Anyone knows how to deal with mixed emotions ? Abortion and keeping ?

sweetkeyhia

I've been thinking of abortion lately

mrstmoose

Unfortunately, no one here can tell you what to do. I would recommend meeting with a mental health professional, or someone through an organization such as Planned Parenthood, who can assist you with making a decision like this. 

asunna

the best thing you can do is weight out all your options and be informed as possible.

go to a nonbiased pregnancy center who can assist you in allowing you to know what your options are

everything you will need to know about abortion, and how its done
everything you will need to know about pregnancy and keeping baby and what resources can help you later on
and everything about adoption

you need to speak to someone who is unbiased of your situation and gives you as much information as possible, i would do it instantly as if you do choose the abortion route you have depending where you live a limited amount of time to do so 

best wishes. 

yogahh

I don't ever talk about this, but when I was 18 I had an abortion. Whatever you do, don't make any rash decisions. Take some time to really think about why you are thinking about this and how you might feel later if you do; it should not be something you decide on a whim. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

finnybooboo

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Ultimately you will do what is right for you, but I do hope you really think about what it all means and explore other options besides abortion as the only choice. I am definitely biased, as I'm a pregnant woman who is freaking out everyday about losing a baby I want so dearly. And there are so many women out there struggling to get pregnant and have a family but who cannot. I want to cry knowing that someone who has been given this precious gift that so many women wish and pray for wants to get rid of it. I wish you best of luck no matter which decision you make.

YouGoGlenCoco31

So sorry you're dealing with this. Just sending hugs your way. Hope you can find a good support system, no matter what you decide.

vinerie

It's a difficult choice, but a completely legal one. Talk to loved ones, professionals...AND yourself. Journal. I like your idea of "trying out" each decision. The choice is yours, ultimately. You have my support either way. 

laurenmdrn16

I struggled with this decision as well. My body apparently hates being pregnant as evidenced by my traumatic and life threatening birth of my son and now the fact that I was just discharged from the hospital with this one. MH and I talked about it quite a bit. If this pregnancy would endanger my life in any way, I have a duty to my current family to act in their best interest. I am no use to anyone dead.

So, no, I will not just suck it up for 9 months to be able to give up a baby for adoption. I think that is such a bizarre "solution" that is proposed. Maybe if you have never experienced pregnancy you just don't realize how taxing and difficult and potentiality life threatening it can be. No one knows another person's story or history. OP may have had a traumatic birth/pregnancy. She may be a survivor of sexual assault. She may be in an abusive relationship. She may be a wealthy woman in a stable marriage with all the support in the world and in perfect health. That doesn't matter.

OP, this is your choice. Listen to all sides, but don't act on guilt or a sense of obligation. You have every right to make a decision regarding your body. I will pray that you are able to find clarity and peace.

PS- as for "guilt", do you really think women who have unwanted children don't feel guilty? Or women who feel pressured to go through with an injurous pregnancy and birth which leaves them infertile? And if MH or my mother forced me to go through this pregnancy after it was deemed unsafe and I died leaving my 2 year old son without a mother? Hmmm...maybe they might feel just a tad *guilty*, what do you think?

lizChesnut

This is very personal choice and everyone of us is coming from different backgrounds and experiences. But if you have any doubt about this....please listen to that doubt. You cannot undo this choice. I don't know your life or situation. But don't make a quick choice out of fear. Make the appropriate lists of pros and cons. Think meditate pray....whatever it is that you do. Just try your hardest to make the choice you'll be able to live with. Whether that means abortion or not.

mariaalene

lizChesnut said:

No regrets....do it again....? Maybe they should wear a condom next time instead. A little easier isn't it?

Whose to say they didn't use a condom? They are not 100% effective either. It's rather obvious that having an abortion is not easy

tripledaggerWed95976

I had an abortion when I was 17. I was unprepared emotionally, financially, and in every other way to bring a child into this world. I don't regret my decision but I'm 30 now and still I think about it all the time. It was very traumatic. Only u know what's best for u. Good luck to u, I'm sorry ur struggling w this

Cassandramariec

I can't say I am unbiased, but I can say this-- there are a lot of would be moms out there struggling to have a child. Or completely unable. They are waiting for a chance to adopt. After my miscarriage last year it was on my mind a lot. Recently, a young couple I consider dear friends faced a second bout of testicular cancer- bringing it more to mind.

