You girls understand, right? [long]

leslies75 · January 2009

I just need to vent.

IF sucks. We all get that. Our husbands get it, but not quite as well as we do. Some of our friends and family get it too, but again, not nearly as well as we do. Being a female forces us to feel things so much more intensely, simply because we are girls, but it really comes down to the fact that we are also the ones who are enduring the hell of IF, because we are the ones who are trying to get pregnant.

I am in the midst of trying to pick donor sperm right now. Clearly this is a huge decision - something that DH and I need to take our time with. And we are, because we have a tremendous amount of love for each other and we desperately want to start a family together...but still he tells me that I need to find a donor profile that I like. And I can't help but think...I like you. I want you. I can't get my emotions out of this decision, but DH can. DH can scan through the profiles of the donors with a complete detachment and see them as just a donor, nothing more. And he's right...that's all donor #2397 will be. But I am still feeling all emotional as I plunge into this decision making. Why is that? Why can't I just scan and click like DH? DH tells me that he'll get emotionally attached once we're pregnant. I guess that makes sense, after three years of nothing, what's the point in wasting the emotional energy? But you know what, I've thrown loads of emotional energy out into the universe...and I am not ashamed of it.

I feel. Girls feel.

And girls dealing with IF feel even more.

USArmyWifeToBe · January 2009

I am sorry girl. I bet that is hard. I couldn't imagine all you've got to consider before picking one. It is a big decision, this is going to be half of your child. I can see how that can be an emotional roller coaster and make you feel unsure of which one to pick or choose. You guys should do it together, ultimately this child will be 1/2 you and 1/2 donor...of course you want it to be your husband thats why making sure you both choose is important. Well I would think anyways, I can't relate to going through that, but I would be just like how you are. I am sorry and I hope you two can choose one together soon and move on with things. Best of luck.

WhiteysWifey · January 2009

I completely understand. We're doing our 3 IUI this saturday with donor sperm: I'm still sad that I can just pick DH, that the one person I would want, is not an option. It sucks.

The one thing that helped both DH and I was to view donor sperm as a form of adoption, but that we get to experience it all from the beginning. To me this mindset was a bit more difficult, because any child would be biologically mine. Once I knew that DH would love this child just as much regardless I was much more at peace.

Good luck. None of this is easy and you're right...girls do feel more.

KayJayDee · January 2009

Having been in your exact same shoes... I know how you feel. ?Completely. ?Looking through profiles was like answering a personal ad knowing I'd never meet this person, yet was choosing to have their child. ?So weird!! ?You'll get past the weirdness though. ?You'll get attached. ?We have "spermicles" in storage and we talk about them as though they were already our children. ?When we lost 2 vials due to a tank malfunction a couple of months ago my dh almost cried. ?We are attached to our spermicles because we connected in some way to the donor. ?He reminded us both of my h and we honestly feel like if my h can't have children, then this donor is the next best thing. ?We are both so excited to get pregnant and have OUR baby, because this has truly begun to feel like how it was meant to be for us. ?If it makes you feel better, we sifted through dozens and dozens of profiles before we found "the one." ?It felt right. ?I hope you get there too.

ghjunkie · January 2009

I know exactly what you're saying and I do not envy you in one bit. I went through that process, but couldn't go through with it. (even if it is MY age...I still would like my genes......it's a weird feeling of loss I have gotten since my parents & sister died last year - really weird...it's what made us try so hard so fast....and for so long...)

DH was just like yours. They all are.

Face it, they only think with ONE side of their brain ~ we think with BOTH sides of our brain.

That's what makes us psycho!

Best of luck!!!

militarywife2b · January 2009

I am so sorry that you have to deal with any of this ((((Hugs)))) We as women are just more emotional creatures, during our last m/c I shut down but I looked at my DH and he was still continuing on and I was mad until we sat down and talked and I realized he is more of an internalizer but we were still feeling the same pain.

hopecounts · January 2009

I'm sorry I know it's hard. Keep in mind that part of his distance from it may be b/c of the donor angle. I know when it came to choosing our egg donor it made it easier if I thought of them as nothing more than the donor. It made the giving up of the genetic link a little easier if I kept it as cut and dry as possible.

