Gender disappointment

ErikaLovesChrisG

Had an ultrasound as part of the Harmony test today & although the tech said she wasn't completely sure, she said she thought it was a girl.  I know I should be happy to be having a healthy baby.  But I'm so bitterly disappointed.  I sobbed.  I know there are a million wonderful things about having a girl & I love my friends' girls, I just REALLY & TRULY never ever wanted one myself.  I love being the mom of boys (I have 2), and now...I'm miserable.  Miserable to the point where I just don't even want it now.  (Not that I won't have it, of course not.)  I know I sound like a horrible, ungrateful, terrible human being.  I know that.  Please believe I'm not.  Has anyone else gone through massive gender disappointment?  How did you deal & get to the point to where you were more than just accepting but actually happy about it? Because, I WANT to be happy about a girl, but if I am honest with myself, I'm not right now.  But I want to be.  Advice?

ErikaLovesChrisG

Quite helpful.  Thanks.

ErikaLovesChrisG

Fine.  Forget it.  Forget thinking there was somewhere I could be honest and not have it thrown in my face. Anyone who reads it, just forget it.  Okay? 

agm04

I think you just have to give yourself time.  Start talking about fun things about girls with your family, think about what great big brothers your boys will be to a little sister.

Beevol

I would have been disappointed if this LO was a boy because I'm not sure I want more than two and I really wanted DD to have a sister. So, I'm feeling the preference thing - though, if the ultrasound was wrong or if this kid comes out and says "Mommy, I'm a boy" then, eh? I'll be sad for a minute and then be the best mom I can be for a boy. Kids are basically the same for the vast majority of the time that they live in your house, and studies have shown repeatedly that daughters take better care of their elderly parents, so you know, you have that going for you now. :P

It's totally normal to have a preference and to be a little disappointed with not getting "what you wanted," but the fact that you are so upset that you contemplated terminating a wanted, planned, healthy fetus due to gender says that maybe you've got some other 'stuff' going on. The fact that you're this upset seems to be distressing you (hence your post), so, if it's feasible, I cannot seriously recommend talking to a therapist enough. Just be careful and make sure you choose a good one who specializes in women's issues. 

Sahara6971

I totally want a girl. Maybe if I have another boy we can trade

But seriously, this is one of the main reasons why I didn't want to find out the sex until the baby is born. I will be ecstatic when I meet my newborn no matter if it's a boy or a girl. I have two boys and would love to give them a little sister.

Either way, I will be happy.

MommyOfAMiracle

ErikaLovesChrisG said:

Fine.  Forget it.  Forget thinking there was somewhere I could be honest and not have it thrown in my face. Anyone who reads it, just forget it.  Okay? 

You can't come onto a website/ forum like this and expect people to feel for you. You had some  choice words that might strike a cord with some people.  You can be honest, but don't get mad if people don't side with you. You opened that can of worms when you posted here.

As for how disappointed you are, I think it's a bit abnormal to be THAT upset regarding the sex of your child. Which, isn't even 100% confirmed. You might want to re-evaluate your situation and possibly look into counseling. I don't think this magnitude of disappointment is normal.

allrightmeow

ErikaLovesChrisG said:

Quite helpful.  Thanks.

I mean......what did you want to hear?  The recommendation for a good sex change clinic?  You literally have to suck it the fuck up.  I understand a little disappointment but this is just beyond.  

minirella

Long ago, I never could really see myself being the mom of a little girl but I have a 4 year old daughter. I'm a little rough and insensitive as is my husband. My daughter is total girly-girl and she is oh so sensitive. She makes us better people and I couldn't even imagine my life without her.

We didn't have gender disappointment, it took us awhile to get pregnant so we just wanted a healthy baby. Unless you are being overly dramatic, I agree with the other women and would suggest you seek counseling or look into another option such as adoption. I feel sad for that baby. I, also, wonder what your significant other/husband thinks of the situation.

 

DeerNHeadlights

FFS people it's sex not gender!

KMommytobe

All I've ever wanted was a daughter... We are pregnant with boy #3. I've definitely gone through some sort of "gender disappointment" but you do get over it. You are lucky to experience having a boy(s) and a girl. I'm sure you will come to terms with it. GL!

alexandrac86

Sobbed? Really? She's healthy and that's all that should matter. Think of the people who have had problems conceiving and those who cannot conceive at all, and you're "bitterly disappointed"? WTF? Yeah, I wanted a boy, but guess what?I'm going to love the shit out of this baby girl and I am more happy that shes healthy than the fact that she doesn't have a penis. You didn't want a girl, then you should of adopted! Get over it! 

