Pity Party Invite

TJ1979

You are cordially invited to join in my pity party.

Who: Anyone feeling sorry for themselves
Where: This post
When: Now, all day, all night, possibly for the foreseeable future
Hosted by: TJ

No need to RSVP, just post your pity party below.

TJ1979

I am feeling sooooo down on myself. I go back to work next Thursday, and I really don't want to go.

Today I attempted to buy fat clothes for work, and I haven't quit crying since. I've never been this big. And the worst part is, with all of P's sensitivities, I'm living off of smoothies and salads. I've been going to crossfit 5 days a week. I don't even know what more I could do. And I'm about to have much less time to take care of myself.

The nanny has been a little flaky the past few weeks. With my return to work coming so soon, this has me really nervous.

mnj05

I hear ya on clothes and not feeling the greatest about yourself. I did really well for a while then got too busy to do my meal plan/prep as well.

My downer lately is I'm scared to death about this IVF cycle. I am starting BCP next week and should be on stims the first week of September. I'm so scared it won't work, scared we won't be able to do it again, scared H will not have a sibling, just plain scared. Last time I was super excited and hopefully and this time I'm not. I'm trying to give myself time to be nervous, then put it all out of my head and be positive.

TJ1979

Hugs @mnj05‌. Sending lots of good vibes your way for this cycle. GL focusing on being positive.

TJ1979

@chiwifey That's a lot to handle deary. You are always on my prayer list, but I'll add some extra ones this time. Try to be positive. It's a good thing that they are taking things very seriously. You don't want to waste any time, you want to go straight to your best chance of conceiving. FX for great rest results.

@ducky719 Thanks! You're a doll.

TJ1979

@chiwifey That's a lot to handle deary. You are always on my prayer list, but I'll add some extra ones this time. Try to be positive. It's a good thing that they are taking things very seriously. You don't want to waste any time, you want to go straight to your best chance of conceiving. FX for great rest results.

@ducky719 Thanks! You're a doll.

kmc84

@TJ1979‌ please don't be hating on yourself! Your body has done so many wonderful things in the last three years! With all you are doing, I'm betting your body is just hanging on to whatever it can while you're bfing. Maybe when P is down a few sessions you'll wake up with a bikini body for next summer

@mnj05‌ ((big hugs)) the emotions are so hard. I think it's even harder when trying for another.... T&PS for a successful cycle!

@chiwifey‌ many T&Ps for you! I hope your cd3 bw comes back looking good for you to move forward! I so hope the fragile x is negative. That's so much worry to have on your shoulders right now ((hugs))

mnj05

Thanks girls. I love the care everyone on this board has; it definitely makes going through this a little easier. @chiwifey‌ - I hope your b/w comes back good. I'm sorry it's all seem to hit home a little too hard. Big hugs!

mdiblasi10

Big hugs and lots of love to you ladies. @TJ1979 the transition back to work is tough. Be kind to yourself and hang in there. @mnj05 wishing you lots of luck with this cycle! @chiwifey I hope you have nothing to worry about and the results come back quickly.

I can't complain about too much. However I am so exhausted from always feeling sick in some way. Migraines prior to our IVF and pregnancy. Medication side effects and nausea/vomiting during the IVF. Severe nausea and vomiting in the first trimester to the point of hospitalization and home IV. I am feeling much better these last two days, but I know the migraines will return after this pregnancy. I just want to enjoy this short life we have with my family and there always seems to be some kind of "pain" I have to deal with. And the migraines are the worst. I am just hoping my neurologist has a good plan for me for next year. I can't live with them, they are so, so bad. 

TJ1979

@mdiblasi10‌ I'm so sorry. I had debilitating migraines for many years, so I know how hard that is. I've been very lucky that pregnancy seems to have "fixed" mine for the time being. I hope you catch a break soon.

@kmc84 You're the best! Thanks!

luvboston

chiwifey said:

Hugs to both of you! 

@TJ1979 be kind to yourself right now. You're working hard and it will happen and you are beautiful no matter what!  

@mnj05 best of luck to you, deary!

Here goes my pity party... it's a loooooooong one...

