Husband is Pakistani - is a non Pakistani first name insensitive?

knottie13734a51d4b000b2 · December 2023

Some background: my husband is Pakistani and I have a European background. Both his parents grew up in Pakistan and their culture is extremely important to them. I’ve always embraced this - we had a Pakistani wedding, I go to the mosque with them on major holidays even though I’m not Muslim, and I try to learn about their culture. We plan to expose our kids to both of our religions and want them to learn about Pakistani culture from my husband and his parents.

We’re stating to discuss baby names, and my husband noted it would mean a lot to his family if we choose a Pakistani first name. I said I was open to this and would do some searching, but there are so many non Pakistani names I love and have gotten so excited about and while there are Pakistani names I like, I haven’t found any I’m super drawn to and am finding myself feeling sad that I feel like I can’t choose a name I love. I’m also feeling like while the baby will be half Pakistani, she’ll also be half European / half my side, and it feels a little unfair that it’s a must that both her first and last name (she’ll already have a Pakistani last name) and Pakistani. Additionally, if we go with a non-Pakistani first name, I’m open to any Pakistani middle name he wants.

My question is whether it’s insensitive for me to push for a non-Pakistani first name. My mom says that I should, saying that we shouldn’t ignore my heritage either, but I’m conscious he’s the minority and my background is so fragmented (so many different European countries) so I have less of a strong tie to any specific culture and I’m not sure if it’s fair for me to push for some of the European first names I love or if I should think about the bigger picture and the fact that our child will be half Pakistani.

I’d love perspectives from others. I want to be thoughtful about this before I next bring up the topic of names with my husband.

harpseal135 · December 2023

Awesome for a great discussion between you and your husband. Tell him your feelings, just as you have here. It needs to be decided between the two off you.

borkhart · January 2024

Best to talk with your husband about this and tell him how you feel. You don't have to "ignore your heritage". One suggestion, if he is set on a Pakistani first name, baby could have European middle name and/or nickname. Remember, he married you, a non-pakistani woman. He may not want/be concerned with traditions. Also remember, this is between you and your husband, not your parents or his so don't be afraid to tell your mom that you love her and value her opinion, but you love and respect your husband's opinion more on this topic.

allowe · January 2024

I think the baby’s name needs to be something you both like and agree on, not one side “giving in” or leaving one side resentful, regretful about it. Agree w previous commenters that it’s between you and your husband. I don’t think m it’s insensitive at all, you’ve considered them and just like others more. I don’t even see this as coming down to you rejecting or accepting his heritage—it’s about your baby’s name and future, there are obvs gonna be names you like and ones you don’t as much, that’s ok.

j-redd222 · February 2024

I’ll echo everyone else in saying this would be a decision you and your husband need to make together, considering BOTH of your feelings. This being said, if his desire for a Pakistani first name is due to not wanting to disappoint his parents, I don’t feel like that is super valid. I don’t know what his reasons are or if he really feels a personal tie to his culture so that would be something for you to discuss and respond to. It really depends on the reasons he and you want the names you want and if he dislikes the names you love. There’s going to have to be some give and take on both sides.

My husband was really picky about names with our girls and it was really frustrating at first. I spent hours combing through baby name books and picking all of the names I would consider. Then he went through it and said no to nearly every one lol. With our first, he chose a name on my list but it wasn’t anywhere close to my favorite. Because I didn’t want to go back to the drawing board I sat with it for a few days, tried saying the name he loved when talking to the baby in my belly and, to my surprise, I started falling in love with it. Because my husband ‘chose’ the first name for our first, I chose the middle name after my grandmother.

For our second child, same thing. I found a name I absolutely fell in love with- Lilah (pronounced lil-uh). I told my husband and he HATED it. I was so frustrated and couldn’t help but fight for that name. I asked my husband what he didn’t like about it and he said at first he liked it but then he heard me say it and he didn’t think it should be pronounced like that so we settled on the same name but a different pronunciation (lie-la). Because he compromised in the name this time, her middle name was after his grandmother that time.

In my experience, it’s rare for both mom and dad to completely fall in love with one, same name. Just like spouses sometimes don’t agree completely on every parenting decision, compromise and understanding is key. Sorry for the long winded answer but I hope it helps! If there’s really a name you’re in love with don’t be afraid to let that be known and push for it (within reason) I know I’m glad I did!

knottiec770550391b55359 · February 2024

I think a non-Pakistani first name and a Pakistani last name would really emphasize the wonderful biracial roots of baby, but that’s just me. I would absolutely go for a non-Pakistani middle name though in case baby grows up to want a more “local” name - unfortunately discrimination based on something as trivial as a name is still a thing (on a resume, for example).

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