You are not an idiot or pathetic. You are being manipulated. I've been there. My first husband lied to me about everything, swore he changed after breaking my heart and calling off our engagement once. We got back together because of his begging and my wanting to believe he had changed. We had a miserable 2 year marriage and he broke it off again. For a man. Not saying that's what is going on here, but clearly this guy is hiding things from you.
Don't walk - run from this guy and all his crazy. It took me 10 years to get over my first marriage. 10 years and a lot of counseling.
Do this for yourself and your child. You can find a way to make things work without marrying this guy. Save yourself all this grief.
I just don't see why you feel the need to be married so soon? If you haven't been able to stay together so far, what makes you think getting married would fix it? Don't get married. Don't waste your money on meeting with a lawyer. Don't move in together. Focus on your baby right now.
six times..? SIX times? I'm sorry, I don't even get how that works in such a short amount of time.
I am sorry, but are you going to waste 5 yrs of your life On a maybe?
I believe he is a lot older than you, and I doubt very much if he will change his ways now.
You need to put yourself and your son first, and run as fast as possible from the bloke!
Right. He has deep seated character flaws and those don't disappear with counseling. Counseling doesn't work like that.
Besides, it's not just the issue of running away, you still have the issue of him being very selfish and manipulative.
You say you love him, but does he love you? I doubt it because this isn't how a man behaves when he loves someone. For a marriage to survive you also need mutual respect and admiration, which you have none.
Based on his track record, in 5 years he will have left you another 60+ times.
That's exhausting to think about.
Consider the atmosphere when you have conflicts, do you want to have your child in that atmosphere 60+ times before his/her fifth birthday?
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Also, I think your threat of him signing another lease ends the relationship is an empty one. There are at least 6 other reasons you should have ended the relationship and you haven't yet.
He knows it's an empty threat too.
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I really don't have much to add other than you have my sympathy. Personally, I would leave his ass, but that doesn't seem to be what you really want. You have mentioned that you still love him and until that changes I doubt anything else will.either. I hope counseling works and you guys can resolve some of this before the baby comes. Thinking of you.
Run in the other direction! This relationship is too volatile and unhealthy- end it now before exposing baby to such an environment. You deserve a loving, supportive spouse!
I really have nothing to add except please consider postponing the wedding for awhile. I think rushing into marriage right now is a bad idea. Youve said you love him so I know you don't want to end it, but you can still be in a relationship without having to be married or even living together.
OP, I feel like I have gotten a sense of who your are through your previous posts and your comments on this board. You seem like a really sweet and intelligent person. Let me be brutally honest and please know that this is coming from a place of genuine concern:
Run like your ass is on fire! This man is toxic. His actions are already hurting your child. I will say that again: He is hurting your child.
The stress he has caused you during your most vulnerable time is directly affecting the health and well-being of your baby. It is time to open your eyes and see the reality of this situation.
He is emotionally blackmailing you by breaking up with any time you two have a disagreement. His actions are saying, "Do exactly what I want when and how I want or I won't love you and I will leave". You and your child will never be able to trust that he will be there when you need him. He is selfish, manipulative, and cruel. His own wants and needs will ALWAYS take priority over you and your child.
Therapy will not change the man he is. Stop lying to yourself about it. Stop allowing him to hurt you and start protecting your baby from him. Talk to your lawyer about custody rights and child support. The marriage would be a sham from day one and just like he is using the prenup as a bargaining tool, the marriage would be just one more way for him to manipulate you. Unfortunately, if you marry him, he can ruin your credit and finances too. Don't give him more power. Get some distance and realize that the fairy tale ending in your head is blinding you.
PLEASE do not stay with this guy. I know it might seem scary to face this situation on your own, but in my mind you have no choice. Marrying someone like this is a huge mistake. This doesn't sound like love. He is willing to marry you, with a prenup, because he wants to do the right thing because you're pregnant. But the prenup shows he has no intention to stay with you long term. I PROMISE you will find a better guy one day and you'll be grateful you didn't lock yourself into this misery. I can't not stress enough that you need to move on. Cancel the mtg with the lawyer. Tell him to get an apartment and you'll keep him updated on the pregnancy. Move on and find happiness for both you and your baby. PLEASE!
I get that therapists want patients to reach their own conclusions, but damn. Does she not realize that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship and she should be trying to guide you out of it?
