No sex drive = upset husband

megframe16 · January 2016

My hubs said to me this morning, "do you know we've only have sex twice since we conceived?"....
I am pretty sure there hasn't been one day that has passed where he hasn't brought up having sex

megframe16 · January 2016

I'd why it cut off half of my post...
I feel pressured because he talks about it everyday but I just can't get in the mood.
TMI
He takes forever.. Usually I wouldn't complain but these days I just want a quickie. It just doesn't happen. He says it takes longer because he knows I'm not into it...
Advice? Anyone in the same boat? Am I being ridiculous?

Stephanie7693 · January 2016

I never feel like it anymore either. For the first two weeks after we found out, we didn't have sex. When we finally did, it was way better than I expected. I dont remember awesome pregnancy sex happening so early, but it has this time at least. And because it's not happening much, my hubby goes pretty quick, which is nice since I'm exhausted or were hiding from the kids. It's not ridiculous to feel the way you do, I hope he's at least understanding about it. Mine has been more understanding than I expected.. but keep trying when you can, even if you don't feel in the mood beforehand. You might be surprised one of these days. And if that doesn't work, remind your hubby the second trimester should be better.

kiwico14 · January 2016

I have experienced the same thing with both of my pregnancies. Second trimester tends to be *ahem* feistier. Remind him that his loving patience will (hopefully) pay off soon.

Bubblegum5586 · January 2016

I am waiting for this to happen as well. We had a few years in our relationship where we had a lot of fights due to not enough sex. But so far H has been so amazing and supportive, and when I can, we do and I think he sees that. I have been struggling to do much more then lay around and spend all my extra time sleeping. So I think he really understands how hard this is on my body right now.

SkiChic626 · January 2016

I WISH I had this problem...no, really, I do. My sex drive goes through the roof when I'm pregnant. Unfortunately, I've been on pelvic rest due to FET and then a bleed, so it's really sucked! Finally today my RE gave me the OK to get back at it :-) How far along are you? It may change eventually, so just hang in there!

Scorpiomom84 · January 2016

I am in the same boat! When I was pregnant with my first I was so sick the first 3 months I didn't want anything to do with anyone! My husband was on me like white in rice! This time around he's the same way and it's not because I feel sick I just am not in the mood. He's also complaining about me not going "downtown" in a long time. He knows I have tmj and I'd rather not have my jaw lock up! Anyone else have this issue??

megframe16 · January 2016

@SkiChic626 I am 7 weeks. This is our third and I feel like he should be more understanding but he really isn't. It was never this low with my previous pregnancies. It's to the point where I actually feel repulsed by him

VTutwiler35711 · January 2016

My husband is pretty understanding. I mean my body seriously feels like it can't be turned on, we've/I've tried. He's not pushy though, thank god. Though he never complains about me going down on him. I let him watch me brush my teeth once, he heard all the gagging and throwing up... Yep, that's all that took. High had reflex has happened in all my pregnancies.

imakeeff0rts · January 2016

skelly70 said:

I have experienced the same thing with both of my pregnancies. Second trimester tends to be *ahem* feistier. Remind him that his loving patience will (hopefully) pay off soon.

^This.

He may just need to take care of himself for a little while if you're not up to it.

SkiChic626 · January 2016

megframe16 Uuuugh I'm sorry :-(

amandam925 · January 2016

megframe16, that's awful :-(

I can't imagine the added pressure is helping, either

greenbaypackerbaby · January 2016

I'm in the same boat. Either I'm nauseous or too tired. My husband is not so happy with me either but thankfully he's not pushy.

mimihatesyou · January 2016

i've been on the other side of the fence in a relationship with a low libido partner, and i can understand how difficult the position is when you cognitively understand that it's not a good time and there are biological factors in play- but you still feel sexually frustrated and rejected. it's difficult reconciling the two conflicting thoughts that constantly run through your mind, and it tends to make you feel bitter.

