first time mom with step kids??? help!!!!!

AmyM117 · May 2015

Hi everyone. So I am going to to be ten weeks on Tuesday. This is my first pregnancy, first baby, first everything!! My fiance already has kids though...two girls and a boy (girls are five and boy is eight). We have them every other weekend. They are a lot of fun and I care for them...don't get me wrong. But I.am becoming veryyyyyyy emotional and sad about it.
I feel like this is such a special.New time for me and I feel sad that my fiance has already experienced it with someone else. I feel like we don't get to.have any firsts TOGETHER with this pregnancy because he has already had them with someone else. It just makes me feel so jealous and upset and.....urrrrrrgh. does anyone else know what I am talking about??? It's really got me down and I could reallllllllllly use someone to talk to.

I am driving myself nuts

bkeller34 · May 2015

Hormones are a beautiful thing

Every pregnancy/child is unique and different. I promise you this will be just as special for him. I have two older kids from my previous marriage and I'm on my second with my current husband. All of them live with us full time. My first with my second husband was very special in a really cool way because I was so excited to share that part of parenthood with him. Take some deep breaths and just let your fiancé know your feelings. You can't change his past nor would you want to since it made who he is today...don't let something you can't change ruin your experience. Hugs.

AmyM117 · May 2015

@bkeller34 thank you dear! You are right...I shouldn't let something I cannot change ruin my experience! He is with me now and we are so in love and this is our baby and it's going to.be new and different and special and no one can take that away from me.

I just wonder if there's anyone else out there who's feeling this way? Or am I crazy? Lol

ryanjennifertodd · May 2015

My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage (14-girl, 11-boy). Even though this isn't his first, it's his first with me. I like the fact that he's a little more experienced bc he calms my anxiety down and is a great support. It's also new for the kids bc this child will live with you full time and it's something that only your family will have. Just remember, every child and every pregnancy is special, no matter how they came into your life. Also, get his kids involved. My step kids spent 2 hours discussing baby names right after we told them.

angelicmommy · May 2015

@jenocal i dont think you should worry yourself so much about it. She will probably have so much fun with it

susiaustin · May 2015

My SO already has a daughter, so it bitter sweet me being pregnant because of the situation it was very hard on him when he first found out. According to his family he's defiantly different this time around, and super excited about our baby together, I'm just worried how his daughter will feel about it too. It's a long hard situation, that definitely has put a bad taste in his mouth that 1- we not married 2- we haven't been together all that long. Once he realized I'm not his ex it helped, but it still rough knowing this won't be his first. I had a missed miscarriage so this is my second pregnancy, and my rainbow baby but he doesn't fully understand because he had his daughter with no problems with the pregnancy

Mueller01 · May 2015

This is my first as well. My husband has a five year old daughter that I absolutely adore! I love that little girl as if I gave birth to her. My husband and I have been together since our daughter (my step daughter) was 1. I had similar feelings but I'm taking the high road. I'm striving to do all the thing differently. The biological mother had a c section, I want a natural birth. They weren't married when they had her. My husband and i are! It is different and my husband sees it. He said to me, I've never had a pregnant wife. So it's the very small things you have to hold onto. Also those children made him who you fell In love with. He'll be so happy with you and your guys experiences. Maybe all the other ones aren't all positive. This is another chance for him as well as a first time for you.

What I am struggling with today is that my daughter's biological mother HATES me, which is fine. BUT when my daughter adores me and we have such a strong relationship and days like Mother's Day come...I get no respect of a simple phone call or so much as a peep from my daughter. I know she asks to talk to me because she a very thoughtful and caring little girl. Her mother uses it as a power thing and tries to hurt me but she's really hurting our daughter. And yes I refer to my step daughter as my daughter never my step daughter. She's mostly with us anyway... Any advise

nik6499 · May 2015

I would strongly suggest you take a step back and take a breath. It's easy to get caught up in emotions, but allowing yourself to get upset and jealous over the past can actually damage your future and hinder your pregnancy experience.

These are all firsts for you together as a couple. You will navigate this road together and it will be special. So many things chance over several years and I imagine he would still want to have all those experiences with you. You are his partner, you are in love and this experience is new for you both. I know the hormones make it hard, but I think if you decide to make it an experience together you will find it can be just as magical and exciting as you hope for.

This is my DH first child and we are going through all the steps together and I can't wait to go through all the milestones again, with someone I love.

