PGAL (Pregnant After Loss) Thread

thescarletmom · July 14

A safe space for pregnancy after experiencing pregnancy or infant loss 🫶

Share your thoughts, feelings, worries, and milestones!

emeraldcity603 · July 14

Unfortunately I belong here. I have had 4 losses. One second tri loss from a SCH and 3 chemicals. Two of those chemicals happened in the last 7 months.

Last pregnancy (the one that stuck) I was a nervous wreck. Constantly anxious. I have mild anxious moments this time around. I think it’s because I got my BFP so early and to me that translates to a healthy growing embryo. My betas are good too. Last week they were doubling every 20 hours. I got again this morning and I will know later today what they are.

thescarletmom · July 14

@emeraldcity603 PGAL is SO hard. We have had at least 1 or 2 losses in between each of our babies that made it earthside because of severe endo. I've been really anxious the last week because I have had basically no symptoms, including the ones that I get guaranteed every time. But I'm still POAS and the lines are getting darker, and I'm still vomiting 😅 so I'm trying to keep my head up.

My first loss was at 12 weeks, and then I've had 5 other losses between 6 and 8 weeks and 3 chemicals. My husband is wanting to wait a long time to tell our other 3 children because of our loss history and it's breaking my heart a little. Our oldest will turn 9 this month and he was delighted when our youngest was born, so I think he would be so thrilled and I hate to keep it from him. Our middle (5) yesterday out of the blue started talking about how I have a baby in my belly, and it caught me so off guard. I'm trying to take it as a sign that baby has a strong aura lol. If only love was all it took to make sure a baby would stick.

emeraldcity603 · July 16

My progesterone is super high right now because I have been supplementing with 200mg of suppositories. Well, it dropped a bit with my last betas. Still super high but it went from 44.6 to 38.9 or something like that. My midwife wants me on an AM dose but the prescribing nurse practitioner doesn’t think it’s necessary. I swear, I have been so calm until all of this. She is having me recheck my progesterone on Monday to see where it is and I really hope it’s stable. My body could have realized how high it is and down regulated my own production of progesterone to lower my levels.

Also, I usually go in for a 6 week US to check for SCH because of my loss. It was 5cm and massive with my loss. I have had at least 1 SCH with each subsequent pregnancy since that loss and at this point I think I should just assume it’s there and just take it easy and listen to my body. I don’t want to be on modified bedrest. I want to continue hiking and I feel like as long as I listen to my body I should be fine. I know my midwives will support this because they are very low intervention of any kind. They just like to “ride the waves,” so to say.

thescarletmom · July 17

@emeraldcity603 i would bet too that your body is just trying to regulate things! Fingers crossed your betas on Monday look perfect. I had a SCH with our second and it's just the scariest thing in the world. Thinking of you!

I've been taking diclegis for a couple of days now and my nausea has been pretty low level, but I keep POAS and the lines are super thick and dark so I'm trying to be content and grateful for once that it doesn't seem like I have HG lol. It can feel nervewracking because obviously our brain looks for patterns of like, when this happened I had a healthy pregnancy, or this happened with a loss, etc. So far this one is just so different from my other full term pregnancies it's throwing me for a loop. I am a litigater and being in trial in August is pushing back my first midwife appt and u/s until almost 11 weeks and I think that really isn't helping the anxiety to have to wait to check on baby. But I have some great IRL friends to lean on who have unfortunately had losses and all in all I'm handling it well! I would have spiraled over this experience 5 years ago.

emeraldcity603 · July 17

I have also been POAS daily. Comparing lines from previous days. I feel like I’m delulu! I constantly have to remind myself I’m not in control. I can’t control if this pregnancy will progress all the way or not. I pray a lot too. I’m going back and forth about the early US. It will be reassuring to see the HB. But a HB isn’t even a guarantee. It’s just so scary in the first trimester. I will start looking for the HB on my home Doppler around 8 weeks. I have found my last 3 baby’s HB at 8 weeks. Checking that calms my nerves.