having said that, both of you are still responsible for handling this first trimester dry spell in a loving and empathetic way and it doesn't sound like he's doing that. and that really sucks. for the first time in my life, my sex drive has also plummeted, but i make an effort to reassure my fiancé that things should pick back up again by the second trimester. also i think that telling him "i love you and you're gorgeous but i am gassy and bloated and disgusting right now" helps him understand that my desire for him is always there but my body is a monstrous and dangerous fart machine incapable of sexiness.

kattyleigh · January 2016

I'm having the opposite problem. I'm wildly horny and SO won't touch me because when we had a MC a few months ago it happened literally right after sex. So he's too scared to do it until the Dr says it's ok. I'm going nuts.

DisneyIsabelle · January 2016

Don't worry, it's normal. Don't put pressure on yourself and maybe try to spend time feeling close and intimate without that and maybe it will make you feel more like it. I'm in the same boat as you, DH is very sweet and understanding. His sweetness makes me want to make sure that happens for his sake.. but honestly when you don't feel well it's just not someone you want.

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

I just want to say that I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Have you tried asking him what might make him 'finish' faster? I'd tell him that you love that closeness with him but that you just don't have the energy for really long bedroom sessions right now so quickies would he better.

Try to put yourself in his shoes. You probably wanted it a lot when you were TTC, because, well, you were TTC! Now he might be wondering if that was the only reason you wanted it. Obviously that's likely not the case, but he doesn't know just how miserable we feel during this trimester. Not everyone would agree with me, but I'm a firm believer that we should always be trying to meet our partner's needs (just as they should try to meet ours) so if that means sometimes doing the deed when you're not in the mood, there's nothing wrong with that (and personally, I get into the mood real quick once we get going!). Just like, while I've been pregnant, my hubby has done basically all of the housework. Sure, he doesn't necessarily want to, and it seems kind of unfair that I'm not helping much, but he recognizes that need that I have while I'm exhausted and nauseous and meets it. But again, that's just one perspective.

Hopefully your libido picks up in second trimester.

For most women, it does!

Bubblegum5586 · January 2016

I also want to add that just being close helps. H keeps wanting to just snuggle and be close. It's hard because I just want my space as I feel constantly uncomfortable, but taking the time to cuddle a bit has definitely been helping.

And lol, great advice
mimihatesyou

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

megframe16 said:

My hubs said to me this morning, "do you know we've only have sex twice since we conceived?".... I am pretty sure there hasn't been one day that has passed where he hasn't brought up having sex

Tell him to get the heck over it. You are shouldering the burden of creating a human. Sex isn't the only thing he should be thinking about. Also, remind him that there is nothing in the vagina for 6 weeks post partum. It makes me annoyed that husbands do this. You are his wife and mother of his child-- not his sex machine.

Fremdschamen · January 2016

I'm going to be a bit ragey feminist here and say that any man pressuring a woman who feels uncomfortable, sick, gassy/bloated, exhausted, or just plain nervous about having sex should be ashamed of themselves. Sex is intended to be a consensual act that is about mutual love and respect for one another. Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean that you owe that person any level of sexual contact unless it is something that you feel comfortable participating in. Men do not *NEED* sex to survive. They can go take a friendly shower alone, if need be. The first trimester is hard emotionally and physically. If your man can't respect the fact that you aren't in the mood for sex now, he is in for a rude awakening in August. Missing out on a few sex sessions now is nothing compared to sleeping less than 4 hours a night for 18 months (which I did with our daughter), or waiting 7 months, yes MONTHS, to be able to have sex again after giving birth (which we also had to do because it was just too.damn.painful everytime we tried before that).

TL;DR: Sex should be consensual and these whiny men need to go have a pity party in the shower with some lube.

