Not my first IVF rodeo

radmom27

As welcoming as all of you ladies are, there are many/most threads here where I just feel that I don't really belong.  I've gone through four rounds of failed IVF and will likely be undergoing my 5th after the new year.  I do like the monthly threads but also find that my needs are a little different at this point as I don't have any questions/concerns/fears about undergoing IVF...I know how and when to give the shots.  I know what the monitoring will be like and I've been through enough transfers and retrievals to not really have lots of questions about the process.  

I also have lost that initial excitement/hope that IVF will be the key to a definite pregnancy.  

Finally, I'll be honest that it's hard being on these boards for almost two years watching people go through each round of successful treatment while I"m still here...not successful.  Please don't misunderstand... I'm so happy for those that have their BFPs but I was hoping to find a place where there are others (I know you're out there) that haven't gotten their one and done IVF cycle.  I was hoping to start this thread for people that may be a little down and out to discuss next plans after at least one IVF failure and also to hopefully share in our future successes.  Anyone interested?

KirstenCas

I'm with you @radmom27 I loved the boards I've been on but it's hard to watch everyone move on and I often feel like a bummer to everyone. I find myself not wanting to post my sad comments right after someone's BFP is mentioned. I want them to have their moment

Kp214

I'm with you, @radmom27. I'm going to be starting my 4th ivf cycle in the next couple of weeks. I don't have a lot of hope for this cycle or really ivf in general. I'm not sure what is next...egg donor...adoption...no children?  

Thank you for starting this thread. 

radmom27

@KirstenCas I can totally relate to the feeling of not wanting to bum everyone out or make everyone scared.  Most people on the monthly boards have so much hope and most of them (as I've found being on here for two years), will in fact be successful.  I'm kind of at a place where I know that I might not be successful.  The hope is gone.  
I'm glad you joined here!
@Kp214 Thanks for joining this thread.  I sometimes just feel so lost and need a place to go where I can share with others in a similar place.  

oxinfree

Hi again @radmom27 - I feel like I remember you from when I was on this board a while back (or someone with a similar name). I've done 3 IVFs (all BFN) getting revved up for my 4th. 2 have been fresh, 1 frozen and this upcoming will also be frozen on full immune protocol.

Like you, I've been around the block. No more nerves or excitement about the process...  just ready for my BFP. This was exactly the reason I took a break from this board. I am part of an amazing facebook group (its closed/secret so no one will see you're part of it) that is AMAZING. It's for women like us who have repeated failure and are a looking at immune related factors, but I just love how these women have all been at it for a long time. They make me feel like a rookie in comparison. If you're interested DM me and I'll give you the info. 

All my info is in my signature, but I've definitely lost a lot of hope along the way. We are congruently looking at other options and have switched to a "long term" approach instead of one and done, or "this is the key" thinking. We're trying a full immune protocol FET with lupron depot (i have suspected endo), and then if that doesn't work I'll do an investigative/excision lap followed by another FET. If that is unsuccessful we'll either look at donor egg or surrogacy. We're also in the early process of figuring out the whole adoption world. 

@Kp214 - hi again. Like I said on my re-intro thread, I'm saddened to see so many familiar faces, but also makes me feel less alone. You're my little IVF tribe that's for certain!  

@KirstenCas - please never NEVER diminish your own pain so that someone else can have their moment. I like to believe that if/when I'm successful I will be more concerned about others than them celebrating my success. Sorry you've been around the block like us cats, but happy you've joined this thread.

LOVE TO YOU LADIES!!!

20T

Hi! We're resting and healing after a disastrous first round of IVF, but I'm definitely interested in a thread like this. We're planning on starting another round in the new year and I feel more scared than excited, because I now know how badly this can turn out and our RE is already suggesting egg donation if this round fails. May I please join you all?

radmom27

@oxinfree I most definitely remember you from awhile back.  I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.  Your welcome back post is one of the things that caused me to create this post.  I just had a feeling that maybe I wasn't the only person out there who just didn't feel like there was a place for me here.  I'm on a break from IVF right now trying to figure out our next steps and where we go from here.  Welcome!
@20T Welcome to our group...I'm sorry you have to be here but I think this may be a great place where we all can get some much needed support!

