Long Intro & question for those with older kids *potential trigger warning?*

bumpuser10054788

Hello all,

This is my first post on this board but I am in need of some reassurance. Hopefully this is coherent. First a sort of intro:

My LO just turned 6 months old, and if I'm willing to admit it to myself, I've been struggling for a long time. It probably really started before I even gave birth, with a constant fear that something was going to go wrong with the baby, fears I'd have a miscarriage, fears I'd need a C-section, fears I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, etc. I convinced myself that once LO was born and I was able to see she was a happy healthy baby, I'd feel better, so I fought through it.

Fast-forward to her birth, and two of my fears turned out to be reality - I needed an emergency C-section, and after 6 weeks of horrible struggles due to low supply and failure to latch, I had to give up on a breastfeeding. I struggled for a long time with both of these things -- feeling like I was "forced" into a C-section when maybe I could have had a normal birth, and feeling like a total failure that I couldn't provide for her through breastfeeding. I think I've finally reconciled myself to these two situations at least somewhat -- she is thriving on formula and I know I wouldn't have wanted to risk losing her just to have the birth I wanted.

However, the overall feelings of stress, anxiety, feeling like a failure, etc. have never truly gone away. I'm a FTM (and SAHM) and you hear so much advice about everything you should be doing/not doing/etc., so much of it conflicting, that I stress constantly over if I'm doing the right things. Adding to the anxiety, is that DH and I are also pretty well-educated and have/had really good jobs, so everyone has been setting such high expectations for our LO (relatives, friends, even my DH). They seem to think she is going to be a genius or something. I don't think they realize how much pressure I feel on myself when they act like that -- that if she doesn't live up to their high expectations, it will be my fault that I failed at raising her.  I'm constantly second-guessing myself.

I'm also going on 9 months of sleep deprivation (when you count 3rd Trimester issues) which I'm sure doesn't help things. I snap at DH more than I should, and get frustrated with LO more than I should (though I try my best not to show that frustration to her). Sometimes I'm just so tired I feel like I can't interact with LO the way I should. And when anything goes wrong, I know I get way more upset about it than I should (whether it be spitting up after a bottle or waking up early from a nap).

*POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING*

I think I've resisted getting help for this long because, my mom had depression when I was little (although much older than LO). She had to be hospitalized twice and although I hate to admit it I feel like I've always somewhat resented her for it. (I do know it wasn't her fault, but there are still painful memories of pretending not to be hungry and offering her my food just in hopes she would eat something.) I know the fact she had depression means I am at higher risk, but I don't want to admit I could be following in her footsteps. And also, I dread that I could have passed down the propensity for this to LO. I have visions of her being a depressed, suicidal teenager, all because of me.

*END OF TRIGGER WARNING*

This morning I was reading about PPD and ended up in a section about the effects it could have on your child, and it filled me with renewed fear. It talked of autism, ADHD, behavioral issues, social issues, insecurity, depression and more. It made me feel like I could have already irreparably damaged my child. And then I started reading into things -- she doesn't look at me as much as she should, she doesn't look at me when she talks, she isn't a cuddler, she is (generally) content playing by herself on her playmat. Despite my feelings, I've always tried to meet her needs as best as I could (although there have been a few times where I was teetering on the edge and may have left her a safe spot to cry for a little bit until I could calm down). And yet, I know there have been plenty of times she's seen tears in my eyes, and I know how good babies are at picking up on feelings, even if they aren't blatantly visible. And every time I have a few good days and think I'm finally getting past this, something will happen to set me off again.

Now the question: I guess what I'm looking for is a little hope. For those of you who struggled with PPD with a first a child, who is now older, I think it would help me a lot to hear that they are normal, well-adjusted, happy kids. That my resistance so far to get help doesn't mean I've already scarred her for life.

In the meantime, we have LO's 6 month pedi appointment tomorrow, and I hope to bring up my feelings to them.

deanna1313

I don't have an older child, but my son is 4 mths. I have struggles since week one PP. I am doing pretty well now.

I read a lot about how it can effect your child, I really don't think mine has, but it has to do with severity of your symptoms. Done children are lacking interaction due to depressed mothers. I've had a rough time, but my son is not lacking interaction at all.

Have you looked into a psychologist or a support group? Glad to hear you plan to speak to your dr. It's sound like anxiety is an issue for you, too.

74dragonfly

Big hug. Please talk your Dr. I also suggest seeing a counselor. It has really helped me. 

3JTMom

Hi friend,

I struggled with PPD with all three of my children, now 21, 20 and 17. They even remember the oldest saying, "Mommy, why are you crying?" I remember just saying "Mommy is sad, but I love you so much." My three boys are the happiest well adjusted amazing men I know. I know it seems overwhelming now. Can you seek counseling? Can you find a group of friends who are in the midst of your stage of life and can walk this journey with you? Remember to take a deep breath and relax. Hugs friend!

tbmadeamistake

I have worse PPD this time around, but my two and a half year old is a happy girl when she's not busy being a sassy two year old. This time, I have a four month old, has been way worse and I am both on meds and seeing a therapist. My older one will notice when I am down and does comment on it. I tell her I love her ad much as possible and my therapist says that's great. Please seek help, as even just talking to someone, admitting these feelings out loud, can be a huge help. Pm me of you want to talk.

kimberlybethh

I had terrible PPD with my dd who is now two. I really struggled for the first 10 months of her life. It was bad enough that I did not want to have any more children at the time. After trying three different medications, I finally found one that worked for me. DD is a happy and very well-adjusted. I don't think my PPD had any long-term adverse effects on her. We have a great relationship and she is the love of my life.

It made such a huge difference for me when I admitted that what I was experiencing was more than I could handle alone. I reached out to my doctor and started taking medication. It took three different medications along with trying several different doses before I found one that worked for me.

I now have a two-month old ds and have not experienced the same issues I had with dd. I think it was partly due to being proactive with starting my medication again at 37 weeks, having my placenta encapusalized and also having less anxiety from being a second time mom. Hang in there-it does get better!!

MomtoH

I had absolutely horrific PPA.  At its worst, I literally couldn't hold my son.  My husband had to take a week off work until my meds kicked in and I could take care of myself and my son again.  I wasn't suicidal at all, but my medicine saved my life in a sense that before I was miserable and was not enjoying my life or my son.  I didn't get help until my son was 15 months old, so it was a long process. 

I am happy to say, he is a very smart and well adjusted 5 year old.  He is excelling in school and his behavior is great.  He has no issues from me having PPA or him living with me while at my worst.  I also have a 2.5yr old and went off my meds at 28 weeks pregnant and went back on the day she was born.  It definitely made the experience totally different. 

Hang in there!! You haven't hurt your baby and you will start feeling better soon!

JSNoto

I hit all my marks according to my hypothetical timeline such as marriage, first birth, six-figure check, the car, house, clothes, body, and so many more.  The best thing that happened was quitting the workforce.  #2 came well out of sequence, honestly I never really imagined myself with one little one much-less two!  Like you, 6-9 months after her arrival I was in such a bad way that I don't know if they could tell whether it was PPD or simply exhaustion (simply, right?).  We had a serious discussion about the whole thing and determined taking a break was essential, you can always go back to work.  No one will ever understand what happens behind your front door except you.  Ignore the expectations and assumptions because there will be nothing to expect if you can't straighten yourself up to refocus. Good luck.