Baby Hayden Frances born 12/20/14 at 11:11 a.m... Our perfect little miracle. Here's how we got here:
My lovely wife:
5 IUI's January 2013-June 2013- 3 Cycles with Clomid- BFN
Myself: Genderqueer guy who hopped in the driver's seat of the baby making train
IUI #6- 7/23- Monitored and Trigger on Day 12, with one 16mm follicle and one 18mm follicle- BFN
IUI #7- 8/21- Not monitored, 50mg Clomid- BFN
September and October: Missed Cycles due to vacation and a Half Marathon
IUI #8- Monitored and triggered on day 15, with one 23x18mm follicle- BFN on 11/19/2013
December: Moved onto to see an RE to make a good plan.
IUI #9- 1/1/2014 Natural Cycle, BFP on 1/15/2014, 6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014
IUI #10 3/21/2014- Natural Cycle- BFP on 4/1/2014 (please don't be an April Fools. Beta #1 13dpiui- 48, Beta #2 16dpiui- 416, Beta #3 1018...
1st Ultrasound- 4/22/2014- 6w4d HB- 134!
Check out my Blog at: http://pregnantboithinksoutloud.blogspot.com/
Re: Irrate About Meeting with HR
Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012
5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN
Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer! *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581 *********William George born June 4, 2014*********Me: 30 DW (aka C): 29
Together since 2/15/11 ~ Legally married in NY on 9/29/12
***CP mentioned***
We've been working on baby #1 since July 2013 using Open ID donor sperm. 8 IUI attempts with 5 actual IUIs and one chemical pregnancy. We have one fresh IVF cycle under our belts as well as a FET. I have endometriosis and a uterine septum that was corrected via surgery in November 2013.
11/14/14 - Second HSG shows that tubes are still clear and ute is looking good.
12/6/14 - Started BCPs in prep for IVF #2
12/22/14 - Saline u/s and endometrial scratch (All was clear and OUCH!)
1/2/15 - Began stimming for IVF #2
****All Welcome!****
We are Mommas to four fur babies - 3 dogs and 1 cat.
In the end, you need to do what feels right for your family (especially if you have to go back to working for these people later) I personally would check in with the appropriate advocacy group. Does your company have an lgbt alliance? They would be most clued up on this. If nothing else, it will raise awareness that something needs to be done.
keep us filled in.
Alright, so I have lots and lots of thoughts and feelings on this now that I have had some time to mull it over further...
Let's start with the obvious -- this person is an idiot. I mean, you are 37 weeks (yay!) pregnant. Seriously! The fact that she felt congratulations were in order only after she realized you were carrying is heartbreaking. I almost feel sorry for her. Her view of what makes a family is so narrow and misguided. As an HR professional, she should be ashamed of herself. There is simply no other way to put it.
Now, onto my rage about the way parental leave works (or doesn't!) in the United States. There are some people who are lucky enough to work for companies/organizations with stellar maternity/parental/family leave plans. My comments are not going to pertain to those people, but I do recognize that they do exist, for the minority of people in this country.
Here was my personal experience with leave when I had my son: I had 7 weeks off at full pay, but only 2 of those weeks were considered "maternity leave" by my company. Then I used 2 weeks of sick time I had accumulated, followed by 3 weeks of vacation time that I had saved. I took 3 working days with no pay, and at 7.5 weeks postpartum, I returned to work. I have been at my company for 5 years. 2 weeks is the maximum maternity leave offered, after that you use your accumulated PTO, once you exhaust your PTO, you are eligible for FMLA at up to 60% of your pay for 4 more weeks (BUT you also have to pay the company back for what they pay into your health insurance during that time since technically you are on unpaid leave). Well, 60% of my pay wasn't going to cut it as the bread winner in my family, so I went back to work. If I had not had 2 weeks of sick time and three weeks of vacation time saved, then 60% of pay would have started after only 2 weeks, and would have lasted until 6 weeks post partum, then nothing.... AND this was with me being the gestational parent. My wife, got NOTHING from her job. She used the week of vacation she had left, then she went back to work part time when Will was 6 days old for a few weeks before she quit to be a SAHM. If our plan had not been for her to be a SAHM, she would have had a whopping 6 days with our son before returning to work.
My point is this, this system is broken! Having a child (be it through pregnancy for you or your partner/spouse, adoption, or other means) is a giant life changing event. Working, tax paying Americans are pretty much left to their own devices to figure out how to afford to take time off from work when starting/building a family. In my opinion, it is shameful. People who go through childbirth should have a minimum of 12 fully paid weeks off. Folks who become parents but do not actually give birth themselves (partners/spouses, people who are adopting, etc.) should be offered a minimum of 6 weeks at full pay. It is the least that can be done, in my opinion!
OK, rant over about that, and sorry if I went off on a tangent about parental leave here. I just get really fired up about this topic! I kept thinking about what would happen if A worked at the same organization as you do, and if you both had sat down together with HR. A would have been SOL since she is not carrying, and that is SO wrong.
