2nd Trimester

Long Vent - Is your DH empathetic & compassionate for your situation?

Last night I completely lost it.  While I'm happy & grateful that I'm pregenant, I also feel like I'm giving up alot to ensure that our LO will be healthy while DH is not.  These sacrifices include:

  • No caffinnee - I know I can drink moderate amounts, but a few weeks back our Dr heard an irregular heartbeat.  We went back for some additional tests & they found that everything was fine, but that it could have been caused by caffinnee.  Thus I've given it up completly.
  • Low sodium / salt intake - My feet have been swelling since I was 4 months & is often painful.  So my Dr. suggested that I give up foods in high sodium for awhile.  FYI my favorite food is bacon & crab and I work for a packaged food company.
  • No going out - I'm not a big cluber, but I enjoy a good night out with my girls to let loose & dance the night away.  However, I HATE seeing pregnant women in the club.  I think it's tacky.
  • No Amusement Park Rides - We went to Disneyworld a few weeks ago to take SD & I couldn't get on any rides, which I love to do.

I could go on, but I don't want to be too big of a complainer.  Anyhow, I tell DH yesterday that I wanted to do something & he's not in the mood.  However, he goes out with his friend.  I told him I was tired of being in the house on Saturday nights & wanted to do something.  So he offered to stay home, but that wasn't going to fix the situation.  Then he comes home with McDonald's which I can't eat but I love their fries.  Yet he proceeds to eat them in my face.  Couldn't he have went to another room in the house.  I'm just frustrated with him as he doesn't seem to consider the sacrifices I'm making for OUR child while he continues to do what he wants.  Am I over re-acting and does anyone else feel this way?  Ok, vent over.

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Re: Long Vent - Is your DH empathetic & compassionate for your situation?

  • All-

     

    My apologies for the formatting.  I used bullet points & some additional spacing, but something didn't come out right.  I tried to delete it but the tiem had passed.  Sorry again.

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  • It can be frustrating.  I know what you mean.

    I get frustrated easily as well about certain things.  Guess we just have to suck it up for a while though.  

    I am with you on the salt intake, it stinks. I retain water like a camel.

    Yeah...my pics were so old. I got 3 kids. Nuff said. :)
  • My partner is relatively compassionate and caring. I've asked him to stop eating things I can't eat or doing things I can't and he basically has. He hasn't and won't quit smoking though which P's me right off. That said, he is going to accomodate for baby by smoking outside instead of in the house and to also stop smoking in the car.

     

  • Do not think of what you do for your child as a sacrifice think of it as an act of love. its kind of selfish to think aww look what all I have to give up for my child! I think maybe you are over reacting a little....
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  • Eh, I don't think you're overreacting. I definitely have days where I'm annoyed at my DH too. He (we) are young and I get that he wants to get in as much "free" time before the baby arrives, but mine does not seem to understand that pregnant woman DO tire easily and are not quite as amused by bar antics/drunks. His good friend was having a keg party last night (Klassy, yes, but it is summer) and I told him I'd go if we weren't out to late. I felt like I was a good sport, sipping my Odouls for awhile, but I didn't get him out of there much before 3am, and even then he was pouty. That's kind of one of my more extreme examples, but I don't ask for much (just sleep!!) and he still smokes, drinks, eats whatever and hasn't had to change a thing (or get swollen ankles!) I think it can be hard not to be resentful.
  • image BabyyMamma:
    Do not think of what you do for your child as a sacrifice think of it as an act of love. its kind of selfish to think aww look what all I have to give up for my child! I think maybe you are over reacting a little....

    Oh, give me a break. It's just human nature to feel how she's feeling right now.  And an insensitive DH doesn't help matters.  

    OP - I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now.  Try to calmly (maybe in a note) express to him how his actions are making you feel.  I had this same problem a couple of weeks ago.  When I was able to calmly & rationally (not yelling & crying) via email tell my husband what I was thinking/feeling, he finally got what I had been saying (or screaming).  Good luck!