Beckah31 · May 2015

@Mueller01
My mom had two bio kids and raised so many foster kids I've lost count. Children and parenthood have nothing to do with blood and birth. She loves us all the same. She gave a friend of mine in a situation similar to yours some great advice. It's just a day, you can celebrate a holiday any day you want. If she can't be there on Easter Sunday, then you celebrate on Tuesday because what matters is that she is with you. I'm blessed with a truly wise mother. She once left the Christmas tree up until February so one of my Foster bros in the marines could celebrate with us. Don't let her bio moms pettiness bother you. Celebrate when she is with you, the love will carry over when she's not there.

skmomma · May 2015

This is my first pregnancy as well. I have two awesome step sons 8 & 5. And I see them as my own. My husband and I get them 50% of the time or more. The only thing I am worried about is the youngest doesn't care if he has brother or sister but the oldest does not want a sister! I just hope he loves her if it does come out to be a girl. I know this sounds silly but is a real worry of mine.

NJPita22 · May 2015

I went through the same thing and had all the exact same feelings. When we told my husbands boys they said "oh so now you'll have a kid you get to see all the time" but she's 3 and they love each other so much it's adorable. The whole pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster with me trying to be opposite her. But my husband always tried to remind me that he always wanted a girl his whole life and I am the one giving him that. I always argued that the sex of the baby didn't matter but the experience. He did argue it with me which I think helped me. He pointed out all the differences. I went into labor and she had to be induced. He says he is in love with me and it's a different experience entirely... Its soooooooooo hard but take it one day and experience at a time.

Melissadmag · May 2015

My husband also has two kids that I love and are wonderful. I completely feel ya. It took me a long time to be able to accept that ours wouldn't be his first, and that in a way it would feel like I was going through a lot of firsts on my own. I am actually using the same doctor that one of his kid's mother's used when she was pregnant, but he's an amazing doctor so oh well. It was tough that his ex made him despise the book What to Expect when You're Expecting because if she wasn't experiencing exactly what was happening in the book she would go into total melt down mode and it caused a lot of fights between them apparently. He always used to say he wanted me to read the book, but not talk about it with him whenever I got pregnant because it just brought up bad memories. It seemed totally unfair because what the hell, I want to be able to talk about things from that book with my husband when I am experiencing them.

Anyway, the thing is as much as it might be a total bummer that this isn't his first like it is for you, that's not going to change. I'm sure he is completely stoked about having a kid that he can raise full time. My hubby is thrilled that he will finally have a baby he can raise permanently and not just part time. He gets to be the father he wants to be, and doesn't have to worry that if he says or does something wrong the mother will stop allowing him to see them. He doesn't have to play Disneyland dad with this one and gets to do all of the things he is missing out on doing with his others.

I laid out some ground rules for my hubby to help ease the emotions of not having this be his first time around that maybe you might want to consider. I told him that even though we are using his ex's doctor, that he was not to bring it up, period, unless the doctor recognized him on his own. I didn't want to be hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time while he was reminiscing about how his ex was doing after the birth. (his daughter is 7 so it would have been surprising if the doc did remember but still). He is not allowed to compare my pregnancy to his ex's pregnancy. I don't want any comments that I'm gaining more weight than she did, eating differently than she did, throwing up more than she did, was crankier than she was, or whatever, I just flat out do not care to hear it and it would royally piss me off, so no bringing it up, he can keep those thoughts if he has them to himself. Also, I am totally allowed to discuss What to Expect with him because screw being punished in my pregnancy for something his ex did in hers, that's not fair to me.

Also, I needed a mental chat of my own that our baby was in no way replacing his kids, and that I was not to treat his kids any differently than I had before, unless I was being more loving and accepting of them since they are now going to be my baby's siblings, so they are even more family now than ever before. I don't think I'm the type to turn into some wretched stepmother just because I'm having my own baby, but I do want to keep myself in check in case I start acting different without even realizing it. They are still kids, my husband's kids and I love them, they are a part of him and his heart and they are a part of mine now too. Also, I told myself never to compare or compete between his kids if that makes sense. I wouldn't expect him to love our baby more than his other kids because that would just be evil, regardless of how much or little he gets to see them, they are still and always will be his kids and I can't sit there and try to make him love mine more or something.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm trying to go with this other than the fact that yes, it can be hard to struggle with having to have the firsts all to yourself, but you have to remember that he is just as excited as you are about the baby, and it might be nice to have someone with a bit of experience around when the baby comes so you both aren't completely lost on random things that will pop up. You wont have to call your mom at 3 in the morning because you just don't know what to do about baby doing something, your fiance might already know. I guess what I'm trying to say is try to look more at the positives that come with him already having kids because as much as it might seem like there are a lot of negatives to it, there are also tons of positives to it as well, especially for your baby.

sbodman82 · May 2015

I am in the same boat, my boyfriend has a 13-year-old and a two-year-old and two-year-old wasn't known about or planned so it kind of kills me that he has a baby we were about to have a baby. I try to suck it up and say He has experience but deep down i feel like my special moment is stolen as well

AmyM117 · May 2015

Well it certainly makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who has had these types of feelings.