That sounds harsh, but listen to the words you use: "he can change" "he begs me to take him back" "he says it will be different". I heard ALL the same stuff from my friend who stayed (years too long) in a physically abusive relationship. My friend is smart, terrific, well-rounded, successful in her career...and she stayed with a guy who regularly hit her for all the same reasons you just mentioned.
If you ask me, emotional abuse (and let's be clear, he is absolutely emotionally abusing you, as PP said you've reached the point where it's even causing you physical harm) is every bit as damaging to the psyche as physical.
In short--dump him, and do it now. If you get married I am completely certain he will ruin your life and damage your LO. People don't change. At least not in the major ways.
TWO Babies in 2014! DS #1 Born 01/07/2014, DS #2 Born 12/17/2014
Please give us an update and tell us you dumped his a$$! From the info you provided us he sounds like the farthest thing from marriage material. We all agree that you deserve better and as harsh as that sounds it coming from a good place! It's a big red flag that you two already need lawyers and pre nups. And the fact that he is not trusting you and threatening to get his own place.
Okay, I'm just gonna be blunt about it because I have insomnia and my filter is gone: You can do better than this guy. Seriously. Even if he moved in with you today, he does not sound like someone you should invest your life in. This much red tape and lawyers should only be involved when you are going through a divorce, not a marriage. I know it's hard, especially while pregnant, but you and your LO deserve more of a loving commitment than this. Drop him while you can and before it will cost you a lot of money and even more stress to do so.
Exactly this.
I have to ask-- why in the world would you wan to marry a guy that has broken up with you SIX times in the last FIVE months??!! That's so incredibly shady and pardon my language, but fucking crazy. Giving you a freaking ultimatum should be the first THERE'S YOUR SIGN.
He sounds like a real winner. Marry for happiness and love, not for the sake of the fact you're pregnant. That's not a healthy environment for anyone, especially baby. You can definitely do better than this!
BFP #1 5/12/12; EDD 1/20/13; Eliana Grace born 1/25/13
OP , I am sorry to hear that your going thru all of this. PLEASE for the love of your little baby & YOURSELF.. take care of yourself! !!
Us d14 mamas have your back but its up to you to remain strong. We arnt saying its easy and your situation seems difficult. But you have to... you got to do what is right for yourself and babe. And it seems like you know what you need to do. Xoxo stay strong my friend
How will staying with this dude make your life any better? Re-read your original post. What the hell would your advice be to someone in this scenario? Wake up, girl. It's either cut the bs now, or deal with a messy divorce and custody issues down the road.
If you aren't comfortable with breaking it off right this second tell him to sign the lease (he can always sublet). Tell him that you appreciate getting the prenup over to your attorney so you have a chance to look at it but if he continues to pressure you that you are going to have postpone the wedding since you want to mutually agree on it. Be sure to tell your attorney about the pressure he is putting on this especially with the wedding, numerous break ups, and you being PG.
Now...of course i stand with the other ladies that you need to be looking out for yourself and the LO which is probably best served with you putting an end to chaos he is bringing to your life. My suggestion above is for you to get comfortable in finding your backbone as you make the necessary steps. He is going to be upset that you are starting to show backbone but you have to take care of yourself...he will show his true colors.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, and I'm sorry you're so stessed and feeling ashamed. That's a horrible feeling.
For me, the bottom line is: you deserve better.
I'm sure it will break your heart to end this relationship, but it's so important, and you will be so proud of yourself and so grateful you did it when you look back on it.
Baby GIRL born 12/11/14!!
MC @ 8 wks 7/6/13 - ectopic @ 6 wks 12/28/13
In loving memory of sweet baby HP, and all our angel babies. Forever in our hearts.
From someone who has been there with an emotionally abusive asshole husband, please believe me when I say it's not worth it. Think of the days/weeks/months/years you will never get back because of the drama that he will forever bring into your relationship. Think of the tears that you can never uncry. Think of the embarrassment you can never unfeel. I lost 4 years of my life to my ex and I morn the loss of that time, the loss of my health, and the loss of my self. I was physically ill from the stress, just like you are now. You have to put you and your baby first. With his selfish antics, he is NEVER putting you first. It's time someone did. You may feel love for him, but I promise that the relief and balance and personal well-being that will surround you when the dust settles from leaving him will help you see that the "love" was really something much more toxic. I'm sorry you are in this position, and I'm sure with all this stress, you'd just like to throw your hands up in the air and surrender to whatever he is willing to promise you, but you need to be the grown-up. You need to put your foot down. And you need to walk away.