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  • image j_luvs_r:

    image BabyyMamma:
    Do not think of what you do for your child as a sacrifice think of it as an act of love. its kind of selfish to think aww look what all I have to give up for my child! I think maybe you are over reacting a little....

    Oh, give me a break. It's just human nature to feel how she's feeling right now.  And an insensitive DH doesn't help matters.  

    You are AWESOME!

    Yeah...my pics were so old. I got 3 kids. Nuff said. :)
  • I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I have not asked dh to stop eating/doing things just because I'm pregnant(and I have restrictions as well, with sodium).  It honestly doesn't bother me that he eats french fries with me, or has a beer at a picnic.  

     

    Talk to your dh and tell him how his actions make you feel(not while he's eating the fries).  

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  • Thanks all.  It's good to know that others have felt like this at some point.  Like I said, I am happy that I'm pregnant & would give anything up to ensure the health of my LO.  It would just be nice to see some compassion from DH every once and awhile.

     

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  • I don't think you're overreacting.  I think we all feel a bit like this from time to time.  Of course you make sacrifices because it's your baby, but it's HIS baby too.  Just because we are the pregnant ones doesn't mean we should be the only ones making sacrifices.  Even if it's something small, he should be making an effort even if it's just to make you more comfortable.  Have you talked to him about it when you are both calm and not arguing?  Maybe he just doesn't see what he's doing and exactly why it bothers you??
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  • I guess I can understand how you feel (we're all hormonal and I get pissed about pretty much everything these days), but you might be overreacting a bit.

    Yea it stinks to have to give up stuff because you're pregnant, but that's just how it is.  My DH is def not empathetic or compassionate - he drinks beer in front of me every night and I'm def jealous about that! :P

    Yea, it sucks to have to drink less/no caffeine or not go on amusement park rides or not eat McDonalds (I'm sure you could eat one or two), but I don't see a reason why we ought to force our husbands to suffer with us.  Misery loves company I guess.  I just make my husband rub my feet all the time while he enjoys his beer!

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  • It happens; you're not overreacting. Hang in there! Just about 14 weeks left. 
  • It can be frustrating because they do not seem to fully understand what is going on.  Yes we are doing things because we love our baby but that does not make it any easier.  Try to talk to him when things are calm and hopefully he'll list more than during an emotionally stressful moment.  

    I try to talk to H all the time about smoking and that he needs to quit.  He responds how hard it is blah blah blah.. I've already been there, done that and LO is actually due on my 5yr anniv of quitting (talk about an anniv present) . 

     

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  • image Jenniferk08:

    It can be frustrating because they do not seem to fully understand what is going on.  Yes we are doing things because we love our baby but that does not make it any easier.  Try to talk to him when things are calm and hopefully he'll list more than during an emotionally stressful moment.  

    I try to talk to H all the time about smoking and that he needs to quit.  He responds how hard it is blah blah blah.. I've already been there, done that and LO is actually due on my 5yr anniv of quitting (talk about an anniv present) . 

    Congrats on the non-smoking anniversary!!  I've heard how hard it is to quite and stop for good.  Kudos to you.

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  • I can definitely understand your frustration. I think its near impossible to go through a pregnancy and be totally happy about everything. There are things I cannot do anymore that I get upset about from time to time, even though I know what I am doing is for my child and I want nothing more then for him to be healthy. Still though, we are all human so dont feel bad when you have those days.

    My dh is trying...I think. He is definitely not as supportive as I thought he was going to be. I don't ask him to give up anything on my behalf, mostly because there isn't much he does or eats/drinks that I cannot. What I do ask of him now is to help around the house and pick up about 50% of the chores since I am A) pregnant and B) still working. He doesn't purposely not help out, but unless I ask him to do something (usually more then twice) he wont do it. I tell him its not fair for me to be working as much as I do and deal with my pregnancy symptoms and clean the house and cook all the meals. Sorry but he has to pick up some of the work load now. Maybe I am being mean but I just don't have the energy anymore to do it all. His lack of realization that house work needs to be done can sometimes make me feel like he doesn't care or isn't being sympathetic to the fact that most of the day I feel like crap. Really though its just because he is a guy and his brain just doesn't allow him to see that the floor needs vacuuming or that the dishes should be put away...