U know....I wonder if it will get bette with time. We oonly just started getting the kids in December. Before that I had met them only once (in the three yrs fiance and I.have been together) and he only got supervised visitation. The reason is that the ex is crazy and a #$&_@ and it was a loonnng battle in court!!!

So I haven't really been around them much yet. Do you guys think as time goes on the kids and I will become closer and things will be better and maybe some of the jealous type feelings will go away once I feel more like we are all a family. I hope so becAuse I desperately want thins and will do whatever I can to make it happen!!!

kallim2015 · May 2015

Hi Amy! I didn't know other women out there felt the same as me. I drive myself insane everyday thinking about the exact same thing. My fiancé has 2, a boy and a girl, and a step son he still takes care of. It's really hard because I too feel he shared all the experiences I want to have with someone else already. I've let him know how I feel which is a good place to start.... But let me share a couple things that have helped me. For 1. I'm sure there were plenty of opportunities or a long term boyfriend or two, you too could have settled down with and done the same... But you didn't, you chose to wait for the right special man. In my eyes, he didn't.... Granted he had beautiful children from the outcome of a not so good situation, he still settled, because if he didn't hed still be with his ex, which doesn't make him a terrible person, but take a moment and look at the woman it makes you. You choose to love those children and your husband. Your new addition is a happy place he has never been before... While yes he's done it with someone else, I remind you he is not with her. You two are happy and in love and this is something you both want, not just something you did to fix the relationship, or whatever point in a terrible situation it may have been. 2. You can't change who he is, and you knew who he was. The way my fiancé explains it, is it tears him up knowing his kids home was broken because of a problem he had with his ex..... To him, he gets a second chance to make things great, with someone he really loves. The moment is still just as special! You two created life!!!!! While it's hard not to think he had those same feelings with someone else.... Just remember how you loved someone else too at one point, but it's just not the same. I've done lots of things with other boyfriends that I've done with my fiancé, but the value is much greater with him because of who he is and the bond we have. Try to keep your mind on the now and future. This is a beautiful experience, you wouldn't want to miss out on the beauty of it, because of something that already is what it is. Your journey is beautiful, and guess what it's yours together! The kids are probably really excited too. Ease your mind Amy, I hope this helps.

jessejasonbaby · May 2015

This is from someone who not only has an SO with a child from a previous relationship, but I also have one. Out girls are close to the same age and we have had a really great time with them together. Now we are having a baby together. This pregnancy is every but as special as my first and is also very special in a different way because of who I share it with. We talk a lot about our last pregnancies but also talk about how ours is different. You can't expect your husband to treat your pregnancy as the special one and take away from the memory of the first in hopes of making yours more special. Yours is special on it's own with all the similarities and differences from his last.

chelseymmcghee · May 2015

My step son is 7. There is a part of me that feels sad too, but this experience and relationship is polar opposite of the one with his ex. All are new and better experiences. My stepson is the best thing in the world to my husband, but these experiences with this pregnancy are all first and new and amazing for both of us! So, it's all a blessing.

mollsosu23 · May 2015

I have a 13 year old step daughter. My husband was very sick when she was born and he has told me that her being born was what kept him alive. I have often wondered how any child we have will ever "compete" with that. I just tell myself that our "first" that he didn't have with his ex is that our love is true and our marriage will last. His daughter has the benefit of being his first and this baby will get to be my first. How many families have 2 first borns? We are all lucky to have these great unique families.

AmyM117 · May 2015

@kallim2015 I have re read your response about ten times already. Just the sheer fact that there are others who know how I am feeling has helped immeasurably.
So true what you said about how ykou have done things w other guys that you have done w your fiance but it wasn't the same. I thought I loved other men before I met my honey but now everything before him seems....I don't know....just not even on the same wavelength!!!
He and I are together now and we are in love and we are forever!!! His ex is not a part of our family and isn't someone I even need to think about. It's us and the kids and our baby now and we are a family and that all that matters.
And like the serenity prayer says "God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference
Everyone has a past. What matters is the present and the future and that is where we need to keep our eyes

I have waited two years to get pregnant and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone take thAt joy from me (including myself). Especially if it's over something I have no control over and can't do anything about.
Thank you so much for your post....I really needed it.

morganfranks · May 2023

I totally resonate with how you feel! I’m pregnant with my first - his 3rd. He constantly brings up memories of his first children in response to an experience I’m having with ours. I feel constantly compared, less important like he’s already been there done that. His children (15, 19) aren’t interested in a relationship with me. So when he brings them up in response to a moment shared about ours I feel pretty irritated and defeated. Brought it up with him, he doesn’t get it.

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