TTCAL GTKNY People telling you they are pregnant.

PinkCamino

I see this often. I see questions posted on PGAL about it ALL the time. I just lived through it, and I know how much it sucks to be on the receiving end of this type of announcement.

I know that this is a little unorthodox on TTCAL but I was thinking it might be appropriate to compile some responses from us. Those of us who are still here on TTCAL. Admittedly I went to PGAL to read the responses to something like this and although generally the responses were thoughtful I'm a little shocked and hurt that some people still think it's appropriate to tell people this type of news in person. Maybe I'm totally off base, maybe I have a hard time because of what's recently happened to me.. I don't know.

What are your opinions? My plan to to eventually rename the thread and then post a link to it when I see the question come up on PGAL or TTGP or any other board.

PinkCamino

lav17 said:

Just to clarify - would you like to see opinions on how we'd prefer to find out, or actually stories of how it happened (successful or not)?

How you'd like to find out.

tlc35

I think if it were my sister I would prefer a phone call.  Anyone else, I think text/email would be best. But it is important to be mindful of the timing of the text/email.  I would not want to get either while I was at work or in public.

megrae12

I think a phone call/text/email is the best. I am at a really sensitive place about ppl and their pregnancies. I have family who are trying for their second and friends trying and all I can think is, if they get pg before me, I am going to lose it. That is terrible to think, b/c I will (eventually) be happy for them. Most of the time. 

PinkCamino

I also think it's important to consider the aftermath of an in person announcement. Most of us can handle the announcement and muster out some sort of a congratulatory statement. But, it puts us in this unique situation. 1) We're devastated for ourselves for obvious reasons but 2) on top of having to deal with another reminder that we're not pregnant we also have to deal with some fucked up emotions (guilt, humiliation) if the reaction didn't come out perfectly.

SeaParrot

I also prefer to be told by text based communication - FB message, email, text. I have gotten good at being able to hide my reaction because absolutely no one in my life gives a crap, but I would prefer to have the opportunity to mope a bit before putting on my happy face so I can congratulate and, if appropriate, celebrate with my friend.

mflowers929

For me, it really would depend on who it was. I really don't have all that many close friends, but I know that when/if my bff gets pregnant, she'll probably tell me in person, because that's how I told her and we're both okay with that.

My cousins both sent me private FB messages letting me know.

Anyone else, I'm really not sure. A text/email/private message would probably be the preferred way.

ctk181

I agree with all the PPs. I would definitely want to be told via text or email as opposed to in person or over the phone. That way I can react however I want to without any guilt or humiliation and still  have time to compose myself and send an appropriate response when I'm ready. Also, I would prefer for that text or email to be sent at a time when the sender knows I am NOT at work.  

Km380

I think text or email is best. Bc my gut instant reaction these days is not congratulatory. With a text or email I can either lie convincingly or take the time I need to respond. If I burst into tears I'd much rather do it privately than with someone telling me face to face and watching me break down

lovemybellag

For me either option is hard. Every time the phone rings and it's my DHs family I stop breathing for a sec expecting a pregnancy announcement. My SIL is pregnant and I have another one that I think is trying so it's hard for me. I don't know how I will feel when I see my new niece/nephew. When I was told my SIL was pg, my heart sunk for a minute. I am still happy for her and will love my niece/nephew but it still is tough.

forevermyfenix

I agree, please tell me in a way that allows me to react in private.

But I also want to add: if you know I found out via Facebook/someone else/whatever - when you see me acknowledge the fucking elephant in the room and say "I'm sorry for your loss." no more than that is needed. But it hurts worse when you avoid me like I'm fucking contagious. It makes it feel like everyone is talking about me behind my back and I become nothing more than the "one who lost her baby" and it seems like more of a gossip peice than you actually caring about my feelings.

[Deleted User]

My best friend told me via text before she announced it to the world. It was painful at first, but after I calmed down, I was very thankful she told me personally. It allowed me to work through it in my own way, alone and before everyone else found out. 

In contrast... I found out about several other friends via Facebook announcements, and that's painful. 

I would definitely say text/email for close friends/family. I would never want to be told in person. No one knows exactly what another person is going through at any given time and assuming they're in a position to keep their shit together in front of you is SO WRONG! 

foodie12rn

I would also prefer a text/email or call, depending on who it was. If it were my sister, I'd want to be told in person. She's been there for me through my m/c and would totally understand if I broke down and was hysterical in front of her.