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  • image faith194:

    I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I have not asked dh to stop eating/doing things just because I'm pregnant(and I have restrictions as well, with sodium).  It honestly doesn't bother me that he eats french fries with me, or has a beer at a picnic.  

    Talk to your dh and tell him how his actions make you feel(not while he's eating the fries).  

    I understand how you feel and can totally sympathize - my DH isn't terribly empathetic either.  In fact, we're in the middle of a pretty big fight right now about how he thinks I'm lazy and I think I'm busy growing a child and just too damn tired to get on my hands and knees and scrub the bathroom floor.

    That said, I haven't and wouldn't ask my husband not to eat things I shouldn't be eating or do things I shouldn't be doing.  It seems a little petty to me.  He's lactose intolerant, but he doesn't try to "force" me not to eat ice cream just because he can't.  Why would I do that to him?  

    It's NOT unreasonable to ask him to take you places and do things with you that YOU can also do.  Talk to him when things are calm and I'm sure you guys can work it out.  It's totally reasonable for him to want to eat McD's - but tell him how it makes you feel and ask that he not bring it home with him - he can totally compromise and eat it there.

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  • image Soap1:

    I guess I can understand how you feel (we're all hormonal and I get pissed about pretty much everything these days), but you might be overreacting a bit.

    Yea it stinks to have to give up stuff because you're pregnant, but that's just how it is.  My DH is def not empathetic or compassionate - he drinks beer in front of me every night and I'm def jealous about that! :P

    Yea, it sucks to have to drink less/no caffeine or not go on amusement park rides or not eat McDonalds (I'm sure you could eat one or two), but I don't see a reason why we ought to force our husbands to suffer with us.  Misery loves company I guess.  I just make my husband rub my feet all the time while he enjoys his beer!

    If you actually read her entire post, you would see that she is not saying that she wants him to give up the things she can't have.  She just wants him to be a little bit more empathetic towards her.  She specifically says about the McDonald's fries that he could have at least eaten them in another room.

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  • image j_luvs_r:
    image Soap1:

    I guess I can understand how you feel (we're all hormonal and I get pissed about pretty much everything these days), but you might be overreacting a bit.

    Yea it stinks to have to give up stuff because you're pregnant, but that's just how it is.  My DH is def not empathetic or compassionate - he drinks beer in front of me every night and I'm def jealous about that! :P

    Yea, it sucks to have to drink less/no caffeine or not go on amusement park rides or not eat McDonalds (I'm sure you could eat one or two), but I don't see a reason why we ought to force our husbands to suffer with us.  Misery loves company I guess.  I just make my husband rub my feet all the time while he enjoys his beer!

    If you actually read her entire post, you would see that she is not saying that she wants him to give up the things she can't have.  She just wants him to be a little bit more empathetic towards her.  She specifically says about the McDonald's fries that he could have at least eaten them in another room.

    Or she could have just had some with him. It's not going to kill her or the baby.

    Looks like a big part of the issue is you are cutting back things by choice that you don't have to give up. That's all on you.

     

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  • image kdodge423:

    Or she could have just had some with him. It's not going to kill her or the baby.

    Looks like a big part of the issue is you are cutting back things by choice that you don't have to give up. That's all on you.

     

    Yes

    Go out to the club if you want. Who cares if it is tacky, you are there to have fun and socialize. You are PG, not a zombie. Besides, going out for maybe even 1/2 an hour may be enough for you to feel like you have had enough socialization.

    Have a caffeine free drink if the caffeine is a huge deal to you. That way you won't feel like you are sacrificing anything. I don't drink caffeine due to a heart arrhythmia dx 2 years ago and it has never been a big deal. There are tons of option.

    And have a fry or two! Don't make yourself suffer over it.

    Moderation is a great thing to remember so you don't feel like you are "sacrificing" yourself or the things you love.

