1st Trimester

Is this rude?

Is it rude to ask someone that had twins if it was "natural" or as a result of a fertility treatment?

I'm friends with someone, known her for about 3 years. I invited her and her husband to our wedding bc she means a lot to me. We have exchanged e-mails back and forth for a couple of years. DH and I are actually going to a BBQ at her and her hubby's house in a few weeks. I met her originally because she used to be a teacher of mine. Shes probably about... 14 years older than me maybe.

I thought about asking this but I don't know if its rude. If it is please tell me and I won't ask, I was just curious.

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Re: Is this rude?

  • I would not ask someone that.  To me it's along the lines of someone asking if your pregnancy was planned or an accident.  JMHO.
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  • I have a feeling it's rude. Might as well not ask that question and be safe rather than sorry for offending her.  I know I wouldn't ask.
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  • image ginamcp:
    I would not ask someone that.  To me it's along the lines of someone asking if your pregnancy was planned or an accident.  JMHO.

    I was thinking this too.  Drive me nuts when people ask me that question. 

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  • image flamingos10:
    I have a feeling it's rude. Might as well not ask that question and be safe rather than sorry for offending her.  I know I wouldn't ask.

    True! I guess you never know what kind of struggles somebody went through when trying to get pregnant.

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  • Maybe twins run in her family.  You could ask her if they do and then the ball is in her court if she gives you more info.
  • Yes.  Please don't. It's really none of your business. 
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  • image flamingos10:

    image ginamcp:
    I would not ask someone that.  To me it's along the lines of someone asking if your pregnancy was planned or an accident.  JMHO.

    I was thinking this too.  Drive me nuts when people ask me that question. 

    Agreed.  And at what point is it planned/unplanned?  We were 'planning' for fertility treatment by going off the pill for six months and three months later found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant.  Since we're not married everyone assumes it was unplanned and gives me that look then asks when are we getting married.  I see it as planned, but it just happened a lot easier/faster than we ever anticipated. 

    Note:  we had real reason to believe it would be difficult.  I've been told for the last 15 years that I had a slim chance of being able to conceive, so it never occurred to me that going off the pill would result in a pregnancy without some sort of assistance.  This (un)planned baby is a miracle in my book!

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  • image ginamcp:
    I would not ask someone that.  To me it's along the lines of someone asking if your pregnancy was planned or an accident.  JMHO.

     

    this

  • What about something like, "Wow, twins, does it run in the family?"  Or, "Oh my, I bet this was a big surprise!"

     If they want you to know, they'll be eager to share...but I wouldn't push the issue. Dog

  • What about something like, "Wow, twins, does it run in the family?"  Or, "Oh my, I bet this was a big surprise!"

     If they want you to know, they'll be eager to share...but I wouldn't push the issue. Dog

  • If you don't have the type of relationship where you tell each other everything, I wouldn't ask.  I have friendships where this would not be a rude question.  But then again, we are so close that my girlfriend would have told me in the first place if she had fertility treatments, etc (the case in one friendship).  I had a difficult last year where I didn't share a lot of my life with people.  I realized how much I appreciated people respecting my privacy and not asking about things that I didn't volunteer.  Since then, I have tried to act the same. 

    In short, I agree with the others that it's rude to ask. 

     

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  • image calmwright:

    What about something like, "Wow, twins, does it run in the family?"  Or, "Oh my, I bet this was a big surprise!"

     If they want you to know, they'll be eager to share...but I wouldn't push the issue. Dog

    Thanks!!

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  • If you are close enough with her I don't think its rude. Apparently I am in the minority for thinking that way but I would word it like pp said and ask if twins run in the family and then they can take the conversation from there if they are comfortable talking about it. I know a lot of people who have been very open about their struggles TTC and/or adoption. I guess it depends on the person though and their situation.
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  • It's very rude.

    Just as it would be rude to ask someone "were you trying?" when they announce a pregnancy.

    How a baby came to be is nobody's business. Just say congratulations and move on.

  • If you have to ask it's rude ( i.e. you aren't close enough for them to mention it ) 
  • image m0132:
    If you are close enough with her I don't think its rude. Apparently I am in the minority for thinking that way but I would word it like pp said and ask if twins run in the family and then they can take the conversation from there if they are comfortable talking about it. I know a lot of people who have been very open about their struggles TTC and/or adoption. I guess it depends on the person though and their situation.

     

     

    If you go this route, please do not use the word "natural". Spontaneous would be a much less offensive term. All babies are natural.  

  • I am getting this all the time too, JJ. Not only are we having twins, but I am 41, so everyone is jumping to the conclusion that it was IVF.

    I can tell when someone is being a bonehead, and when they sincerely don't realize that they are asking something that is so personal. A few friends have asked because they too are TTC and my getting pregnant is giving them a lot of hope. My standard answer for many has become "Sure they are natural. Have you ever heard of an artificial twin?"

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  • It's absolutely rude. I cannot even fathom how you think there's a possibility this is NOT rude.
  • Yes very rude. It's none of your business.

    And for the record, baby's conceived by any type of fertility treatment are "natural."

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  • totally rude.

    plus, even if someone did fert. treatments - it doesn't mean their twins aren't "natural".

    I had a friend who had to do several rounds of IVF.   When she finally got pregnant, her first early u/s showed one sac.    When they went back a week later, it had split and there were 2 heartbeats.  Identical twins

    She's a case of "natural" twins and fertility treatments.

    I guess any Identical twins would have to be "naturally" occuring.

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  • why do you care how they were conceived in the first place?  if she was getting help from a reproductive specialist, that is her business and it's private.  if your friend wanted you to know, you would know.
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  • I wouldn't even ask if twins run in their families or if it was a surprise. I'd just say congratulations.

    Asking those questions implies you want to know more, which is rude. If she wants to tell you she had fertility treatments, or if she wants to specify that she didn't, she will tell you on her own.

  • If she hasn't volunteered any information I don't think I would push it.  What if they had been trying for a long time and had problems?  I think it's a private matter between her and her husband, and if you are close enough then she would share.
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  • Maybe you could just ask if twins run in her family?
  • Yes, definitely rude. My cousin has twins and people ask her this fairly frequently and it drives her crazy.
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  • I would probably say something along the lines of "Wow! Twins! That's awesome. I can't even imagine having two babies. Do twins run in your family?" or something along those lines. If they are ok with sharing the information with you then they will and if not...well then they don't want you to know :/ JMO
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  • My aunt had twins via IVF and from all of her accounts she HATED when people asked. From her experience most people would say something like "twins that's great does it run in the family" and she'd say no and leave it at that. She had no problem talking about her IVF experience if she was close to people, but I'm thinking it wasn't something she shared with everyone. However, my grandma (she's since passed) would not give it up and would always say "I just don't understand no one has ever had twins" " You should ask your doctor how this happened." She was in her late 90's and clearly did not get it. In the end I wouldn't ask if she wanted you to know the details she'd tell you.
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