Money fights

Npetrous

First time posting here, looking for some advice! My husband is a great guy and is super excited about our baby (due end of November). However, he is so impulsive with money, and always has something in mind to buy. At this point it's a boat. A small row boat, but still around $1500. My opinion is that babies are expensive, and since this Is our first one, so many things about our financial future are unpredictable, such as how much will we end up having to purchase off the registry after the shower, how much will daycare be, in addition to home costs, etc.
He thinks I am being controlling, and that he should have a present for himself before baby is here.
Am I being too controlling? I've spoken to a friend and my sister , both of whom think he is nuts and I am not being a jerk.
This issue has caused many fights already, and he continues to bring it up daily, I think he thinks he can just wear me down till I give in, but I'm pretty stubborn as well!

tugglek23

I'd definitely recommend putting together a budget spreadsheet (if you don't already have one) and showing him how much that would impact your finances. I do this to my husband sometimes when he gets frivolous.

missnacholover

Nope, you aren't being controlling.  $1500 is a lot of money to most people!

I think that a conversation with your husband is in order.  You have to be on the same page as far as finances.  DH and I have a shared account and always run purchases by eachother.  (Granted, not things like a $2 coffee or lunch with coworkers, more things that will significantly have an effect on our budget.)

Does he have a need for a boat right now?  Does he use boats frequently that it would justify him buying his own?

turtles7

Nope you are not be controlling. I'm going through the same thing. DH races motorcycles. While he is cautious on how much he spends he still spends a lot of money on his gear. You are right, you don't know how much your expenses are until baby comes. There is nothing wrong with being cautious.

ssstephanie214

I can see why he feels he needs a present for himself before the baby. You'll get your revenge when you see how much the boat goes unused while you have a newborn. Try not to resent him for it for too long. He knows how you feel about it already.

PandaCon

I don't think you are being controlling but I do think that your DH is thinking that once this baby comes I'll never have money again!!!!!

My DH has been doing that with hanging out with guys after work. I think he feels like when this baby comes, he will never get to leave again. (Although this is baby number two so he;s probably right!)

kstirton

There have been a couple things we've decided to purchase pre-baby or things we need to get done/buy b/c there won't be much money to spare afterward. Otherwise, we are saving our asses off to cover maternity leave so I can take the full 12 weeks and we've done that math together so he knows first hand what it would do if one of us went out and made a $1500 purchase. If he feels very strongly about it, you may just have to bite your tongue and let him get the boat. Like other's mentioned - after the baby you won't be making big purchases like that for a while.

Love4Science

Not controlling.  That's kind of a dumb purchase for this time of year and at this point in your pregnancy.  Can't he wait until next spring to purchase?  That way you can take care of your registry needs, save over the winter, and then if you have the money, by all means get the rowboat. 

But no, not controlling.  Put your foot down on this one.  But do have an honest conversation and make a budget!!

Oh, and you never know when you're going to need that $1500 for an emergency.  We thought we had the house all set, then got yet another bat in the house last night (we thought the first was a fluke).  So now we need to have a specialist come in and check/seal the house.  Bye bye $1500+.

rox825

I think that whether it's an argument worth pursuing depends on your finances and how much $1500 will impact your bottom line.  My H is set on buying a new road bike pre-baby.  It's expensive but he got a decent raise this year, he doesn't spend a lot on himself, and it will be a healthy hobby (hopefully) for him to take up.  I think that we kind of have to choose our battles, but like a PP said you should both be on the same page about finances.  My suggestion would be to just go over your budget together, your savings, and talk realistically about how much he/your family will use the boat- maybe you'd enjoy it too.  I do agree that being cautious with a baby on the way is a good idea, so if you don't have much in savings, then I might push the issue!  Good luck.

MrsDL

I handle the finances and I'm a complete budget-hawk, but I will say DH is also very responsible with finances.  Look - babies are expensive, owning a home is expensive (or saving for one), everything adds-up.  It doesn't matter how much money you earn, expenditures need to be prioritized.  Do you have a cushy e-fund you are comfortable with?  Daycare can be a real killer depending on where you live.  You are not being unreasonable or controlling at all.

 Frankly it sounds like your H is behaving like an immature, irresponsible, entitled man-child.  Really - why does he think he deserves an expensive, shiny new toy as a treat before the baby comes?  Did he have a big accomplishment like a promotion, large bonus, finishing a grad degree or something?  He's not going to be out using this all the time with a new infant to help take care-of.  How would he react if you told him you wanted to burn $1500 on a nice new handbag as a gift to yourself for "pushing?"  He'd probably disagree with you.

