Miscarriage - hope and advice

Looking for advice, shared experiences, or honestly just support right now. It’s been a really sad, heavy week. My husband and I lost our baby girl on Saturday at 16 weeks and 5 days.

The doctors are still trying to figure out what happened. Sometimes there just aren’t clear answers, and we understand that, but it’s so hard not knowing. This was our second pregnancy. The first time, we chose to terminate at 6 weeks (this was 3 years ago). Once we were in a better place in our lives, we started trying again. It took us 4 months to conceive, and everything looked perfect until week 14.

Here’s a timeline of what happened, in case it helps anyone else or resonates with someone:

• Around July 9th (14.5 weeks), I started bleeding and passing blood clots. I immediately went into my OB’s office. The baby’s heartbeat was strong, my cervix was closed, and everything looked normal with the amniotic sac. They believed the bleeding was due to intercourse the day prior and advised us to abstain and monitor.

• The bleeding and clots continued for the next two weeks. I had multiple emergency visits to the OB, but they couldn’t pinpoint a cause. I was put on bed rest and told to wait it out.

• At one visit, they did bloodwork and found my white blood cell count was high (17,000), but my urine culture came back normal—no UTI, no yeast infection, normal pH. They didn’t see any hematomas or other issues on ultrasound. Baby was still beating strong. 

• On the morning of July 25th, we received abnormal/elevated results for spina bifida. That is not a diagnosis, so we were referred to a specialist for a level 2 ultrasound for better answers. Then, that night, my water broke while I was on the couch. My husband helped me to the bathroom, and when I sat down, we realized the umbilical cord was hanging out of me. We went straight to the ER, and they immediately transferred me to the OB ER, where they confirmed our baby no longer had a heartbeat and she was moving south. 

• I delivered her and the placenta around 4 AM on July 26th. Both were sent to pathology, and we’re still waiting for those results. My OB will also be doing additional blood work when I go back in 6 or 10 weeks (can’t remember the exact timing of this). 

My biggest takeaway from this whole experience is to trust your gut and if you want to go into your OB every day do it. It’s your body, your baby, your sanity. Ask as many questions and keep pestering if you don’t like a vague answer. I felt like they kept brushing us off and kept saying it was due to intercourse which I really don’t think that was the main cause, and if it was, why did it happen (something up with my placenta/cervix/uterus/etc?). 

We’re devastated, but also searching for hope and healing. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through a similar loss:

• How long you waited before trying again (if you did)

• What helped you emotionally and mentally during the grieving process

• If you decided not to try again, what gave you peace or helped with that decision

Thank you for reading. I’m so sorry to anyone else who’s walked a similar path. This grief is so heavy, but I know we’re not alone.