My O.DWU was not the rainbows and butterflies experience I was hoping for. Things went well but Dr. Sch wasn't really interested in talking about potential success until my CD 3 b/w comes back, they gave a me a tentative protocol (the strongest one they use) which is reserved for the oldest patients toughest cases. I'm 33 so it really made the severity of my situation pretty darn real. Lastly they recommended testing for fragile x because of my age and DOR diagnosis. If it comes back as positive then we will have to meet with a genetic counselor and probably won't move forward with TTC. In addition if I do have have fragile x, that concerns me for C and his future. It could present itself in him as behavioral issues etc even later in life. So now on top of the worry that we may not be able to conceive another child, I'm also worried that C will have something going on in the future.  I don't even know if I have fragile x and I would never ever suspect anything was going on with C, but until that test comes back, I'm going to be a mess. It just feels like the world is working against me.

P.S. if anyone has fragile x experience/info please share. I'm trying not to google. 

I know an adult with fragile x they are perfectly normal it doesn't affect all people even though they have it. In fact the person is a pastor at a large church. Also you can have the pedi test c for it it's not that big a deal to test for they would just do a karotype.

A girl I know from if her DH has it so they had a probe built and did genetic testing and got 1 normal embryo. So even if you do have it you could potentially still ttc.

It of course would not be a cake walk.

Hugs if really sucks!

kmc84

@mdiblasi10‌ I have heard that there has been success using Botox to treat migraines. Might that be an option for you?

luvboston

@mdiblasi10‌ have you ever tried Allegra or 20 mg of Zyrtec at night this totally changed me world. Also when your not pg zomig. I take magnesium and riboflavin while pg for migraines they can even give you a mag IV. Also Benadryl and Tylenol together sometime breaks it.

phishgirl29

Hugs to all that need them!

I'm having my surgery (operative hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue) on Thursday and I'm really nervous. I hope that they only see scar tissue and that it's as quick of a fix as it could be. I'm also on BCPs while I wait for the surgery and my skin is all broken out! Topped off with the metformin sickness I have going I'm not sure how much longer I'll last! Woe is me

kmc84

@phishgirl29‌ good luck on Thursday! I hope your surgery is quick and complete and wishing you a speedy recovery!

luvboston

Hugs to everyone!

I am so sick of being chronically ill, I see so many doctors and not one actually helps except for the Beer Center it's pathetic. I literally take medicine all day long and still am sick as a dog. And if I have one more doctor tell me they don't know what do do with me I'll punch them. It feels like there are shards of glass rolling around in my stomach and I look like im having triplets.

I also want to kill DH he's so inconsiderate and self centered. I also Hate his mother and wish she would disappear.

I am also sick of being the only one with such a hard time staying pg in Los group of friends. Every time I see these mothers who oops got pg when their kids was six months are making me nuts. And who have the perfect pg and they don't look bloated and awful. I could barely take a breath before we had to prep for #2.

I also really despise how much money I have to spend staying pg my cc bill is 4k and not from a nice vacation which I desp deserve.

Also I think DH should start shooting up with Lovenox and see how it feels.

RAR!

TJ1979

Hugs @phishgirl29‌. GL at your sx.

TJ1979

Hugs @luvboston‌. I hope your drs can get their sh!t together and fix you up!

kmc84

TJ1979 said:

Hugs @luvboston‌. I hope your drs can get their sh!t together and fix you up!

Ditto! And for YH to get his head out of his arse!

mdiblasi10

@kmc84 yes, I've heard of that and have a friend who is trying it for her severe migraines. I have no opposition to trying that if necessary! Maybe I can find some wrinkles they can inject into hehe.

@luvboston I hope your doctors get your pain under control. I am so sorry and sympathize greatly with you My neurologist wants to try the magnesium/riboflavin combo post-partum. I don't get the severe migraines during pregnancy. Although I have had a few bad headaches this time around. Zomig, or really any of the triptan meds, do nothing for mine. I typically ended up at the ER for the really bad ones and the IV Toradol/Benadryl/anti-nausea cocktail they gave me helps to some degree. I tried the combo at home, but it just doesn't work the same as an IV. Thankfully there is a lot of migraine research going on right now. My Mom always sends me the new studies - she works in the pharmaceutical industry. 

mnj05

@phishgirl29‌ - good luck with surgery, hopefully you can move forward afterwards with no surprises! @luvboston‌ - I'm sorry for your pain, that must be so hard to live with. I hope you get answers/solutions soon.

pinkmickey24

Hugs to all three of you. It is a lot to handle for each of you, just in different perspectives. ***And to everyone else who has posted since I started typing this over three hours ago.***
Its been a rough day and D hit his head on the toy box and got a puffy eye and a knot on top of his head. Then it became a cry fest for a couple hours. I go back to work in two weeks, summer vacation is about to end and this isn't how I want it to be. Plus I need some me time which hasn't happened since before school let out.

