I want another baby SOO much--why doesn't he?

nicademus20 · March 2023

My boyfriend and I have had a mostly good relationship, been together for nearly 5 years. We have our now 13 month old, and I turn 40 next week.
I have less, and less, and less chance of conceiving a baby naturally and his stalling is driving me absolutely nuts!!!! It is causing major resentment, and he refuses to discuss it.
He holds all the cards, I am not on birth control and haven't been for nearly a year. We use condoms and short of poking holes which I am unwilling to do, he has all the decision making power.

I had a very bad first birth, no memory of it, and wasn't able to breastfeed, my LO was in the NICU, bad times for all. My LO is healthy and happy, I have done most all of the raising of him, so why my boyfriend refuses to have another is bullsh**. He barely had to lift a finger!!
This becomes more like ranting. But certainly I am not alone in this boat.

He says it is so expensive but we are not doing so bad at all--my son is the only Grandchild for both sets of Grandparents and we have no problem about money, love, childcare, etc.
So to say he won't have one because they are too expensive sounds like a bad excuse.

I have even considered being with someone else. Because having another child is more important than he is to me. But then I think of my first, and so far, only child and I don't want to break up the family. Despite how much longing I have.

It is like having so much hope that it can happen; only to be disappointed every day. Every day when I see someone with 2 children I want to say how lucky they are.

My LO may grow up not really knowing what it is like to have a constant companion that understands them. My sister and I played all the time and it was such an awesome childhood! I had no friends at school, but having my sister was all the difference. So when I think of all that my LO will miss out on because my boyfriend thinks kids are too expensive, despite us being well off, it makes me want to leave this bed and jump into someone elses! Or, something that will make him understand that it matters.

nicademus20 · March 2023

I have done SO much research since my first pregnancy and I see how my preeclampsia HELLP could have been avoided.
3 months PRIOR to becoming pregnant, begin the ASA pills. Also, for myself I need 5mg of folic acid. No doctor told me this with my first. I found all this out after giving birth.

00kim00 · March 2023

nicademus20 said:

My boyfriend and I have had a mostly good relationship, been together for nearly 5 years. We have our now 13 month old, and I turn 40 next week.
I have less, and less, and less chance of conceiving a baby naturally and his stalling is driving me absolutely nuts!!!! It is causing major resentment, and he refuses to discuss it.
He holds all the cards, I am not on birth control and haven't been for nearly a year. We use condoms and short of poking holes which I am unwilling to do, he has all the decision making power.

I had a very bad first birth, no memory of it, and wasn't able to breastfeed, my LO was in the NICU, bad times for all. My LO is healthy and happy, I have done most all of the raising of him, so why my boyfriend refuses to have another is bullsh**. He barely had to lift a finger!!
This becomes more like ranting. But certainly I am not alone in this boat.

He says it is so expensive but we are not doing so bad at all--my son is the only Grandchild for both sets of Grandparents and we have no problem about money, love, childcare, etc.
So to say he won't have one because they are too expensive sounds like a bad excuse.

I have even considered being with someone else. Because having another child is more important than he is to me. But then I think of my first, and so far, only child and I don't want to break up the family. Despite how much longing I have.

It is like having so much hope that it can happen; only to be disappointed every day. Every day when I see someone with 2 children I want to say how lucky they are.

My LO may grow up not really knowing what it is like to have a constant companion that understands them. My sister and I played all the time and it was such an awesome childhood! I had no friends at school, but having my sister was all the difference. So when I think of all that my LO will miss out on because my boyfriend thinks kids are too expensive, despite us being well off, it makes me want to leave this bed and jump into someone elses! Or, something that will make him understand that it matters.

There's a lot to unpack here. Some of this may sound harsh, but it's leaking up to some suggestions.

"My boyfriend and I have had a mostly good relationship, been together for nearly 5 years. We have our now 13 month old, and I turn 40 next week. " This tells me a few things. First, boyfriend rather than husband, despite being together 5 years and having a child together, shows that there's some reason you've decided not to make that kind of commitment to each other. A "mostly good" relationship is an interesting choice of words, and makes it sound like there are some significant not good parts of the relationship. So he may not want to have another child with you because he's not confident in or committed to you/the relationship.