Irishcurls

I had a visceral reaction to you saying you didn't want the baby anymore. Even though you couched it so lovingly the way you did. Yuck. 

AF9211

Bliss+Berry said:

Why the fuck would you get pregnant knowing there was a 50% chance you'd end up with something you don't want?  I think you need serious help.

This. 100,000% this. I hope when that perfect little baby girl arrives and you fall madly in love with her, you'll remember this post and feel like a complete POS.

mbedroya

Perhaps if you knew what it was like to discover that your child has a horrible disease that will most likely cause them to lose their life or be severely disabled, you would value having a healthy baby girl. Maybe hang out on some other boards and see what that feels like. Maybe then you will realize how absolutely ridiculous and ungrateful your feelings are. This completely sickens me. 

mbedroya

https://elisevivienne.blogspot.com/2013/08/brain-surgery-check.html

Just to give you a little perspective... here is how our 19 week ultrasound went with our baby girl last year. If you read through the blog, you'll discover that she passed away at two months old. I cannot even comprehend that there are people who feel the way that you are feeling regarding a HEALTHY child. Hopefully you'll never know the pain I know. 

Curbs12

Maybe you can print off what you wrote and give it to your daughter when she is older. A cute little graduation gift or something!!!

Sahara6971

mbedroya said:

https://elisevivienne.blogspot.com/2013/08/brain-surgery-check.html

Just to give you a little perspective... here is how our 19 week ultrasound went with our baby girl last year. If you read through the blog, you'll discover that she passed away at two months old. I cannot even comprehend that there are people who feel the way that you are feeling regarding a HEALTHY child. Hopefully you'll never know the pain I know. 

I can't even imagine. I am so sorry.

PrimRoseMama

Nope. Just nope. /:)

shellybean3788

Whoa, okay I posted a thread with the exact same name a long time ago, and I thought it had come back up. Whoops! Edited to remove comment which was meant for that totally different thread.

Now, about THIS thread: Look. Gender disappointment is one of those things that exist, although we'd like it not to. When I found out we were having a girl, my fiance was terribly disappointed. I could tell. But he got over it, and now he's excited. I don't think you'll look your daughter in the face when she's born and feel the way you do now. 

Give yourself time, you'll come around. 

ErikaLovesChrisG

Yeah, you're all right.  I'm complete scum.  Thanks for pointing that out.  Best of luck always being perfect in your lives.

shellybean3788

ErikaLovesChrisG said:

Yeah, you're all right.  I'm complete scum.  Thanks for pointing that out.  Best of luck always being perfect in your lives.

If you could read between the lines, you would see a lot of people who've experienced hurt, or known someone who has experienced hurt/loss when it comes to trying to conceive, miscarriage, or even infant mortality.

I myself have had several miscarriages and struggled for years to get where I am today, and I'm still not out of the woods. Two days ago, my cousin's baby died at the age of 1 day because of an overdose of morphine (mother was allergic, apparently so was baby) and so our family is dealing with that. 

It would be difficult for a person to experience loss and still feel any amount of sympathy for your plight. The only thing most women on here feel is sympathy for your daughter. They aren't saying that they are perfect; they are saying that you should stop mourning your healthy baby and be grateful you have one. 

And like I said before, I have a hard time believing that you could look your daughter in the face when she's born and feel the way you do now. Can you even imagine it? I really don't think you can. You will come around.

DeerNHeadlights

MrsMuq said:

DeerNHeadlights said:

FFS people it's sex not gender!

There's a helluva lot more wrong about this post other than the sex/gender confusion.


You don't say.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

janda426

ErikaLovesChrisG said:

Yeah, you're all right.  I'm complete scum.  Thanks for pointing that out.  Best of luck always being perfect in your lives.

For fucks sake are you really throwing a pity party for yourself right now? WTF did you honestly wanna hear? Sorry no one else had as shitty of a reaction as you to finding out they were having a beautiful baby girl. Also ditto to why the fuck are you having kids when there is a HUGE chance that you would've gotten the sex you don't want?