Now back to the VP of HR... who does she report to? Do you think that person might be at all understanding here, or are they equally misguided in this area? In terms of suggestions on how much of a revolution you want to start, I think it depends on how many waves you want to make with your employer at this point. Also, and not to be discounted, you are having a baby in a few short period of time. The last thing you need right now is drama. While I think a revolution is in order, taking on that burden during this time in your life is a lot...
I honestly don't know what I would do. I would probably write a strongly worded letter/email summarizing the encounter and how I felt about it to submit to the VP of HR and her boss, and then I would let it go... for my own sanity while prepping to have a baby at any time...
Again, I am really sorry that this happened to you. It is so shitty for so many reasons. Offering big hugs! Let us know what you decide to do. And if you need foot soldiers in your revolution, just let us know!
Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012
5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN
Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer! *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581 *********William George born June 4, 2014*********@doodah1013 I'm so sorry that your company has intolerant policies and employs disgustingly intolerant people who can barely even congratulate you for your pregnancy. I understand your desire to start a revolution, your post made me so angry. I just wish I knew how to go about it.
A & K, married 7/1/13.
After 10 months of ttc via medicated IUIs and two early losses, we finally got our boys- Perfect premie twins born 5/27/14.
Married: 10/4/2013
TTC Since September 2014
BFP 11/30/2014 ~ EDD 8/13/2015 ~ CP 12/5/2014
BFP #2 12/30/2014 ~ EDD 9/13/2015 Stick bean stick!
So ... we know you love your job. But, unfortunately, you work for (or at least around/near) some real a-holes. And also, you happen to be in a state that still has discriminatory laws on the books.
Is this idiot's behavior typical of leaders in your company?
So just to state for the record, I am fuming for you. We look to our leaders, ESPECIALLY THOSE IN HR, to be sensitive, well-spoken, and to handle difficult interpersonal situations well. This woman displayed none of those characteristics.
But I think the crux of this problem is three-fold: OH's laws suck right now related to gay marriage, the US (and most states) has some really effed up parental leave laws (actually, they don't have any - other than FMLA which not everyone qualifies for and does nothing in terms of income), and your HR person is a total idiot. Unfortunately, while you can certainly work for political change, you're only likely going to be able to cause a near-term change on the last of the 3 things.
I agree with PP that a carefully worded letter (remember, you love your job and the reality is that you need to keep that in mind) addressing the VP of HR's issues of gender norming is probably the way to go. Your company's policies may suck, but most companies do the bare minimum required by the state and federal government because they believe it's the most economical for them. And they haven't figured out yet that happy, well-supported employees are better and more productive employees. But whatever. I guess what I'm saying is that any arguments you make about the company's policies or applications of local laws will not go nearly as far as an argument for some sensitivity training for a person who likely should be capable of teaching the class herself.
I'm sorry you had to endure that incredibly awkward and offensive encounter. People really suck sometimes. You deserve better. We all do.
Married to my amazing wife 6/12/10
TTC since 6/11
Unmedicated IUI #1 - 6/28/11 - BFN
Unmedicated IUI #2 - 7/25/11 - BFN
Robotic Myomectomy (Fibroid Surgery) - 11/15/11
Unmedicated IUI #3 - 4/24/12 - BFN
Progesterone Supported Leuteal Phase IUI #4 - 6/21/12 - BFP!!
Baby Boy G Born 3/24/13
On to #2, are we crazy?
IUI #1 - 11/28/14 - BFP! Beta #1 (11DPO) 34, Beta #2 (13DPO) 101, Beta #3 (20DPO) 3043
Ultrasound at 6w4d shows a single, fluttering heartbeat. Say hello to Sticky Ricki!
I'm with @KH826 about our crap maternity/paternity policies in the US. And I fall under the rare minority who gets the full benefit of 12 weeks paid (it's through my PTO bank but I earn 7 weeks a year so it's pretty easy to save up your days). Still pittance compared to our Canadian friends but there you go.
Reading your post made my stomach hurt. I can't even imagine sitting across from such an ignorant pig and keeping my composure, especially with all my raging hormones. Kudos to you for not flipping the table over and shoving her out a window!
I'm not sure how compassionate upper management is at your company but I would definitely report her for being so blatantly insensitive and inconsiderate. It is 100% inexcusable for a VP of HR to behave that way. That goes against everything HR is supposed to be! My HR treats my partner and I with respect as a couple and as future parents. I cannot begin to imagine how I'd react if I wasn't treated with respect, by my own employer no less.
If you don't think the person above her would be sympathetic, I'd look for a new job after you've had the baby and settled in with life as a new parent. You deserve better than that. I live in Indiana which, I believe, is equally as conservative as Ohio and I found an employer that treats me as well as my straight colleagues. Then I'd toss a whole fish in the VP of HR's vent on my last day, along with disconnecting her computer, phone, and maybe tamper with the doorknob so it's harder to turn, but I'm incredibly petty...
In any case, I am so sorry you had to deal with that at all. It's incredibly unfair that she can behave like that without any consequences. I am very sad Ohio won't offer you much protection. Now that the majority of the states respect same-sex marriage it's just a matter of time before SCOTUS says "enough is enough" and overturns all the remaining hateful bans.
