My sister is upset about my pregnancy

Re: My sister is upset about my pregnancy

• 00kim00 member

  February 2023

  As someone who went through 7 years of infertility, I can completely understand your sister not looking/acting excited at your news. I don't know if your sister is experiencing infertility, has been TTC, or just has situational infertility (wants a family but is single, etc.), but I'm not sure it matters. You knew this news would upset her, and you probably knew her reaction would upset you, yet you chose to tell her how you did and take her expected reaction personally. She told you congrats (totally appropriate) then walked away to deal with her big feelings privately (also appropriate). She did not react in anger or even burden you with her tears and sadness, but she also didn't put on a fake show of emotions she wasn't feeling to please you. She didn't do anything wrong. You didn't necessarily do anything wrong either, but it's not fair to expect her to be excited about something you know it's hard for her then expect her to apologize for hurting YOU. It's ridiculous to expect her to apologize for her reaction. You don't necessarily have to apologize either, though you may want to if/when you're able to understand her perspective.

  
  

  Let me share what it feels like when somebody tells you that news, as someone who desperately wanted a baby I couldn't have. It's like a gut punch. The air is sucked out of your lungs, your throat closes, the tears come and you can't stop it. It's not even a conscious thought, the grief just overtakes you. When you have the time and space, you may be able to process it. Other people's news reminds you what you try not to think about- the pregnancy, baby, child, family, and life you want. Or maybe the baby you lost that people don't even know about because we hide such things in our society. You try not to let it consume you every day, but when it comes without warning, you can't prepare and brace yourself. This reaction is not uncommon, based on what I've heard from other women who are infertile, single not by choice, or who have experienced miscarriage.

  
  

  Being a mom is a life-changing and sometimes life defining thing. Think of your life one year from now, 10 years from now, 50 years from now. You're probably imagining it with that beautiful baby. Now think about it as if that child never existed. A totally different picture right? During my years of infertility, I did not want to live. That picture wasn't worth getting out of bed for. I have two nieces I've never met because I just couldn't handle the despair that overwhelmed me watching my brothers be called dad and my parents' joy with their grandkids, knowing I'd never have that. This isn't a 7 year old's desire for earrings, it's a very deep, adult pain. I am generally a very empathetic person who easily feels joy for others, but this is just too overwhelming. And it's not something generally acceptable to talk about.

  
  

  When you talk to your sister, I hope you don't expect her to apologize, and I hope you can treat her with compassion and kindness. Maybe try something like "I noticed my news the other day was hard for you. How are you doing?" 

  
  

  If there's anyone else in your life who may be experiencing infertility or loss, my advice is to send them the news via email or text (at a time of day they're likely to be home or with their supports rather than in public or at work) so they can process on their own before needing to respond to you. If there's anyone you really suspect will take it hard, like you expected with your sister, you can also ask them how much they want to hear about pregnancy/baby news and respect their need, even if it means avoiding the topic.

  
  

  When you're pregnant (especially in your situation, with a stable relationship and a wanted child) people come out of the woodwork to celebrate with you. Consider that your sister might need someone to help hold her sorrow more than you need someone to help share your joy. 

  
  

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