thescarletmom · July 17

@emeraldcity603 same! I have like 8 sticks stacked up in my bathroom like a psycho 👀 I have always been so intimidated by using a doppler, but I know if I could learn how to use it, it would help! I can go and get an ultrasound or have an appt where I hear the heartbeat on the doppler, and as soon as I leave my brain starts in on "well something could have happened after the ultrasound ended, maybe the baby's already gone". I'm sure I irritated my midwife so bad the last two times with all my anxiety, not that she would ever say so. I think what really worries me is knowing if we lose this baby, my husband wouldn't agree to try again, so it feels like a lot is riding on this pregnancy being successful.

emeraldcity603 · July 17

Depending on your loss history those fears are valid. As long as everything is going smoothly though everything should be fine. PGAL is awful though. I feel like it has cheated me out of the joy I should have in early pregnancy.

thescarletmom · July 18

@emeraldcity603 exactly. It's the being robbed of the joy and excitement that feels worst to me. I try really hard to not use like language like "if we have a baby next year". I do everything I can to act like it's a sure thing to keep my mind focused on that, but it's hard. I couldn't bring myself to buy a single thing for our 3rd baby until the 3rd trimester and it made me feel terrible.

emeraldcity603 · July 21

I’m going in for another blood draw today. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. My progesterone dropped a few points last time and she wants to see what they are today. If they have continued to drop I’m sure she will add a morning dose. I hope she does. I may flat out ask if she doesn’t. After this, if everything is fine I’m not going to go for any more blood work. It’s causing major anxiety.

fifilala516 · July 21

@emeraldcity603 good luck today. The anxiety in that first trimester is like none other. I've been using Inito to test my pdG (even though they specifically tell you it's not a reliable indicator of a viable pregnancy) and I had a noticeable drop this AM so I've been spiraling. I'm going to stop testing because it's making me too stressed.

emeraldcity603 · July 21

@fifilala516 I feel like too much info can just cause anxiety due to the variations. Google says progesterone can vary in a 24 hour period so I am trying not to worry. Plus, since I’m using suppositories my uterine progesterone will be higher than my serum progesterone. I also took half the dose I’m on now during my last 2 pregnancies and never got my progesterone checked and everything was fine. We just assumed it was good because I was supplementing.

thescarletmom · July 21

Definitely agree that there is a such thing as too much information for your anxiety. I had to finally force myself to stop taking tests every single day and I can't do early bloodwork without a major spiral. I still have plenty of anxiety but I think it's about knowing your enemy, and for me I've found I'm more at peace in the moment when I can tell myself it's just my brain getting worried. Having numbers feels like it confirms all the scary things my mind comes up with. Thinking of you @emeraldcity603, I hope everything looks great today!

emeraldcity603 · July 21

@thescarletmom I also POAS this morning. 🤪🫠 It was an obvious dye stealer so my HCG appears to be doing as it should. I should find out about my results early in the day because they run them STAT. Which is nice. I told them I wasn’t coming for another blood draw because it’s not good for my mental health.

emeraldcity603 · July 21

I got my blood work back. My HCG went from 281 to 5,704 in one week which is doubling faster than 48 hours. My progesterone dropped again. By 7 points. So I’m worried. I think I’m going to insist on a morning dose. My midwives think it’s necessary and there isn’t any down side to adding it. Geeze, the HCG is 😍. Why can’t my progesterone be as good?

thescarletmom · July 21

@emeraldcity603 Your HCG looks so good! Hoping doubling that dose of progesterone keeps your numbers up and you can breathe easy!

emeraldcity603 · July 22

@thescarletmom for some reason the prescribing nurse is hesitating to add a morning dose. She is currently trying to get ahold of my midwife and speak to her about it. All of the midwives agree I need to be on a morning dose. I don’t know why this is becoming a huge thing. If she refuses to do it I am going to seriously start spiraling.

thescarletmom · July 22

@emeraldcity603 if all your midwives agree on the treatment plan why is she trying to interfere?? That would frustrate me so bad, I'm so sorry! Hopefully she sorts herself out asap.

