I’m Concerned About My 12-Year-Old Son in School

I have a 12 year old son going into 7th grade, his first day of school is August 5th. I’m concerned, because he’s never done very well in school (especially with attendance).

In elementary school, he would wake up feeling very anxious before school and try to convince me that he was too sick to go to school. At first, I would fall for it and keep him home for many days. However, I learned that he was either faking illnesses or exaggerating his anxiety symptoms, so I started forcing him to go to school no matter what. I had to use physical force to get him in the car while he would scream and fight back. Even when I did successfully get him to school, I would later get a call from his teacher or the school nurse asking me to pick him up because he was “sick.” Apparently, he was doing the same thing to them that he was doing to me, faking or exaggerating illnesses so that he could get out of school. I knew he wasn’t really sick, because as soon as he was allowed to stay home, he would act happy, healthy, and energetic. He also nearly had to repeat 5th grade due to horrible attendance.

In his first year of middle school (6th grade), he still woke up feeling anxious, and he did try to convince me to let him stay home several days, but I told him firmly that he cannot miss too many days of middle school. He ended up doing slightly better with school attendance, but his teachers emailed me saying that he was skipping classes and leaving classes early. I talked to him and asked him what’s so bad about school and why he doesn’t want to go. He told me it’s because school is boring for him, he hates being in one place too often or too long, and he hates being controlled (I assume he means being told what to do by authority figures). I told him that everyone has to do things they don’t want to do, and that even though he doesn’t enjoy school, he still must go, because school is very important.

Apart from attendance and skipping class, my son’s teachers also told me that he didn’t pay attention in class, daydreamt, didn’t do his classwork or did it very slowly, and did a sloppy job on his classwork. They also told me he vandalized things in the classrooms or on campus because he thought it was funny. At home, he struggled with homework management. He procrastinated on starting his homework, so I had to ask him several times to get started on his homework before he’d actually do it. Sometimes he’d angrily argue, curse, or physically hit me when I nagged him to start his homework. Once he did start his homework, he’d work super slowly and sloppily. Since he was so sloppy with his homework, I started checking his homework to make sure he was doing it right, and helping him with his homework even when he didn’t want help. Whenever I would help him with his homework, he was super slow and unfocused, and I had to keep reminding him to pay attention and focus. He ended up getting Cs in all classes except his elective (theater and performance class, with an A) on his last report card for 6th grade.

Outside of school, my son is playful, funny, and energetic. His favorite thing to do is play and spend time outdoors. On weekends, holidays, or during the Summer, he’ll beg me or his father to take him somewhere (he really loves travel and going places). When we go out, he’s super explorative and wants to see, feel, touch, and smell everything. When it’s time to go home after an outing, he gets disappointed. When we don’t go anywhere and stay home, he gets very antsy and upset. He does not enjoy being at home, however, when he has no choice, he’ll pursue other hobbies, such as playing his game consoles (he enjoys playing games that involve travel and exploration, such as driving simulators, flight simulators, train simulators, or city roleplay games on Roblox), playing with his plush toys or action figures, or playing dress up. Socially, he seems ambiverted. He has great social skills and can be outgoing, but he often wants to do things by himself (he told me this is because doing things by himself gives him the freedom to do whatever he wants, whereas doing things with others requires making compromises, since two people might not want the same things). He’s very spontaneous and unpredictable, and he struggles a lot with structure and routine. I’m trying to help him learn to make and follow plans, but he never sticks to any plans.

Overall, the words I’d use to describe my son are:

Playful, funny, goofy, energetic, spontaneous, explorative, adventurous, daring, restless, creative, novelty-seeking, unpredictable, grouchy (only when doing things he dislikes), and curious.

I want my son to finally succeed in school starting this year in 7th grade, and I want to help him be able to do that. Does anyone here have any advice?