That's just the one side though. As the above poster said, a pregnancy center can give you more information.

asunna

Cassandramariec said:

I can't say I am unbiased, but I can say this-- there are a lot of would be moms out there struggling to have a child. Or completely unable. They are waiting for a chance to adopt. After my miscarriage last year it was on my mind a lot. Recently, a young couple I consider dear friends faced a second bout of testicular cancer- bringing it more to mind. That's just the one side though. As the above poster said, a pregnancy center can give you more information.

i went to school as a social worker so i learn to be completely unbiased on said subjects its in my code of ethics. 

mrstmoose

@asunna I'm a social worker too! Social Workers Unite!! 

asunna

mrstmoose said:

@asunna I'm a social worker too! Social Workers Unite!! 

haha yay , im currently on a break from my bachelors due to my current immigration status, 
glad i found someone else on board ^_^ 

mrstmoose

@asunna - hope you can go back soon!

asunna

mrstmoose said:

@asunna - hope you can go back soon!

oh definitely i took this year off cause when i got married, i had no choice but ot go live with my husband which means immigrating from canada to america so im just waiting for all that to clear up and than im going back 

Bookhousegirl

I think PP gave great advice. It's a very personal decision that no one can make but you. I would recommend getting information on all options and possibly talking to someone who can help you sort through the feelings you're having and help you come to whatever decision is best for you.

Also, just want to add *yay social workers* (I am one myself)! I love that our board seems to have quite a few!!

LadySamLady

It took a lot of courage to post this and I commend you for that. I echo what others have said and urge you to seek the advice of a trusted counselor/mentor/friend and to make sure you understand your options from a professional. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this right now and I hope you have a strong support network in your life to lean on - secrets of this magnitude can be very isolating and bring about feelings of shame that are hard to shake. Wishing you the best.

mariaalene

yogahh said:

I don't ever talk about this, but when I was 18 I had an abortion. Whatever you do, don't make any rash decisions. Take some time to really think about why you are thinking about this and how you might feel later if you do; it should not be something you decide on a whim. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

Same here.

OP, You didn't mention any of your reasons why you were considering this option and you are not obligated to share if you are not comfortable. I would just make sure what you're feeling isn't just emotions from pregnancy hormones. You might want to consider talking to a therapist to cross out depression or something. If your concerns are financial, see what assistance is available in your area.

Hope you do find peace and happiness in whichever path you choose

thismakes4

I definitely second what PP's have said about seeing a professional for advice. I hope you have a good family/friend/counselor support however your outcome may be. Best of wishes to you.

I'm impressed with how everyone is responding to this post.

DanandVan

While I am sorry you are struggling with this decision, I am glad to hear it is a decision you will not make lightly. My advice is to be as well informed as possible. Do the research, and really look at every option asking yourself which is the best choice for everyone involved.
That was my impartial advice, and now a bit of partial advice, if its ok with you. I don't have experience with abortion, but I do have experience with an unplanned pregnancy that occured at what I considered the worst time. I just could not see how it would all work out. But...it did work out, in ways I couldn't have imagined. And my daughter is beautiful and amazing and the greatest joy. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry, and let myself know it was all going to be ok.

AppleRidge

We were, until yesterday, scheduled to have one tomorrow. We are comfortable in our relationship and finances, but never wanted more than the one kid we already had. It's so hard to make this decision because you don't know what either decision is going to actually mean for you down the road. We made a chart of possible pros/cons at 0, 1, 5 and 10 years. Ultimately it came down to the fact that the regret and wondering that would have come from terminating outweighed the negatives of proceeding. But that calculation would have easily tipped the other direction and did.
Also, we tried on each decision for a couple of days and saw how it sat. That made things so much clearer.
Good luck! It is not a nice place to be in.

AppleRidge

Don't let people sway you with guilt about other women who want a baby. That should not factor into your equation. I have been on the intense want side and yet was still capable this time around of feeling the opposite. And someone who feels tortured about whether to keep a baby should not have to endure another 9 months of torture just because someone out there might want a baby.

asunna

BBHME said:

Don't let people sway you with guilt about other women who want a baby. That should not factor into your equation. I have been on the intense want side and yet was still capable this time around of feeling the opposite. And someone who feels tortured about whether to keep a baby should not have to endure another 9 months of torture just because someone out there might want a baby.

Man you worded that much better than I could I was going to say something bout that but decided to not fight with other users but you're right

It isn't fair for people to sway with guilt

doozer1345

asunna said:

Don't let people sway you with guilt about other women who want a baby. That should not factor into your equation. I have been on the intense want side and yet was still capable this time around of feeling the opposite. And someone who feels tortured about whether to keep a baby should not have to endure another 9 months of torture just because someone out there might want a baby.