I'm going to speak from my own experience from a past relationship that sounds similar to yours. We would constantly be on the verge of getting married and then another huge fight would happen. I would make all kinds of excuses for him. All my friends and family couldn't understand why I didn't just leave him but there were still enough good times that I couldn't give up. I felt like my whole life was in limbo bc I couldn't make the commitment but couldn't commit to leave him either. I'm sure if I got pregnant I'd have ended up married to him and miserable.
I know it's a huge decision to break up with him but as PP said, start with the small decisions. I had to move out and sign my own lease elsewhere to give myself the space I needed to gain enough perspective that I needed to get out. We continued to date while living apart but I tried to do things without him more until I could finally see clearly.
Let him sign his lease and postpone the wedding until after the baby is here since you physically aren't in any condition to be dealing with this now and making life changing decisions.
I know you want this to work, and seem to have a dream of a normal family life with this guy. I understand the desire for everything to settle down and work out, but as everyone has mentioned, this relationship is just not viable.
It shouldn't be this difficult. When it's right, it's easy. When two people want to be together, they just are. It really is that simple. If you continue in a relationship with this guy, you are robbing yourself and your child of a chance at a stable home life.
You can do it without him. You will find someone else who will love you, your child and be good to you, if you continue with counseling (this is crucial).
Do not marry him. He will not change. Begin to build your life without him now.
Again, I truly appreciate the responses I've gotten.
You are all right. He is cruel. he is manipulative. i see it. I know it. But I have difficulty accepting it, in part because he is not always that way and also because at times, he apologizes for it. And mostly, because its difficult for me to accept that I could love someone who treats me this way, even if it is only once in a while.
The reason I have stayed all these times is that I love him. Not because I am afraid of being alone or being a single mom, but because I love him. Don't get me wrong, I am not excited about being a single mom, but my reason for taking him back was that despite his cruel streaks and his need to leave me repeatedly, there is a side to him that I fell in love with and wanted to be with. I thought if he could see that I would stand by his side through thick in thin, he would stop being such a jerk when he is scared. I realize that isn't how it works. I can't fix him.
That being said, I feel like I have given him all that I can. Today I saw even more crazy and irrational behavior from him after I attempted to lift the pressure for him and told him it would be okay if he goes out and signs a lease without having to end the relationship. So, even when I give him what he wants, I get the smack down. I can't succeed in this relationship. I cannot thrive in this relationship. I don't want my son to see me like this. This relationship sucks the life out of me. I will have nothing left for my son if I stay with this man.
it breaks my heart, because I do love him deeply. But it is killing me to me to keep trying.
Thanks again for all the honest and direct and even blunt at times feedback.
I'm just so sad for you, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Every woman has an idea of her perfect life and I know this is not the way you envisioned yours. You are strong and smart enough to do what's right and I know you will make the best decision for you. As an outsider it is very easy for me to say that decision should be to leave his ass but it's not so simple when it's your own life.
D14 November Siggy Challenge: The feels of 3rd trimester...
Again, I truly appreciate the responses I've gotten.
You are all right. He is cruel. he is manipulative. i see it. I know it. But I have difficulty accepting it, in part because he is not always that way and also because at times, he apologizes for it. And mostly, because its difficult for me to accept that I could love someone who treats me this way, even if it is only once in a while.
The reason I have stayed all these times is that I love him. Not because I am afraid of being alone or being a single mom, but because I love him. Don't get me wrong, I am not excited about being a single mom, but my reason for taking him back was that despite his cruel streaks and his need to leave me repeatedly, there is a side to him that I fell in love with and wanted to be with. I thought if he could see that I would stand by his side through thick in thin, he would stop being such a jerk when he is scared. I realize that isn't how it works. I can't fix him.
That being said, I feel like I have given him all that I can. Today I saw even more crazy and irrational behavior from him after I attempted to lift the pressure for him and told him it would be okay if he goes out and signs a lease without having to end the relationship. So, even when I give him what he wants, I get the smack down. I can't succeed in this relationship. I cannot thrive in this relationship. I don't want my son to see me like this. This relationship sucks the life out of me. I will have nothing left for my son if I stay with this man.
it breaks my heart, because I do love him deeply. But it is killing me to me to keep trying.