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  • image kdodge423:
    image j_luvs_r:
    image Soap1:

    I guess I can understand how you feel (we're all hormonal and I get pissed about pretty much everything these days), but you might be overreacting a bit.

    Yea it stinks to have to give up stuff because you're pregnant, but that's just how it is.  My DH is def not empathetic or compassionate - he drinks beer in front of me every night and I'm def jealous about that! :P

    Yea, it sucks to have to drink less/no caffeine or not go on amusement park rides or not eat McDonalds (I'm sure you could eat one or two), but I don't see a reason why we ought to force our husbands to suffer with us.  Misery loves company I guess.  I just make my husband rub my feet all the time while he enjoys his beer!

    If you actually read her entire post, you would see that she is not saying that she wants him to give up the things she can't have.  She just wants him to be a little bit more empathetic towards her.  She specifically says about the McDonald's fries that he could have at least eaten them in another room.

    Or she could have just had some with him. It's not going to kill her or the baby.

    Looks like a big part of the issue is you are cutting back things by choice that you don't have to give up. That's all on you.

    Yes

    It also sounds like you didn't tell your DH how much it was bothering you.  Just say, "Man I really want some, but don't feel like I can.  Would you mind eating them in another room so I'm not tempted?"

    Husbands can't read minds.  I think you're being too hard on him.  He offered to stay home with you, but that's not good enough?  So ask him to take you out.  I really don't get the big deal.

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  • image kdodge423:

    Or she could have just had some with him. It's not going to kill her or the baby.

    Looks like a big part of the issue is you are cutting back things by choice that you don't have to give up. That's all on you.

     

    Yes My baby is screwed if eating McDonald's fries is that bad. Some days, it's the only thing I feel like eating. It's better than eating nothing, IMO.

    Seriously, I don't care what I have to "give up" to keep this kid healthy. Everything in moderation though. If you want something, have it. You're not going to cause harm if you have something "naughty" once in a while. Hell, I had a hot dog from Wienerschnitzel yesterday. Alert the media...  Just to clarify, I'm just talking about food, I don't think it's okay to have a beer or smoke a cig. People are way too uptight about food.

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  • image vflipo:
    My baby is screwed if eating McDonald's fries is that bad. Some days, it's the only thing I feel like eating. It's better than eating nothing, IMO.

    Seriously, I don't care what I have to "give up" to keep this kid healthy. Everything in moderation though. If you want something, have it. You're not going to cause harm if you have something "naughty" once in a while. Hell, I had a hot dog from Wienerschnitzel yesterday. Alert the media...  Just to clarify, I'm just talking about food, I don't think it's okay to have a beer or smoke a cig. People are way too uptight about food.

    I think it's okay to have a beer every now and then after 1st trimester.  But that's a whole different thread :)

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  • image Soap1:
    image vflipo:
    My baby is screwed if eating McDonald's fries is that bad. Some days, it's the only thing I feel like eating. It's better than eating nothing, IMO.

    Seriously, I don't care what I have to "give up" to keep this kid healthy. Everything in moderation though. If you want something, have it. You're not going to cause harm if you have something "naughty" once in a while. Hell, I had a hot dog from Wienerschnitzel yesterday. Alert the media...  Just to clarify, I'm just talking about food, I don't think it's okay to have a beer or smoke a cig. People are way too uptight about food.

    I think it's okay to have a beer every now and then after 1st trimester.  But that's a whole different thread :)

     

    I agree- but the problem (for me) is most situations where you'd really want a beer are the ones where people will gasp with horror to see you indulge. I literally took a tiny taste of a friends wine last night and had people go "OMG! You can't do that!! You're pregnant!!" (because it slipped my mind, right ? :-P

  • My DH isn't the most compassionate person.  I always do all the cleaning and its starting to get hard for me to do stuff and he doesn't really help.  I should rephrase that, he doesn't think to help.  For the most part he doesn't mean to be rude and unhelpful, but it just never crosses his mind to help out.  When I tell him I'm tired, he goes, well I'm tired too!  I generally yell at him that he gets no sympathy cause he chooses to stay up until midnight watching tv!  
  • image Angel5218:

