Step daughter jealousy

Kjoylace36

I'm a first time mom at 36. My husband has an 8 yr old that I've been a part of her life too since she was less than a year. She has been staying with us for the summer. And every weekend during the school year. She's exhibiting extreme jealousy and keeps saying why is the baby getting new clothes and a new bed. However, she'd always get new clothes and new toys very often. We go far and beyond to make everything fair but I feel like she doesn't want the baby at all. I hope once the baby is born this subsides. I make her a part of everything we do or prepare for the baby. For the baby shower I let her make a poster , do a speech, and help with the presents. The next day my husband took her shopping. None of this worked. After all that she still continues to display more jealousy than ever. I'm running out of things to do. I watch how she gets upset and tie up the dogs by their necks and paws. I feel a bit worried about turning my back on her with the baby. Any advice. ?

2redtulips

Has your husband sat down with her and talked to her about how she's still important in the family and that a baby won't change that?

She's old enough that I don't think extra shopping trips or things are the answer. It sounds like she just needs some emotional reassurance.

Also, older siblings in nuclear families also struggle with new baby jealousy. It's normal. Help her talk through her feelings, but don't make a huge fuss. Try to play up the positive aspects of being a big sister. She's still young enough that she's likely to enjoy helping with the baby once he/she arrives.

Finally, don't let this sap your joy at having your first baby. It's ok for you to enjoy this time.

Your stepdaughter will adjust. Sending good thoughts that she starts to get excited.

2redtulips

One more thought: You said you were involving her in baby projects and such. Maybe she's feeling like everything is all baby all the time? Maybe come up with a project you can do together that has nothing to do with the baby? Also, talk to her about the cool big kid things she can do that babies can't.

CreativeD1

This sounds like typical sibling rivalry, it is just starting very early.    Perhaps gently reminding her that she had the benefit of everything that baby has - a shower, new clothes, new bedroom set when she was a baby, etc. will be helpful.  I also agree that making some time for emotional reassurance might be helpful by getting her excited about all of the positive changes a new sibling will bring.  It is tough because not only is she older, but she is an only child currently and naturally she assumes that her time and financial resources will be cut in half to make room for baby.  By discussing the positives hopefully that will outweigh any negative thoughts she has in her mind.    I also would advocate asking her why she feels this way so that you know for certain what her issues are.  What does she say when you discuss why she is tying up the animals as an example?  I wish you the best of luck!!

Bigboneded

I'm concerned that she is tying up the animals in what sounds to be an abusive way... Yes, talk to her, maybe talk to her mother- what is she doing on that end? Consider counseling before retail therapy for an 8 year old. You cant possibly buy her as much as the new baby is getting... baby has nothing, 8 yr old has everything she needs already, giving her more is not keeping it fair right now.

Again, animal abuse is a HUGE red flag in childhood behaviors.... consider counseling. And trust your instincts about leaving her alone with the baby.

leela02

I agree with @Bigboneded. I've seen kids her age (nieces/family friends) throw tantrums and make jealous comments about their younger siblings, but that's the extent of their reactions. Exhibiting animal cruelty is not normal and indicates a high risk of violent behavior towards people later on if she doesn't get help.

jengalbraith818

As you can see from my signature, I know what you are going through. I have three from a previous marriage and my husband has 1. His daughter has always been the center of attention when she is with us (we have her Thursday through Sunday year round and my three all summer and school vacations) when she found out I was pregnant with our angel baby, she pitched a fit to another level. She has a half sister by her mother whom she hates and I am sure that was part of it. What helped with her was reassuring her that we still loved her and that she was special. Also that being a big sister is a privilege not a burden. I agree with finding non baby things to do with her so that she knows things won't completely change.

allrightmeow

What kind of relationship do you have with her?  At 8 years old I think she'd be old enough to understand why the baby needs things.  Have you explained to her why the baby needs things?  Have you talked to your DH about her behaviors in general and with the animals?    Children have to learn at some point that just because someone else gets something doesn't mean that have to get something too.  Like that's not about being "fair". That's just real life.  Please please don't take this the wrong way.  It sounds like she is super spoiled.  All the extra shopping might only be making the problem worse.

With her cruelty towards the dogs, I wouldn't leave her with my baby to go use the bathroom.  

rebahenderson

I can totally understand what your going through.  I am 38 years old expecting my first child, my husband has two from a previous marriage.  It doesn't seem to be the kids actually having a problem it is the ex wife putting it into the kids heads that their daddy won't love them anymore.  I am ecstatic about this baby.  They are coming for their weekend visit this week and we are going to sit the kids down and explain that they have nothing to worry about daddy loves them just as much.  But the point is they have to go home to their evil mother. 

fromvatobk

My guess is she might be feeling worried that everything at her dad's house is about the baby right now because, let's face it, it sort of has to be as you prepare the nursery, etc.  She might be looking for some non-baby related activities that you all can do together (not shopping) as reassurance that there is still room in your lives for other things.  Even though you may feel like you are doing that, she may not perceive it yet. Also, how is your relationship with her mother?  It is always possible that her mother has told her that you all won't have time for her after baby is born, etc. and that is weighing on her.  Perhaps you can get her to talk to you about what is going on if you set aside some time for just you and her (or you her and dad) to do something fun that requires time  (not money) and is not baby-related.  I also agree with  pp that animal abuse is a huge red flag and you may want to consider counseling for her as well.  Good luck.

alexesq33

Yikes, everyone has said this, but the animal cruelty is a HUGE red flag.  Could just be frustration/immaturity but could be much worse - DO NOT leave her alone with the baby.  Also I would definitely agree to get her counseling.  Good luck to you!