Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Do people ask how you're doing?

Some days the enormity of our losses just hits me like a freight train and it's in those moments that I realize that so few people realize how we don't just get over our losses in a few weeks or months or perhaps even years.  My friends don't ask me how I'm doing and avoid all talk about the miscarriages.  This time around they don't even ask me what our next plan is.  Do people ask you how you're doing or are you the one who has to bring it up if you want to talk about it?

Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12

Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck.  Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.

This Cluttered Life

Re: Do people ask how you're doing?

  • My family avoids the subject altogether and when I bring up Aeron its a weird ummm yea then the subject changes! My older sister found out she was PG and they have been talking about it in front of me like its nothing! She is about 8weeks and she said she felt like a house! I should be a house my EDD was in September! I hate that they dont even think that it would bother me! It hurt so much!
  • Most of the people in my life are really good at the balance of letting me know they are there for me if I want to talk, but not bringing it up.

    My D&C was only 10 days ago, so I'm still getting the "How are you doing?" but I think most of the time they mean physically recovering, but I understand, it's awkward and uncomfortable. I have just brought it up when I wanted to and most of my friends and family are willing to listen.

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  • Some do, some don't.  My MIL asks me all the time, and she's really the last person with whom I want to talk about it... figures.  With the friends that know what happened I feel like I talk about it too much and they are bored of it, though.
    DS 04.25.08 DS 03.14.12 missed m/c 9w1d :: 6.18.10 :: d&c | missed m/c 9w3d :: 11.2.10 :: d&c
  • image mrs.gee:
      With the friends that know what happened I feel like I talk about it too much and they are bored of it, though.

     Exactly!  I have one friend who lives far away so most of our communication is via email and I get a definite sense that when I send emails about my losses that she is tired of hearing about it.  I know it's an uncomfortable subject but this still just really bothers me.

    Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12

    Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck.  Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.

    This Cluttered Life

  • I don't have much friends where we moved to (20 months until we move again) kind of hard making new friends when you move alot. It has been 10 days since my m/c and d&c but I do think about that day when they stop asking how am I or even stop talking about what happened. Also what the next plan is. The thing I can't stand though is " you are still young you ave time" " you will get a baby soon in God's time" and the best one "It's for the best something went terribly wrong and it wasn't your time yet" ... and all that crap. Unnecessary comments like that just makes me mad.

     But I know these group of ladies wont say those type of comments and will be here when we talk about our angel babies and anything about them.

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  • Everyone avoids it like its the plague. Only my mom kinda talks about it, but she mainly is trying to make me forget about it. DH's friends will ask him about me, but none will talk to me about it directly. In a way Im fine bc i don't want a pity party but sometimes its nice to know that people haven't forgotten about our daughter.
  • image bridezilla916:
    Everyone avoids it like its the plague. Only my mom kinda talks about it, but she mainly is trying to make me forget about it. DH's friends will ask him about me, but none will talk to me about it directly. In a way Im fine bc i don't want a pity party but sometimes its nice to know that people haven't forgotten about our daughter.

    That is sooo true they do avoid it like the plague. I think my DH is getting more support from his co-workers than I am with most of my family, select few has my back but not even my own mom is on my side. DH never knew that so many of his co-workers wives has been through a miscarriage or 2 and he is getting alot of support from them and advice. Usually ask him how is doing which I am glad they are nice to him while we are apart.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Premature Baby tickers
    BFP #1 - 04/09/10 -- m/c - 07/02/10 @ 20weeks and 3 days. D&C 07/02/2010 - EDD 11/16/10
    BFP #2 12/17/10 please stick turtle. EDD 8/29/11 - Emergency C-Section 7-2-11. Andrew's journey
    Congratulations to my TTCAL buddy Carolee on her BFP! Stick, baby!
    Congratulations to elbandas09, cherylanddoug, tctibbe(MsPegees) and alliejoe for their take home babies!
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  • My female co-workers definitely check in with me.  I can tell by the way they say it what they are asking about (they never say miscarriage or pregnancy loss).  Same with my mom, I know what she is asking about. 
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  • In all actuality 2 wks after Evelyn's death only 2 friends have asked how I'm doing, coping. People seem to avoid it like it's cancer.

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  • This is exactly why I come here. No, people don't really ask anymore, which makes me feel like I have to act like everything is ok. It is so frustrating, but I have gotten to the point where I know I can't blame them. You definitely not alone with this.
  • Both our parents ask us, but no one else. Even when I bring it up to my best friend, she usually just tries to say something to make me laugh and change the subject.  So, I also just act like everything is fine, and generally come home and cry alone. You are definitely not alone. 
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  • I am so glad you posted this.  For the first 2 weeks, people were sensitive.  Now, no one brings it up.  I didn't forget!!!  It's very frustrating.  I'm not saying we have to talk about it every second, but bring it up at least once in awhile.  My bf is pregnant with her second (6 months along) and all she does is complain about how miserable she feels and I feel like someone is punching me in the gut.  This is reason I have this board.  Other than my mom, this is my only other outlet for support.
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    Dx with Unexplained IF
    IUI #1-3 w/clomid: Jan-March 2010...BFN
    IUI #4 w/injectables: April 2010...BFP
    1st u/s: 5/17-one little perfect hb@7w2d, 2nd u/s: 6/5-no hb@10w;
    missed miscarriage: 6/10 d&c
    IUI #5-7 w/injectables: Sept 2010-Jan 2011...BFFN
    IVF #1: Feb/March 2011...pretty please let this work!!!!

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  • It hasn't been a week and I've only been asked, or more like suggested "are you ok?" as they nod yes. My only choice is to say Yes, I'm fine and change the subject.  No one has said to my face "I'm so sorry". Not even DH. No one has let me feel like they want to hear about it or have  me let it out on them.

     

    I still haven't cried about the baby.  It's coming. I know it.  When I see my mommy on Saturday I wont be able to hold back. 

  • I think that everyone is a little afraid to say anything around me or ask me questions. I like talking about Audrina, it helps me deal with all of this. But, I feel like I am constantly talking about her and asking questions, I am scared everyone is getting annoyed with it.

    In my opinion, everyone feels like they have to be very delicate and careful about what they say/ask around us, which is probably why some people just avoid it all together.

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