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Blended Families
jerseygirl81
member
may I crash your board? long, sorry
jerseygirl81
member
Do any of you have adult stepchildren? I'm having some issues with my dad's wife and I'm looking for another perspective on how to handle them.
Long backstory short, she is only 10 years older than I am. She moved in with us when I was 15, only a month after my parents announced their divorce. After the divorce was final she kicked me out of the house. There was lots and lots of drama around the whole situation but I'll spare you the details. (They later moved into a new house where there "wasn't room" for my younger brother and sister, so they came to live with us too)
Over the last 11 years I've rebuilt my relationship with my father, who recontacted me after a near-fatal heart attack. I accept that she is going to have to be a part of my life and I'm ok with that. The problem is the things that she says - she constantly talks about how awful I was as a teenager, how I was a "bad kid," how she struggled to raise three children, etc. She didn't raise us, I only lived in their house for about 4 months (my dad got the house in the divorce). She's extremely racist and a nasty person in general. She thinks nothing of dropping the "n-word" and talks badly about my mother all the time. She also criticizes my parenting choices, which I find incredibly ironic considering she didn't have any children of her own. She complained about the breast milk I had stored in my own fridge because "it's just gross" and told me that I needed to stop anyway because it had been going on long enough.
Now we have a baby, and she wants to be around even more often to play the "gramma" role. Even though the baby isn't old enough to understand what she's saying I still don't want her talking that way in front of him. The last thing I need down the road is for him to start using racist language or asking my mom if she's really a lesbian (not that it matters, but she's not) because he picked it up from her. We kind of got into it at christmas when she made some derogatory comments about our president-elect at dinner (in my house). She also got upset when I asked her not to smoke while she was holding him outside (we're non-smokers).
Anyway, if you've read my rambling to this point I appreciate it. How do you think I should handle this situation? I don't want to be outwardly nasty or disrespectful, but she gets upset when I ask her not to use certain words in my house. Any suggestions for me? I really don't want to put my relationship with my father at risk because of his poor health. I don't think he sees/hears half of what goes on.
Charlie 8.06.08
Emeline 5.28.13
My Blog
Post-Baby PRs
Esri 5K 7.16.2014 - 21:30
Heart Half Marathon 3.16.2014 - 1:43:30
Canton City Marathon 9.8.14 - 3:30:56
Emeline 5.28.13
My Blog
Post-Baby PRs
Esri 5K 7.16.2014 - 21:30
Heart Half Marathon 3.16.2014 - 1:43:30
Canton City Marathon 9.8.14 - 3:30:56
This discussion has been closed.
Re: may I crash your board? long, sorry
I'm only a lurker on this board, but I felt pretty compelled by your situation. My father is remarried (has been for a long time) to a woman I don't particularly like. She has trouble with honesty (always about bizarre stupid things there's no reason to lie about) and she's generally weird. But she's not a horrible person and she makes my dad happy, so my brothers and I put up with her. So that's generally how I advise people--if she makes your dad happy, then keep the peace and let him be happy.
I think you basically have two choices--follow my example or cut her (and possibly your dad) out of your life. She's not going to change and you can't make her. If you choose not to cut her out, then you need to be proactive with your DS. Talk to him about bigotry and what it is and how wrong it is. Then, when your step-mom makes the comments in front of him, don't let them go--tell him that what grandma said was wrong and that you don't treat people that way. Talk to him aboutthe damage smoking it can do to your body. Talk to him about all of these things before she does and he'll understand that she's wrong and not someone to be parroted. In fact, let's face it--she's not the only bigot or smoker your DS is going to be exposed to. GL! It's a really tough situation.
I think I would do two things. 1. talk to your dad (meet him for dinner/lunch etc - just the two of you). Tell him that you are happy that you are rebuilding your relationship and that you understand he is going to be loyal to his wife and that is fine but there are things that bother you and you want to discuss those things directly with her. That it isn't about him, has nothing to do with him. It is about your relationship with her and you need to deal with her reguarding it but you don't want him to misunderstand your discussion with her, and that no matter what happens with your discussion you hope that he will continue to remain in your life and be a part of your family's life but that you feel disrespected when she enters your home and therefore feel the need to set some boundaries with her.
2. Sit down in a public place and have a woman to woman, adult conversation with her. Tell her that there are things you expect when people come into your home and are around your child and that if she can't abide by them then she will not be welcome in your home, and that will be sad. Tell her it isn't about the past, it isn't about your father - and that you have already told him the conversation has nothing to do with him and you are happy he has reentered your life, it isn't about your mother. It is about her respecting you, your husband, and your home. Tell her your expectations, the not smoking, the use of inapproriate language, the racial slurs, demeaning comments about you and your mother. That it will not be tolerated. That you hope that she is able to understand and respect where you are coming from and if that isn't possible then that is sad that she will not be seeing you and your family as often.
I think the biggest thing is that she has been able to walk all over you and especially your father. I think you need to have the discussion with your father first so that she can't go to him after your conversation and tell him a bunch of BS. Or, if you are comfortable have the discussion with you, your husband, your father, and stepmother. Make sure that you say "I feel", not "You", because she will automatically be defensive. I would also not bring your child over during this discussion and I would have it in a neutral place, hopefully in public to minimize the chance of a tantrum. I would make it clear though the behavior has nothing to do with the past - that is a conversation better had with your father.
The PP suggestion isn't a bad one either, but I don't know whether you have mentioned the issue to your father, if you haven't that may be a good first step.
I'm with taagent - on talking to your father first. You have more of an obligation (probably not the best word to describe) to him than to her.
I would be very clear as taagent is stating. Don't bring up the past and if she brings it up just clearly state "That's not true - you never raised us".
I would also be very clear to her that disparaging comments about your mother aren't allowed either. This one would really burn my ass - she clearly keeps violating your boundries. This crap needs to stop.
Make it clear that if she cannot behave in the way you're asking you're going to have to part ways.
Emeline 5.28.13
My Blog
Post-Baby PRs
Esri 5K 7.16.2014 - 21:30
Heart Half Marathon 3.16.2014 - 1:43:30
Canton City Marathon 9.8.14 - 3:30:56
I am totally on board with Taangent.
I'd be real clear with your step mom about what the rules are in your home and what you not only expect of her, but what you are demanding from her. And make sure she knows that you are prepared to back it up with action.
Then the next time she behaves that way, look her dead in the eye, and calmly tell her, "Please stop or I will have to ask you to leave." If she protests, tell her, "Then I and my husband are going to have to ask you to leave. Now." When she continues to protest, tell her. "It saddens me to do this, but when you are capable of respecting me, my home, and my family, you may return. Until then, you are not welcome in my home." Then your husband should escort her out.
Hey Jerseygirl--
I've followed you since the tri days. Your little boy is so stinking cute!
I agree with Taagent in regards to dealing with your stepmom. She has the right idea. Keep your dad involved, and make sure he's aware of the conversation before hand so that when she does get PO'd at you, he'll know its coming.
Good luck, and keep us posted!
hey there Jersey fancy seeing you here on this board.
I agree with the pps. Talk with your dad, then talk with your stepmom and put your foot down. Be prepared for the backlash it will inevitably cause, but stay strong for baby as he is the priority now.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
I agree with pp - this is no longer a "stepmother/stepchild" issue. You are an adult, with a child of your own, independent of your father and his wife. Your paradigm is not one of needing to respect her, or even your father for that matter, as a parent. They didn't earn that.
I think you need to hardline your household rules. If she cannot be there and follow those rules, and be a positive influence in your child's life, then she needs to not be there. Period.