Thanks again for all the honest and direct and even blunt at times feedback.
Glad you made the step forward by telling him to go out and sign a lease. At this point it is not surprising if he does have some crazy, irrational behavior since it is him lashing out since he is loosing/lost control over you. Please re-read what you wrote above. There are several red flags for an abusive relationship:
- "he is not always this way"
- "he apologizes"
- "treats me this way, even if it is once in a while"
- "despite his cruel streaks"
- "if I stand beside him, he would stop being a jerk"
His time to stop being a jerk and having cruel streaks has passed. You have been there for him and he has not made the changes since he is obviously still manipulating you, making it all about him, and in the process making you feel pathetic and like an idiot.
Since you have made the first step forward on regaining some control in the relationship and your life, be prepared for him to try to apply pressure back on the topic of the wedding & prenup since it will be his way to try to regain control. Stay firm and you can say... we are having some difficult times and I would like to take this remaining time without baby to focus on us. (Keep in mind you aren't taking him back... but consider it as investing in trying to have a decent relationship with him if you co-parent. Granted you aren't going to change his outbursts and behavior but you will show him more respect than he has shown you and that if the relationship doesn't work... it was not from your lack of effort, respect, maturity, etc.)
Again, I truly appreciate the responses I've gotten.
You are all right. He is cruel. he is manipulative. i see it. I know it. But I have difficulty accepting it, in part because he is not always that way and also because at times, he apologizes for it. And mostly, because its difficult for me to accept that I could love someone who treats me this way, even if it is only once in a while.
The reason I have stayed all these times is that I love him. Not because I am afraid of being alone or being a single mom, but because I love him. Don't get me wrong, I am not excited about being a single mom, but my reason for taking him back was that despite his cruel streaks and his need to leave me repeatedly, there is a side to him that I fell in love with and wanted to be with. I thought if he could see that I would stand by his side through thick in thin, he would stop being such a jerk when he is scared. I realize that isn't how it works. I can't fix him.
That being said, I feel like I have given him all that I can. Today I saw even more crazy and irrational behavior from him after I attempted to lift the pressure for him and told him it would be okay if he goes out and signs a lease without having to end the relationship. So, even when I give him what he wants, I get the smack down. I can't succeed in this relationship. I cannot thrive in this relationship. I don't want my son to see me like this. This relationship sucks the life out of me. I will have nothing left for my son if I stay with this man.
it breaks my heart, because I do love him deeply. But it is killing me to me to keep trying.
Thanks again for all the honest and direct and even blunt at times feedback.
Glad you made the step forward by telling him to go out and sign a lease. At this point it is not surprising if he does have some crazy, irrational behavior since it is him lashing out since he is loosing/lost control over you. Please re-read what you wrote above. There are several red flags for an abusive relationship:
- "he is not always this way"
- "he apologizes"
- "treats me this way, even if it is once in a while"
- "despite his cruel streaks"
- "if I stand beside him, he would stop being a jerk"
His time to stop being a jerk and having cruel streaks has passed. You have been there for him and he has not made the changes since he is obviously still manipulating you, making it all about him, and in the process making you feel pathetic and like an idiot.
Since you have made the first step forward on regaining some control in the relationship and your life, be prepared for him to try to apply pressure back on the topic of the wedding & prenup since it will be his way to try to regain control. Stay firm and you can say... we are having some difficult times and I would like to take this remaining time without baby to focus on us. (Keep in mind you aren't taking him back... but consider it as investing in trying to have a decent relationship with him if you co-parent. Granted you aren't going to change his outbursts and behavior but you will show him more respect than he has shown you and that if the relationship doesn't work... it was not from your lack of effort, respect, maturity, etc.)
^^ Cycle Of Abuse Chart
I'm just putting this here to show you that what you're describing is very typical of an abusive relationship. So typical, there are 100s of charts just like this if you look up "abusive cycle." And many of them point out one thing I think is really important - that sweet honeymoon phase? It gets smaller and smaller. It's not your fault and you are not alone. This happens every day to brilliant, strong, amazing women (and men) of all socioeconomic levels, races, ages and education levels.