God damn I can't even

AF9211

@janda426 I wish you hung out on the F15 BMB so I could drool over your siggy all day  :-* 

janda426

AF9211 said:

@janda426 I wish you hung out on the F15 BMB so I could drool over your siggy all day  :-* 

Lol if I was due 5 days earlier you'd see him more

jennypolkadots

If this is not a normal reaction for you, you should seek counseling. Mild disappointment like "oh darn!" is common, but what you are describing about bursting into tears is not. Every child deserves to be celebrated. What is between their legs is such a small part of who they are as individuals.

Take some time to examine your gender bias. Your relationship with women in your life. Your view of women vs. men. The examples of little girls around you. I know at one time we said we would prefer a boy if we could choose for our first but it wasn't based in reality - mostly just based on the fact our niece is pretty difficult while our nephews are great lol Now I am pregnant with a healthy baby and we have no interest in finding out the sex. I can't wait until the birth day to meet a boy or girl, but more importantly a sweet new soul to join our family. 

If you and your husband just really don't want a girl, skip over to the adoption board and I'm sure you can find a hundred mothers who would gladly take her off your hands

aksue22

I dealt with years of infertility and finally was successful through IVF.  H and I are both so ecstatic to have a healthy, thriving baby due in December.  We found out via Harmony test that we're having a girl.  Both of us were just so happy to discover that the other Harmony results were fine, the sex of our baby was not an issue EVER.  I can't imagine sobbing over such a thing.

We visited adoption agencies when trying to figure out what route we were going to take (IVF vs. adoption).  I was even weirded out by people who had sex preference in adoption.  It seemed like such a superfluous, almost frivolous concern when all we wanted was a baby.  Period.

laurajayne11

1

ashiscute

ErikaLovesChrisG said:

Yeah, you're all right.  I'm complete scum.  Thanks for pointing that out.  Best of luck always being perfect in your lives.

No one is calling you scum or saying anyone is perfect.  I think gender disappointment is definitely normal.  But I do not think what you are describing is gender disappointment.  It is excessive and worrying.  Please consider counseling so that you aren't carrying these feelings still when your LO is born.  

kellyfo14

You literally said in your OP that you sound terrible and ungrateful and then you don't understand why people here call you those things...we're just supposed to take your word for it that you are not? I am looking at my 4 year old daughter right now. Can't imagine life without her.

BeachBum678

I'll admit to being a smidge disappointed when I found out I was having a girl. Not nearly as extreme as OP, more in a "Oh darn, I kinda wanted a boy" way. I got over it fast. Like, maybe a day or so. Today my daughter is 13 months old and truly the most amazing, adorable little person I know. I can't imagine what life would be like without her. And I feel like a total asshole for being even BRIEFLY, FLEETINGLY upset that she wasn't a boy.

But to be "bitterly disappointed"? "Sobbing"? Not wanting to keep the pregnancy because your baby won't pee the way you wanted her to? Honestly, it's hard to feel sorry for you when there are so many women who'd kill for just one healthy pregnancy. Ditto PP's suggestion of counseling, both for your sake and your daughter's.

ETA: spelling

JRod13

Wow- that's a special breed of asshole right there.

Empireceo

kyliedaniellexx said:

Why do I feel like OP is one of those moms that's going to throw this in her that girl's face in 15 years? "Well I never wanted you, I wanted another boy anyways" 

Oh, have you been hanging out with my mother? OP, take it from someone whose mother made no secret of the fact that she never wanted a daughter, its really fucking shitty. Get some therapy before she gets here, for real.

PrimRoseMama

Man OP when you hold your sweet girl in your arms this post will make you feel like shit. Really, get some help dude.

reneamac313

Originally you asked for advice when it came to gender disappointment and what I can say, and the point that others are making, is that you need to take a step back and reassess the situation. You are carrying a healthy baby and that is the most important thing. It may take a bit, and may possibly won't be until the birth, but once you see your baby girl hopefully feelings will shift for you. I do have some friends who also had major gender disappointment so I know that it does affect people differently and it can be hard to sort out those feelings. Just take a step back and know that no matter what that baby is a blessing and when it comes down to it you need to love it no matter what sex it is.

reneamac313

@ErikaLovesChrisG‌ I also wonder, is your preference for boys because you are more comfortable with them since you already have 2? That may have some to do with it as well. Remember you are a woman and can relate to a daughter as well on a different level. Just because it's not what you are used to doesn't mean that you can't handle it. I think talking to someone who can remain impartial would be a big help to you right now and would help you sort out your feelings.