Kp214

@oxinfree i love that you have contingency plans. I'm at the beginning stage of that. DH doesn't want to consider anything except this next cycle, to focus on it. I'm mentally already through this upcoming cycle, ready to figure out what next. 

@radmom27 its tough trying to figure out what next. I keep thinking that God needs to send me a big neon sign with directions as to what to do. At this point, I would settle for a nudge in the "keeping doing ivf" or a nudge in the "find an alternative" direction. 

@20T hi! It sucks when the RE suggests donor eggs. I get it. After the day I had, I am seriously considering donor eggs. I'm adopted from Korea, so I look Asian and don't want my child to have to deal with the ignorance I have dealt with today.  I haven't considered it seriously until today. 

sleepyrn

For sure interested in this thread. I just watched a friend do her first round and was successful after the first transfer.  While, happy for her, I was mad like why am I doing ANOTHER round....what did I do wrong? 

I am having some changes in protocol so may have a few questions here and there, but I'm not worried about shots, monitoring or all that.  It is what it is.

mtpbadger

I love this thread! I'll be doing my third FET sometime in the next month or two. Like others have said, while I'm happy that other ladies on these boards get BFP after their first attempt at IVF, it stings too b/c I would do anything for that to be me. I am also sometimes envious of their optimism and hope and feel like a Debbie downer since I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the meds, injections, monitoring, etc. to get my baby.

sleepyrn

@mtpbadger I feel like we've been on the same boards for previous tries. While I'm hopeful that this is "the" try for all of us, its nice to see I'm not the only one with negative thoughts here and there.

mtpbadger

@sleepyrn we have been on the same boards! I recognize most of you on here. I feel like I've been around forever but in reality I know it hasnt' been THAT long (only started working with our RE last June/July). What really gets me down is that ladies I was on boards with for my retrieval and first FET are now already in their third trimester - talk about a gut punch when I realized that! I try not to think about it and go down the "what if" road but sometimes it's hard not to.

Hopefully this next round we will all get to move on!

radmom27

@sleepyrn Welcome!! I'm sad to say that I have lots of negative thoughts...and I mean lots.  I'm so happy for others that are successful but I'll admit that there's a part of me that is sad for myself.  
@mtpbadger Welcome!! I also feel like i've been around these boards forever.  I sometimes lurk on the pregnant after IF and it amazes me that so many people have already given birth to their IVF miracle in the time that I've been here.  

joneser1281

I can't say that I've been in the trenches as long as you ladies, but I definitely feel for you... I've only been through one fresh transfer and am about to do my first FET, but have the same crippling fears that nothing will ever work for us.  I've already found it difficult to be chatting with women on the boards when I was going through that fresh transfer at the same time as them and they've gone on to have successful pregnancies, leaving me feeling left behind... Pretty much how I've felt for years as my friends and family members have passed me up having natural pregnancies.  I am trying to remain hopeful, but it's very hard and I can't imagine how some of you must feel, having gone through IVF as many times as you have.  I don't know that I could do it.. You all are amazing. 

Kp214

Hi, @joneser1281. It's tough dealing with infertility and feeling left out or passed over.  I'm sorry you feel this.  It's wonderful that you have 7 frozen embies.  Do you recall their quality before freezing?  

mtpbadger

@joneser1281 you are not alone! I think knowing that helps me a lot. As much as it sucks that we are all still here, I feel better knowing it's not just me that treatment keeps not working on and that it working the first time isn't always the norm. I still get jealous and then I feel bad but then I remind myself it's normal to be jealous. The fact that you are fearful and still here and still trying says a lot about you, you are amazing too! 

20T

@Kp214 I see in your signature that this cycle you're doing EPP. Is that the estrogen priming protocol? I ask because that is what my RE has said we will be doing for my next round in January! 

@mtpbadger and @joneser1281 I couldn't agree more! It sucks feeling like we keep getting left behind. Peoplewho started TTC around the same time (or after) I did, are now having their babies and while I'm so so happy for them there is definitely a moment of why not me?

