Was it hard to adjust to being a SAHM??

Mrs.Carlybella · January 2009

i am practically in tears here, call it pg hormones or what, but I am not even home yet and having a difficult time

i guess this all stems from my most recent student loan bill- I guess i was in graduated repayment, where they keep the payments low until i guess you are making more money. so all of a sudden my monthly payment went up from 130 bucks to 265.
so now i owe 265 / month for the next 15+ years on student loans.
which is fine- whatever- but i feel like a waste because now i am supposed to be becoming a SAHM, and I HATE the idea of DH taking on my debt, and I feel like it is such a waste to be paying for my masters degree with me not even working.

then i start thinking of gifts and shopping and it is overwhelming.

i know my DH isn't feeling this way and it is all in my head, although we are not there yet where he is paying the bills and things I have been paying (we each have our own list of payment responsibilities right now). I was wondering if the adjustment to the idea of being financially dependent was very difficult for others and if you have advice

thanks!

brightning · January 2009

I still have a monthly student loan and I also feel awful about DH having to pay it. But I don't feel my education is useless, even if I never go back to work.

It was really weird for me when I first began a SAHM because I've always been financially independent. Some things that I used to buy for myself I no longer buy, even though we could afford it, b/c I feel guilty on spending that kind of money (I dye my hair at home now instead of a salon).

DH and I have an agreement that if something is going to cost over $100, we consult each other. We also have a set bill paying schedule - certain bills are paid out of his first check of the month, others are out of the 2nd check - so I always have an idea of how much $ needs to be in the account.

Being a SAHM is a very important job, and we don't get paid for it, so you just have to look at your expenses - even the frivolous ones - as part of your "paycheck." DH does not have to account for every single penny he spends, so I don't either. Assuming you can afford it, there is no reason for you to go without new shoes or whatever just because you don't financially contribute.

Every so often, I withdraw cash and use that as "my" money. If I'm out shopping, I'll stop to have lunch, Starbucks or pick up a gift for a friend, etc. Not that DH cares, but it's nice to have some cash that's not accounted for.

HTH!

stargirlkate · January 2009

i agree, i dont think my education was a waste. and we ll be paying for it for a while still. its tough to get used to not having "my" money. but in the end i think its helping us make better decisions about how to spend money. is there something you can do p/t once the baby comes to help you feel better about staying home? sometimes it just takes a little outside recognition to feel more useful (not to mention feel more in control of your own finances.) or could you try to start living off just dhs income to see how it goes? yours can go into savings or pay ahead on your loan if you can and get it paid down. you might feel better then, knowing its not only possible but that you ll be ok. good luck! i hope you start feeling better about SAH. (and i m glad your dh supports your staying home!)

Chrisy-Wyobride · January 2009

It was a hard adjustment for me...& 4.5yrs into SAH, I still struggle at times. I saddled my DH w/ $275/mo Student Loan payments for the next 25yrs so I know exactly how you feel. DH & I are both in the same profession (we met in Grad school) so I'll admit seeing him succeed, make so much more money in the time I've been home & get promotions in the past 4yrs has always been bittersweet...because now I feel so behind him, when I used to feel equal (actually I made more $$ than him when I quit to SAH). But as hard as it is for me, the idea of dropping my kid off for 10/hours a day at a daycare center is soooo much worse to my own psyche. Some people are OK & can adjust to it, I just know myself enough to know I would be sooo miserable w/ that lifestyle. I rather have no material goods than that...it's just so engrained in me. So I just periodically remind myself that my kids are this little for a very short period of time in the scheme of life & it's worth the sacrifices & loss of control/independence for a few years. I do plan on working/going back to my profession...so I try & enjoy this time & know, I'll have plenty of years to hate my paying job (which I probably will most of the time), so might as well enjoy my life & time w/ the kids now.

lilone_06 · January 2009

To be honest, no, it wasn't hard for me, not in the way you're talking about. I felt that I'd contributed a lot - financially - to our household before I became SAHM, and this is only temporary. As far as education goes, again, since this is just a temporary 'break', I'll use it again someday! In the grand scheme of things, this time will pass very quickly. Don't sweat the small stuff, especially if your DH isn't!

Alexandra*sMom · January 2009

For me, we paid all debt. My hardest adjustment was no social outlet - so I created that!

citygirl_ · January 2009

Honestly, no, not at all. In our relationship, everything is OURS - so my (little) bit of student loan debt was our debt and we both never thought twice about him paying for it. I quite enjoy our traditional roles... it has made our relationship very strong and DH loves providing for us. Talk to your husband and voice your concerns! You might be surprised at his response,

GL!

