a life saver for me. It's so helpful to have your feelings heard and understood by an impartial third party. I also agree with neabl (I think that's right). Even good marriages can benefit from it.

    Huge hugs girl! I know you're struggling right now. I think you should definitely seek a counselor out. If I were still near my counselor, I would've sought her out a number of times recently. Good luck!! And I am very sorry things are so rough right now.



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    "Benny cures everything.  He's the breastmilk of people." ~CinemaGoddess
  • I went with my ex h but it didn't help

    We have gone now to help us deal w the crazy issues we have w SD's biomom and it's been great.


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  • Counseling in general can be very helpful with the right counselor (which is paramount -- don't be afraid to switch counselors if you don't like your first). The key is that you're both willing and open to change. Advice and criticism is sometimes hard to hear. So both of you need to be open to the idea of counseling, or it won't work. 

    Other than that, I can only offer hugs. Sooo, I offer up big creepy Internet hugs.  

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  • Also I don't know what's going on but sorry you're having a hard time!


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  • image nealbl:
    I think even good marriages can benefit from counseling. It is always good to learn how to better communicate with your spouse. My thoughts are you should try everything you can to save your marriage. That way in the end if it just doesn't work out you can know you tried your best.

    I agree with all of this. I don't really have advice regarding the counseling but my husband and I went through a rough patch two years before we had Viv and I thought there was no hope at one point. We were able to work it out on our own and things are great. I don't know your situation, but if you think it's worth saving, then I believe in putting forth every effort in doing so. I'm so sorry you're going through this.  

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  • I dont have any advice just wishing youguys the best and hopefully you can iron out the issues you're facing.
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    MurphyBearsMom Blog
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  • Ditto pps that counseling is always helpful. GL!!!
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  • I am so sorry you guys are having a rough time, I am living it too. Please feel free to PM me if you need to vent. MH wont go to counseling but I am considering going to work VERY part time so I dont have to use his money to get some help for myself.
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  • image candaceleigh21:
    I am so sorry you guys are having a rough time, I am living it too. Please feel free to PM me if you need to vent. MH wont go to counseling but I am considering going to work VERY part time so I dont have to use his money to get some help for myself.

    Big hugs, Candace.  

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  • Just wanted to throw a random note out there, StephCarter, to say that I feel a kinship with you because I assume your name is Stephanie, and mine is too. 

    Also, your baby is, like, the most adorable baby ever.

    So...I hope you and your husband find success in marital counseling.  Keep us updated!

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  • Hugs. I'm sorry your going through this.
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  • Thanks everyone. For the advice, the hugs, the support. You guys are amazing.

    What kills me is that he really thinks that nothing is wrong. But maybe that's because I don't say or do things that make him feel horrible. I love him, and I believe he loves me, but he makes me feel worthless, neglected, rejected, just horrible. And I'm not even sure he does it intentionally, but it happens a lot. After 8 years of it, I'm just torn apart.

    And Zieg, yay for another Steph. And thanks!

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  • CK2MDCK2MD
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    member

    My experience with couples therapy is different than PPs in that I have participated in couples therapy as the therapist. I feel like my marriage has benefitted from just training to do couples counseling, working with a few couples, and watching other trainees learn counseling... and I wasn't even married to MH at the time. It gave me insight into common ineffective ways in which couples deal with conflict, and ways avoid getting caught in the same old fight cycle. I saw some couples repair their relationships and others decide to end theirs. Even in the couples who split after therapy, they gained insight that will ultimately help them with future relationships.

     

     

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  • image stephcarter:
    Thanks everyone. For the advice, the hugs, the support. You guys are amazing. What kills me is that he really thinks that nothing is wrong. But maybe that's because I don't say or do things that make him feel horrible. I love him, and I believe he loves me, but he makes me feel worthless, neglected, rejected, just horrible. And I'm not even sure he does it intentionally, but it happens a lot. After 8 years of it, I'm just torn apart. And Zieg, yay for another Steph. And thanks!

    Counseling is still worth a try.  But in my experience, you only get what you give in the self-improvement category.  A good friend of mine is in marriage counseling with her husband, and she says it's not going well because he "doesn't like being told how to be married."  If he's too stubborn to budge, you might just find it incredibly frustrating.  But who knows, the right counselor might be able to get through to him.  The emotions you say you are feeling as a result of his behavior are serious and need to be addressed.  Nobody -- especially not your husband and partner in life -- should make you feel that way.

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  • image ThisIsBrea:
    I can't speak to marriage counseling, but I can speak to counseling in general. I highly recommend it. It was a life saver for me. It's so helpful to have your feelings heard and understood by an impartial third party. I also agree with neabl I think that's right. Even good marriages can benefit from it.Huge hugs girl! I know you're struggling right now. I think you should definitely seek a counselor out. If I were still near my counselor, I would've sought her out a number of times recently. Good luck!! And I am very sorry things are so rough right now.

