NCDR How to handle "gift" overload?!

Sgriff1

Help! My MIL is taking over my home!

After we ended up taking truck loads to the Thriftstore when we first bought this house, we set a ground rule that she was not allowed to bring over anything. This ended up hurting my MILs feelings and she felt she wasn't "welcome" and stopped visiting all together.

She is now our caregiver for DD and watches her in our home during the week. She spends all her weekends Thriftstore shopping and every Monday I come home to things put away in my home...bedding, nightstands, lamps, used candles, dishes, rugs, towels, clothes and now since we have LO...BABY things!!!

I don't want to be ungrateful or hurt her feelings..but I have baby clothes and toys coming out the wazoo now and she's only been watching her for 4 months!

We've told her many times NOT to bring things, yet it still appears. DH has literally taken things she's brought and put it outside on the porch to get through to her, but she still doesn't get it. She justifies everything by saying "it was free!!!" Or "it was only $2!!!".

We literally have 50+ 6M onesies, drawers full of pants, sleepers etc...way more than she could ever wear, let alone fit in her room. The TOYS are EVERYWHERE! Rooms full of toys already. I feel ridiculous not allowing her to bring toys over, but there has got to be a limit to how many toys an 8month old needs?! And it's not like she is giving us "gifts", these clothes and items just appear in our drawers/closets, cabinets etc....

I'm considering boxing up clothes and other things that aren't our style or are too worn. I haven't decided what to do after I've put them away (give back or donate myself?) but I feel like I need to get it OUT of my home. Has anyone had to deal with this? What can I do to get her to stop without completely stomping on her feelings?

Into+the+Kitty

Stop using her as a babysitter and allowing her in your home when you aren't there.

Sgriff1

I wish. She retired early and we agreed she would be our caregiver and we would supplement her retirement income in return. I also can't afford to stay at home. Also, she lives with her father, 40 minutes away from our jobs...so having her watch LO at her house isn't really possible either.

Sgriff1

Ok started going through some of the clothes...out of control! These are ALL under 12 months!

freezorburn

Oh my

kjsmith9

Yikes

CLLDLL

Holy Moly that's like boarderline hoarder territory.

I think it might be time for a serious conversation between the three of you. Explain to her how grateful you are to her for watching LO and for thinking of you when she gets things, but that you can't continue like this. Its taking over your house. You could even play the "we're concerned LO will grow up spoiled if she always has so many thing" card. Maybe set a limit. Like you only want enough 9 months clothes to fill one tub. If she buys more than that you will donate it. That might help her to be more selective when she buys things instead of just getting everything that's cheap.

nauticalmama

Chickypoo2468 said:

Have all your mom friends over and just start handing stuff out. I would totally be there.

This.

Kelly11235

Donate them to a battered women's shelter? Or somewhere.

countrycotton

I think you should give her an idea of how much she is really bring in and really spending. Ask her what she would do if you handed her 100 dollars, free money. ThenI would pull out the 50 6month onesies. Tell her that the baby will likely ware each only once, if she were to ware them aesch before out growing them. At only two dollars a piece that is a hundred dollars. This may help her understand that one or two dollars here and there add up quickly. Then offer to let her know when baby sizes up, and set a limit. Say if you could fine 10 onesies that are special, that way she gets to shop LO can actually use the items. Plus she can go get her hair done.

Sgriff1

I posted this picture on FB and she commented "and I have another huge bag to add! Cheap cheap cheap!!!" @-)

TJ1979

I agree with @CLLDLL‌. Your mil has a problem. She needs help. Seriously.

Rrrrrachel

Get rid of the stuff in whatever way is easiest for you.

freezorburn

Great advice above re setting limits and showing her how much it is all adding up.

If her retirement income is not so good that the money you are paying her actually makes a difference in her quality of life/ability of make ends meet, then maybe she needs some financial counseling. Especially if you are able to quantify how much she is spending, that is far and above what DD needs or even can use. 

Maybe there is some way you can encourage her to channel her good intentions into savings, both for herself and DD. Is she prepared for the day when her health is such that she isn't able to take on a casual job here or there to supplement her retirement income? Will she have enough then? A lot of people aren't prepared. And honestly it is a great gift to their adult children if they are, because it provides a great deal of peace of mind, and doesn't throw a wrench into their financial planning. 

Does DD have a piggy bank? Maybe when MIL gets the urge to buy something for DD, instead she puts that money in a piggy bank for LO, and once a month it gets deposited into an interest-bearing account or a 529. Even a little bit saved today will go a long way in the future towards the rising cost of education. 

Baby-Boo

My mom does the same thing. Honestly, you have to keep saying it. I finally told her, "Stop bringing stuff over because I am going to trash it/donate and not even look at it. So stop." It has stopped almost completely

LunaBug924

I would have had the same problem with my MIL if I didn't start setting boundaries early on. I had to lay a lot of early ground work so as not to have a house full of yard sale crap even before we had a baby. It hasn't been easy, but luckily it hasn't tarnished our relationship, and now she at least calls me and asks about items before she buys them (most of the time, now and then something slips through).