People like your boyfriend are masters of this kind of manipulation so please don't feel guilt for falling into this pattern but it's essential that you get out. I'm so glad you can see through it and I encourage to keep listening to your intuition. I'll repeat the above warning that the hardest time is right when you try to leave. He won't like you gaining control and might try to lash out. He'll pour on the charm then the guilt, followed by more extreme behavior. But you can do this. You know what is best for you and your LO. We all support you. Keep seeing your counselor and make sure your family and friends will be nearby for support.
Take care of yourself!
In memory of the baby Hufflepuff and all the angel babies of D14
@ColeyCannolli...thank you, that was a lot of very informative information about the cycle of abuse. so accurate.
@CandEChicago....very well put. Yes, I agree..there are a lot of red flags in what I wrote about the relationship. when you chopped away all the other stuff and just left those key phrases, it hit me hard.
@designchica Also just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for being able to recognize that this isn't a relationship that you will thrive in.
I spent 6 years of my life in a nasty abusive relationship, and could have written your words almost exactly. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, very similar to what you described. In the end I quite literally thought he was going to kill me. Leaving was SO hard because I did love him, at least portions of him. When it was good it was amazing. Once the heart ache and pain ended I realized what a great decision I had made, and in the end we were BOTH happier as a result. I gave him everything I had, EVERYTHING, but there was nothing I could have done to make that relationship work.
I hope for you and your child (especially your child, as he or she will be watching you to model what their own relationships should look like) that you can stick with these thoughts, even if he comes back begging and promises you the world.
Whew I miss a lot when I don't check in for a couple of days. @designchica - I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I remember all of your past posts, and my heart really breaks for you being in this position. I'm relieved to see the update that you told him to go ahead and sign his lease.
This relationship is so one-sided. And I know that you love him, but he really seems like such a toxic person. I totally know the feeling of being stuck in a relationship where you see just enough of that side that you love to keep hanging on and believing false promises. But the best predictor of future behavior is past actions, and he has a terrible track record. I think if you take some time away from the relationship to try to reflect on all you've gone through, you'll start to really see his actions for what they are. You just need to pull away from him long enough to get a breath of fresh air, let your love hormones calm down, and really weigh the pros and cons (or should I say pro and cons?).
I wish you the absolute best in making a good decision for you and LO. And I can tell you from experience that there are MUCH better men out there for you. When you find a quality guy, you'll feel baffled at all the crap you put up with. I hope you are able to move on and find a fresh start soon. Good luck! My thoughts are with you!
I'm really late to the game, but OP, I just want to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this. These ladies have given you some amazing advice and I really hope that you will follow through with what you've said.
I noticed that you said you are on bedrest right now and I really, really hope that right now, you will focus on you and your LO. I can't believe that this guy is stressing you out and pressuring you to get to a lawyer's office while you on bedrest with his child. You and your child deserve so much better than this. Added stress, worry and not eating is doing nothing to help your child and this child needs to be your priority.
I know its so much easier for us to say what we would do, but I really hope that you reach out to your family or friends or whatever support you have so that by the time the baby comes, you have a good system. I would also document all of his behavior and start talking to a lawyer about custody. I know you said he can be great sometimes, but what about when he's not? How is he going to treat your LO? You need to be thinking about this now and taking steps to protect this child.
Do not marry this guy right now. Just because you are having his baby doesn't mean that you must marry him.
Hold the phone. You've only been together since December and you've broken up 6 times AND you're planning on getting married. This is ridiculous. I'm not belittling your pain/love. But, come on! What GOOD has come of this nonsense? You'll have a beautiful baby who's father you barely knew. Cut your losses now.
Hold the phone. You've only been together since December and you've broken up 6 times AND you're planning on getting married. This is ridiculous. I'm not belittling your pain/love. But, come on! What GOOD has come of this nonsense? You'll have a beautiful baby who's father you barely knew. Cut your losses now.
Thank you... I missed that.
Nope... don't get married to someone you have known or have been seeing for about 8-9 months. In normal circumstances I would tell people you need more time to grow the relationship.
Hold the phone. You've only been together since December and you've broken up 6 times AND you're planning on getting married. This is ridiculous. I'm not belittling your pain/love. But, come on! What GOOD has come of this nonsense? You'll have a beautiful baby who's father you barely knew. Cut your losses now.
YES. I don't want to belittle the situation either becuase it's still serious and abusive and she still needs to get out ASAP -- but I was under the impression from earlier posts that she'd been with this guy for years. Not that it would make it "better" if she had, I guess.