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  • image Ziegeficker:

    image stephcarter:
    Thanks everyone. For the advice, the hugs, the support. You guys are amazing.

    What kills me is that he really thinks that nothing is wrong. But maybe that's because I don't say or do things that make him feel horrible. I love him, and I believe he loves me, but he makes me feel worthless, neglected, rejected, just horrible. And I'm not even sure he does it intentionally, but it happens a lot. After 8 years of it, I'm just torn apart.

    And Zieg, yay for another Steph. And thanks!

    Counseling is still worth a try.  But in my experience, you only get what you give in the self-improvement category.  A good friend of mine is in marriage counseling with her husband, and she says it's not going well because he "doesn't like being told how to be married."  If he's too stubborn to budge, you might just find it incredibly frustrating.  But who knows, the right counselor might be able to get through to him.  The emotions you say you are feeling as a result of his behavior are serious and need to be addressed.  Nobody -- especially not your husband and partner in life -- should make you feel that way.



    That's what makes it so hard. I feel like he's the one person who should be making me feel good about myself. I told him I wish he would be more affectionate towards me in the little bit of time we get together and his response was, "we aren't kids". Maybe I'm too needy but I feel like he isn't around a lot and a hug isn't that much to ask for sometimes.

    We argue and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. My brain doesn't work like that.

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  • image stephcarter:
    That's what makes it so hard. I feel like he's the one person who should be making me feel good about myself. I told him I wish he would be more affectionate towards me in the little bit of time we get together and his response was, "we aren't kids". Maybe I'm too needy but I feel like he isn't around a lot and a hug isn't that much to ask for sometimes. We argue and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. My brain doesn't work like that.

    The bolded is why I think you would greatly benefit from independent therapy. He shouldn't have to make you feel good, you should be able to make yourself feel good, do you know what I mean? Like the old adage that only you can control how others make you feel. He also shouldn't be making you feel awful though either. So there are clearly issues on both ends. Individual counseling just may encourage you to communicate your feelings better, and also to take control of how you react to your husband and his issues. *hugs* again!



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    "Benny cures everything.  He's the breastmilk of people." ~CinemaGoddess
  • Sorry you and your husband are going through a rough patch. I hope you guys benefit from counseling if you do decide to go that route. I've never been to counseling, so I can't speak from experience, but I would love to go for my ppd/PPA, but can't afford the copays. Good luck! And here's some creepy Internet hugs!
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  • image ThisIsBrea:

    image stephcarter:

    That's what makes it so hard. I feel like he's the one person who should be making me feel good about myself. I told him I wish he would be more affectionate towards me in the little bit of time we get together and his response was, "we aren't kids". Maybe I'm too needy but I feel like he isn't around a lot and a hug isn't that much to ask for sometimes.

    We argue and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. My brain doesn't work like that.

    The bolded is why I think you would greatly benefit from independent therapy. He shouldn't have to make you feel good, you should be able to make yourself feel good, do you know what I mean? Like the old adage that only you can control how others make you feel. He also shouldn't be making you feel awful though either. So there are clearly issues on both ends. Individual counseling just may encourage you to communicate your feelings better, and also to take control of how you react to your husband and his issues. *hugs* again!



    That makes total sense Brea!! I never really thought about it like that. Maybe I need to focus more on myself in general. I give and I give and I give. Maybe that's part of the problem.

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  • image cardiganmom:
    Sorry you and your husband are going through a rough patch. I hope you guys benefit from counseling if you do decide to go that route. I've never been to counseling, so I can't speak from experience, but I would love to go for my ppd/PPA, but can't afford the copays. Good luck! And here's some creepy Internet hugs!


    I thought about trying to find someone to talk to about PPD because at one point I felt like I was going crazy. I would literally freak out whenever Bailey wouldn't nap. But now she goes down a little better so I feel much better.

    Wish therapy wasnt so expensive. Sending some hugs back to you!!

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  • image CK2MD:
    My experience with couplesnbsp;therapy is different than PPs in that I havenbsp;participated in couplesnbsp;therapy asnbsp;the therapist. I feel like my marriage has benefitted from just training to do couples counseling, working with a few couples, and watching other trainees learn counseling... and I wasn't even married to MH at the time.nbsp;It gave me insight into common ineffective ways in which couples deal with conflict, and ways avoid getting caught in the same old fight cycle. I saw some couples repair their relationships and others decide to end theirs. Even in the couples who split after therapy, they gained insight that will ultimately help them with future relationships.nbsp;


    Interesting. Have you ever had to deal with an unwilling participant and have it turn around and work out?
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    BFP #1 11/2009 natural m/c 1/2010 10 wks
    BFP #2 1/27/2012 He's here!! 

  • I have to say therapy w my ex h wasn't a total lost cause...it really helped with our divorce actually. It was good to have someone in the middle when things were super emotional and heated. 


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