emeraldcity603 · July 22

@thescarletmom my midwives wanted me on a morning dose last week. I really hope they talk some sense into this nurse. I’m sure if they insist she will do it. My symptoms aren’t bad. I literally just got back from a backpacking trip and I’m fine. I think that’s her hesitation.

thescarletmom · July 22

@emeraldcity603 but it literally doesn't hurt anything to get it! I don't understand why some providers withhold a simple treatment or plan that would bring PGAL moms some peace. I'm sure most of them mean well, and are trying to minimize interventions. But sometimes they're necessary. Fingers crossed they talk some sense into her!

fifilala516 · July 22

@emeraldcity603 I agree - if it's not going to cause any harm then they should abide by your wishes. It's your body and your pregnancy.

emeraldcity603 · July 22

@thescarletmom @fifilala516 I think I may ask if she feels more comfortable with doing a 100mg dose in the morning. That way it’s giving me the bump that I need in levels but not the maximum dose.

thescarletmom · July 22

@emeraldcity603 hopefully a little compromise helps her see the light! Thinking of you, sending extremely convincing vibes your way.

emeraldcity603 · July 23

Update…

the protocol for progesterone is that you check it once and don’t check it again because it can vary from day to day. So, since my numbers are still in a very good range I plan to just trust God and stick to my current evening dose. I have had 100mg in the evening with my last 2 pregnancies and never got my levels checked and everything was just assumed to be fine. I feel like my HCG is too good for my progesterone to just tank to the point I miscarry. She wrote me 100mg for a morning dose in case I start cramping or bleeding. So I have it just in case. I feel good about this. I have to come to terms with the fact I have zero control over whether this pregnancy is successful. The fact I got such a strong positive so early gives me confidence.

Also, I asked to schedule my 6 weeks US. I need to see the HB. Once I see that the probability of miscarrying (even though I have after seeing a HB) significantly lowers. I just can’t believe my numbers would climb like they have if this baby wasn’t healthy. They are doubling every 1.5 days. That’s a strong, healthy baby.

thescarletmom · July 23

@emeraldcity603 strong, healthy baby! I truly believe, even in the mess of PGAL anxiety, your gut instincts of if something is REALLY wrong still shines through. So when you feel good about it, I tend to trust it! My best friend miscarried her first pregnancy at the end of first tri last fall, and I didn't want to be the one to dash her hopes (especially if I was wrong) but I knew from very early on with the trend of her ultrasounds/baby's HR that something wasn't right, even though her OB wasn't saying it. My last loss I just had a sense something was really wrong and not just in an anxious way. I think most of the time we know in our heart. And you're right, a dye stealer at 4 weeks is a crazy strong positive! We can't control everything, and we can't always know the ultimate outcome, but we can trust our body to do it's best. I hope you feel at peace and can rest easier now!

emeraldcity603 · July 23

@thescarletmom I keep telling myself that the protocol is to not check for this very reason. I knew after my previous losses that the one that will stick will be the one with the strong early positive. I had a decent line at 8DPO and I usually don’t see more than a vvvvfl that I have to stare at to even actually see.

My next hurdle is checking for SCH. That was what caused my first loss and it was so traumatic for me. I have had at least one with every pregnancy since that loss. So I expect one will likely be there. It would be awesome if I were wrong.

thescarletmom · July 23

@emeraldcity603 8DPO and not a squinter is such a strong positive! I first tested at like 15 DPO and still had to stare at it to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Line eyes 👀

SCHs are so scary and traumatic! This might make me sound crazy, but last year I was telling a friend about having an SCH with DS2 and how I had the worst cramps and back pain, and I bled like crazy for a week straight. But he was healthy once we finally got in for my first u/s after the bleeding didn't stop around 9 weeks. And she asked if I thought maybe I had been pregnant with twins and lost one of the babies. And while I wanted to dismiss the thought, me and my husband both were immediately like "...oh". There was just this really heavy feeling over both of us, and usually miscarriages don't affect my husband very much because he struggles to connect early on. But when we thought I was miscarrying DS2 he cried like a baby. So while we will never know for sure, there is a part of me that thinks maybe we lost a twin and I'm really scared of SCHs too. We always look for them now at my dating scans to be sure, because it's the unexpected puddles of blood that really throw you into a tailspin 🫠

emeraldcity603 · July 23

@thescarletmom I had a 5cm SCH that was in the center of the placenta where it was attaching to my uterus. I bled a lot. No cramping though. Every other pregnancy I have had at least 1 small one. I didn’t have any bleeding with any of those. The scary part for me is how fast they grow and shrink.

