Coping with disappointment/fear

Re: Coping with disappointment/fear

• optimistgardener member

  January 2023 edited January 2023

  QFP

  Hi ladies,
  
  I'm almost 31yo and I had a moment in the past 3 weeks where I was convinced I was pregnant. My period has been irregular the past year but my ex and I did the deed, unprotected, right around the time I was experiencing ovulation symptoms eg lots of discharge etc. That was 12th dec. I then went through an emotionally stressful week since we decided to break up. The following week my body didn't feel right and I was sure I was having either the worst PMS of my life or it was implantation. Cramping on my left side, my aereolas got huge, painful breasts and sensitive nipples, diarrhea and constipation on other days, full on cramps etc. My pms is usually cramps and that's it. I started testing like a maniac, total of 7 HPTs to date. The following week (on 31st) AF comes and my heart is shattered. It was crazy heavy with lots of clots, started dark then bright red(tmi sorry).
  
  I've obsessively watched youtube and went through forums convincing myself that it's possible to have a miracle despite logic glaring at me that there's no way. I had an ectopic 4 years ago but I wasn't ready for a baby then so while it broke my heart I was able to see the positive. This time around I didn't realize how desperately I wanted a baby until my 'pregnancy symptoms' slowly disappeared each day of my period and each time I got a BFN. I feel like my time is running out and I'm terrified.
  
  Anyone who is dealing/has dealt with disappointment, any tips on coping?

  hi @prayingforbaby23 lots of us here have coped with disappointment, many of us for years. i'm sorry that you've been through some rough stuff in the past few weeks. however, we don't normally do one-off posts like this. Re: your biological clock, you're still young at 31 and have time to find a partner you'd want to co-parent with. However, if you can afford it/have insurance that covers it, you might consider banking your young, 31-year-old eggs as insurance in case it takes a while to find the "right person" or in case you eventually decide to go it alone.

  
  

  History

  I am doing this on my own. Left ovary and fallopian tube removed due to cyst/necrosis just after birth. Right ovary and tube still purport to function.

  Began TTC in Aug '18 @ age 35

  5 or 6 (or 7?!) cycles using frozen donor sperm, ICI. All BFN

  Mar-Jun '19 IUIs, all BFN
  

  Began process of referral for RE in spring of '19, blood tests confirm low AMH (.54) but all else is good.

  May '19 HSG shows open tube, but ultrasound suggests fibroids
  

  MRI in June '19 confirms two large fibroids, one growing through wall of uterus

  In June '19 I move from California to Oregon, disrupting my insurance, referrals, etc. 5 months spent piecing it all back together.
  

  Nov. '19 attempted myomectomy (vaginal approach) failed. 2nd surgery using laparoscopic method in Jan '20 is successful.
  

  April '20 --> June '20, natural IUIs, all BFN.

  July? saline ultrasound and bubble test demonstrate open tube
  

  July '20 clomid cycle cancelled for thin lining

  Aug-Oct, 3 femara cycles, all BFN

  RE referral. While waiting to set up an appointment Nov-Jan,I continue with natural cycles and ICI, using a known donor, BFN...
  

  Jan '21 more bloodwork, AMH is worse (.30), FSH high albeit not catastrophic at 13.2. hysteroscopy all good. "looks cozy!" says the RE.
  

  Feb '21, injectables (menopur, novarel), iui, BFN (doc said the frozen donor sperm sample had the "best numbers she'd ever seen!")
  

  Mar '21, injectables, iui cancelled due to lack of follicles, converted to at home-insem. BFN
  

  May '21, first IVF round cancelled due to cyst.

  July '21 IVF: standard antagonist. 225menupur/225gonal-f/cetrotide/5000u trigger, AFC 7; 6 days of stims. 8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilize, 4 made it to blast. 3 are 4AB, 1 is 4BB. PGT-A results all abnormal.
  Oct '21 somewhat improved AMH (.51) and significantly improved FSH (8.9). Maybe it's all the pills I swallow.
  Dec -21, standard antagonist. 225menupur/225gonal-f/cetrotide/5000u trigger, AFC 5; 11 days of stims. retrieval yields 5, 4M, 2 reach day-6 blast (4AB & 4BB). 1 low-level mosaic (chr. 3 deletion), 1 complex abnormal.
  Feb '22 FET (low-level mosaic): CP.
  May '22 egg retrieval, lupron flare protocol. HGH priming for 1 month before stims; md lupron 20/20u daily; menopur 225, follistim 225, 10k trigger after 8 days of stims; AFC 10; 13 retrieved; 10 mature; 8 fertilized. All frozen at 2PN for later thaw, grow, and biopsy.
  July '22 egg retrieval same protocol: 9 days of stims; AFC 8; 10 retrieved, 8 mature, 4 fertilized and frozen.
  Sept '22 ER same protocol: AFC 10; 12 retrieved, 11 mature, 11 fertilized.
  From the 3 retrievals, 7 survived to day 5-6 blastocyst, from which I have 2 normal embryos!
  Jan 20, Fully medicated FET, baby aspirin, dexamethasone, acupuncture, and as much woo as I can stand (which isn't very much). BFN.
  July 23, Natural FET + baby aspirin. BFN.
  

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• blacksnoww member

  January 2023

  Hi, I am sorry you are going thorough this. I do hope everything will be positive. x

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