How would you handle this?

Jen4033

So I kinda referenced my situation in my Monday Bitchfest. My H & my mom had a blow up over this last weekend that ended our son's 3rd birthday party abruptly.  Essentially, my mom & H are like oil & water. He cannot stand her & she has some inner need for him to like her, which just makes things worse with him. She is on the rather unstable side emotionally & is always the victim, never owning up to anything she might have done or said to offend another person. We really need to get some boundaries established with her.

There is a lot of history & I have attended therapy sessions with her in the past where we have tried to address our relationship issues.  I have come to the conclusion that less contact with her is better. However, I don't want to 'keep her grandkids from her' like she has accused me of doing... or accused me of going to do in the future. So she is of, course always going to be invited to any birthday parties or special events my kids do. These are the events where my H & her have to co-exist.

So to get to my question to all of you. One of the things that comes up whenever we have family gatherings on my side of the family is that people hang out... for long periods of time. In effort to set up one of the boundaries with my mom I specifically set an end time for parties, but my family members just don't recognize that they are there. I cannot think of how to handle getting people to leave after a party is wrapped up, without feeling like I am kicking them out or being rude. I feel bad after they have come to give my kid a nice party & birthday gift, to approach asking them to leave.  My H's family comes & enjoys themselves, has fun with the kids, & then go home. My family just stays & stays. This weekend, for example... the party was set from 2-4pm. It was about 6pm when things hit the fan between my H & mom. They do not take hints either when I start yawning, or start listing all the things I have to do that night still.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach or suggest people start to leave?  Without feeling like a bitch for doing so?

kaiteygrl

Are you close to your family or a specific family member.  Maybe you could talk to one person, like a sibling or your Dad, and explain the situation and get them to kind of help usher people out.   I hate when people linger and I'm sure I come across far more rude then I mean to, but I will start hinting and about 15 minutes later I clean up and start getting coats ready, etc..  Basically pretending like I'm being helpful, but real GTFO.  Another option would be to host things away from your home so you can leave when you're ready and they can do whatever they want without it affecting you.

Jen4033

Thanks @kaiteygrl.

I'm actually not very close to my family. We've really drifted apart since I've been out on my own, gotten married & started our own family. It has been one of those situations where I never really saw my family as anything but normal, until my H kinda put a mirror up to it. There really is a ton of dysfunction there. 

I like your idea of getting coats ready, etc.  I've tried the cleaning up thing... they essentially just follow me around carrying on conversations. (They don't even HELP clean up while they do this. I would never expect a guest to do this, but if I was at someone's event & they were cleaning up, I wouldn't hesitate to step up & grab something. At least throw away my cup & plate or bring something over to the sink.) I turn around & they are right on my heels. These people are seriously oblivious.  The grabbing coats thing, or maybe since it is winter I can offer to start anyone's car for them.

Thanks again for the train of thought. I hope this helps when LO's 1st birthday comes along. Next year my oldest will be turning 4. A trip to Chuck e Cheese might be worth it so we can leave when we want as you mentioned.

ErinO21

This may be rude, but it sounds like you need rude lol. Just start asking them to do this to help you clean up. Just, "Hey can you dump that in the trash?" or "Can you fold that table up for me?" One of two things will happen. They will get annoyed and start leaving sooner, or they will stay but at least you will have gotten something out of it haha.

Jen4033

ErinO21 said:

This may be rude, but it sounds like you need rude lol. Just start asking them to do this to help you clean up. Just, "Hey can you dump that in the trash?" or "Can you fold that table up for me?" One of two things will happen. They will get annoyed and start leaving sooner, or they will stay but at least you will have gotten something out of it haha.

I think the bolded is a truth I have been fighting, but probably just need to face! I'll be keeping this in mind!

anakah

I've learned to just be blunt with my family.  Three kids later there's no time for beating around the bush.  If I need someone to do something or be somewhere, I politely tell them exactly what I need.  I don't have time to worry about inadvertently hurting anyone's feelings because they took it personally.  Good luck with your family.

RJBrownie84

My hubby *is* that guy who likes to stay forever. Like at Thanksgiving, our host went and put her PJ's on, started washing dishes, etc. and he's still trying to have conversations. Usually, it's up to me to sense when the party is over and get us out of there.

Maybe you can enlist the help of a member of the family who is a little less oblivious? Like asking them to help you wrap things up & move people along so that you can get the kids to bed or whatever?

If you are doing something during the day, maybe let them know ahead of time that you have plans for later? You could slip it into conversation beforehand: "Baby's party will be at 2:00, and then we have to head out to be at church/ friend's house/ other engagement by 5:00"