Whine: I'm feeling hormonal and attacked on my local board (long)

lanielove · January 2009

One of my twin mom friends paged me to ask me about a Multiples class I attended. I responded to her question and said that I didn't feel like I got anything out of the class because all 3 examples in the class were women in their 40s (class average was probably 30ish) who had twins "naturally".

ETA: I actually discussed in my post that ALL 3 examples SAID they thought they were in menopause. That was not my assumption. It was not age-related. It was IF/natural related, which is what p*ssed off another mom.

My comment - TO MY FRIEND - was that I didn't think those pregnancies compared to mine, so I got less out of the class.

Some other people jumped into the post to ask me what I meant by my statement that "Not to sound like a total biotch, but spontaneous twins and IF twins are NOT the same kind of pregnancy."

When I explained with: "but when you struggle to get pregnant for years and spend your entire life savings to get pregnant, you have a very different perspective on your pregnancy than someone who "accidentally" got pregnant when they thought they were already in menopause" . . .

I feel like I got totally attacked.

Can I get a little love and support from my SAIF girls???

groovygrl · January 2009

well...you're sort of making an assumption that everyone over 40 accidentally got pregnant & thought they were menopausal (avg age of menopause is 50 and plenty of ppl get pregnant on purpose after 40...). it also makes it sound like ppl with IF value their pregnancy more or that the pregnancy/baby should be valued more.

Sorry it got kind of mixed up in the wording!

pamela-matt · January 2009

I can see both sides. I am sure you were not trying to put down others and that hormones made the entire situation worse. Let it pass.

Aaron'sAlli · January 2009

I know what you mean. Not only were they not in your age group, but they did not have similar experiences to yours. I can understand wanting to find a group that you can more identify with! People are too sensitive and need to chill out. I hate when people take something so innocnet and twist it like that...

schmoodle · January 2009

I understand your feelings about your pregnancy not being comparable to the examples in the class, but I can see why some would take issue with your characterization of the 40+ twin moms. I'd try to just forget about it, sorry they made you feel bad.

groovygrl · January 2009

Aaron'sAlli:
I know what you mean. Not only were they not in your age group, but they did not have similar experiences to yours. I can understand wanting to find a group that you can more identify with! People are too sensitive and need to chill out. I hate when people take something so innocnet and twist it like that...

I don't know, I guess I'm being devil's advocate, but what about the flip side- people doing IF treatments often know (and are often happy about) that multiples are a great possibility, what about the people who only intended one child (or none at all) & end up with multiples, which may put an unintended strain on them financially, physically emotionally... I think we never know what others' situations are, just like they don't know ours.

jodynjames2005 · January 2009

I am sure you didn't mean to be rude, but what you posted is pretty rude. I can see why someone would be offended by that. It's not worth fighting over.

FWIW, I've had two twin pregnancies. One natural and one through IVF. They were almost exactly the same. I don't really know why you would assume that the pregnancy itself will vary that much from the pregnancy of a woman who conceived without fertility treatments. It's still a twin pg and I'm sure you could get plenty out of their stories.

lanielove · January 2009

I know my whine is a little brief and doesn't take all of the info into account. Let me try to explain. The teacher of the class (mid 40s) that I attended told us she thought she was close to menopause and released 2 eggs and had twins. Then, we watched a twin video and the woman in the video thought she was in menopause and was surprised to find out (at like a 6 month ultrasound when she was measuring HUGE) that she had twins. Finally, a family came to talk to our class. The mom said that she'd already had 2 kids and thought her body was done, and was surprised to find out that she was pregnant (and more surprised that it was twins).

I wasn't assuming that these people were in menopause based on their age (I'm a nurse, so I know what those numbers should mean). My comment was based on all 3 discussing that they thought they were in/near menopause.

And I didn't mean to indicate that there was more "value" in a non-IF pg. My point was more related to the FEARS r/t an IF pregnancy (risk-wise). And how all 3 of the people representing a "multiple" pregnancy didn't reflect my own story.

roaringrock · January 2009

as an "older" mom I can see where some of those women were coming from. "menopause" and "40" in the same sentence -- not so cool. but like schmoodle said, try to forget about it and move on.

Aaron'sAlli · January 2009

groovygrl:

Aaron'sAlli:
I know what you mean. Not only were they not in your age group, but they did not have similar experiences to yours. I can understand wanting to find a group that you can more identify with! People are too sensitive and need to chill out. I hate when people take something so innocnet and twist it like that...

I don't know, I guess I'm being devil's advocate, but what about the flip side- people doing IF treatments often know (and are often happy about) that multiples are a great possibility, what about the people who only intended one child (or none at all) & end up with multiples, which may put an unintended strain on them financially, physically emotionally... I think we never know what others' situations are, just like they don't know ours.

I understand what you are saying, but that doesn't seem to be the point here. Whether they are happy with their pregnancies or not is a non-issue as well as their finances.

She was unhappy in her group because they were not in her age group. I can understand that. Older mothers have different risks/ complications. That is a medical fact. All I was saying is that I can understand that a lot of the issues/topics raised may not be relevant to her. My hospital offers a group for IF pregnancies (multiple and singleton) to better serve the needs of each new mother. That group didn't fit her needs and she shouldn't be criticized for stating why when asked.

Aaron'sAlli · January 2009

roaringrock:
as an "older" mom I can see where some of those women were coming from. "menopause" and "40" in the same sentence -- not so cool. but like schmoodle said, try to forget about it and move on.