OP, you've been with this man for 8 months and for 6 of those months he's been repeatedly breaking up with you and emotionally abusing you to the point where you can't eat or get out of bed. And you want to stay with him because you somehow love him so much? I agree with @Candechicago, even if you had a normal happy relationship I wouldn't be advising you to jump into marriage with someone you've been seeing for less than a year.
Is it possible the fact that you got pregnant and want to provide a "normal" life for LO is clouding your judgement on just how much you "love" this jerk?
TWO Babies in 2014! DS #1 Born 01/07/2014, DS #2 Born 12/17/2014
OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You must be on an emotional roller coaster.
I think you did the right thing telling him to go ahead and sign a lease, and take the pressure off making decisions right this second. LO puts some things on a timeline, I know, but taking a step back, there's nothing to say you have to sort out all these big questions immediately. Whether you two decide to be together or not, you can live separately, take care of your own needs, co-parent, and see where the relationship goes. If he truly wants to be with you, he'll prove it. On the flip side, if he's throwing around ultimatums and dangling his presence in your life as bait, that's worrying.
It sounds like things are pretty volatile and you're feeling pressure to force things to happen quickly (sign a prenup, move in, get married). From my read of it, it sounds like your SO may not really know what he wants, but still wants you to be available if he decides he's in, and is trying to dictate the situation by giving you ultimatums and blowing up at you while giving you just enough hope to keep you there. I know that's especially confusing and tough to deal with when it comes from someone you love.
I went through a pretty awful divorce with an ex-husband who had a hard time figuring out what he wanted, and a lot of similar volatile back-and-forth. One of the hardest lessons I came out of that with was that I could love someone, but that didn't automatically mean they were a good match for me or that the relationship was healthy. That sucked.
Breakups and relationship issues are awful at the best of times, I can imagine with a LO on the way it's that much worse. Take care of yourself. We're thinking about you.
Can you do something nice for yourself right now? A girls weekend with your mom and sister? Get away for a few days and clear your head?
"it breaks my heart, because I do love him deeply. But it is killing me to me to keep trying."
Honey, you don't love him, you love the IDEA of him. When you are in love with someone, you NEVER have to ask for advice or wonder how things are going to be because he's already too busy showing you how much he loves you, demonstrating that he will take care of you by taking care of you NOW and you never really have to forgive because he won't screw up in the first place.
Put yourself first, go find a real man and don't look back.
Re: Boyfriend living in a separate house when baby comes??
Don't walk - run from this guy and all his crazy. It took me 10 years to get over my first marriage. 10 years and a lot of counseling.
Do this for yourself and your child. You can find a way to make things work without marrying this guy. Save yourself all this grief.
six times..? SIX times? I'm sorry, I don't even get how that works in such a short amount of time.
That's exhausting to think about.
Consider the atmosphere when you have conflicts, do you want to have your child in that atmosphere 60+ times before his/her fifth birthday?
He knows it's an empty threat too.
Baby 2: EDD: 8/06/14 CP: 11/13
Run like your ass is on fire! This man is toxic. His actions are already hurting your child. I will say that again: He is hurting your child.
The stress he has caused you during your most vulnerable time is directly affecting the health and well-being of your baby. It is time to open your eyes and see the reality of this situation.
He is emotionally blackmailing you by breaking up with any time you two have a disagreement. His actions are saying, "Do exactly what I want when and how I want or I won't love you and I will leave". You and your child will never be able to trust that he will be there when you need him. He is selfish, manipulative, and cruel. His own wants and needs will ALWAYS take priority over you and your child.
Therapy will not change the man he is. Stop lying to yourself about it. Stop allowing him to hurt you and start protecting your baby from him. Talk to your lawyer about custody rights and child support. The marriage would be a sham from day one and just like he is using the prenup as a bargaining tool, the marriage would be just one more way for him to manipulate you. Unfortunately, if you marry him, he can ruin your credit and finances too. Don't give him more power. Get some distance and realize that the fairy tale ending in your head is blinding you.
That sounds harsh, but listen to the words you use: "he can change" "he begs me to take him back" "he says it will be different". I heard ALL the same stuff from my friend who stayed (years too long) in a physically abusive relationship. My friend is smart, terrific, well-rounded, successful in her career...and she stayed with a guy who regularly hit her for all the same reasons you just mentioned.
