July 2024 Moms

Am I being unfair

Hello! This is my first post and not really baby related - more pregnancy emotions/ wondering if others feel the same lol.
I am 31 weeks, due in March and live with my boyfriend/babys dad. We both used to be big into the nightlife scene in our town and go out to bars a lot, but have scaled back a ton since pregnancy and barely go out at all anymore obviously, including my boyfriend.
I am not from our area originally so most of my friends are just work friends/ not super close friends that I’ve had since childhood like my friends back home, so I’m more inclined to be a home body regardless. My boyfriend has lived here his whole life and loves to go out, he doesn’t see his friends often but that’s mostly due to lack of trying on both ends…
He goes out maybe once a month or so typically not often. My issue is that when he does it’s always a last minute decision and the plan is constantly changing, so I never know when he is gonna be home.
This particular time I was trying to make plans with him for after I got off of work, texting him through the day, nothing was set in stone, but then 30 minutes before I get off he asks if he can go watch the game with his friends.
I said yea sure and figured we would do something after because we usually do on Saturdays.
Long story short he keeps telling me through the whole night (4pm-11pm) that he’ll be leaving soon, 15 min, 20 min, we can hang after, etc…. But it turns into him staying out until I’m ready to go to sleep after 11pm (originally I thought he would be done around 7). So, I hadn’t seen him since that morning before work, as he was gone before I got home, and I was a little disappointed because I did want to do something together.
I tried explaining why I was upset and he said I shouldn’t be mad and to forget about it and watch a movie and go to sleep together now, but I am still mad, basically just feeling like I am not a priority and not heard. It really annoys me that he just dismisses me like that and doesn’t listen. He says he never gets to see his friends so I shouldn’t care, but it’s hard not to when I’m waiting to do something fun too.

If you made it this far- am I overreacting? I know it is important for him to have his time with friends I would just like to actually know the plan versus him always saying “sorry, I didn’t expect to stay out”. Anyone else feel like this/ maybe it’s just fomo?

Re: Am I being unfair

  • You’re likely experiencing stronger feelings around this than usual because of hormones. But does that mean you’re wrong to feel that way? No. But ultimately the issue isn’t about him going out with his friends last minute or even fomo for you. You’re experiencing a big change and he’s not got it in his head yet that things will be very different once baby is here. Or maybe he does and that’s why he wants to do the hanging out with friends now. What needs to happen is for both of you to talk through what your expectations are for his going out and leaving you last minute with baby. Aka, that can’t happen and when either of you want to go out alone and see friends there’s going to have to be days of advance notice and also returning home on time without any delays or “I’ll be home soon” and not doing it. 
    You also need to be able to talk through with him about how it wasn’t about how he went out with friends but about how it made you feel dismissed, and that you want him to have time with friends but when the baby’s here it’s going to look different and you need to know he gets that and is on your side. If he’s receptive to talking it through without getting defensive that’s a good sign he’ll be a supportive partner. If he continues to be dismissive I promise it will get worse before the baby comes. Having conversations about feelings is important before the baby comes. Maybe a little couples therapy to get on the same page before then? 
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  • I literally had the same experience with my
    husband on monday. He said he was off work and I was assuming he was on his way home (he has a long commute). I called him an hour later and he said he was at the bar with his co worker! I’m like WTF! I’m home waiting around for you and thought we could go get frozen yogurt. But by the time he got home I was already in bed (I am very exhausted these days). 

    He didn’t get what a big deal it was for me and that I felt like I wasn’t high on the priority list. We had to talk and I had to explain that is a big deal for me for you not to tell me where you’re at. Especially once we have our little one. It’s odd. It seems they want to live this freedom life as long as they can before accepting reality that they need to grow up and be responsible. ....I think our conversation ended well and we are a little more on the same page now. Here’s hoping. 

    I had a I need a burger craving tonight and he took me to dinner even though he didn’t feel like it so I do appreciate the little ways he is trying to deal with my pregnant ness. Haha. 

    Not sure if this helps but just saying I feel ya sister! 
  • I remember my husband did the same thing over and over again. What I did was sit with him and have a heart-to-heart talk. I guess all they need is the proper way of telling them things we don't want. Eventually, he changed (lots of patience, though). I hope everything will turn out all right on your end.
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