Kp214

@20T yes, that's what we are hoping to do this month. I'm supposed to start estrogen in about week, I think, but haven't really been given a timeline or any details. I've been trying to practice patience and trust but it just stresses me even more. 

tiffanyw1783

I completely understand @radmom27 . I've only had one failed IVF. We just finished our second round and went in for transfer with 2 amazing looking embryos and my uterus was full of gross endometrial fluid so we had to cancel. Now have to wait to try a frozen transfer. It took us almost 8 months just to complete the first IVF cycle b/c of various problems and had to cancel twice. I've definitely lost my excitement in the process and I've given up a lot of hope that I will get pregnant. 

Joslynj11

*TW* Someone else's pregnancy mentioned.

Hi everyone! It sucks that this is our sub group but I totally related! I have slowly been going crazy since my first failed FET and rebuilding the hope has been a 4 month work in progress for sure. I finally have time to write in today after having a pity party when everyone else left the office. A little back story there are only 3 of us in my office unit and my unit partner, the only other lady in here confirmed her pregnancy the day after I found out my fresh transfer was canceled due to OHSS. 4 months later and 2 failed FETs later she is very obviously pregnant and I have to look at it everyday! Today they decided to talk about all the baby stuff at 8:00 am!! Are you f***ing Kidding me!! This is the first thing we need to talk about is this when everyone in the room is aware of my situation. Sorry for added ya'll to my pity party but I am happy to find a new place to hide and be skeptically hopeful with you all while we are between cycles.

I held it together til they left but it sucked and I hate IF. I hate feeling this way, and even though its hard to have much faith in trying again. I am praying that I can finally be graced with my BFP as I have this wish for all of you ladies as well  

Anywho I hope I can hang out with you all until then that is if you'll have me hehe

Kp214

@Joslynj11 I'm sorry. That's tough when it's righ in front of you every day. I teach college and it seems every semester since we've been ttc, I've had a student who was pregnant or a colleague who was/is pregnant. I am actually supposed to help plan a baby shower for a friend next month. It is tough to put a smile on my face and look happy. A friend told me that we can be glad for them but not necessarily feel like we are happy. I like that a lot. 

oxinfree

@Joslynj11 UGGGGhhhhh.... why are we forced to face this on a consistent basis. So brutal. I hate that even when we are open and upfront/honest about our struggles that people can be so ignorant and unaware. Big hugs to you lady!!!! I'm so sorry you'll be dealing with this for the next while. 

@Kp214 - I've thrown a friend (co-planned) a baby shower too. It was very very hard. It's a hard thing to explain to be happy and in so much pain all at the same time. *ments - not mine* My brother and wife are now expecting (they've been married a whopping 10 months and are 3 months preggo. F. 

Anyways. As much as this all sucks, I feel grateful to have you ladies on here who understand and empathize. Wish we could all just meet in person and have one big giant group hug... I know I sure could use a good hug and pity party myself.

tiffanyw1783

The most aggravating part of all of this, is I have no one around me that understands IVF or even infertility. And in the last year 4 people at work have gotten pregnant or had a baby. I don't want to be apart of the baby showers. I haven't gone to a baby shower in probably 4 years b/c they are just too hard for me and people just don't understand that.

Kp214

@oxinfree you are right that it's tough when we tell people what we are going through and they still make insensitive comments.  I wish we could all get together for drinks as well as hugs!

@tiffanyw1783 I'm hoping I have an appointment with my re the day of the shower.

oxinfree

@tiffanyw1783 - ultimately it really doesn't matter if they understand. All that matters is that we take care of ourselves through this hard journey. If they can't at least respect that then as sad as it is, maybe they're not as good of friends as we hoped. The quote that resonates with me most on this journey is "hard times always reveal true friends"

joneser1281

@Kp214 Thank you for your kind words... Yes, we have five 4AA embryos, one 3AA embryo, and one 3AB embryo.  We did not do PGS on any of them though... some were conceived with ICSI and some with conventional IVF.

@mtpbadger Thank you so much!  I agree, it is nice to know I'm not alone.  Thank you for validating my jealousy... It IS normal isn't it?  I mean, how can we not be?  I guess that's how we know we want this so bad.