Jenny935

Oh ladies, I am so sad in so many ways now. But this post does prove that in general, this is a pretty positive board because we had to verbalize our woes in a particular post. I don't know another group of people who tries this hard to smile when everything feels like it's going to you-know-what.

@TJ1979 I go back in 13 days and feel the same way you do. @mnj05 I had a hard time being positive the 2nd time too, because I knew it was our last fresh cycle regardless of outcome, and DH was being annoyingly positive which he thought helped but totally didn't. I hope all your worry is unfounded and that it goes well. @chiwifey Hopefully your CD3 will come back with something positive. We decided not to do the fragile X, we had done the rest last time and everything came back ok and we decided not to add that one. Sometimes I wish we had the info, but then I would probably just panic. I hope you get the answers you want.  @mdiblasi10 & @luvboston There isn't much worse on earth than chronic illness, especially invisible ones. I hope you both find some relief soon. @phishgirl29 I hope you have a quick recovery - and oh my gosh I hate the BCP skin!! I didn't have that problem back when I was on BCP for regular reasons (you know, to keep myself from getting KU - ha!) but all my cycling BCPs were bad. I hope you clear up quick!

Ok so my woe is poor DS's belly. I'm so frustrated that after battling food issues for months 2-12 of his life, we had 4 months of a totally normal kid with food and now we're facing question marks again. It also makes me nervous for the sibling because so many things run in families. I just really hope we can figure it out and get him feeling ok. The new meds have been fantastic, and I hope the GI has some decent news for us next week because the appt is right before I go back to work, and I'm starting the school year with just 28 sick days - that's not even enough to get me pd for the first 6 wks of maternity leave, and I have to make it to March with a kid in daycare plus OB appointments. I don't have days for DH to be sick! AH! Ok I will stop woe-ing now.

Hugs to all, and to all a good night!

mnj05

@Jenny935 - I don't know how you do it with a LO with a picky tummy. That's got to be hard and I hope the question marks turn out to be little things. I used all of my sick days last year with so many surgeries/appointments for H so I've only 10 this year. I'll use around half for IVF and within the first month of school. Such is life for an IFer I guess!

Jenny935

@mnj05 I have had coworkers retire with 200+ sick days...how do they do it?!?! I did have 70 just 2 years ago. But I took 5 off for my m/c and d&c and then they took 30 for my maternity leave, and then LIFE...luckily my OB has appts at 5:15 so I can usually avoid skipping school for the regular ones. Just things like the big u/s have to be during the day. Nobody would think I was weird if all 3 of us started wearing bubble suits to keep out the germs, right??

mnj05

@Jenny935 - from what I've been told, those big numbers come after kids! I will have to find a new OB should this IVF work and I'm hoping I can find one with later appointments. The practice I'm interested in is about a mile down the road from the school so even if it's a 4:30 time, I can make it since we let out at 3:50.

e74

Hugs to all... You all are in my thoughts and prayers that things get easier... Due to my twins being born early, one sees a physical therapist and one sees both a physical and occupational therapist. The therapists are always telling me how far behind one of the twins is and now they think he needs a developmental specialist... I know it is all to help them, I get it, but it's hard to deal with someone always pointing out the faults in your children!!

luvboston

KaraBear4409 said:

I will join the pity party now. DH and I have always talked about having two kids. Since having DH, he frequently makes comments about how he doesn't want any more. He said that R is perfect, and he doesn't want to divide his attention. I think IF/a crappy pregnancy/difficult delivery kind of scared him off. I am no where near ready for another one (DS is only four months old), but I always assumed we would have more. Plus, we still have three frosties. I tried to have a serious discussion with him about it last night, and he just wrote it off as "we'll talk about it again in a couple of years." I'm trying to let it upset me right now, but we just aren't on the same page, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it right now.

Hugs men need a lot of time to adjust and for them having 2 ppl to spread their attention to is hard let alone three give him time.

Roxie5739

Hugs to all you lovely ladies...