If you ask me, emotional abuse (and let's be clear, he is absolutely emotionally abusing you, as PP said you've reached the point where it's even causing you physical harm) is every bit as damaging to the psyche as physical.
In short--dump him, and do it now. If you get married I am completely certain he will ruin your life and damage your LO. People don't change. At least not in the major ways.
DS #1 Born 01/07/2014, DS #2 Born 12/17/2014
Exactly this.
I have to ask-- why in the world would you wan to marry a guy that has broken up with you SIX times in the last FIVE months??!! That's so incredibly shady and pardon my language, but fucking crazy. Giving you a freaking ultimatum should be the first THERE'S YOUR SIGN.
He sounds like a real winner. Marry for happiness and love, not for the sake of the fact you're pregnant. That's not a healthy environment for anyone, especially baby. You can definitely do better than this!
BFP #1 5/12/12; EDD 1/20/13; Eliana Grace born 1/25/13
BFP #2 12/11/13; EDD 8/23/14; M/C 6 weeks
BFP #3 4/3/14; EDD 12/13/14
Us d14 mamas have your back but its up to you to remain strong. We arnt saying its easy and your situation seems difficult. But you have to... you got to do what is right for yourself and babe. And it seems like you know what you need to do.
Xoxo stay strong my friend
Now...of course i stand with the other ladies that you need to be looking out for yourself and the LO which is probably best served with you putting an end to chaos he is bringing to your life. My suggestion above is for you to get comfortable in finding your backbone as you make the necessary steps. He is going to be upset that you are starting to show backbone but you have to take care of yourself...he will show his true colors.
For me, the bottom line is: you deserve better.
I'm sure it will break your heart to end this relationship, but it's so important, and you will be so proud of yourself and so grateful you did it when you look back on it.
Owen- April 2011
Olivia- Due December 24th
I know it's a huge decision to break up with him but as PP said, start with the small decisions. I had to move out and sign my own lease elsewhere to give myself the space I needed to gain enough perspective that I needed to get out. We continued to date while living apart but I tried to do things without him more until I could finally see clearly.
Let him sign his lease and postpone the wedding until after the baby is here since you physically aren't in any condition to be dealing with this now and making life changing decisions.
It shouldn't be this difficult. When it's right, it's easy. When two people want to be together, they just are. It really is that simple. If you continue in a relationship with this guy, you are robbing yourself and your child of a chance at a stable home life.
You can do it without him. You will find someone else who will love you, your child and be good to you, if you continue with counseling (this is crucial).
Do not marry him. He will not change. Begin to build your life without him now.
D14 November Siggy Challenge: The feels of 3rd trimester...
^^ Cycle Of Abuse Chart
I'm just putting this here to show you that what you're describing is very typical of an abusive relationship. So typical, there are 100s of charts just like this if you look up "abusive cycle." And many of them point out one thing I think is really important - that sweet honeymoon phase? It gets smaller and smaller.
It's not your fault and you are not alone. This happens every day to brilliant, strong, amazing women (and men) of all socioeconomic levels, races, ages and education levels.
Baby #1
Baby #2
~04/19/16 EDD 12/26/16~
SaveSaveSaveSave
YES. I don't want to belittle the situation either becuase it's still serious and abusive and she still needs to get out ASAP -- but I was under the impression from earlier posts that she'd been with this guy for years. Not that it would make it "better" if she had, I guess.
OP, you've been with this man for 8 months and for 6 of those months he's been repeatedly breaking up with you and emotionally abusing you to the point where you can't eat or get out of bed. And you want to stay with him because you somehow love him so much? I agree with @Candechicago, even if you had a normal happy relationship I wouldn't be advising you to jump into marriage with someone you've been seeing for less than a year.
Is it possible the fact that you got pregnant and want to provide a "normal" life for LO is clouding your judgement on just how much you "love" this jerk?
DS #1 Born 01/07/2014, DS #2 Born 12/17/2014
Honey, you don't love him, you love the IDEA of him. When you are in love with someone, you NEVER have to ask for advice or wonder how things are going to be because he's already too busy showing you how much he loves you, demonstrating that he will take care of you by taking care of you NOW and you never really have to forgive because he won't screw up in the first place.
Put yourself first, go find a real man and don't look back.