@20T I feel you!  It really sucks to be passed over by people who are now even having their second and THIRD babies, when we were trying since before they had their first!

@Joslynj11 Ughhhhh!  I mentally kicked asses all over town for you!  It is times like that when I think of the hat my mentor from work wore to her retirement party that read, "I f@#$ing hate people!"  It was hilarious and she wore it for different reasons, but I think I would like to make such hats, tees, bracelets, signs, etc. with similar sayings for situations just like you mentioned... So those of us suffering in silence from IF could also give silent messages to these insensitive people who know nothing about our struggles.  Props to you for keeping your head up and being the bigger person!

tiffanyw1783

@oxinfree thank you!! I really love those quotes. Dealing with IF and IVF is a huge burden to carry around!

Kp214

@joneser1281 those are great!  Good luck with your FET!  I would buy one of the bras, tees, swearshirts, socks, etc!  Love that!

joneser1281

Thank you, @Kp214!  I hope you are right... For my fresh cycle, a 2AB was transferred, which resulted in the CP.  That was considered to be the best at the time (I had a day 5 transfer).  I was pretty disappointed because I was expecting a better grade, but was told it was a beautiful embryo and that I shouldn't get hung up on grades because they are basically just to describe characteristics... Like comparing brunette to blonde.  Not sure I completely buy all of that because a better grade surely means a better embryo haha.  I really hope things work out this time, but as we all know... Especially all of you who have been through this more times than I have... no matter how good the grade is, or even if an embryo is tested as normal, there are no guarantees in this game.  I appreciate your well wishes and will let you know when my products are ready, haha!

Colleen0516

Well, I'm pretty sure I belong on this board as well. I've done 3 rounds of ivf (currently on my 4th), 5 IUIs, 2 FETs, had 3 miscarriages, 2 surgerys and lost 1 Fallopian tube in the process. 
I belong here, and hate that I do. I'm having a rough night... the process is so hard sometimes. I'm generally very positive and very optimistic. My thought pattern being, I could be negative and make a negative process worse, OR be positive and make a Negative process easier (a little bit atleast lol) 
i also find peace in helping others, I've always been the person that try's to help everyone and anyone. So, I don't mind the monthly boards, I actually like them and find comfort in them. But, it's nice that we hve a board like this- one where only those who have truly struggled (over and over again) through this process, can understand. 

Infertitly warriors. Strong women. 

Im thankful to have these boards and know ladies like you that are going through the same process. 

oxinfree

@Colleen0516 - welcome home I am so SO sorry for all you've been through. I've been considering trying IUI since we originally skipped over it. I'm curious why your new RE made that decision?

Colleen0516

@oxinfree thanks I did 3 iui'S with my old RE. Then 2 rounds of ivf with 2 FETs. When I switched REs, I needed to wait til summer to start ivf again- so we did 2 IUIs while waiting (less doctor visits=less time off from work) then did another ivf which lead to the tubal pregnancy. Now we are starting the 4th ivf 

joneser1281

@Colleen0516 after reading your last post, I think you are my hero... When I think of what I've been through and how I feel like it's so much, it seems nothing compared to how much you have gone through. This meme is for you, and for everyone else in this discussion. When I feel like giving up and that I can't do anymore or take anymore, I will think of you ladies.

Joslynj11

Happy Monday Ladies! Thank you so much for being here to listen on Friday. It means to the world to me to know that on good days and bad I know that I can turn to these boards and find instant support. 

@Kp214 Wow, helping co-host a baby shower is so brave an so very strong. DH just told me last night that some friends of ours invited us to their baby shower and I just instantly started crying. I don't know how I am going to be when it's time to go. Dh was great though, he knew exactly what to do to help me feel better...IF sucks, I wish I didn't hurt so much when someone else is celebrating something that is supposed to be so beautiful..

@oxinfree You too lady! It is such a sign of stretch to help host something that causes so much pain. I totally agree with you on us needing one big group hug!! Gosh at this point in the journey I could use a group hug everyday Oh I love the quotes you put up!!

@joneser1281 thanks for kicking butt and taking names for me on Friday. You ladies rock, and I love the shirt your boss wore! Too many times I am reminded about how much i don't like people hehe. And I also love your pic, you are right. If we can make it through this we can make it through anything and that def makes us superheros.