Good luck w/ it all.

epphd · January 2009

Hey lady. The donor angle is HARD. It's hard for me knowing that I won't have a bio connection, but in the back of my mind I always have the fact that I will get to carry the child. In the case of donor sperm, the same can't be said - I think if your DH is holding it together, he's doing a great job. And the reality is - knowing that "our" baby won't be "our"s genetically, makes me worried that I won't be able to bond with the baby. Of course, intellectually I *know* that EVERY donor egg recipient I have read about bonds immediately and without a single second thought with their baby...but that happens when the baby is born. So I know that even while I carry our baby, I'll wonder.

That said, it's super important that you both feel good about your donor. I couldn't stand the thought of DH alone choosing our donor - I would worry that he was looking for someone who had all of the attributes he wished I have. I know that's not the case, but that's why I want us BOTH to feel good about her. The same is true for DS - you don't want your DH to ever feel like you had ulterior motives in choosing a donor. He has to be involved.

And he will - this is just hard for everyone.

I have to ask though - what happened to using his twin? I must have missed something - it seemed like such a perfect solution....

Either way, my dear - hang in there.

Elizabeth

ked1068 · January 2009

Oh Leslie...my heart is hurting for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling facing this donor sperm cycle. I really have no words that can help make you feel any better...just know that I'm here if you need to talk.

This is SO hard on us...it isn't fair. But you are NOT alone.

caityr · January 2009

Leslie-Page SeaSoul on SAIF. She posted something so beautiful on here the other day regarding her son and her DH and son. I am not in your shoes but I feel the pain of IF and its way diff than how my DH feels/deals. I hope you are able to find peace with a donor and move ahead to get your beautful baby.

Goldengirl16 · January 2009

Hi there,

Sorry if I'm posting late, but we are currently doing IUI's with donor sperm as well. When we found out DH had no sperm (only 1 after testicular biopsy and it wasn't good), I had to grieve. It was horrible, I cried and cried. My Dh is the type of person who cried about it once or twice and then figured he couldn't change it, so he's fine. I mourned the loss of knowing I'd never have a little boy who looked like my DH. I had panic attacks and anxiety and depression for a bit where I didn't even want to get out of bed and DH couldn't understand it.

Then I tried to get past it and started looking through the many different banks and profiles. DH said almost the same exact thing, he wanted ME to pick out a few different profiles and we'd decide together. I spent days and days and hours and hours going through tons of different profiles and he took 5 minutes and made a decision after I showed him who I liked. That was his way of coping with it. I didn't want to push him since I know that's the only way he can handle this even if I wanted him to spend the hours with me.

We finally decided on one and are testing this weekend from our second IUI. The donor's numbers were not great, so now we have to pick another one if it doesn't work out.

It's an extremely emotional journey and I'd be happy to talk further with you if you'd like, just page me. I'm here most every day. Just know that you are not alone and there are many of us going through it. This board has helped me a ton whether it be for support or to answer my silly questions or to hear other's experiences.

I hope we both get the beautiful baby we wish for!

craschi · January 2009

Sorry for the late post. I know what you are going through because I am going through it too. We havent' gotten to the point of selecting a donor yet, but I have looked around on all the different we sites. Once we're in a place where we can move forward w/our D-IUI, I have asked my dh to really be a part of the selection. I think his initial reaction is to be like yours - kinda detatched from the selection. I can understand his point, but in the end, I really would like him to be part of the process.

Remember that you are not alone. There is an Azoospermia check in on Thursdays. Some of the members have already gone through D-IUI and had children. They have been a great resource for me to see how other couples dealt with the process, and came out on the other side.

Good luck to you~

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