Birth Certificate Concerns

victoria98

Hey ladies! I'm a ftm,due July, and not with the BD. I was in a relationship with him and before I broke up with him he seemed like he really wanted to be involved. Skip a few months and now he has his whole family convinced it might not be his child (Which there's literally no possibility the baby isn't his). His mother recently has been diagnosed with some type of heart disease I'm really not sure and she reached out to me and said she wants to be there at all the appointments. So I'm not really sure what to do about the birth certificate. I know I do still have some time for things to play out some more but how does this usually work out? Would I have to leave it blank until the bd gets the dna test he wants? Should I even ask BD to come to the hospital ?

20thirteen

Really, it all boils down to what you're comfortable with.  My BD ran off with his other girlfriend, and I did not want anything to do with him after that.

When DD was born, BD's parents came to the hospital because I allowed them to be in DD's life.  Things sometimes get a little scratchy between us but we've worked things out (it does help a little that they live in another state lol).  If you feel comfortable allowing your BD's mother come with to appointments and to the hospital when LO is born, then go ahead and let her.  If at any point she makes you uncomfortable, or tries to take over on decisions, then feel free to tell her that you are the mother of the baby and can make these decisions.

My BD did not come to the hospital, I didn't want him there.  I was so opposed to it that I gave security a picture of him and told them that he was not allowed to be there.  If you two have resolved issues to a point where YOU feel comfortable allowing him to be there, then you should ask.  If you're not comfortable, don't bother.  It'll stress you out and that just won't be good.  The hospital staff (or birthing center staff, wherever you give birth) want this experience to be as stress-free as possible, so they are there to make sure you are as comfortable as possible. And that is what you need to focus on when it comes time for LO to arrive.

As far as the birth certificate goes, some of it depends on where you live.  I do not have BD on the birth certificate and, I believe, in my state, even if I had put him on there, he wasn't there to sign so it would've had to been blank anyway.  You need to look into that for whatever you plan on for the birth certificate.  If you are able to leave it blank and he wants a DNA test, I believe there are a couple court appearances, the test and then another appearance for him to sign before he gets on the certificate so he might not even put that much effort into it. There are so many if's that could happen between now and then that you might want to consider finding a lawyer with a free consult to make sure you have all your bases covered.

Good luck and congrats on the LO!  Being a single parent is hard but rewarding!  Sending you love!

victoria98

Thank you for that! Did you have BD's parents come into the hospital at all?  Or did you just wait until you were all settled in at home to tell them of your DD's birth? @20thirteen

20thirteen

I went into labor about 3am, and I know BD's parents showed up at some point during the day.  I didn't give birth to DD until the evening (same day) and they were at the hospital around that time as well.  I do recall a few text messages between us about what was happening during the day with them but, funny, I can't remember what the conversation was about.  I'm about 70% certain that I had either my mom or my dad call them after we got set up in L&D and my dad was in the waiting room with them for a long time.  

Hospitals do limit the amount of people in the delivery room, where I gave birth I was allowed to have up to two people in the room with me.  My brother's wife was only allowed to have my brother.  So, that is something else you might want to look into.  My mom was in the room with me, and it was about 20-40 minutes until I was allowed to let other people into the room to see her before we were moved out of L&D.

LeaRose87

I was kinda in the same situation. My ex was a huge negative part of the situation. He demanded his "rights" the whole time I was pregnant. I made the decision at the beginning of my third trimester not to put him on the bc. I made it clear to him I wasn't going to. He wasn't happy with that. At the last min I invited him to the hospital for the birth of our son. But I ended up making him leave a few hours after I gave birth because he was so horrible to me and the nurses. And he wasn't allowed back. He was determined to force himself onto the bc. Idk what state u are in. I was in Florida. They called me the next morning and asked what I wanted on the bc. They came down to my room a few hours later and I signed it off. He's currently not on the bc. And if he decides to be in my sons life (who is 9 months now) and pay and go to court for paternity and to have himself put on the bc then he can try. I suggest u find someone u can really trust and talk to. Educate yourself on the laws in your state. And do what you are comfortable with. What you believe is right for your child. The bc if just a piece of paper. It's completely different from paternity establishment, if you were to go for child support, etc. 

kiam032

I couldn't put him on the birth certificate because he wasn't there. I would have to get him to take a dna test to prove that he is the father. All in all, I want full custody of my daughter and don't care if he is on there. My LO has my last name and I am happy about that. I just came back from the tanf office to file for child support. You can still get the support you need without having him on the certificate.

victoria98

@LeaRose87 My ex was saying the same exact thing for a while! Along with his mother! Like what? Last time I checked no one but me has any rights over the baby currently in my body. Did your ex just stop trying to get on the bc after your LO was born? 

victoria98

@kiam032 I would also like my LO to have my last name. Even if my ex was there at the hospital and decided to put himself on the bc would I still be able to give my LO my last name? I also would like full custody like you but in the state of Texas you can't have full custody and get child support so if I had to choose I'd definitely choose my custody. I'm not sure of where you're at or what the laws are there but good luck! 

kiam032

You can name your child whatever you want. His name can be on the birth certificate but if it is agreed upon that your LO has your last name then just put that on the certificate. If he doesn't show up at the hospital then that just makes the naming easier. The laws are the same here far as full custody and child support. He is such a deadbeat that he wouldn't bother to get involved which is fine. Less stress and drama!! 

