Formula Feeding Guilt

klcarr19

Im new to the discussion boards and I wanted to introduce myself first, I am a FTM and a full time teacher. My DH and I are over the moon with the expected arrival of our little girl on March 16th.

Now for my question... I have now gone through hospital birthing classes and the big hot topic was "You must Breastfeed!" I am completely overwhelmed by this idea since I must go back to work in 6 weeks after baby is born. With chronic migraines I was taken off medication when we found out we were pregnant and they have been debilitating throughout the pregnancy. I've talked to the OB and my General Practitioner about this and it looks as if I am going back on medicine for the migraines when she is born. Thus canceling out breastfeeding.

Now, how do you deal with the comments that come when people find out you are formula feeding? Will the guilt of not being able to breastfeed ever go away? Right now all I hear is how wrong of a choice I am making....

marthah05

Breastfeeding is a personal choice. A healthy and comfortable Mom is just as important as breastfeeding. Just let the nurses know early on that you will not be breastfeeding, and it is not up for discussion. Why are you going to feel guilty for not breastfeeding? I know when I get a migraine I cannot function, so I assume other people have the similar problem. If you can't function how are you going to care for your child? So seriously don't beat yourself up, and don't let anyone else beat you up about it either.

One last thing, if you were a breast cancer survivor and had a double mastectomy would you feel guilty about not breastfeeding?

Bluebell0315

I didn't breastfeed with #1, and I'm not doing it with #2. I'm guilt free, and you should be, too. It's a personal choice!

finallyourturn2

I would others if my child looked malnourished. Once they said no, I would tell them to mind their own business. A healthy mom and baby are more important than whether your baby gets breast milk or formula.

klcarr19

It wasn't until recently I had the guilt. I'm 33 weeks on Monday and it was a lot of comments made to me by other people. I really think people just like to judge and jump to conclusions but when I was called "selfish" for choosing my Heath over the health of my baby (their words not mine) it made me wonder if I was really getting the backlash because of selfishness.

mangomimosa

It's not choosing your health over baby's. Migraines can be debilitating & you can't be a good mom if you're throwing up/laying in a dark room/etc for hours and hours, on a regular basis. If you really want to breastfeed, talk to your docs about options (maybe a different Med would work? Maybe a pediatrician would be ok with you breastfeeding anyway? Lactation & medication is tricky, and full of myths - many docs perpetuate these without realizing it.) You can also just breastfeed for a short time before going back on meds (maybe something about hormonal changes with breastfeeding will control your headaches & buy you some time?) -- OR just bottle feed. And if anyone gives you crap say -- My baby is fed & loved. That is all you need to know.

KD32412

Hello fellow teacher! My friend is in the same boat as you, crazy migraines. In fact, she was worried to get pregnant due to her migraine medication (that and discovering that some pregnancies increase migraines). Changing your diet might help, you can talk with a nutritionist and see if anything you're doing triggers them. Ultimately though, breastfeeding vs formula feeding is YOUR choice. You could try and set up a timeline, like a 1-2 months, see how it goes... Then you can always say that you did your best and won't have the lingering "what if" thoughts. Best of luck!

theladycoy13

I feel your pain I too want to breastfeed but for the wrong reasons I am on heart meds. My doctor said breastfeeding is not a good idea because of the stress on my already stressed body.I feel so guilty about not trying I am willing to do it knowing very well I will probably be placing my health at risk. Why should it matter so much? If the baby is fed and Mom is healthy that is all that should matter. I feel there is a lot of pressure to breastfeed from everyone today. My advice if you can't you can't talk to someone about your feeling it's important to get them out. There are people who will help you and support you. I hope you find a way to be peace with your not breastfeeding. Remember your a great Mom and a breast doesn't make you better a Mom.

Akrystofiak

I've found that there's two really good ways to deal with the over personal questions people feel they have a right to ask pregnant women/new mothers depending on your personality. 

1. Be snarky. Ask them a personal question in return, or as a PP said just indicate that you have a healthy child and it doesn't matter. 

2. Own it. Every mother typically has a valid reason why they make the decisions they do but you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Even though I'm a FTM, I know a lot of moms who have gone both ways. When you see that your baby is perfectly well nourished with formula (while you're not being debilitated by migraines), you'll probably feel the guilt start to fade. Though, let's be honest, as moms we'll probably feel guilty about loads of shit in the future so don't sweat it. 

lib1974

I too will have to go back to work shortly after birth and the type of work that I do is not going to be conducive to breastfeeding feeding for a long period of time. If your baby is getting fed, no matter how that is accomplished it will he just fine.

Like @Akrystofiak‌ said, owning your decision, in my opinion, is the best way to get people to back off. Yes there are many benefits to breastfeeding your child and if it permits maybe you do it for the first few days/week so they get the good stuff at least. If not, he/she will live and be a healthy child regardless. My mom couldn't breastfeeding feed me for very long and I seem to be doing fine! Good luck

sunset30

Sorry you are going through this, I can imagine how frustrating it must be. Its terrible people can be so judgmental about things that are none of their business. As everyone has said, you need to do what is right for you and your family. Your decision to formula vs. breast feed has nothing to do with selfishness. Millions of babies have turned out perfectly fine being fed 100% formula. My siblings and I all were formula fed, and each of us were very healthy through our childhoods and into adulthood, were pretty much straight A students, are well rounded and happy, and all now have good jobs as adults. 

