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My friend’s son died and I don’t know if I can help.

turtletaylor0522turtletaylor0522 member
in Late Term and Child Loss
Hi, my son was born in May and we started going to story time at the library when he was two months old. I made friends with another mom who had her son one week after I did. Our boys had just turned six months old when I saw a social media that her son died. It was SIDS. I have texted her and took her some food over the last couple of weeks, but I am starting to feel pushy.

We weren’t super close “besties” or anything, but we had talked a lot and had play dates outside of story time. She’s new to the state and doesn’t have a lot of friends and always expressed her appreciation for my friendship when we met up. Now I don’t want to leave her to be alone but I also worry that I (and my son) just remind her of what she lost. 

I’ve decided to not initiate contact after she ignored my last text, but I worry about her every day. I couldn’t imagine losing my son, especially unexpectedly. I know she needs a friend, but I’m worried I’m not the right person for her right now. Am I wrong to back off? My first instinct is to leave it where it is and let her make a move, but what if she needs someone to talk to and is not comfortable reaching out to initiate it? How do I best support my friend?
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Re: My friend’s son died and I don’t know if I can help.

  • ashbed07ashbed07 Newbie
    Hi! I lost a child shortly after birth and it really changes you, and not in nice ways and ways that you just can’t control. I disliked every person I knew with a child, I couldn’t go out in public for a long time, my friends reached out over and over but I didn’t even want to see them or talk to anyone. Turns you into someone you never thought you would be. And who knows how long it lasts.

    I say… keep reaching out. Not a lot but every couple of weeks. Just to let her know she is in your thoughts, and you are there for her whenever she is ready. I would not meet up with her with your child, until she lets you know she is ready.

    One thing that helped me was a pregnancy loss support group. Maybe there is one in your city she can reach out to. That way she can relate to others as she cannot relate to you right now unfortunately.

    Good luck and be patient!
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  • turtletaylor0522turtletaylor0522 member
    @ashbed07 Thank you for this reply. I’m sorry for your loss, and I appreciate that you shared your experience with me. <3

    I had not texted my friend since early December but I sent a text today and she really appreciated it. Now we have plans to go to the gym together this coming week. We have a lot in common, so the gym is a great, neutral, and healthy option for us to meet up. 

    Thank you so much for encouraging me to keep reaching out. She is an amazing woman and my heart breaks for her… especially because she’s new to our area and doesn’t have any family here. 
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