MrsKush1014

Definitely a text or email.  My brother called me almost 2 months after my loss to announce that they were pregnant again.  For the most part, I was able to hold it together on the phone, but it was a super awkward conversation because I didn't know what to say (besides 'congratulations') and he just kept talking about it.  I finally made up an excuse to get off the phone and then broke down.  A text or email gives you the time to process the information without coming across as a jerk.

buggirl72

Kateisoptimistic said:

At this point I would like to receive the news via text or email or some sort, but I think most people are naive to this.  When i found out I was pg before my loss I struggled with how to tell my friend who was dealing with IF, luckily I was on the bump at the time and had asked around and was told text would be best which is what I did.  But, before being here I never would have thought about that, I kept thinking my friend would feel that a text was too impersonal.  Now I know better, but I feel like generally people don't think about this. 

I think your point about a text being impersonal is valid. I have seen so many people complain that it is completely insensitive to be notified of anything important by text that it's not surprising that so many people think in-person is more appropriate. If some one meets you one-on-one and with sympathy and compassion tells you they are pregnant, I think it is important to realize that, even though it's not your preferred way, they were really trying to respect your feelings and probably recognized the news would be hard.

For what it's worth, I would not want a text or email because odds are I would get it in a public place. Unless the person stalks you, there's a good chance you won't be sitting at home ready to be blindsided by a pg announcement coming through your phone. The way I woud prefer is someone notifying my husband so he could inform me at the right time and place.

peregrinefalconx

All of my friends are on Round 2 at this point...and most are younger by 2-8 years. So in the time I've had my losses, they've all had kid 1 and now are pregnant again. Just happened last week with one of them, over the phone, potentially in the same conversation as me telling about my last appt at the RE. I said I was happy for her (which I am) but I have no ability to fake the enthusiasm anymore. I can be pretty much straight up with my ladies and I was happy that she didn't keep it a secret to "spare my feelings" which would make me feel worse. My main pet peeve is those who post U/S pictures on FB to announce. Those people obviously have no concept of anybody's lives but their own.

MyFirstRaspberry

buggirl72 said:

At this point I would like to receive the news via text or email or some sort, but I think most people are naive to this.  When i found out I was pg before my loss I struggled with how to tell my friend who was dealing with IF, luckily I was on the bump at the time and had asked around and was told text would be best which is what I did.  But, before being here I never would have thought about that, I kept thinking my friend would feel that a text was too impersonal.  Now I know better, but I feel like generally people don't think about this. 

I think your point about a text being impersonal is valid. I have seen so many people complain that it is completely insensitive to be notified of anything important by text that it's not surprising that so many people think in-person is more appropriate. If some one meets you one-on-one and with sympathy and compassion tells you they are pregnant, I think it is important to realize that, even though it's not your preferred way, they were really trying to respect your feelings and probably recognized the news would be hard. For what it's worth, I would not want a text or email because odds are I would get it in a public place. Unless the person stalks you, there's a good chance you won't be sitting at home ready to be blindsided by a pg announcement coming through your phone. The way I woud prefer is someone notifying my husband so he could inform me at the right time and place.

I had friends use MH as the method to tell me someone was KU. After seeing the sad look on his face and realizing he was having just as hard a time as I was with the news, I felt bad that my friends couldn't come to me direclty. I felt terrible for MH who not only had to bare the news but had the burden of telling me. Since that time I have told my friends directly to send me an email. I don't want to leave MH with the burden of carrying that news.

On the other hand, I had a friend do as she was told and email me with the news. Unfortunatly, I read the email at not the best of times and it really put a damper on the mood of a mini weekend vacation MH and I were on. There is no "good" way.

MSU_Girl1202

Like PPs, I would prefer to know over text / email. Probably email more so than text because people usually expect quick responses to texts, and it takes me a little while to process / accept other's pregnancies. It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's just that I'm 'not happy' in general right now...

Rocks526

I found out that someone in my family is expecting today. My cousin who I am close to told me our other cousin is due 3 days after I should a been. Since it was not the cousin that is expecting, I was ok with her telling me over the phone because I didn't have to worry about trying to act happy.  There is a family birthday party this weekend and she found out that cousin is planning on announcing.  She wanted to make sure I wasn't blindsided if I went.  We weren't planning on going, but now I'm definitely not going.  I makes it harder that she is due 3 days after me. It would hurt too much to hear that announcement because her EDD is so close to mine.  If it was the cousin who is expecting I would rather her text me, it would be too hard to hide that I'm hurt.  Of course I am happy for the cousin, it's just upsetting that I have had two losses and fertility issues.