Sit him down nicely with a spreadsheet (I love quicken) and show him some budgeting.  Do you guys want to save for college?  If you have $1500 laying around, starting a 529b is a better use of money.  When you have a child, it's not about you anymore.  Even the large ticket items we buy aren't for us individually anymore, they are for DS or the house - things we need or want that we can use as a family, get a lot of use out of, and enjoy together - even putting that money aside for a vacation down the road is more "fair" in terms o family finances than a row-boat for just your H to use on occasion.

absolutelymaybe

Npetrous said:

First time posting here, looking for some advice! My husband is a great guy and is super excited about our baby (due end of November). However, he is so impulsive with money, and always has something in mind to buy. At this point it's a boat. A small row boat, but still around $1500. My opinion is that babies are expensive, and since this Is our first one, so many things about our financial future are unpredictable, such as how much will we end up having to purchase off the registry after the shower, how much will daycare be, in addition to home costs, etc. He thinks I am being controlling, and that he should have a present for himself before baby is here. Am I being too controlling? I've spoken to a friend and my sister , both of whom think he is nuts and I am not being a jerk. This issue has caused many fights already, and he continues to bring it up daily, I think he thinks he can just wear me down till I give in, but I'm pretty stubborn as well!

I think it's time you sat down to discuss your financial situation. Actually go over budgets and expected costs. Crunch the actual numbers. I know there are a lot of "what if's" and unexpected things that can come up, but you can get a good cost estimate of most things.

If you have sufficient money, it might be a nice idea to let him buy the boat if he truly sees this as his last big purchase before baby (and he's not just using it as an excuse). If not, explain to him the financial impact of his purchase and why it is not a good idea at this time. Let him know that just because you are having a baby doesn't mean an end to fun, but it will mean perhaps more budgeting and saving money to allow for those "fun" purchases.

Good luck!

carcrashheart

Newp. He is being childish and unreasonable. While people still like to think that life won't change much, or doesn't change much, once LO arrives I beg to differ. DH used to play world of Warcraft a couple hours every day or so. Once DS was born that ended, on his own accord. We have made time on weekends so that each of us gets alone time for 2-4 hours, but that was only once DS became a but easier to handle once he was around 6 months or so. So what I'm saying is-there's not that much spare time to be taking a boat out anyways. The baby can't go on it, so it's not like it's a family thing. And I'm sorry but he needs a present for having a baby? I don't even believe in push presents so him getting a present just comes off as extremely immature to me. He gets a baby as a present, and one that he doesn't have to personally birth.

As for the general idea of not agreeing on big purchases, that's something that needs to be sorted out. In our world, $1500 would be far too much to spend on anything. Unless it was a home project or vacation, it just wouldn't be an option. But I recognize that everyone's incomes are different and what might be too much for one couple may not be for another. So with that said, big purchases in general are things that we discuss first. We don't make them very often, so typically we are buying something we both want anyways. But if someone isn't on board with it, that should mean something to the other. And you are right-with baby on the way there are going to be expenses. Kind of like when you move on your own for the first time and there are expenses upfront that aren't always usual (like, buying grocery staples that don't get purchased at every grocery trip but are necessary), a baby can be the same no matter how much you plan. Maybe the baby won't like the kind of bottles you have, or the diapers, or is a preemie. Those things will send you back out to the store to get new stuff. Take DS, for example-he hated being swaddled but liked being wrapped in fuzzy blankets. We stocked up on a few. He hated the pacifiers we had so we bought different ones to find one he liked. Those kinds of things. And daycare should already be an expense that you are aware of and have LO lined up for daycare, if that's the route you're going.

To sum up: he's being unreasonable by not discussing as an adult and acting like an adult. He's a husband and father, not a child.

Npetrous

Thanks all... He seems to have come to his senses on this one on his own after looking at our finances. We most def don't have $1500 lying around!

NunyaBennis

Glad you guys are on the same page now. I just wanted to add my experience, just in case you might have any interest in this type of compromise.
I picked up a little boat that was in pretty rough shape at the end of the season. My husband and I spent the fall & winter months repairing and restoring it. He picked up an old trolling motor and rebuilt it, and we installed new seats and painted it after it was all sealed up. We had a great time together and have a lot of pride in our finished project, which ended up costing about $350 total.
This may not be the ideal time for you to delve into it together, but maybe it could give him an outlet without breaking the bank.

KMW08

Npetrous said:

Thanks all... He seems to have come to his senses on this one on his own after looking at our finances. We most def don't have $1500 lying around!

I'm glad it seems you've discussed it and he's changed his mind after looking at your finances.

I think it's easy to forget that another human with additional expenses will soon be entering our lives. I had to discuss this with dh the other day. He really wanted to pay off one of out loans (about 8k - no interest, it was a family deal with no rush)but I reminded him we don't know what's coming. What if I'm on bedrest etc etc. He realized I had a valid point and so we decided to wait until after baby arrives to pay it off.

ColtiersMom

If y'all needed that money for baby stuff then I def would tell him no and that he needs to think of all the baby things y'all could buy with that.
DH and I happen to have an agreement that we both must agree if the other is spending over a few hundred dollars on something. Even if it's with his bonus money, which we don't factor into our joint money.

misterdonut

Have a chat! This isnt about a last time purchase. If he impulsively buys now, you'll want to know he will come to you for agreement if he wants to buy baby something grand too.

dbgwife

Jumping in here! I'm glad to hear he's coming to his senses after looking at the budget! Something I will always recommend is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Planner! We were on totally different pages when it came to money. I'm a saver, and he was an extreme spender. Naturally we had some issues! It really got us both in the right frame of mind, and preparing for our future.