This question hurts my heart to even write, but I'm hoping someone out there can relate and/or offer some words of advice because I'm really struggling. My second son was born last week and at the beginning I was so happy and optimistic. But as soon my firstborn came to visit in the hospital, my feelings started changing. Over the past week, I've been sobbing on and off over this and I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty for bringing our newborn into our home because my first son is not happy about it. He is only 23 months old and doesn't say many words yet, so it's hard to tell exactly what he is feeling, but if I had to guess I think he is grieving being the only child. I imagine that he is sad and hurt that our attention is not 100% on him now, and that our routines have been shaken up. I feel like he is confused, sad, and both mad at me and also extra clingy at the same time. It breaks my heart.
So, on one hand I'm feeling so extremely guilty for turning his little world upside down. I feel such an intense love for him right now, it's almost like I'm just now realizing it or something. Like, I have always loved him, but now it feels even more intense and all-consuming. And then on top of these feelings, I'm also feelings guilty for not having equal feelings toward my newborn. Of course, I love my newborn and caring for him, but I don't feel a deep connection. If I'm honest (and this KILLS me to admit, but I need to put it out there), I almost feel a little resentful that our newborn is encroaching on my relationship with my firstborn
It's horrible, I know. I feel like a terrible mother but I just can't help how I'm feeling. I wish I could! I'm not sure if this is just "baby blues" and postpartum hormones still settling. I'm sure that's part of it. But I am so worried that it's something more permanent. What if I am not capable of loving my newborn as much as my first? What if my firstborn would have been happier as an only child? Have I ruined his life? Will he resent me for having a second child? Will be firstborn resent me for loving my firstborn more than him? Ugh, I'm awful. Please, someone tell me they have felt this way too and that it gets better. I feel so overwhelmed and unsure of everything right now.
Re: Big brother and bonding with newborn - hoping for some reassurance!
I’ve started incorporating “family” time and setting aside activities for all of us to do together. For example, in the evening we do tummy time with the newborn and I encourage my toddler to “show” the newborn how to do it and to cheer the baby on. I let my toddler show off some tumbling moves and thank him for being such a good teacher.
Not sure any of this is helpful but i do think the fact that your firstborn is being expressive (even if negatively) shows he feels safe and secure. You definitely didn’t “ruin” your family by any means. I believe that when you really love something and are proud of it, you want to share it and show it off to the world..and how beautiful that you get to introduce your toddler and your love for him to this new babe.
It's sweet that your toddler is bonding more with your husband, too! Although I know it's probably bittersweet for you. Mine has his moments with my husband but he is still mostly attached to me and gets upset when I give any attention to the baby, which is tough because I hate to see him upset and I also feel guilty not bonding more with my newborn. So, I guess it's just hard all around no matter how your first child reacts!
I'm definitely going to steal your ideas about tummy time and creating family activities - that sounds so cute! I started trying the whole strategy of involving him in taking care of the baby by giving him little "jobs" like handing me diapers/wipes, but he hasn't been too interested. But maybe it just takes time.
Thank you again for offering your advice and support! Since we are in similar situations, I'd love to keep in touch if you want so we can support each other during the tough days