EastCoastFamily · January 2009

For me, it wasn't hard in the way you're talking about. I knew going into it that it was only going to be for 16.5 months, and we had planned for it financially. Still, there were days that I had freak-out moments, wondering if we could really, really do it ... could I still go to yoga? what about gas? hair cuts? clothes? birthdays and christmas? food? everything we needed for Alyssa? So I just went into overdrive on saving every penny. I am sadly more than halfway through my maternity leave and we're still ok! We've had a few unexpected expenses but we're still fine. We wouldn't be if I wasn't going back at all. But I feel very fortunate that when I go back, our daughter won't be in childcare all day. I teach 2nd grade, and so she'll be there for about 8 hours max, probably a little less.

I don't want to go back, but I'm making it ok in my head and heart. We have a mortgage as we own a house. I have a student loan and a small loan I took out a few years ago, almost paid off but still not yet. I am the insurance carrier when I'm working and it's awesome insurance ... to keep it, we've had to pay quite a lot for it and co-pays and script costs have increased greatly. So, it doesn't make sense for me to stay home for good ... we just can't do it financially, we'd be struggling and we don't want to do that ourselves, as we've never struggled even a little bit before. Now isn't the time to do it. Not w/ a daughter.

If you know that you can afford to do this without becoming broke and house-bound, I say go for it. Do you have the type of job where you can take a certain amount of time off before committing to a complete resignation? As a teacher, that's what we all do, although, like I said before, I knew from the get-go I'd be returning.

Good luck - you will make the right decision.

gatogrrl · January 2009

It took me a while to work through all those feelings. In fact, I'll probably still experience bouts of feeling worried/guilty about money. I was on my own and paid all my expenses for twenty years before become a SAHM. I always felt really in charge of my finances. It was hard ceding that control to my DH, even if it's still shared responsibility.

Since we see my staying at home as a job, his paycheck is split each month into "his" money and mine. His payroll automatically deposits a set amount into my account. After some is set aside in savings, I pay all the household expenses for the month. Whatever is left is mine to do with as I please, just like it used to be when I was paid by my employer. We like this system because we don't have to argue over each other's purchases.

I never feel like my education was a waste. At the very least, it's good for my kid to have an educated mom. It's good for me to have a broader understanding of the world. And I may want, or be forced to go back to work someday, so it was totally worth it.

ali-1411 · January 2009

Financially - no, not at all. I'm obsessive over our finances and budget, so I knew exactly what we could handle.

The hardest part for me has been not falling into a rut. Its very easy to lose track of the days, and before I know it, its Friday and I haven't done a thing all week.

ElizabethD · January 2009

I had super guilt and then quickly got over it.

DH and I did not have children, and he did not work his fairly miserable job, simply so someone else could be with our baby and 3 others in one room in a daycare center.

When you stop and realize it is a gift to your child to be home, it makes you chill out a bit.

And don't worry about the masters. It is GOOD to get an education and you have no idea when or how you'll put it to use. And besides, your brain and intelligence and experiences will directly benefit your parenting skills and child rearing.

mandymack · January 2009

Hi and welcome to the board!!!

I think, like with anything in life, some people adjust easier than others and what concerns one doesn't necessarily concern another. I think it's very natural for you to feel the way you do, about you possibly wasting your education and feeling badly about the debt your husband has taken on and that's OK but maybe try to look at it more positively, if you can:

You have your education, you have all those experiences that helped you to grow up and develop and you will always have that education to help drive you through life, whether you return to work or not! You are also married to a man who fully supports your decision to SAH to raise your family and help care for your home and that is honest, hard work, regardless of the fact that you aren't bringing home a paycheck. Coming to terms with what you will be contributing to your family and realizing how important your role is to your family might help you look past what you aren't getting paid.

I think it's also good to remember that nothing is permanent, should you SAH just not work out for you, for your husband, for the best of your child/children, you can always return to work in some fashion!

Very best of luck with your concerns!!!

BlessedMommy723 · January 2009

I also have student loans of $300/month for a bachelor's degree. It was very hard for me at first to leave my job and have my DH take on my loans. Sometimes I feel bad if I want to go out and go shopping with DD or go and grab lunch with friends because I don't make any money to help out our family. DH doesn't feel this way at all though and is always telling me to go out and stop worrying about it. He's a gem

I don't feel like it's a waste though because eventually I will go back to work.

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Was it hard to adjust to being a SAHM??

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