20thirteen

Wow, that's so weird about the full custody/child support thing.  I mean, if I'm reading that correctly... If you get full custody of your child, you don't get child support? Like, he can literally walk the fuck off like "fuck it" and that's that?  I never bothered looking into child support so I don't really know what the deal is where I live, I can support myself and my DD just fine, but also BD is basically homeless and jobless so going after him for money would be like squeezing a rock for water.  But it was my understanding that child support was literally money to support the child that lives with you that he helped create...??

@kiam032 - my BD put in the effort to see DD 3 times and then decided to disappear.  And, yeah, our lives are so much better without the stress and drama!!

victoria98

@20thirteen I know isn't that crazy? But yeah that's how it is. My mom went through all that with my dad so that's where I'm getting this info. My dad didn't bother seeing me too often anyways but on paperwork he was seeing me every other week. My dad also had a son a couple of years after me and my brothers mom had nothing to do with my dad until my brother turned 12 I think, and she was trying to get all those years of backed up child support. The court wouldn't give her a dime until she agreed to give my brother to my dad every other weekend.

20thirteen

@victoria98 is it different if he gets visitation?  Like, I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around something so stupid... if you have full custody, and are responsible for everything for this child on top of what other responsibilities you already have to pay for, he doesn't pay child support?!

That is absolutely ridiculous! 

cataleya82

Must depend on the state. I live in Michigan and have full custody of my oldest 2, it was given to me when I filed for child support which I get for my 2 oldest ones. I just had another baby (different dad) and he's not on the birth certificate and she has my last name. I already filed for support and just like with my boys- full custody will be given to me and if the deadbeat wants any rights he will need to take me to court. 

LeaRose87

@victoria98 He wasn't involved at all in the first few months but continued to threaten his rights. He actually got arrested soon after for a dui probation violation and has been serving a year sentence. So he hasn't been around at all. His mother contacted me in December and has been a positive involvement since then. If he contacts me when he gets out of jail then we will take it a day at a time. But I am so glad that my son has my last name and his father is not on the bc. I decided before my son was born I wasn't going to try to force his father to be involved. It was what was best for him and me. 

babymama619

In IL I could not put his name on without his permission or a DNA test. I now have the DNA test but haven't  gotten around to adding it. I know it feels like this all matters a lot, but it doesn't. If having him there is too stressful for you then don't. Seriously, let the pregnancy ride out, and the BD shit will play out too but don't let BD distract you from having a happy healthy pregnancy as much as possible. I feel so lucky mine wasn't bringing his baggage around when I was preggo.

BmcD2016

I live in TX too and I can shed some light on this. When my oldest was born, her dad was in jail. I put my last name as hers and I could not add him to the birth certificate because he'd have to sign. (Yes, I was 18 and my relationship choice wasn't the best, but bear with me) fast forward two years and baby #2 was born and he was present. He signed, so he was added as her father and I gave her his last name. 

As as far as child support, since he was not on daughter #1 birth certificate, he had to awknowledge in court that he was her father or get a test. They took his verbal agreement that he was her father. I got primary custody and he got visitation and the basic child support was set up. After several years, he found himself in a pickle with drugs and pictures posted on social media. He lost his visitation until he can complete 3 drug tests, which were never accomplished. So I am still supposed to be getting child support, but he doesn't pay. 

Ashtonpaiton

I was in the same situation i just left it blank and inviting the bd only runied my birth experience its a time for you your child and supportive people let him come later its all about how you feel. As soon as your baby gets their social security number (about a week) file for child support they will do everything else

Ashtonpaiton

You are in full control you dont have yo do anything you dont have to put him on the bc you dont have to let him even know you are filling it out. You could name them hegeudbe ey jehehrirbrg and no one could say anything. You can give it who evers last name you want even make one up. I just choose to give him mine but its up to you. Also please name your baby something people can actually read lol

millerclanx5

I would honestly wait and not add him. If that's something you want to do later on you can. I think it's ridiculous the way Texas does child support and custody. But him being on the birth certificate doesn't give him any more or any less rights once paternity is established whether by him signing or DNA tests. 

victoria98

So BD's mom and sister are throwing me a baby shower! I swear they're giving me whiplash lol. But anyways, his mom texted me telling me she hasn't seen him or been able to contact him in 3 months! What?! Mind you, his current (underage) girlfriend constantly posts about him on social media (not that I stalk her social media, but my very petty but amazing friends do lol) so I had no idea he was off the radar to his whole family. Anyways I tell her about how in the state of Texas since I'm on Medicaid and the baby soon to come will be on it as well, the state will automatically go after him for child support. I tell her about how I really wanted to and planned to settle it all out of court just to make a complicated situation a little less complicated and I ask her to let him know that if she's able to contact him. She says she'll let him know and that I need to do whatever to make sure baby has everything he needs. When she said that I almost got a little teary eyed. Anyways not even five minutes later I get a text from her that was actually meant for BD saying "This is from (My name) , you are going to have to talk to her or else she's going to go through the court. (BD's name) come over here and we can talk. You can't hide from it." WHAT?!? Why?! The last thing I wanted was to come off as if I was threatening!  Now she makes me seem like this psycho b#*ch that just wants to start crap with him!

