Baby shower trouble

dmayfield26

Im currently 28 weeks with my first child. Due to my current financial status I cannot afford a baby shower. My boyfriend's mom offered to do the shower but once the price of getting a room for the event came she asked my boyfriend to pay for it which trickled down to me being asked to pay for half. As well as paying for decorations and food out of our pockets. I never felt a shower was necessary because only our families would be there and if they really wanted to give the baby something we would greatly appreciate it baby shower or not. We've paid for all of the more expensive items ourselves and I've received old clothes from a family member's baby and bought clothes myself. His family feels it's necessary to have it but why should my boyfriend and I pay for everything? I didn't even want the shower and now I'm getting a hard time from him because I don't want to pay for anything. I'd rather just keep saving like we've been doing and purchase anything else we need. Any other mom's experiencing issues with planning?

Whitfry

A shower is a gift to the mother-to-be. You should not be involved in paying for or planning the shower. I would respectfully let her know that you are unable to help pay for the shower, and that you are perfectly happy without one.

But the only thing you should have to do for your own shower is help with the guest list and show up. Your BF's mom should either stay within her means or not offer to host the event at all.

2Swanns

You should never be expected to contribute to your own shower because you don't throw your own shower. It's hosted by someone who wants to do it for you. I think it's great that you are willing and prepared to pay for baby things on your own, because no one should expect a shower and should be fully prepared to buy things themselves if they take on the responsibility of a child.

Stick to your guns - sounds like you're being responsible about it. A shower should be hosted by a person or people who want to do it for you.

dmayfield26

Thank you all so much. I've been feeling in a hole by myself about this. My boyfriend's mom recently had a baby in April and she did her baby shower herself with help from a friend to host but so many of her friends and co workers wanted to have a shower for her but she refused because of her not being in control of food arrangements and the guests. So she doesn't see it being wrong with us paying for it. I've expressed my opinion and it's been set and stone for months now but they think they can break me into paying for it. I'm not going to worry about it anymore but my boyfriend has distanced himself from me because of this.

Whitfry

Your boyfriend clearly got his sense of appropriate social behavior from his mother, who sounds like a cesspool of tacky gross behaviors. If he can't be supportive of you in this situation, especially when it involves finances and things you can't afford, do you trust him to follow a budget once baby is here? Or to back you up when his mom is pressuring you on some element of parenting you feel strongly about?

I would have a serious conversation with him and let him know now is his time to determine where his localities lay. With the mother of his child, or with his own mother. You need a supportive partner who is capable of making good choices.

In the meantime, just stick to your guns and refuse to pay. If your accounts are separated and he wants to pay for stuff that's his problem, but don't let him out of his share of the bills and don't compensate for him. Babies mean financial sacrifice and he needs to understand that. You already have most of the essentials, it sounds like. Don't waste money on a party. Tell him you need the money for diapers.

cafecreme

^^ What she did isn't proper etiquette and seems a little crazy/controlling (in regards to her own baby shower). Tell her you'd rather spend the money on things for the baby than the actual shower. 

janda426

You sound like you're trying to do the right thing here and are being bombarded with absolute classlessness and tackiness. If they want to throw you a shower it falls entirely on them, your financial contribution is zero. Agree with PPs that you need to stick to your guns and figure out where your boyfriends loyalties lie

mangomimosa

Man, this is the last thing I expected to read when I clicked on this post! OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. As others have said, your BF & his mom are well-intentioned, but totally, 100% wrong. A baby shower is not at all paid for by the mother-to-be. Hosting your own shower is tacky as hell. It sounds like the truth is that none of you can afford to host a shower, and thus, should not. It's not a requirement to have a baby shower! 

ngolimento

Your boyfriend's mother's inability to host a reasonable event (seriously, she HAS to rent a venue?) Is not your problem. Decline, and let your boyfriend know that it is unacceptable that a stupid party so negatively impacts your relationship.

kellbell1982

You could also show this thread to your bf to show him that you are not the only one who feels this way and that it's an etiquette problem.

mwerren

I agree with PP. Your boyfriend's mom is lacking in etiquette when it comes to showers. Perhaps she can just offer a small, family affair in her home instead?

thursday

I agree with PPs you should not be asked to pay for your own shower . She shouldn't have offered if she expected you to pay.

mermaid1113

I agree with showing your bf this thread. In no way is it your responsibility to pay for anything for the shower. If someone wants to host the party- then that's what they will do- host it! That includes all financial obligations for said party. Sorry both your bf and his mom have no concept of how parties are handled.

Angelaketa

There is no way you should pay a dime for a shower you didn't ask for. If anything you can suggest ways for them to cut costs like having the shower at someone's house and not renting a venue, minimize the decorations, and things of that nature. Or just asked for them to cancel it. No skin off your back.