TheAerialist

I'm obviously in the minority, but I don't mind when people don't tell me personally at all. If it just appears on my FB, I can hide it and be pissed and be done with it, but it least it went to the wider world and I don't have any obligation to offer congrats or say anything at all. I don't want a text or an email or a phone call.

I guess that would change if it was a close friend, but I feel like since I haven't told anyone about either loss , I can't really expect them to have my feelings in mind. I just try to seem happy and usually fail. Luckily I'm not a very effusive person in general.

BethKate2

I've never gotten an announcement via text or email, but that would probably be the best.

The phone isn't terrible because at least I can get off the phone and let it sink in.

The worst announcements have been in person at work. Not only am I usually trapped in a room full of people, but I also have to go right back to teaching afterwards as if nothing happened.

eliida

I don't know how I did this, but I just somehow answered this question on PGAL. Yes, wine may have played a factor. Here's what I said there:

I'd prefer to find in a way that allows me to privately process the news and gives me the space to react how it comes. I've received a number of announcements over the last couple years and I never know how they are going to land. 

My grief does not diminish the joy I feel for others. It does, however, sometimes get in the way of me expressing that joy. I'd rather have the opportunity to respond in a way that reflects the happiness of their news, not the baseline sadness that I struggle with.

meredithcarole

I really think it depends on your relationship with the person. My best friend sent me a text and a pic of an apple seed when she was 5 weeks and I was a mess (as you all may recall). I really wish she would have told me in person because she knew I was going to be upset (she later told me she timed it so I wouldn't get the news at work), but I think I needed to actually hear it from her. I think she could have approached it in a way that would have allowed for us to lay all the cards on the table then and there. I'm sure it would have been an ugly crying fest for the two of us, but I needed to cry about it and I would have liked to have her support as opposed to me trying to put on a brave face for 2 months before I was able to tell her I was struggling followed by me having to avoid her for a month because it was causing me serious anxiety. I felt kind of abandoned; there was no one IRL left to say "it's okay to feel this way, let me give you a hug" (except DH, who is great, but that's a little different). To a degree I think she took the easy way out by distancing herself.

My situation was very different from PC's because of the history of the two people involved; it was more of an ambush when PC's SIL announced it in person. The fact of the matter is that it is really the combination of very precise circumstances that dictates what the person on the receiving end needs/wants versus what the person with the news is able to give. Maybe the reality is there is not really a "good" way to break that kind of news to someone on this side of a pregnancy. For me, just because I "needed" to hear it in person doesn't mean my best friend was able to give that much emotionally right then and regardless of how I feel now, what's done is done.

Nikolie93

If I could choose I would rather it not be done in person, depending on who it is. If it was one of my BFF's a private one on one conversation would be ok for me. Well, not ok but I am close enough to them that they would know if I broke down it's becuase of my sadness, not becuase I am not happy for them. Now if my friends invited me to a gathering where they were going to announce it to all, I would be pissed if I wasn't told first. I would feel completely blindsided.

Luckily I don't have many close friends or any family members that are trying so the majority of the annoucements I see are on FB.

Now I do have to send out a company wide email today that one of my engineers just had a baby. It's supposed to be all cheery but it's hard with my loss just being a few days ago It's a small office so of course it's all that's being talked about.

hullabalou

My sister took me out to breakfast and told me right after we ordered our food. She has always been vocal about not wanting children and was definitely not TTC. It took everything in me not to walk out of the restaurant and leave her there. I definitely would have appreciated a private conversation or a text/email much more.

Nikolie93

@hullabalou that had to have been hard. What was she even thinking?? I think it's definitely harder to hear it from people that say they don't want kids and they weren't trying

hullabalou

Nikolie93 said:

@hullabalou that had to have been hard. What was she even thinking?? I think it's definitely harder to hear it from people that say they don't want kids and they weren't trying

I know a lot of it is that she was scared of my reaction and didn't know how to handle it without me breaking down. I can't really break down crying in a restaurant, so maybe that was her logic. She also just doesn't really think about her actions a whole lot....case in point: every time I see her she complains about some aspect of pregnancy. Which is fine, nausea/heartburn/headaches suck, but know your audience.

