Parenting after 35

Asking for honest feedback

My fiancee and I are both new parents.  I'm 37 and he's 43, our baby is 4 weeks old.  I realize that we need to adjust our lives and daily activities to the baby's schedule.  One thing that has bothered me since we started dating 4 years ago and is still bothering me today is that my fiancee picks his mom up from work twice a week as a courtesy.  There is nothing wrong with her physically.  She is fully capable of taking public transportation or driving herself.  I feel that now that we have a baby there is no reason for him to leave the house for the sole purpose of picking up his mom unless she is in distress.  Am I wrong for thinking this?  I've expressed how I felt but he doesn't get it.  When I was pregnant he only picked me up from worked on the days he picked her up.  I think this should stop.  Thoughts?

Re: Asking for honest feedback

  • Maybe it's bonding time for him and his mom? Have you spoken to him about this? Is it a significant inconvenience to you and/or LO if he continues to do it?
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  • I'm not clear on why this has bothered you for your entire relationship? Or why you think it needs to stop because you have a LO. They can actually leave the house. Even if it's naptime, I know my DD sleeps in the car all the time, so while not my favorite option, it works.   Based on only what you wrote I don't see a problem with it.  If my parents lived closer I'd see my mom a couple times a week and it would be a longer visit than a drive home. 
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  • Is it a huge trip to pick her up?  I mean, if he's spending several hours out of the day to do this, I could see why it would be hard while the baby is really young, but if it's 30 minutes, or so, I don't really understand why it would be such a burden.  Seems like it might be a big fight over something that isn't really a big problem.

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  • I agree.  If it doesn't take a lot of time out of his day, then I don't see the problem.  Everyone is entitled to their own "personal" time.  The addition of a new baby shouldn't mean he has to give up something like this.

    UNLESS... you feel he's doing it as an escape from you and the baby.   Or if you feel the mother is getting in between you two as a couple. Which it sounds like it is not.. he's just giving her a ride.  If he was spending every Saturday or Sunday all day at her house or something, then I'd put my foot down.  This doesn't seem so bad.

    Are you jealous of the time he spends with her?  It seems pretty minimal, really.  Is this a battle worth fighting?

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  • I think you need to consider the alternative. If he doesn't do the drive home thing how else would he see and connect with his mom? Will you have her over for dinner once a week?

    I also think you need to consider how YOU are going to feel when your child's spouse tries to limit your access to them in the future. My guess is that it would make you feel kinda crappy. Especially if that is your only child or the only child that lives nearby.

    I agree with everyone else. This is not really a hill I would want to die on. Your concern over this sounds a bit petty and makes me think there is more to this story.....

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  • image kendalynt:
    My fiancee and I are both new parents.  I'm 37 and he's 43, our baby is 4 weeks old.  I realize that we need to adjust our lives and daily activities to the baby's schedule.  One thing that has bothered me since we started dating 4 years ago and is still bothering me today is that my fiancee picks his mom up from work twice a week as a courtesy.  There is nothing wrong with her physically.  She is fully capable of taking public transportation or driving herself.  I feel that now that we have a baby there is no reason for him to leave the house for the sole purpose of picking up his mom unless she is in distress.  Am I wrong for thinking this?  I've expressed how I felt but he doesn't get it.  When I was pregnant he only picked me up from worked on the days he picked her up.  I think this should stop.  Thoughts?
    That sounds mean and demanding. I agree with PP's, as long as it doesn't actually impact your life then I have no idea why this is and issue. It sounds like he likes his mom and this is a good thing.
  • I'm sorry...but I am not getting why it is wrong for him to pick his mother up from work.  I mean, I would understand if, say, it was a woman totally unrelated to him...especially like an ex girlfriend or wife or something...but this is his mother.  I am going to guess is that the real reason this bothers you is because you don't like her for whatever reason. 

    Sorry...I got to enjoy a few martinis tonight and I think my filter has broke...but I have two separate conclusions drawn from this post:  #1 - you are wrong or #2 - given that this is your second post and you didn't come back for more, this was a lame attempt at MUD. 

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  • I am going to go with "you are wrong for thinking this".

    Unless there is more to the story, I do not see the big deal.  At all.

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  • I also agree with everybody. It's great that he has a special relationship with his mom and that may be their only bonding time. He might need to talk to his mom about his new experience with fatherhood, etc. and have conversations that he might not be able to have with you. I certainly hope that my son is that kind to me when he's older. I think that maybe sleep deprivation and post-pregnancy hormones are making you a little crazy... they made me crazy and I might have written a post just like yours when I was 4 weeks post-partum. Hugs.
    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
  • Thank you all for your comments. 
  • For what it's worth that would get on my nerves too. I can't explain why, but it just would.
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  • Did not understand this post at all.  He sees his mom 2xs a week driving her home.  You think she should have a disability in order for him to do this?  This is his MOM so I myself see no problem with this.   Distance is far? How long is he with her?  Are you thinking maybe he needs to do more at home?   Do you invite your mil over to the house?  Lots of questions but this is his MOM.  
  • I can see how this might be annoying now that you have a little one to take care of, but my advice is to learn to accept it.  Sounds like he takes care of the people in his life - very admirable!  He's a keeper Smile

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