What is most important is that you can be there for your baby as a loving, nurturing caretaker and it is pretty hard to do that if you have debilitating migranes. If you feel like someone asking you is going to judge you, you are totally within your rights to change the subject or not answer them. Your parenting decisions are nobody's business but yours and your husbands. Don't get discouraged! 

cakergirl

You don't owe anyone an explanation but you can always tell an abbreviated version of the truth. i.e "I would LOVE to breastfeed but unfortunately my doctors and the pediatrician have decided that due to some medications I am required to take its just not safe".

Then you could change the subject and ask an equally rude and overly personal question like "when are you going to start losing that extra weight you are carrying around? Most doctors would recommend you lose at least 20 lb, it's so much healthier for you in the long run!". Haha but I could never reallly ask someone this.

jpavenski

I didn't breastfeed my son due to asthma medications I had to go back on & also going back to work at 8 weeks. It didn't bother me at first but it is aggravating at times when you feel judged. My son had terrible reflux & had to go on a special prescription formula, so breastfeeding prob wouldn't have worked well for him anyway. I found that letting the nurses know ahead of time helped a lot, so I didn't feel pressured at the hospital. Try not to feel guilty!

mermaid1113

I was just informed after dd is born I will need to be put on blood thinners due to a pre existing condition which also eliminates the option to breast feed for me. It's not something that I feel bad about- I agree that we as moms need to be healthy too. Anyone who has a problem or opinion on it will promptly be put right back in their place by me because I'm not gonna have it!

Mic512

I had problems breast feeding with DS, and he was supplemented with formula from the hospital forward. People sometimes say thoughtless things & just ignore them! I am blessed my migraines go away while pregnant but come right back after delivery. Can you delay going back on your meds for a few days & nurse so LO receives the colostrum? Don't feel guilty about doing what is right for you & LO!

msarnold1013

I plan on breastfeeding with this baby. I gave up after only a few months with my first and I felt very guilty. But I'm only doing it this time for myself (and baby of course). Everyone I know seems to be 'your baby, your body' which is nice!! If someone had something negative to say, I'd let them talk and then either change the subject or just walk away. No one should feel like they have the right to tell you what to do with your body.

EDWHIP

It's not going to stop with the topic of breastfeeding.  You are going to be criticized by every little choice you make in your child's life.  It never ends.  It's hard and I've struggled with it too, but try to make a decision and own it.  You are doing the best you can.  Good luck!

PetittMommy

I was unable to breastfeed with my first and was constantly made to feel bad about it. Untill one day I realized that I was doing the best I could with what I had. If they don't like it tell them their opinion is not wanted or asked for. Your the mom, you know what's best for your little bundle.

stellar2325

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/why-i-dont-breastfeed-if-you-must-know/2014/10/13/74c5fd3e-459a-11e4-9a15-137aa0153527_story.html 

@klcarr19

 

ETA: I was so taken with the "breast is best" idea that I nursed my son every hour and pumped in between ... until at 2 months old he was BELOW the first percentile in weight.  You know what's worse than formula-feeding guilt? The guilt I felt knowing I didn't listen to my instincts that my son was basically starving for the first weeks of his life.  After his first supplemental bottle for formula, he slept the whole night.  It was like he was finally satisfied. 

Is breast best? Most of the time, but not always. And when we lose our common sense, it is at what cost? Feeding our children as loving moms is enough - and, in my opinion, that's whats "best".

(BTW, my kid couldn't be smarter or more bonded to me .. no allergies, etc.)

Bostonchelle

Best advice I can offer is to ignore everyone's opinions. People will judge you for not breastfeeding, people will judge you for breastfeeding too long. When it comes to just about everything there is to do with parenting everyone has an opinion and many are more than happy to share their opinion. The sooner you can decide that you don't care what others say/think the better. A happy healthy mom is one of the most important things a baby can have and if that means formula feeding then that's what is best for your family.

Denae'sTTC

Don't feel bad! I BF #1 and then #2 I tried to but ended up on meds
A week after birth which was pretty new and not a lot of information out there on the risks. My older son was
Also craving my attention and the whole mommy is feeding and him saying "again?", I just felt like
I couldn't give both kids fair time with bf. With the medicine and that I called it quits. I'm now having #3 and
I am not BF. I don't feel bad and I know my life will be so much easier
And all 3 of my boys will have my time. Don't let anyone make
You feel bad!! Do what is right for you!

ChandlerPaige

I breastfed my first, (currently pregnant with my second) but when he needed to stay with others or when close family who I trusted to watch him requested to watch him for longer than a feeding, I sent formula. I didn't want to pump. It was a personal choice. Pumping was very uncomfortable & unnatural for me. When people who knew I breastfed asked why he had formula in his bag I simply asked "Why are you so concerned with my nipples?" & that was always the end of it lol people don't need to know your story or have an explanation. You're the mother of that child, not them. Flip a bird & walk away

jillbabe91

I personally am going to breast feed as long as possible...but if it does not work out then I'm going straight to formula. No guilt. Don't feel bad, it is your choice. Taking care of migraines to go to work for baby is also very important. People will always have rude things to say, and be judgmental...brush those rude people off, it's not their baby.