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December 2024 Moms
duemiddecember
member
Out of town visitors
duemiddecember
member
Wondering how you would handle scheduling out of town visitors.
My family members live minutes away and will meet baby early on and help as needed and asked. They’ll be taking care of our first child during delivery. My husband’s family lives several states away. If they lived closer, I would have the same arrangement as I will with my family. But I know when they come they’re going to want more frequent and longer visits with baby since they’re coming from a distance and not always here.
My family members live minutes away and will meet baby early on and help as needed and asked. They’ll be taking care of our first child during delivery. My husband’s family lives several states away. If they lived closer, I would have the same arrangement as I will with my family. But I know when they come they’re going to want more frequent and longer visits with baby since they’re coming from a distance and not always here.
I’m feeling stressed about it already. I don’t want to be unfair to them or my husband but I won’t be up for visitors every day for multiple hours. We are the only ones with grandkids for the foreseeable future and they are so excited about the grandparent experience. That adds to the pressure. I do have a fairly good relationship with them and know they would try to be helpful. But their normal visits are still draining for me. They would stay somewhere else (our condo is tiny) but when they visit they come to our house or on outings with us morning to evening. I’m an introvert and like my space, privacy, and my own routine. Even if they are being helpful with the house I just feel like the noise and conversation would interrupt my rest and recovery.
I’m thinking about asking them to schedule a month after my due date. Even if the baby is born late that would give me a couple of weeks. And then setting the expectation that they have some other activities besides our house all day (visiting other friends and relatives who are in our area is something I think they’d like to do, but their focus is usually on us). They’ll respect it, but I’m afraid they’ll feel disappointed.
I’m thinking about asking them to schedule a month after my due date. Even if the baby is born late that would give me a couple of weeks. And then setting the expectation that they have some other activities besides our house all day (visiting other friends and relatives who are in our area is something I think they’d like to do, but their focus is usually on us). They’ll respect it, but I’m afraid they’ll feel disappointed.
Am I reasonable? What have you done in similar situations?
Re: Out of town visitors
I am currently pregnant with my second, but had a similar situation with my first. My family is close by and my husband's are a 2 hr flight away. We were nervous about setting too many boundaries around our needs as not to disappoint them or others, and it was very stressful and ultimately not healthy for me, but most importantly, my new baby. You are absolutely right, you will be exhausted, nervous, confused, you'll have no routine, be recovering, and all around fragile. And it will be magical at the same time. For you, for your husband and for you as a couple. You need to allow yourself that time and space. And, your baby needs that, too. They need your attention and for you to be giving yourself rest and recovery to support them at your best.
I'm also very introverted and like time to settle into new things by myself. From my experience, visits more than about 45 min in the first month were too long, distracting from some area of care I needed to be providing or intruding on time for me or my husband to care for the baby or ourselves. Everyone who comes will say, I'll just hold the baby so you can do what your need, take a shower, eat a meal, etc. But truth is, first off, if they really want to support they should come with that meal in the first weeks! And second, if they are holding the baby more than 30-45 minutes, chances are, you'll need to feed it, change it, rock it, or just understandably want to be near it - and it wants to be near you! So hours and hours of visits, unless someone is coming to clean your bathroom (and trust me, that's what true friends and family do in your first weeks postpartum! ☺️) it's too long.
Plus, visitors don't care for themselves, even if they are very helpful. My in-laws came around when my son was 2 weeks and we spent hours before they came when we were exhausted cleaning our apartment and then outings to the grocery store to make sure we had things instead of resting or just figuring our new life out. You shouldn't be a worrying about any of that at 1 month postpartum! Which also, the 2 week timeline is often when postpartum depression symptoms begin if women will experience them and is squarely in the baby blues phase, so you just aren't feeling your best. You should be resting, bonding and just getting all of it figured out so you can feel as comfortable and confident as possible to care for your little one.
And, the truth is, they likely will be disappointed. But they will deal with it. It's not about them. It's about the baby, and who the baby needs is a mama at her best. Again, this will not even remotely be the last time you disappoint someone to do what is best for your family. And a 4-6 week old baby is still adorable and tiny and falls asleep in your arms and smells perfect. They will forget their disappointment when they meet your little one and will have lots of opportunities to watch them grow and connect as your little one grows.
Some ways to mitigate some of the challenges while you focus on yourself could be lots of photos on a shared photo app they can be added to (we used Tiny beans), video calls and regular texts in the first couple of weeks. I also recommend having ideas of things for them to do in the area, we sent my in laws to a museum and the botanical gardens on different days to give us a few hours to process. Or tasks you need support with - groceries, getting takeout, taking the dog for a walk, etc. It gives time and space between things and the in-laws may feel more involved without having to always be occupying your time. You mentioned your parents are nearby; I asked my mom to invite my in laws over for dinner one night when they were there, so we had an evening free and they got to chat non-stop about the baby with someone else!
Wishing you all the very best of luck in navigating this time and your discussion with your in-laws. It won't be the last! But you've got this! Just tap into your mama confidence and protective side for what your baby needs most - and that's you!!