I am really not trying to be rude here at all, so please don't take it that way, I just wanted to say that I didn't think anything of it when she mentioned older moms in their 40's going into menopause because all of the women in my family went into menopause at that age...My point in responding to you is maybe her experiences were similar to mine and she thought that was normal at that age, just like I did. Again, no offense, I just thought that was the age that menopause happened. Sorry!

groovygrl · January 2009

Aaron'sAlli:
groovygrl:

Aaron'sAlli:
I know what you mean. Not only were they not in your age group, but they did not have similar experiences to yours. I can understand wanting to find a group that you can more identify with! People are too sensitive and need to chill out. I hate when people take something so innocnet and twist it like that...

I don't know, I guess I'm being devil's advocate, but what about the flip side- people doing IF treatments often know (and are often happy about) that multiples are a great possibility, what about the people who only intended one child (or none at all) & end up with multiples, which may put an unintended strain on them financially, physically emotionally... I think we never know what others' situations are, just like they don't know ours.

I understand what you are saying, but that doesn't seem to be the point here. Whether they are happy with their pregnancies or not is a non-issue as well as their finances.

She was unhappy in her group because they were not in her age group. I can understand that. Older mothers have different risks/ complications. That is a medical fact. All I was saying is that I can understand that a lot of the issues/topics raised may not be relevant to her. My hospital offers a group for IF pregnancies (multiple and singleton) to better serve the needs of each new mother. That group didn't fit her needs and she shouldn't be criticized for stating why when asked.

No, what she said in her post was that ppl who are pg w/ twins from IF treatments have a different "perspective" on their pregnancy, insinuating that they value it more or have some sort of higher sense about pregnancy or pregnancy with twins. It may not have been what was MEANT but my point was that just based on the words that were presented, others could jump to judgments, just as she appeared (in the original post) to be judging those who came to be pg with multiples 'naturally, without knowing (again from the original post, pre-explanation, & in general) anything about their situations.

I totally get why that group wasn't for her. It might not be for me either, but unfortunately, in an online environment, you have to be careful with your words because the readers are not going to know all those details.I don't blame the women for being offended. I don't think the OP should spend too much time on it, it is just a misunderstanding.

Karma1969 · January 2009

roaringrock:
as an "older" mom I can see where some of those women were coming from. "menopause" and "40" in the same sentence -- not so cool. but like schmoodle said, try to forget about it and move on.

agreed

Aaron'sAlli · January 2009

groovygrl:
Aaron'sAlli:
groovygrl:

Aaron'sAlli:
I know what you mean. Not only were they not in your age group, but they did not have similar experiences to yours. I can understand wanting to find a group that you can more identify with! People are too sensitive and need to chill out. I hate when people take something so innocnet and twist it like that...

I don't know, I guess I'm being devil's advocate, but what about the flip side- people doing IF treatments often know (and are often happy about) that multiples are a great possibility, what about the people who only intended one child (or none at all) & end up with multiples, which may put an unintended strain on them financially, physically emotionally... I think we never know what others' situations are, just like they don't know ours.

I understand what you are saying, but that doesn't seem to be the point here. Whether they are happy with their pregnancies or not is a non-issue as well as their finances.

She was unhappy in her group because they were not in her age group. I can understand that. Older mothers have different risks/ complications. That is a medical fact. All I was saying is that I can understand that a lot of the issues/topics raised may not be relevant to her. My hospital offers a group for IF pregnancies (multiple and singleton) to better serve the needs of each new mother. That group didn't fit her needs and she shouldn't be criticized for stating why when asked.

No, what she said in her post was that ppl who are pg w/ twins from IF treatments have a different "perspective" on their pregnancy, insinuating that they value it more or have some sort of higher sense about pregnancy or pregnancy with twins. It may not have been what was MEANT but my point was that just based on the words that were presented, others could jump to judgments, just as she appeared (in the original post) to be judging those who came to be pg with multiples 'naturally, without knowing (again from the original post, pre-explanation, & in general) anything about their situations.

I totally get why that group wasn't for her. It might not be for me either, but unfortunately, in an online environment, you have to be careful with your words because the readers are not going to know all those details.I don't blame the women for being offended. I don't think the OP should spend too much time on it, it is just a misunderstanding.

We can agree on something then...this is ridiculous...I still stand by by statement that people are too sensitive. I have a very different perspective about my pregnancy after IF than my non IF friends do on theirs. They are different because of the struggles faced and in a few cases. the value placed on the pregnancy. You don't have to agree with me though and I don't have to agree with you. Signing off.....

groovygrl · January 2009

Aaron'sAlli:
I have a very different perspective about my pregnancy after IF than my non IF friends do on theirs. They are different because of the struggles faced and in a few cases. the value placed on the pregnancy. You don't have to agree with me though and I don't have to agree with you. Signing off.....

So true, we can agree to disagree . I was just saying I understood why people would have been offended. It all depends on your perspective & perceptions, no?

Mrs.Reem · January 2009

I think you definitely should have worded your discussion differently no matter how you look at it.

There are plenty of non IF parents who are very scared about their twin pregnancies. Always remember not to blanket a statement. It will almost always offend someone. Non IF people have not walked in our shoes so they don't understand our emotions just as we've not walked in non-IF shoes and we can't assume how they feel also.

skoorbnibor · January 2009

I am likely the only one who think this way (didnt read all the responses) but I will freely admit (and I am willing to be attacked) that someone who just got pregnant without trying (And I am NOT talking about break cycles) had ANYTHING in common with me during my pregnancy. I went through my pregnancy with my SIL, I love her, but she and I had nothing in common in how we felt about being pregnant. Of course every preg lady is nervous and excited and so on, but there is a difference in getting pregnant 14 days of the pill and getting pregnant 3 years after starting treatment. I am sorry if that makes me bitter, but it is the truth to me.

That said, yeah, you could have worded it a little better... but I got love for you, Lanie!

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