"he refuses to discuss it." But he has told you he doesn't want another child because they're expensive, so it sounds like he has talked to you about it. You call his reason BS and a bad excuse, so that kinda shuts down discussion.

"He holds all the cards". Yes, as it should be. Having a child is a two yes-one no decision. If one person says no, it's no, so that person does hold all the cards in a way. You do have some power - the power to stay or go.

"I have even considered being with someone else. Because having another child is more important than he is to me" and "it makes me want to leave this bed and jump into someone elses!"; strengthens my first point - this isn't a solid relationship, so his decision to avoid adding another child to the mix sounds wise. It's starting to sound like having another child will just increase the amount of child support he'll have to pay once you break up, so his "expensive" reason is quite valid.

"My LO may grow up not really knowing what it is like to have a constant companion that understands them" that may be true regardless. I have 3 siblings,, and none of them understand me or are a constant companion. I have a stepson and a bio son, and my stepson refuses to acknowledge his brother's existence or come within 3 feet of him, even though we all live together. If you do have another child, their relationship is theirs. It's at least as, if not more, likely that it will be a neutral or difficult relationship than a "best friend" relationship

It's also important to acknowledge that your chances of getting pregnant at your age are low. Even if you did IVF (which I doubt your partner would be interested in), you only have about a 20% chance it would work. Is it worth cheating on or leaving your partner if you're unable to have a child?

I suggest going to a couples therapist. Do what you need to do to move from a "mostly good" to a "good" relationship, or decide to break up and figure out how to co-parent. Learn to listen to each other, communicate effectively, and respect each other. Decide if you want to stay together or not, and if your relationship is worth fighting for, whether you're both on board to try for a second child or not. Remember even if you break up, you may not be able to have another child anyway; does the possibility of a child and level of disagreement here really mean more to you than your partner? (I'm not saying it's wrong; the fact that he knows how much you want it and isn't interested in either trying for a child OR supporting you in your grief could be enough to say he's not a good partner, if you feel that way) If your boyfriend wants to stay together but but have another child, is he prepared to support you as you mourn?

There's nothing wrong with wanting another child. And if you can't have that, grieving that loss. But it would be healthier for you to leave and find another partner or stay and process your grief and improve your relationship than to be angry and bitter with your partner.

Wishilivedinflorida · March 2023

Seriously? The guy who “just broke up with you” per your last post? Who was physically restraining you from calming your crying child?

Your post history is confusing and concerning here. You report a “mostly good” relationship but your previous posts tell another story.

My advice from your other post still stands. He doesn’t sound like a good guy to have another baby with. I know the drive to have children is strong and I can completely empathize with your feelings, but I don’t think this is a healthy relationship.

Wishilivedinflorida · March 2023

For reference, here is OP’s post a few days back in 9-12 months board:

I hate my boyfriend SOOOO much right now as we fight hard when I want to comfort and hold my LO to sleep and he wants him to cry himself to sleep.
This is happenening right now, as I write this.
He has begun to stop crying but this frustrates me more than anything.
And he's not my boyfriend anymore really, he broke up with me last night and I called in sick to work this morning because I don't trust him to actually look after our LO. I have no doubt in my mind that most of the day would have been crying had I not been right here.

But what to you do with an unreasonable partner that believes so much in the cry it out method they would restrain you from holding the LO?
Also, if your any part of police or just have been with a very bad partner and felt stuck, I'd like to hear from you too.

I try to make the best for my LO. So I want to show he is loved and provided for as he falls asleep.
Has anyone had a good night crying themselves to sleep?

inthewoods23 · March 2023

@Wishilivedinflorida omg I was like hold up weren't they broken up and you just confirmed my confusion 😂

00kim00 · March 2023

Oh geeze, what a waste of time. I guess part of my advice still stands- go to therapy and get some perspective on this relationship.

swizzlemalarkey · April 2023

Girlie, I’m not going to lie I thought y’all were in your early 20s, not almost 40 to be dealing with that drama.

I want another baby too but it’s not in the cards right now. So I get it, if this is real.
however, from your posts, the resentment will only get worse the more responsibility you add to the mix, AND…you haven’t really even entered the realm of toddlerhood, which is a beast. This is something I think about often as I’m the default parent as well. I think about how the heck I’m going to handle a toddler & a newborn and it makes me want to wait longer!!

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