So, in a nut shell, I think you are being more than reasonable. But here's some things I requested last time (some honored, some not) and some things I will absolutely insist on this time.
Last time: If family wanted to see the babies before 8 weeks (ie: immediate family who lived in the area), they had to be up to date on their DTAPP and flu and not sick within 10 days of visiting. (This was pre-rona, but having twins there was a good chance they would be premies so I set this rule in advance.) Your pediatrician will probably applaud that one, they will want you to have that shot before delivery too as well as a flu shot. Everyone had to wash their hands before holding/touching. NOT hand sanitizer. It's less effective and the residual gel just pics up more germs. That, and the smell makes me want to absolutely vomit. Call in advance and make sure we are OK with company, plan days in advance if possible. Only my mom and his parents visited in the hospital. Anyone else who wanted to see babies (who wasn't family and up to date on their shots) we asked to wait to request to see them until they had had their shots at around 8 weeks with some time for that to kick in.
In the end, only 3 family members that ever came to visit under the guise of "helping" actually did: my mom, my SIL, amd her mom (all nurses). Everyone else was a pain, a drain, and a burden.
This time: No one at the hospital. Unless my mom is on her deathbed and they have to wheel her in to see this grandchild before she croaks, I don't want anyone there. My mom was helpful during the c-section as a retired trauma nurse who knew her way around an OR and was considered the "IV Queen" when she was still working did a good job of fixing things the nurses screwed up (like the 4 attempts to start my IV before blowing one out). But after they were born and I was out of the OR, she just became stressful and annoying. I was sleep deprived and wanted to rest and she insisted on blaring the TV with daytime crap and talkshows where everyone is yelling. When it came to his parents, they just couldn't sit their 🍑 down and not try to walk around our crowded room damn near tripping on everything while holding the babies and couldn't take a cue when they had over stayed their welcome. My heart rate was already up from the c-section recovery. They just made it sky rocket. And I felt like 💩... I didn't want visitors. It was Father's Day so I relented. But not again. This time, not only do I want all visitors to have their shots before that 8weeks (like immediate family who is here), but I'm probably not going to want ANYONE who wasn't helpful the first time for AT LEAST a month. Probably 2 at this point. Or maybe 3. 🤣 Either way, it will be when I can actually stand upright for.more than 10 mins without getting winded. I will absolutely NOT be feeding anyone. And I will be telling people what hours they can visit during and only for 1-2 hrs total, none of which can happen starting at dinner or bedtime. I refuse to screw up a newborns sleep/eat/poop schedule because someone doesn't want to hand back a baby this time. And I'm not going to be waiting on anyone else and making big spaghetti dinners for the people who are there to "help" while I'm recovering from yet another c-section and likely abdominal repair. I wasn't supposed to be lifting anything last time, yet there I was, Manning the kitchen because my MIL promised to come make spaghetti "because she's got a great recipe", only to show up and announce it's been so long she forgot... as if boiling water and opening a jar of sauce to dump on hamburger is something you forget. I will NOT be playing that game again. No one who isnt helpful is going to be around until I know what baby's schedule is, if Im recovering OK, and where they can fit into it. Period. Will not do that again. I'll also be asking anyone flying in to stay away at least 48 hrs after landing. That should give time for most colds and flus caught while traveling in a cattle car with 200 other people to make themselves known. That was another pet peeve of mine: the SIL not only showed up unannounced, but brought her two young kids, not up to date on regular shots, straight from the airport to a crowded arcade, touched everything, then insisted on holding babies and kissing all over their face. If they had gotten sick, I'd have come unglued. Before I was scared of their tiny bodies catching something they couldn't handle. But now I know what an absolute draining pain in the 🍑 it is with a sick baby, I will go scorched earth. We are both self employed (which means no PTO) and I have an autoimmune disease (which meansI get more sick than others and for longer). Getting sick, baby or not, puts us out of work and destroys our routine with our current kids. It's a surefire way to get blackballed with me.
If this is your first, I would advise out of town family of your wishes in advance, but also just make it clear you aren't sure how much recovery time you will need and you'd like a month or maybe more to figure out baby's routine and rhythm so that the visit can actually be enjoyable for everyone. Not to mention something you can physically and mentally muster. And you never know: you may have an ideal recovery and be ready to rock in a week or 2. Or you may wind up with a c-section or baby might have a rough/colicky start and need a couple months just so you can actually function. I wasn't allowed to vacuum for like 6 weeks.. along with a lot of other stuff; that makes having company even more difficult. I'd tell them not to make plans until you call and let them know you are finally up for it, whether that's a couple weeks or a couple.months. Just play it by ear.
My advice is to figure out who will truly be the most helpful and allow you to rest if you need help early on and not cave to outside pressure or demands simply because "it's their grandchild/nephew/neice/cousin/dogs brothers bestie, too." Anyone who actually cares about you and Baby will see the logic in all that and do what you need and respect your wishes.
but that gives you some space and quiet, them the "grandparent experience", and my experience has been that my older children have never been jealous of a new baby because they get a TON of extra attention from grandparents themselves.