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

Fremdschamen said:
I'm going to be a bit ragey feminist here and say that any man pressuring a woman who feels uncomfortable, sick, gassy/bloated, exhausted, or just plain nervous about having sex should be ashamed of themselves. Sex is intended to be a consensual act that is about mutual love and respect for one another. Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean that you owe that person any level of sexual contact unless it is something that you comfortable participating in. Men do not *NEED* sex to survive. They can go take a friendly shower alone, if need be. The first trimester is hard emotionally and physically. If your man can't respect the fact that you aren't in the mood for sex now, he is in for a rude awakening in August. Missing out on a few sex sessions now is nothing compared to sleeping less than 4 hours a night for 18 months (which I did with our daughter), or waiting 7 months, yes MONTHS, to be able to have sex again after giving birth (which we also had to do because it was just too.damn.painful everytime we tried before that).

TL;DR: Sex should be consensual and these whiny men need to go have a pity party in the shower with some lube.

THANK YOU!!

fwtx5815 · January 2016

I also agree that one should not have to "be a good sport" with their genitals. Or any orifice, really.

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

Can't these guys just masturbate or something? A partner does not have the right to pester you or even be angry with you over lack of sex. Male* or female. Sex is a bonus, not a right.

Fremdschamen · January 2016

@PrimRoseMama I have a feeling we are going to be friends.

lalalorelai · January 2016

1faceinacrowd said:

I just want to say that I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Have you tried asking him what might make him 'finish' faster? I'd tell him that you love that closeness with him but that you just don't have the energy for really long bedroom sessions right now so quickies would he better.

Try to put yourself in his shoes. You probably wanted it a lot when you were TTC, because, well, you were TTC! Now he might be wondering if that was the only reason you wanted it. Obviously that's likely not the case, but he doesn't know just how miserable we feel during this trimester. Not everyone would agree with me, but I'm a firm believer that we should always be trying to meet our partner's needs (just as they should try to meet ours) so if that means sometimes doing the deed when you're not in the mood, there's nothing wrong with that (and personally, I get into the mood real quick once we get going!). Just like, while I've been pregnant, my hubby has done basically all of the housework. Sure, he doesn't necessarily want to, and it seems kind of unfair that I'm not helping much, but he recognizes that need that I have while I'm exhausted and nauseous and meets it. But again, that's just one perspective.

Hopefully your libido picks up in second trimester. For most women, it does!

I absolutely always try to meet my husband's needs. If he were thirsty and needed a glass of water, I'd go through hell to make sure he had it. But I've spent the last month dry heaving every time I brush my teeth. I can't even imagine what sex would feel like if I weren't 100% into it. That's not sexy.

We're not talking about a systemic problem in someone's relationship. It's a temporary thing caused by creating another human being. And, not to mention, that once the baby is here, you can't have sex for about 6 weeks. If anyone's partner gives them shit for that, please let me know ASAP and I'll get to wherever you are and explain it to him. I can be very succinct.

LittleMissTimeLord · January 2016

1faceinacrowd said:

I just want to say that I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Have you tried asking him what might make him 'finish' faster? I'd tell him that you love that closeness with him but that you just don't have the energy for really long bedroom sessions right now so quickies would he better.

Try to put yourself in his shoes. You probably wanted it a lot when you were TTC, because, well, you were TTC! Now he might be wondering if that was the only reason you wanted it. Obviously that's likely not the case, but he doesn't know just how miserable we feel during this trimester. Not everyone would agree with me, but I'm a firm believer that we should always be trying to meet our partner's needs (just as they should try to meet ours) so if that means sometimes doing the deed when you're not in the mood, there's nothing wrong with that (and personally, I get into the mood real quick once we get going!). Just like, while I've been pregnant, my hubby has done basically all of the housework. Sure, he doesn't necessarily want to, and it seems kind of unfair that I'm not helping much, but he recognizes that need that I have while I'm exhausted and nauseous and meets it. But again, that's just one perspective.

Hopefully your libido picks up in second trimester. For most women, it does!