20thirteen

victoria98 said:

So BD's mom and sister are throwing me a baby shower! I swear they're giving me whiplash lol. But anyways, his mom texted me telling me she hasn't seen him or been able to contact him in 3 months! What?! Mind you, his current (underage) girlfriend constantly posts about him on social media (not that I stalk her social media, but my very petty but amazing friends do lol) so I had no idea he was off the radar to his whole family. 

I wonder if our BD's are the same people, LOL.  Except, he didn't leave me for a girl who was underage, however she was a good 10 years younger than him.  And that says a lot about a dude who doesn't want to keep contact with his family.

victoria98 said:

Anyways I tell her about how in the state of Texas since I'm on Medicaid and the baby soon to come will be on it as well, the state will automatically go after him for child support. I tell her about how I really wanted to and planned to settle it all out of court just to make a complicated situation a little less complicated and I ask her to let him know that if she's able to contact him. She says she'll let him know and that I need to do whatever to make sure baby has everything he needs. When she said that I almost got a little teary eyed. Anyways not even five minutes later I get a text from her that was actually meant for BD saying "This is from (My name) , you are going to have to talk to her or else she's going to go through the court. (BD's name) come over here and we can talk. You can't hide from it." WHAT?!? Why?! The last thing I wanted was to come off as if I was threatening!  Now she makes me seem like this psycho b#*ch that just wants to start crap with him!

That might just be the way it sounds to you.  I live with my dad and I constantly get texts like that about any subject.  It's how old people text (lol).  When I see him and ask him about the text, he's befuddled because he doesn't understand how I could view his text in a mean way and get mad about him being "passive aggressive".  I think she definitely could have phrased it a little better, in my opinion.  Did you respond to her to let her know she texted the wrong person?  That's a very "old people" thing to do, too.  My mom does that to me, and so does my aunt.  And, maybe she's still processing the whole ordeal?  Like the idea that Texas does things the way it does may have gone out of her mind and all she heard was "go through court".  That's scary enough as is, especially if she wants her son to step up and be a man about this situation.  I'm sure all she's thinking is "I raised you better than this" and here he's dropped off her radar and is ignoring the rest of the family.

I don't think it makes you sound like a threatening psycho is basically what I'm saying.

victoria98

@20thirteen okay, that makes me feel a little better lol thanks for the insight! She immediately realized she texted it to me and said "oops sorry that was for him. I'm trying  " I didn't say anything about it to her just because everything else she's been saying has been so positive and nice. She offered to buy a travel system for us but when I told her I'd already received one she offered a bassinet! So that's why I was kinda thrown back by that text. & we sure do know how to pick em huh?   
(eta bump ate my post)

20thirteen

I'm glad his mom is helping out  

20thirteen

@victoria98 Just checking in and seeing how things are going

victoria98

@20thirteen things are great! I love motherhood so much, and BD's family is really here for us. As for BD ehh, he's kind of being a half ass. He went to the hospital the day before (brought me my fav candy, comfy postpartum clothes, flowers, and balloons) and the day of little R's birth and he signed the bc with no dna testing. R looked a lot like him when he was born but the older he gets me more he's looking like me But at the hospital he just went on and on about how he's going to be there and how he's going to do right by R. So that doesn't happen. In the past two months that R has been born he's seen him 3 separate times. He said he'd give me 150 for child support at the end of every month. That comes around and nothing happens. I give it a couple days before I text him about it and he says he can do 50. I'm not really looking to start drama with him so I just say okay. I realize that he hasn't been doing nothing but at the same time I realize that R deserves better. I don't let it bother me so I'm really enjoying everything good that happens How about you? How's your DD? 

victoria98

btw sorry I'm barely replying I haven't been on the bump much since LO was born.

20thirteen

congrats @victoria98! When my DD was born, it took some time before I started being a regular again, so no worries at all about being off TB.  I remember hearing that when babies are born, they look like their fathers so that the father can form a bond with the baby.  However, the truth of that, I don't know. Haha.  DD looked just like BD when she was born.  She's 3 now and she looks so much more like me these days.

We're doing good thanks for asking!  I'm panicking about what to do about school for her even though she won't start kindergarten for at least 2 years hahaha.  I want to be able to not fumble around that when it comes time. BD's parents came to town and we all took a trip to the zoo.  They were super respectful and very pleasant, I was actually not prepared for that since I could swear up and down that his dad is not a fan of mine. DD was a little scared of them because this was the first time she'd seen them since she was barely walking.

Congrats again on R! Sending you two lots of love!