Bowling Green, City of
Cincinnati, City of
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Columbus, City of
Coshocton, City of
Dayton, City of
East Cleveland, City of
Newark, City of
Oxford, City of
Summit County
Toledo, City of
Yellow Springs, Village of
CageyMack
37, married to my favorite person in the world, DW! One darling surfer-girl (12) and one darling, sweet boy born 3/16/13.
5/2013 Started TTC #3, DW's turn: 5/2013: Diagnostics (shg) and surgery (polyp rem.) for best chances. July-Oct: IUI # 1-4, medicated, monitored, triggered. All BFN. IVF in Jan May. Sheesh. Whoop! IVF#1 cycle started 4/2/14. 5/1: 19 eggs retrieved, 8 matured, ICSI'd. 4 fertilized. Only 2 to transfer/freeze stage. 5/6: Two embryos transferred. 5/15: Beta #1 9dp5dt is 134! BFP! 5/19: Beta #2 13dp5dt is 672! B'erFP! 5/21: Beta #3 15dp5dt is 1853. Yay!
"Things separate from their stories have no meaning. They are only shapes. Of a certain size and color. A certain weight. When their meaning has become lost to us they no longer have even a name. The story on the other hand can never be lost from its place in the world for it is that place.” ― Cormac McCarthy, The Crossing
First, let me say it is wonderful to have a group to come to who just GETS it. I talk to my Mom and it makes her so sad that all she wants to do is make me feel better, when all I really want are for people to say... YEAH THAT SUCKS... and understand what it means.
I sat down with my Direct Supervisor today... who is amazing on so many levels. She is also a very good friend, has 3 wonderful children with her spouse (she carried 2 and her partner carried 1)... and has felt all the pains of what our organization has chosen as their policy. She was pretty upset about the whole ordeal, and immediately wanted to make sure that I was not putting too much stress energy into this at this moment, because I should be focusing on the birth of our first child (yeah... she really is wonderful.) We made a plan together... but she kind of wants to take the lead on it. She holds a higher position, has addressed this with the CEO before, and we are both of the opinion that it will be better received coming from her... She is going to get my continuing feedback, and we are working together on how to get it addressed.
Our short list of concerns that need to be addressed are:
1. Making sure the HR person gets sensitivity training
and
2. That she gets a better understanding of the difference between Federal Law and State Law (FMLA is governed by Federal Law and I am FEDERALLY married, so what she was saying was incorrect, even if I wasn't carrying.)
We are also hoping this will open a broader conversation about our personnel policies. For those of you don't know, I work for an organization that stands for empowering young women... who has always been ahead of the curve on breaking down gender barriers. Now that we are headed into being in the last 20% of the country that doesn't have marriage equality, it may be a good idea to think about what being on the wrong side of history on this one will look like. (*** I must note that although, I do work for an organization that is governed by a national blanket org., each council is able to dictate their own policy on this matter... so please don't take it out on any little kids who come to your door selling cookies... not all councils choose to discriminate).
I think this is a good time to open this conversation up. There are a lot of GLBTQ individuals in our organization who are working very hard to ensure a brighter future for our membership. I just think it is time that someone started thinking about ensuring a brighter future for us as well...
Again, thank you for all of the thoughtful responses... It made me feel less alone, and very well supported.
Baby Hayden Frances born 12/20/14 at 11:11 a.m... Our perfect little miracle. Here's how we got here:
My lovely wife:
5 IUI's January 2013-June 2013- 3 Cycles with Clomid- BFN
Myself: Genderqueer guy who hopped in the driver's seat of the baby making train
IUI #6- 7/23- Monitored and Trigger on Day 12, with one 16mm follicle and one 18mm follicle- BFN
IUI #7- 8/21- Not monitored, 50mg Clomid- BFN
September and October: Missed Cycles due to vacation and a Half Marathon
IUI #8- Monitored and triggered on day 15, with one 23x18mm follicle- BFN on 11/19/2013
December: Moved onto to see an RE to make a good plan.
IUI #9- 1/1/2014 Natural Cycle, BFP on 1/15/2014, 6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014
IUI #10 3/21/2014- Natural Cycle- BFP on 4/1/2014 (please don't be an April Fools. Beta #1 13dpiui- 48, Beta #2 16dpiui- 416, Beta #3 1018...
1st Ultrasound- 4/22/2014- 6w4d HB- 134!
Check out my Blog at: http://pregnantboithinksoutloud.blogspot.com/
9 IUIs = 9 BFNs
IVF October 2012: 22 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 5 frozen
ET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Blighted ovum discovered at 7w5d; D&E
FET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Missed m/c discovered at 9w5d; D&E
Karyotyping: normal ~ RPL Testing: normal ~ Hysteroscopy: normal
FET #2: 1 blast transferred 10/25; BFP 10/31!
EDD 7/13/14 ~ Induced at 37w4d due to pre-eclampsia ~ Born on 6/28/14
*Everyone welcome*