Lets talk about guardians for your child(ren) - LONG

itsmyturn2 · January 2009

We are going away soon without DS for about a week. I'm looking forward to it, but the plane crash in the Hudson River really unnerved me. The logical sane part of me knows the chance of anything ever happening is small but I am still worried. The thought of my son being alone without either MH or I really upsets me.

So I was talking with MH last night about making sure we pick guardians before we leave. I thought we had agreed on my brother and his wife - and I guess I was wrong. MH doesn't want them now because my brother is unemployed (he just lost his job and I truly believe he will get another as soon as he can - its just how we were raised) and because they live 2500 miles away (which would mean DS would be away from both sets of grandparents). He is also concerned about there style of living (they do horrible things like camping and don't have cable-:-) ), as MH is very pampered. I can understand the distance thing - I get that, but we don't really have other options.

We could select either set of grandparents but I want DS to grow up in a family with "siblings" if anything were to ever happen to us. I also don't want to burden the grandparents, although burden is a strong word and I know either would take him and care for him in a minute. MH also suggested some friends, but I have a hard time picking friends when we have family who are willing and able.

Sorry this is so long - I guess what I'm looking for is some insight into your thought process and where you ended up with this.

Thanks!

Strawberrywine · January 2009

What a great question. My DH and I had trouble with this too.

Ultimately we remembered that it wasn't set in stone and at the moment who we wish woul raise our children, just weren't ready. We plan on swapping when they are, but i'm confident that who we chose right now would be the best choice. ultimately, i don't want anyone raising my children but me. so no one is perfect.

Max'smom · January 2009

DH and I don't agree either. It is something that we both feel strongly about but don't like to talk about. We need to come up with some sort of plan. My first choice would be my parents, however they are in their 60s. Then I would want my brother, and thridly my best friend. DH wants his brother. There are reason for and against all of our choices. The bottom line is that what is best for DC is to have a will in advance, if something were to happen you both you would no longer have a say. And then it could get truly complicated. I think what we are going to do is make a list of pros and cons for each choice on our own and then seek guidence from a thrid party (for us it will be our pastor).

AggieDee · January 2009

We chose my brother and SIL. They have the same parenting philosophies as we do, are financially stable, mature, already very involved in our lives.

MrsDR1015 · January 2009

DH and I selected DD's godparents before she was born. In the event of anything unfortunate happening, DD will either go to live with my sister or my BIL.

My sister has a little boy DD's age, which would be nice, but BIL is more stable financially, and I think that, even though he's never had any children of his own (and probably won't), he would step up to the plate and take care of DD the best way that he knew how, which is all anyone can ask for.

Another reason that I lean toward BIL being DD's guardian if anything should happen is that he lives in the same city as MIL and FIL, and my dad lives just 4 hours from where they live (we currently live with my dad).

I would, personally, never ask either set of grandparents to take responsibility for DD should anything happen to DH or I, because they've already raised their children, they shouldn't have to raise mine. Plus, MIL and FIL are both in their early 60's, and my dad is in his mid-50's.

These are, of course, only my feelings and opinions on the matter, but I hope that they help you to see that you're not the only one who has thought about this, and that they will make you feel as comfortable as possible with your own decision.

franciscaz · January 2009

This was a challenge for us as well. Face it, most of us will never have an ideal situtation! We thought of non-family as well but quickly realized they wouldn't want to spend Christmas with our families and that is important. For us w/14 siblings we had lot to choose from and everyone had pros/cons. For example my family was not religous and look down on my faith so that nullified them b/c our faith is so important to us. DH's family all have thier issues and many are judgemental prudes. Finally we found one brother and SIL who are good honest people. They respect me and would do everything possible to spend time with my family. You need to write a pro/con list. Whoever wins, wins!

JDB3358 · January 2009

Ugh...we had a horrible time with this, but like you, we are going on vacation soon without DD and had to have everything in order just in case. We were both set on DH's sister, she was in a stable relationship and getting married, and overall seemed to have things in order. Right before we signed the papers, things changed. She called it off with her fiance and has had a very unstable party lifestyle since. So we had to change our minds for now. We both did not want to "burden" our parents with a 1 year old, as they are getting ready to retire and begin really enjoying their lives. But due to the current circumstances, we ended up choosing my parents for now until things become more stable in my SIL's life. Once that happens, we will change things over to her. Like others have said, you can always change your mind...it is not set in stone.

BNLgirl07 · January 2009

DH and I are pretty much in agreement on this issue, thankfully. We plan to get our will done this spring after we get our income tax money to pay the lawyer. But should anything happen to DH and I, my sister and BIL will be taking care of DD. My sister is a SAHM of 2. (DH and I are also listed as guardians of my nieces).

Pesky · January 2009

We looked at our options first. Fortunately, we didn't have to go outside of family because we each come from families of 3 kids. So parents, brothers and sisters. We ruled out the parents due to age (we are older, so so are they) and the brothers because their parenting style just didn't mesh with ours. That left the sisters, who, although very different (one is conservative, one liberal, one churchgoing, one atheist, etc.), would have similar parenting styles and overall values to us. Currently, my sister would be the guardian because his sister is still doing grad work and just isn't at a place in life where she could probably take kids in at that point. Whereas my sister has 2 of her own with her DH and one on the way so it would work. And my sister is big on family so I know would make sure the kids saw DH's family as much as mine.

Kismet · January 2009

We have such a hard time with this too. One of DHs requirements is that he wants someone who knows BOTH him and I and can tell DD about us one day when she has questions. My mom watches her through the day now, and she's an obvious and willing choice, but she is getting older, and honestly I'm not sure if she has the ability to be spry enough to be a sole caregiver for DD for the next 18 years. His parents.... ugh... I just don't know. We both have misgivings there. Siblings? My brother is the next obvious choice, but his children have now all left the nest, and we don't know if he's willing to start that phase over in life again. Our other siblings are just out for various other reasons.

So we're stuck.... not sure what to do.

happy-honey · January 2009

We haven't decided either. Our problem is choosing between family and friends. We won't choose grandparents as that isn't fair to them or our child, however I'm not 100% keen on our siblings either. For me it is a question of finances, religion and parenting philosophy. Unfortunately none of our family meets those requirements in whole so we aren't sure which is better to go with friends that see eye to eye with us or family for the sake of family.

suzymarie · January 2009

We had the discussion about 5 times, and every time we decided, and every time DH conveniently "forgot" that we picked my parents. He thinks it "isn't fair" that it isn't someone from his family.... Well dear, your sister smokes, is sporadically employed, and is shacking up with her boyfriend. Your parents are both in their mid 60's. see the problems here?

My parents are 50, and in good health, and share parenting philosophies (which honestly is my #1 priority). When my younger brother and sister are a bit more stable, we will switch it to one of them- probably my sister, again because of the parenting philosophy thing.

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