@Colleen0516 I have had you on my mind and in my heart for the past few weeks/months and your strength has been so inspiring to me and so many others. Please continue to be strong as you continue through this journey  

I have so much love for you ladies

radmom27

I took a couple of days off from all thing infertility related which actually got me re-energized and has me feeling better about things.  WELCOME to everyone that has joined in the past couple of days.  I'm so happy to have this board as a place to go where people really get it.  I'm sorry all of you are here with me but I have hope that someday we'll move on to the place we all want to be.

AFM, I filed an official appeal today to fight with my insurance company for an FET before the end of the year.  My dear insurance company feels I have reached my yearly limit of IVF even though my last IVF cycle I was granted never had a retrieval or a transfer because I ovulated early.  I'm so thankful to have some insurance for this process but it also creates a headache as I feel I'm always fighting for them to cover the things they say they will cover.  

Happy Monday everyone!!

Joslynj11

@radmom27 Wow! I can't believe that your insurance is acting like that when you didn't even complete a full cycle with them. I am so glad that you are appealing, I am just so shocked that they can do that! I hope that you are able to receive some resolution quickly.

What about everyone else? Its been quiet lately how is everyone doing? How is everyone staying sane right now? Thinking about you ladies

oxinfree

I'm most definitely NOT staying sane @Joslynj11 haha. I downloaded the app "Countdown" so I could literally countdown to when I get to call the clinic to talk to financial advisor. I've created countdown for when I get to start estrace etc. I've created a countdown for projected transfer date. I'm countdown obsessed and it's making time crawl ahahhaha. I'm Vlogging and Instagram'ing like crazy to try and make it go faster... not really helpful since everyone else is legit cycling it seems. 

mtpbadger

I'm trying to stay busy and NOT think about IF for once. DH and I went to Virginia Beach last weekend and it was nice to not worry about dealing with meds, shots, etc., even though we were dealing with Hurricane Matthew.  Every other vacation we have taken has been in the middle of a cycle.

Just talked the financial advisor at my clinic and my insurance changed their standards in a way that benefits us YAY! They cover 50% of three cycles/transfers per live birth and they used to count the retrieval as a cycle so we thought we would have to pay out of pocket for this one (already used retrieval plus two FETs) BUT they changed and don't count the retrieval anymore, YAY. FX this FET will work so we won't need to worry about paying out of pocket.

@radmom, hopefully you win the appeal!

I go in for baseline US/BW on Monday and then will get my transfer date from there. From talking with my nurse yesterday it sounds like I'll JUST be on estrace vaginally and then add in PIO. I have a call in for my RE to discuss since last time she threw the kitchen sink at me.

oxinfree

@mtpbadger - generally a good idea to stay distracted AWAY from IF... but I can't help myself sometimes. I took a good long break anyway, so maybe I'm just feeling refreshed. I dunno. Sorry to hear you dealt with Hurricane Matthew, all ok? Also, amazing about the new benefits. Baseline on Monday, wow, you're starting up quick here... exciting!

sleepyrn

Pretty much I've spent the whole morning sobbing.  I thought I had til the end of the month to lose the weight they wanted me to, but  when I went for my CD3 appointment yesterday they decided that they were taking me off the schedule and postponing me until December, with ER 1st week of January.  8lbs is why.  I'm a little angry, because I've seen bigger ladies than myself have success, but I guess I can't force them to work with me.  So, looks like its diet and wait time for me. 

mtpbadger

@sleepyrn on no! I'm so sorry that you got bad news! That's ridiculous for them to postpone you over 8 lbs!

@oxinfree all is okay. We always try and go somewhere over Columbus Day weekend since our anniversary is the week prior but never have good luck with the weather. We stayed right on the beach but ended up switching hotels on Saturday night since our first hotel room's ceiling starting leaking. Then the entire beach front lost power for about 12 hours. It made the weekend interesting to say the least! I'm just ready to get the show on the road again, especially since I'll be travelling in December for the holidays I want to get a cycle in before then (and before the insurance deductible resets)