My pity party contributions are 2 fold: 1. My DH's family is a little crazy and a lot selfish. We never see then yet they love 15 mins from us. His Mom comes to see A once a month at best, maybe every 6 weeks. She is closing in on 90 years old and insists on picking up A and DH knows I don't want her too. She still does it, she is not a good judge of what's safe/ unsafe. Drives me nuts.

2. I have a new group of Moms and we hang out a few times a week. They are all 30 something and are trying for #2 and here I am, a little over 40, very grateful for my miracle LO that should not have been but longing for #2 as well. IF is so unfair

queenbone

Hugs all around, ladies!! My vent seems so shallow in comparison.  

The contractors are way behind schedule and DS1's b-day party is coming up fast. I really need the scaffolding to come down before the party, but I don't think that is likely now. The dryrot is extensive which has added substantially to the bottom line, which means I can't afford a Plan B to the backyard b-day party. I'm so aggravated. I used to work for this company, so I know how things should run, so that's why I'm so upset they have let this get so far behind. 

X(

ccam

Hugs to all of you ladies!!!

phishgirl29

Hugs @Roxie5739!   >:D<

Mayzie15

Sending hugs to all you ladies.

@phishgirl29‌ I've been thinking about you and hoping your surgery goes well

mcgeeva

TJ1979 im sorry! I feel your pain. I am almost 5 months in and still only fit one pair of pants for work I got myself - to fit my chunk waist I have majoooooooor sag butt. I hate it daily. Went to my first spin class today. Been up since C's 4:30 feeding and hit the road to work out. Now I can barely keep my eyes pealed. Blah. 

I would like to say all in time we will get there. I just think the older we get it's soo soo much harder to lose the weight. And unlike others think I feel BFding is prohibiting me from loosing since I have to eat enough, drink enough to produce milk. Blah so I will join your pity party. 

I also have my inlaws coming this weekend for my son's baptism and we aren't speaking to them. Not looking forward to it. I'm sick of having every single holiday and event be ruined by them. I'm angry with DH and hope he keeps his foot down with them. 

Jenny935

@queenbone You don't have to compare pity parties - I'd be totally stressed in that situation! I hope it all works out quickly and relatively affordably! 

mcgeeva

mnj05 – Good luck!!

chiwifey – I’m sorry that is a lot to absorb. I hope all turns out okay.

mdiblasi10 There is definitely nothing more debilitating the migraines. Hopefully they can figure out a way to stop them or at least lesson he frequency of them.

phishgirl29 good luck!

luvboston hugs

pb_bride

HUGS to all of you who are having a difficult time.

@TJ1979, I was back at my pre-pg weight this past winter, but been gaining since I weaned.  It also didn't help that I was on meds for a couple of weeks for my potential FET, except the weight hasn't gone away even though the meds been out of my system for months now.  I finally broke down and bought myself 2 pairs of short b/c even my fattest of FAT clothes barely fit.  I also finally gave my thin pants away to my friend because I know I'd never be able to fit back in them even when/if I get back to my pre-pg weight.  I feel so gross most of the time.

I'm late to the party but here it is:

M has been so CLINGY for the past 1-2 months (I just posted it on the 12-24m board).  He has to hold my hand all.the.time, and throws a fit if I ask him to let go of my hand (even when I say I'll stay right with him).  I'm talking about playground, park, library, even our own house - he has to be physically holding my hand every second.  It is so physically and emotionally draining when it's 9 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Otherwise, tantrum ensues and he'll whine/cry for 20+ minutes and can't calm himself down.  We were at a park this am and I let him drag me everywhere he wants, and he still threw 2 tantrums - he throws himself down on the ground and refuses to get up.  Sometimes I just sit next to him on the ground and let him whine, but he doesn't stop.  He'll climb/cling onto me and whines/cries until he wears me out (like 20 minutes), then I give in and pick him up to the car or stroller.  I'm so TIRED of this.  

Of course, when we are with others, he's like a total different toddler and not clingy at all.  We went on vacation with my parents last week and they kept commenting on how well-behaved he is and how he never throws a tantrum (which was true - he only threw 1 major tantrum in 5 days).

queenbone

pb_bride said:

HUGS to all of you who are having a difficult time.

@TJ1979, I was back at my pre-pg weight this past winter, but been gaining since I weaned.  It also didn't help that I was on meds for a couple of weeks for my potential FET, except the weight hasn't gone away even though the meds been out of my system for months now.  I finally broke down and bought myself 2 pairs of short b/c even my fattest of FAT clothes barely fit.  I also finally gave my thin pants away to my friend because I know I'd never be able to fit back in them even when/if I get back to my pre-pg weight.  I feel so gross most of the time.