*********Dirty Lurker Chiming In*********

Just so we're all clear: sex is not a need. Neither are clean dishes. These are not, under any psychologically defined and widely accepted rule, needs.

This is a wonderful and easy read on sex as a need: https://markmanson.net/sex-and-our-psychological-needs but the TL;DR of it is highlighted on the post:

"Sex is a strategy we use to meet our needs and not a psychological need itself."

Framing sex as a need can make a partner feel guilt and shame for not providing what they perceive as a need they are not meeting. This isn't okay. Sex is not something you should do because you feel you are supposed to. Not ever. Not even for your husband. Encouraging this thought process is incredibly dangerous. My husband and I sometimes don't enjoy sex because we're so focused on human making and it's not always sexy, but it's entirely consensual and we're agreed on getting it in. He would never, in a million years, guilt me for not having sex with him because that is, plan and simple, not okay.

Straight up, OP, your husband can go the rest of his life without sex and be perfectly fine. Would he be disgruntled? Sure. Would his penis fall off and and his organs shut down? Sure won't.

Direct him to the nearest shower and let him know when you won't be around.

DisneyIsabelle · January 2016

There's such great points here. Ultimately if you don't want to have sex, don't! But, recognize it may not just be that your husband is missing, maybe some cuddling and just one on one time being romantic and close is just the ticket

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

I see where many of you are coming from. I wasn't saying sex is a physiological need, but everyone has "needs" (or, if you're uncomfortable with that word, substitute "desires" or "preferences") when they enter into a relationship. Sex, for many, is one of those needs/requirements/desires/preferences. Sex is really important to a LOT of people. It has a ton of positive health benefits, it produces endorphins, and it's a special thing that you share with your partner and nobody else.

If you're sick/tired/miserable then no, I'm not saying you should just jump into the sack despite feeling miserable, and my DH absolutely is told "no" sometimes, which he respects. OP said her issue isn't that she's sick/bloated all the time; she said that the main problem is that her DH takes so long, which HE attributed to her "not being into it". So, my advice is essentially to try to get into it, and see what you can do to help him shorten the time it takes. Because sex is obviously important to him, and she didn't explicitly say that she's too sick for sexy time, just that she's not necessarily in the mood.

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

@LittleMissTimeLord That was a really interesting article! Sex may not be a direct physiological need, but it's something that feeds into our needs. Like compliments, for example. My husband tells me that I'm beautiful, thanks me for doing mundane tasks or nice things for our kids, tells me how smart I am, etc. Do I NEED those things to survive? Not at all. Do I really, really want those things, and do they feed into my self-esteem? Yes, definitely! And I think I'd be hurt if he stopped.

Bubblegum5586 · January 2016

Lots of interesting points here and I just want to share more from someone that will sometimes have sex even when not in the the mood.

H has a very high sex drive while mine is on the lower side. Through our 10 years together I have learned that my husband's love language is physical touch (which is much more then just sex), but sex is a big part of it to him. I've realized that if we had sex as often as I wanted it would start at once a week and likely turn to less. The less sex I have, I often desire it less. But when I push myself to have sex more often I notice I want it more and it is more enjoyable. I notice our relationship is better, we are happier and seem more in sync.

So if I ever say "no" then we of course wont have sex, and I wont be pressured. But it is not as black and white as some people are making it out to be, for me it is about the bigger picture.

As far as this lovely 1st trimester when we feel exhausted, nauseous, bloated, etc, of course our husbands should be patient! For me the bigger fear is the challenges we face after the baby is here and trying to enjoy these moments while we can of just the 2 of us.

mommabeardrip · April 9

Im currently 7 months pregnant I have had sex my whole pregnancy with my husband I’m now that I am farther along and it’s uncomfortable It doesn’t feel good he puts to much pressure on my stomach wants to do 50 positions and is always to ruff when I tell him no he gets a attitude sleeps on the other side of bed and moves when I touch him. His attitudes get me to the point where I want to punch him in the face

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