Man you worded that much better than I could I was going to say something bout that but decided to not fight with other users but you're right It isn't fair for people to sway with guilt

Not trying to start a fight here but really how is the situation fair to anyone involved? I don't mean to be high and mighty but my opinion is people do have to live with their consequences. What road they choose to deal with them on is up to them but it shouldn't  come at the price of someone who doesn't have a say so bc that's actually not fair. It doesn't have to be a lose lose for everyone involved. Guilt is something she's going to live with either way. It's what she's willing to feel guilty of is the choice she's having to make.

ETA: I had years and years of IF and one of my best friends got pg. She immediately wanted an abortion. I don't think she knew who the dad was for sure and she certainly wasn't in a position to take care of a child. I offered to take the child for her but she was bent on getting an abortion. I wouldn't take her to get it done but arranged for her to have transportation. She has suffered since with her decision. It's been 4 years.

lovearoo

I should probably stay away from this one.

asunna

i was going to comment more but i deleted it all as i dont feel its worth it to spark up a huge argument 

op please heed my advice as a professional in the field of mental health etc , please go speak to someone with unbiased opinions who can give you all the information you need to make an informed decision, which ever it may be 

AppleRidge

@doozer, You have no idea how she would have suffered with that child. Fighting with the dad, no help, depression... all possible. We were mature enough to realize that either decision would ruin us in some way, and that is hardly "avoiding consequences."

BreezieBre

I do not want to advise you either way, just share my story and experience. I have terminated a pregnancy. I was in college, I and the guy I was with was in no position to take care of a child, and did not want to burden our families. We immediately made the decision to terminate. Thinking only of the facts and circumstances in front of us. We went to PP, there were protesters outside telling us "not to do it, how we'd regret it, etc." We ignored it.

I am still convinced that I was not ready for a child at that time. However, what I did not realize at that time, was although I was only a few weeks, I was already a mother. I was somehow attached to this growth inside of me that I didn't even want. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized how much I unknowingly loved the my child to be, how he/she was depending on me. There was instant regret. I couldn't look at any baby or pregnant woman for a year or more without becoming sad. He had regret as well. It took a toll on our relationship.

I finished school, started my career, and now I'm in a place where I'm totally elated to be 9W pg right now. And again I already feel like a mother, every bite of food i eat, every doctor i see, has to be the best! I've been anxiously waiting but planning with purpose to become pregnant again. However the what ifs of my 1st pregnancy still remain and I know that if I would have known what I know now, I would not have made the decision to terminate my gift.

katykatykaty

doozer1345 said:

asunna said:

Don't let people sway you with guilt about other women who want a baby. That should not factor into your equation. I have been on the intense want side and yet was still capable this time around of feeling the opposite. And someone who feels tortured about whether to keep a baby should not have to endure another 9 months of torture just because someone out there might want a baby.

Man you worded that much better than I could I was going to say something bout that but decided to not fight with other users but you're right It isn't fair for people to sway with guilt

Not trying to start a fight here but really how is the situation fair to anyone involved? I don't mean to be high and mighty but my opinion is people do have to live with their consequences. What road they choose to deal with them on is up to them but it shouldn't  come at the price of someone who doesn't have a say so bc that's actually not fair. It doesn't have to be a lose lose for everyone involved. Guilt is something she's going to live with either way. It's what she's willing to feel guilty of is the choice she's having to make.

ETA: I had years and years of IF and one of my best friends got pg. She immediately wanted an abortion. I don't think she knew who the dad was for sure and she certainly wasn't in a position to take care of a child. I offered to take the child for her but she was bent on getting an abortion. I wouldn't take her to get it done but arranged for her to have transportation. She has suffered since with her decision. It's been 4 years.

Well, you do come across as high and mighty.  Having an abortion IS dealing with the consequences, and you have ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in what the consequences are to someone else.  Many people have abortions and don't suffer with their decision, but way to lay on the unnecessary guilt. 

OP: Nobody else can make this decision for you.  I wish you clarity in the weeks ahead and peace that whatever decision you make is the right one.

yogahh

BreezieBre  you took the words right out of my mouth

lizChesnut

No regrets....do it again....? Maybe they should wear a condom next time instead. A little easier isn't it?

tripledaggerWed95976

mariaalene said:

No regrets....do it again....? Maybe they should wear a condom next time instead. A little easier isn't it?

Whose to say they didn't use a condom? They are not 100% effective either. It's rather obvious that having an abortion is not easy

Agreed. I was on birth control when I concieved