I'm late to the party but here it is:

M has been so CLINGY for the past 1-2 months (I just posted it on the 12-24m board).  He has to hold my hand all.the.time, and throws a fit if I ask him to let go of my hand (even when I say I'll stay right with him).  I'm talking about playground, park, library, even our own house - he has to be physically holding my hand every second.  It is so physically and emotionally draining when it's 9 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Otherwise, tantrum ensues and he'll whine/cry for 20+ minutes and can't calm himself down.  We were at a park this am and I let him drag me everywhere he wants, and he still threw 2 tantrums - he throws himself down on the ground and refuses to get up.  Sometimes I just sit next to him on the ground and let him whine, but he doesn't stop.  He'll climb/cling onto me and whines/cries until he wears me out (like 20 minutes), then I give in and pick him up to the car or stroller.  I'm so TIRED of this.  

Of course, when we are with others, he's like a total different toddler and not clingy at all.  We went on vacation with my parents last week and they kept commenting on how well-behaved he is and how he never throws a tantrum (which was true - he only threw 1 major tantrum in 5 days).

Oh, Momma! That sounds exhausting. I hope he out grows this phase soon. You are so good to give him all this attention.   >:D<

TJ1979

@pb_bride‌ Do you think he is old enough to start reasoning with? For example tell him that you will hold his hand for 1 minute, then he has to let go? Or see if he will accept something else, like maybe wearing one of your hair ties on his wrist, or holding something of yours in his hand? Sort of like a security blanket, but tied to you somehow? Just a thought.

pb_bride

@TJ1979, it doesn't seem like he understands reasoning yet.  He's Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde from day to day. Yesterday he was a peach; this morning back to a monster.  I had to physically sit next to him when he played - the second I got up (I told him I had to get the laundry) - he started crying.  Then we went out to a college campus (thinking lots of greens and few people), but he refused to go in. Instead, he dragged me to walk on the sidewalk along the campus.  My index & middle fingers were getting numb from his death grip, so I asked him to switch to my ring & pinkie fingers.  He THREW A FIT!  Kept prying my hand open so he could get my index & middle fingers back.  Can you believe this?  Finally he calmed down, but he had dragged me downhill 1/4 mile on the sidewalk, then refused to walk back up to the car.  He threw himself down on the asphalt and squirm/wriggle/kick.  I sat down on the sidewalk next to him and he continued for 10 minutes.  I finally gave in and had to carry him UPhill back to the car.  Hoping to get Dr. Jekyll when he wakes from his nap.  Thanks for letting me vent.  

STL34

((HUGE HUGS)) to all of you.

@chiwifey, I was tested for fragile x because of my DOR at 31 (actually found out I was DOR at 30).  I am not a fragile x carrier just one of the lucky women with the DOR diagnosis for no known reason.  I hope you find out the same.  I do know there have been women on the IF boards with fragile x that have gone on to use their own eggs and have babies who are not carriers.  So, you may have options even if you are a carrier.  But, I hope you don't have to worry about it.  I know the waiting is torture, though.  

My pity party:  I'm sorry, this is long.  I am having a very VERY rough time right now.  We have spent so much money (we are completely OOP for fertility testing, treatment and meds) on trying to get pregnant and have not had luck.  I am not in a place where I can accept this.  I hate that money is likely going to end this quest.  Especially since I went to school forever and work long hours to make really good money and it seems that it is all just thrown away.  Then we keep having unexpected issues.  We finally got around to replace our deck which has been in bad shape since we bought our house and found out that the ledger board and some other things weren't installed properly which has caused extensive structural damage to our house.  I do not even know how we can pay for this!  Not to mention needing a vacation and not being able to take one (or afford to go anywhere; our vacation in May was short and a staycation).  I am about at my wits end!  

To add to everything, my ankylosing spondylitis has been flaring so much lately.  I am currently taking a bunch of immune meds that mean I can't TTC right now.  I know these flares are not helped by the stress from work (especially with all the other stresses related to infertility added on).  Additionally, exercise is one of the best things for AS (when you can do it) and even when I get a flare under control between work and having a family, I do not have time to exercise much.  

Thanks for listening to my vent!