thescarletmom · July 23

@emeraldcity603 mine was attached at my cervix, and I didn't have one with my 1st or 3rd, so now I'm curious to see if there's one again with this baby. Hopefully we both get lucky and we're in the clear!

emeraldcity603 · July 24

@thescarletmom I’m wondering if starting the progesterone prior to implantation will make a difference.

emeraldcity603 · July 28

I have my US this afternoon. I’m nervous but I also feel good about it.

thescarletmom · July 28

@emeraldcity603 crossing all my fingers for you!! How many weeks are you?

emeraldcity603 · July 28

@thescarletmom 5+5 so not even 6 weeks yet. I’m lowkey worried we won’t see the HB but I also feel like I have gone in around this time before and saw everything we needed to.

thescarletmom · July 28

@emeraldcity603 5+5 is tough, you might see everything and you might not, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong but it's very stressful. Hopefully you get great clear shots of your little babe and all looks well!

emeraldcity603 · July 29

We saw everything. The HR was 111 and baby was measuring a week ahead. I find that so odd. I had my HCG tested at 8DPO and it was only 11. Which lines up perfectly with implantation happening a few days prior. So my dates aren’t off. Baby is just thriving.

thescarletmom · July 29

@emeraldcity603 what a perfect little babe! You had such strong lines for a reason! Congratulations, I'm so happy for you to get such good news. Did you have an SCH they could see?

emeraldcity603 · July 29

@thescarletmom Yes, I have 1 that is 2cm at its largest point. Which I knew I had one but I was hoping I wouldn’t. This is about the size they always are. I have had a 3cm “small” one with a previous pregnancy. I don’t really know how a 3cm is considered small. Anyways, she said it takes up less than 50% of the sac. So that’s good.

emeraldcity603 · August 6

I’m trying to decide if I should get my progesterone checked one more time to see if it’s holding steady. I’m not having any bleeding. I have had some cramping but I’m wondering if it’s ligament pain I’m feeling and not actual cramping.

I go in for another ultrasound at the end of next week to check on the SCH.

thescarletmom · August 6

Do you think the information would ultimately comfort you or worry you? Do you think you'll have a hard time not spiraling if it isn't the number you're hoping to see? I think if you can get a not-ideal-but-not-concerning number and cope with that, then I see no issue with wanting to double check. But if you soul search and think, yeah, I would have a hard time if it's not the exact number I'm hoping for, maybe you just trust the process.

All that to say, I've been having odd little cramping sensations here and there, really nothing that's concerning me but the anxiety is definitely under the surface. So I scheduled an appt for a dating u/s at a clinic for the asscrack of dawn tomorrow just this afternoon, because I found out I'm going to have to reschedule my midwife appt and not seeing or hearing the baby AT ALL in the first trimester will kill me.

emeraldcity603 · August 7

I will probably get anxious if it has continued to go down. When they scheduled my ultrasound they called it a viability scan. I didn’t bother correcting them. I’m slightly irritated I haven’t been sent to the MFM doctor like I had with my last pregnancy but whatever. I think the girl didn’t measure the baby correctly last time. Plus she made me wait a ridiculously long time to see and hear the HB.

thescarletmom · August 7

@emeraldcity603 if its gone down, can they do anything about it? Like up your progesterone? Or will they take a "if its meant to be it will be" sort of approach? If there's nothing they'll do it sounds to me like it would be more stress. There's nothing that annoys me more than a bad u/s or u/s tech experience. Hopefully they send you to MFM soon.

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