Km380

Has anyone told people they are close with, that know your history, that text or email is preferred? I think people think that's impersonal so they think it's a bad idea

negritosmami

family or very close friend can tell me in person...and they would understand why i would be conflicted between extreme joy and agonizing pain!!anyone else...my first instinct is to say just spare me!!i dont want to know at all. But then i guessing hearing from a third party would suck as well. although third party i could probably get away with a less than confetti throwing extra enthusiastic response. I could probably say "oh well congrats to them...excuse me" ..*ugly cry in the bathroom*...sooo i think i wanna say if were are not close..dont bother telling me..ill find out eventually. i have found out about many people i know being pregnant via fbook/instagram and that was cool for me!

bunnybun4

I just think hands down...no matter who it is, I would prefer a text or email.  That way I don't have to come up with any kind of response on the fly.  I've had friends do it all over the spectrum...I still think it is completely tasteless to announce it to a group esp. when you KNOW the person has suffered a loss.  I've also had friends casually fit it into a conversation but the most comfortable way for me to find out is text by far.

PinkCamino

thanks for all your input ladies?

How many of you are "out" IRL?

meredithcarole

I "outted" myself last week. For me it was cathartic.

Km380

Our families and close friends know. Some people at work and a few neighbors know. I'm not "out" on fb though

tlc35

I am only out to family and close friends.  I changed my profile pic for oct 15th but didn't tell my story.

tigerlynx31413

I feel like I'm kind of a SS here. Everyone I am close with (friends and family) who know about our losses are done having children of their own. DH's family knows nothing, but really only his youngest sister would be likely to get pg anytime soon, and I know they are not trying because her and her Fiance are getting married in May. I may have a convo with his SIL at some point just so she knows I'd like a text ahead of time in case she was going to do a family announcement so I can process before hand. Most times I can handle FB announcements because I am not super close to any of them to know if they've struggled as we have. It gives me time to process before extending my congrats or whatnot.

CreechMommy

I would prefer to be told through text.  

I had a friend tell me in person and it did not go well (for me)  To her credit - she did wait to tell me until she couldn't wait anymore because she was starting to show.  I already guessed she was pregnant, but I wasn't sure.  I like that she waited, but it was the way it happened when she told us.  We were out to lunch after church with another friend of ours and her husband just turns to DH and I and says "___ is pregnant with our 3rd child"  In the MIDDLE OF LUNCH!!  I was so shocked - even though I kinda knew - I was just so shocked to hear the words while I was taking a bit of my quesadilla.  The whole time I kept thinking "can she see my chin quivering and tell I'm holding back tears?"  I was so worried about upsetting her with my reaction that I was just overwhelmed.  I burst into tears once we got to our car.  

I would definitely never want to find out with an ultrasound picture - just a simple text giving the news and giving me a heads up before I see things on facebook.

CreechMommy

Also, timing is so important.  If you know a friend had a m/c - know her "sensitive dates" (Mother's Day, loss date, EDD, and holidays) Announce on any other day of the year and I think you're in the clear.  

Also if announcing to someone you know has a miscarriage maybe send a text saying something like "I have some exciting news I want to share with you.  I know this is a sensitive topic for you which is why I'm sharing through text and not in person.  We're expecting." 

Something to that effect because it lets the person know you are being considerate of their feelings that you remember what they have been through.  I think that would be the way I would want to find out.  

forevermyfenix

Another Special ❄ here on the terms of being "out" or not. Definitely Out because we'll 1. I was huge and 36 weeks when it happened and 2. It was my first pregnancy and I was the naive 'OMG GUYS LOOKY" person in terms of Facebook and friends when I found out I was pregnant.  I hate to think I might have hurt someone with my oblivious posts...

negritosmami

im out to close friends and family..and i will tell people on a case by case basis as i see fit. I never got a chance to come out on social media. But its funny how going thru things gives you so much more perspective. If i am ever able to get pregnant again, i will be much more selective in how i come out on facebook and keep in mind how my post may affect them..similiar to  what @forevermyfenix said about not wanting to hurt someone else!!

CreechMommy

I am "out" IRL.  I naively announced on FB when we were 7 weeks along.  So everyone knew and we put an announcement on FB when we had our m/c.  We did that so we wouldn't have to deal with people asking us how the baby was doing months down the road.  It was hard, but I prob would have still come "out" either way. Hopefully since people do know our situation, it will cut down on insensitive pg announcements.

PinkCamino

CreechMommy said:

Also, timing is so important.  If you know a friend had a m/c - know her "sensitive dates" (Mother's Day, loss date, EDD, and holidays) Announce on any other day of the year and I think you're in the clear.  

Also if announcing to someone you know has a miscarriage maybe send a text saying something like "I have some exciting news I want to share with you.  I know this is a sensitive topic for you which is why I'm sharing through text and not in person.  We're expecting." 

Something to that effect because it lets the person know you are being considerate of their feelings that you remember what they have been through.  I think that would be the way I would want to find out.  

That's really not the case for me. I really don't feel that there will ever be a day that I am in the clear.