If this conversation has caused friction between you two before, would it be better for your DH to talk with her? That's pretty much the arrangement we have; we're each responsible for talking to our own parents about these issues.

bumpuser5078523

I had to tell my mom we have one dresser in the boys room and they only have one drawer each. I only keep what fits in the dresser. Our house is too small. I have no problem donating stuff to the church down the street because I have asked her multiple times and she ddoesn't listen.

abby8279

I think you need to be honest and direct.  If you beat around the bush she may not get the hint.  Then you may get frustrated and have enough and let it out and hurt her feelings.  A calm conversation may be uncomfortable but it's better than losing your shit in the end.

zaidat

I would be afraid of her bringing bedbugs into your house with all that thrift store shopping.

Sgriff1

Bedbugs aren't huge here...so that wasn't really a concern.

RockiesNugget

My MIL isn't as bad as yours, but every time they saw LO she had picked up a "new" toy for him. We had the conversation that she didn't need to bring him something every time she saw him (she and FIL watch him 2-3/month) and if she did buy him something she couldn't give it to him while I was not home. We had the right to put the toy away in the closet until a later date. Then I packed a box of the toys and sent her home with them because they were duplicates of what he already had or toys she got at a thrift store without all the pieces and told her that he would need toys to play with at her house. This has helped us out so far.

tjkdlhb

I finally made a rule that anything bought between holidays stays at MILs.  One item of clothing and one toy per holiday.  My own parents had to be informed that thanksgiving/st paddy's/labourday/Canada Day etc do NOT count as gift giving holidays (seriously.)  If it comes down to playing with my kids or picking up junk off the floor/sorting/hauling unneeded items to goodwill, I'm gonna want to play with my kids everytime.  Word it as to what is best for your kids. That you want to spend time with them rather than cleaning.   You don't want them to be spoiled/to see everything as dispossble and to not value what they have.  You want their world to be cleaner and that means less in landfill/less packaging, less oil to transport items.

I've had all of these discussions repeatedly since DD has been born.  Finally a melodramatic meltdown seems to have (at least temporarily) worked.  Hopefully it won't get to that for you.

Sgriff1

Great advice from everyone. I packed up what I don't want and plan on saying something again on Monday. We will see how it goes this time.

littleredfish

Your MIL definitely has a problem. My grandmother has a similar one. She has a spare room full of shopping bags from the dollar store and thrift stores, some good stuff, some junk, too many multiples to even process and a lot of it not opened or touched. She saves it for "gifts" for special occasions or just anytime she sees us. Very much like hoarding. You need to sit down and talk it out because otherwise it will wear on your relationship until you blow and say something you'll probably regret. Limits are important, especially if she is at your house almost every day.

tjkdlhb

Chickypoo2468 said:

@tjkdlhb‌ how did you make this rule?! I'm trying to talk D into instating a THREE toy rule. Then all the clothes and books that they want. Which IMO is way more than enough. But he won't say anything!!!! I'm so tired of having I move seats and rearrange my VAN just to fit all FIL and SMILs gifts.

I had a total meltdown and yelled at her.  Not my finest moment.  DH was mad at me over it.  But we went to visit for a weekend and they gave her more than we did at Christmas.  I told her none of it was coming into my house and when we left, we didn't take any with us.  I think if she brings it here, we will accidentally leave it back at her place the next time we go.  We just can't keep doing this.  I had been talking sensibly about it for two full years.  Then I lost my shit.  I felt like she was trying to trick me into taking things, even though she knew it wasn't what I wanted. Like I said in another post... my daughter is 2 years old and she was buying her 0-6 month items because they were on sale. "But you have a big house, so you've got room for it" is the argument. So outright refusal to bring things home.  I was a bitch... not sure I'm recommending that route... but the madness has to stop somehow. 

We literally (and I know this gets overused) but seriously, we literally have more babybooks than the public library where we live.  I should have taken a picture of the time we took all the clothes out (sorted intentionally when MIL was there, so that she could see how much DD has).  We have a pretty big living room and the clothes was piled the whole length of the room (sizes 0-3 month to size 2). 

Sgriff1

@tjkdlhb‌

The baby books! There are so many baby books!!!!!

Amores0121

zaidat said:

I would be afraid of her bringing bedbugs into your house with all that thrift store shopping.

You're more likely to get bedbugs from furniture than clothing. I will admit, I am freakishly paranoid of bed bugs and I swap clothes on the garage sale boards all the time.  I have a fear of buying used furniture, though.

Amores0121

Mapleme said:

I would be afraid of her bringing bedbugs into your house with all that thrift store shopping.

So are you saying that the people who depend on thrift stores are automatically going to get bedbugs?

You are more likely to get bedbugs buying used than new. Especially if you live in a part of the country that has big bedbug problems. Although I think hotels are the biggest spreaders of bedbugs.

Did you guys know there's a bed bug registry now so you can check if the hotel you're going to has had a problem reported? I told you I'm paranoid. LOL