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Blended Families
taagent
member
question for those with both step and bio kids
taagent
member
DH and I are ttc. SD is so excited about the idea of having a little brother or sister she talks about it almost constantly. I am relieved that she is excited and welcoming of the idea but there are some things that she has said that are worrying me a little.
She talks about how she will have to take care of the baby, feed him, change diapers, do baths etc. I told her that she is the big sister she will have fun with him or her and we wont ask her to do those things (except the feeding him when we are in the car and I am not able to be in the back seat). Then yesterday she was talking about how she can't wait to play mommy to the baby when she has a baby brother or sister.
This will be my first child and I am afraid that she will feel like there is a competition between her and I for the baby. I know that I am not pregnant yet and so this is a little while off but the more she talks about it the more concerned I get. I am not sure if this is a rational thought or concern or not. What do you ladies think? Will she be different once we actually are pregnant, or once the baby comes? I am not overly concerned about it now it is just in the last few days she has said these things so has put up some flags.
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Re: question for those with both step and bio kids
Not all that similar I suppose regarding SK and BK. However, the family I nanny for has a 10yo daughter and the babies are almost 1yo now. The older daughter was very excited and was very much a part of things during the pregnancy, sharing the news, etc.
Once the babies arrived she wanted to be helpful and change diapers and hang around as much as possible. However, the novelty wore off pretty quickly. Maybe a day or so even, really. She was helpful and all sometimes. But she was also used to being an active only child. So she got bored taking care of the babies and was off to play with her friends quickly.
So while your SD is likely very excited she likely doesn't understand what all that cares entails, work and time wise. Definitely include her when the time comes with first baths and things like that. Otherwise, I don't think there's much to worry about now. She'll likely still want to go about her own life.
We have a nephew that DH and I watch, he spent the night the first time when he was 2 weeks old. He is now 18 months. SD is on top of him. I have to tell her to stop picking him up, to let him get things himself, she wanted to carry him around from the time he was born but we wouldn't allow her to. She tries to carry him around now but since he learned to walk he doesn't want to be carried around that much.
I hope there isn't anything to worry about... I definitely am not really 'worried' about it now just concerned. Thanks
My SD is 10 (soon to be 11) and my DD is 5 months. SD was so excited to have another baby sister and still is. She is the BEST big sister and my DD just lights up when she is with us. She loves holding her, playing with her, etc. She has a very "mothering" personality.
SD thought that she would be "responsible" for her little sister when she was with us. We cleared that issue up pretty quickly. She is welcome to help when she wants, but it isn't something that we expect of her.
We also try to keep things on the fun side regarding her baby sister, not the work side when she is with us EOW. From the things that she has said, I believe that she may have to watch her younger siblings at BM's house quite frequently.
Does your SD have other siblings?
I am sure the novelty will wear off once the baby arrives and she realizes that there is a lot of work involved that isn't anything like taking care of a baby doll.
SD has older siblings and an older stepsibling so she is currently the youngest. I like the way you put that, I agree she thinks she will be responsible for her younger brother or sister.
I want her to do the fun stuff not the caring for stuff since that isn't her roll. I am glad to hear that others have found that their older kids, stepkids were excited, it wore off after a while. That is what I am hoping for. I am thrilled she wants a sibling and is excited about it.
Another idea if she does end up being a little smothering is provide a distraction. Is there an activity/craft/game she might like? Is there something like that you could get her when you have a baby. Get her something as a big sister gift when the baby is born. Something else fun she can work on to have a distraction and some time to herself here and there. Or a little one on one time with each of you while the other tends to the new baby.
There's a lot of options to help the transition. Though it sounds like she's very stable and in good hands. She'll be a great big sister.
DH and I got her involved with cheerleading, BM took her when she was with her and we took her when she was with us, DH and I attended every game, practice, and event that she was involved in. She didn't do cheerleading last year because of the wedding (our schedule was too busy and money was going to that), it was just too much and BM didn't even ask about it (we paid for everything). This year she will be participating again and she is excited about that. Although if we got pg this month the baby would come just as the season comes to an end.
BM will not help contribute financially to SD's extracurricular activities so it is all on DH and I - which is disappointing since it was so obvious that she enjoyed participating.
There is a class at the hospital here that we will enroll her in too which I hope will help her.
My SD was about the same age and said similar things when I was pregnant. She even said she would change diapers "even though they're gross" What it has turned into is them playing alot, and her telling her "no" when DD hits her, or does something that SD thinks is not right. She has yet to change a diaper, or really "mother" her. They play together alor, adn SD rarely goes overboard. She's been a huge help in keeping DD occupied while we get things done, and even gets up with her to play on the weekends she is here.
I wouldn't be too worried. I think SD had a little bit of jealousy when DD arrived, but we tried to give her more one on one time and that seemed to help.
One thing that seemed to help us is when there is a situation that SD does something to DD that you want to ream her out for, I let her dad handle it. For example, when SD nearly sat on DD (at 1 m old), DH took care of it because he could be more rational since they are both his kids.
I feel bad, I cannot remember if she lives with you or not but that would affect a lot.
The age difference and situations for you and me are different but I will give my advice. Try not to stress over it. Chances are the novelty will wear off quickly for her and even if it doesn't you can include her as much as possible with what you are comfortable about (you probably will not want her changing a poop diaper but might be ok with pee if the baby is on the floor on a blanket, probably will not want her feeding the baby but maybe she is capable and can help sometimes - do you plan on BF or FF? Let her have some time with the baby to bond and you will have your time too - I am by no means saying to change how you want to do things with your baby but her excitement is b/c it's her sibling (not sure if its her first or not). Also, remember that excitement now might not be excitement when the baby comes, takes up your time and cries.
On a side note, you probably will not feed the baby in the car until they are much older, I did it once and quickly regretted it b/c you cannot burp a baby in their car seat! And I was very lucky he did not spit up all over the carseat but many babies would have.
She is with us 50% of the time, I am not sure I will be able BF due to a past surgery... I would like to just don't know.
Thanks again ladies!
Having a baby has actually made me and SD closer. She is 9 and the baby is 5 months. One of the best things I did before hand was a sibling class at the hospital where all the kids (12, 10, and 9_ heard from someone other than me that mom would be tired at first and that babies need lots of attention from mom.