    My dh is trying...I think. He is definitely not as supportive as I thought he was going to be. I don't ask him to give up anything on my behalf, mostly because there isn't much he does or eats/drinks that I cannot. What I do ask of him now is to help around the house and pick up about 50% of the chores since I am A) pregnant and B) still working. He doesn't purposely not help out, but unless I ask him to do something (usually more then twice) he wont do it. I tell him its not fair for me to be working as much as I do and deal with my pregnancy symptoms and clean the house and cook all the meals. Sorry but he has to pick up some of the work load now. Maybe I am being mean but I just don't have the energy anymore to do it all. His lack of realization that house work needs to be done can sometimes make me feel like he doesn't care or isn't being sympathetic to the fact that most of the day I feel like crap. Really though its just because he is a guy and his brain just doesn't allow him to see that the floor needs vacuuming or that the dishes should be put away...

    I'm going through similar. My dh is oblivious to messes and thinks that dirty dishes in the sink is where they go so if they're there, everything's good! Silly men and their blindness! Oh well, we just get more practice being a mom and giving out chores haha!

     

    I don't think it is overreacting to be upset when the guys do insensitive things, but they usually do them because they don't realize how it makes you feel. I went through a period of time where my dh would just disappear every time he hung out with his friends and even managed to disappear for an entire night! (he got drunk and crashed on his friend's house without telling me after he promised to be home from work in 1/2 hour for dinner, talk about insensitive) But I explained how it made me feel in very clear words, making sure there was no room for misunderstanding (actually I almost moved our family halfway across the country just to get him away from that group of bad influences haha I blame the pregnancy hormones!)

    So, the best way to handle it (in my opinion) is to sit down with him and calmly and VERY clearly explain exactly how you feel and exactly why since they often don't think outside themselves and don't realize their actions bother you. 

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  • image j_luvs_r:

    image BabyyMamma:
    Do not think of what you do for your child as a sacrifice think of it as an act of love. its kind of selfish to think aww look what all I have to give up for my child! I think maybe you are over reacting a little....

    Oh, give me a break. It's just human nature to feel how she's feeling right now.  And an insensitive DH doesn't help matters.  

    OP - I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now.  Try to calmly (maybe in a note) express to him how his actions are making you feel.  I had this same problem a couple of weeks ago.  When I was able to calmly & rationally (not yelling & crying) via email tell my husband what I was thinking/feeling, he finally got what I had been saying (or screaming).  Good luck!

     I agree with PP.. you should let him know via email or note how you feel. My husband is often busy so even if I try talking to him about something he wont really hear what I'm saying lol. I know if I write it down or email it he'll read it fully and understand me better. Plus if its something that has me heated I rather not *** him out.. email is safer! Lol :)

    I totally know what you mean OP. I don't mind not having caffeine or salt cause I hate salt and not huge fan of caffeinated drinks and such. I do have issues when he sits there eating something I love but can't have cause it makes me sick now. He can eat it, but just not in front of me.. just makes it SO tempting. He might be nice enough to offer some, but then its even harder cause I know it'll be bad to eat.. hehe. Just tell your DH whats up and hope he can be a bit more sensitive :)

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  • image tarkimushroom:

    My partner is relatively compassionate and caring. I've asked him to stop eating things I can't eat or doing things I can't and he basically has. He hasn't and won't quit smoking though which P's me right off. That said, he is going to accomodate for baby by smoking outside instead of in the house and to also stop smoking in the car.

     

    In Ontario, Canada it's illegal to smoke in a car with children in it -- regardless of whose kids they are!!  Just an FYI...and further indication that he's at least on the right track!!

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  • My husband has been awesome!!! Infact we both are almost always on the same page. This may sound a bit off. When we found out I
  • My husband has been awesome!!! Infact we both are almost always on the same page. This may sound a bit off. When we found out I was
  • My husband has been awesome!!! Infact we both are almost always on the same page. This may sound a bit off. When we found out
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