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I was abortion shamed by close friend and I don’t know how to forgive her.

mamainthemaking23mamainthemaking23 Newbie
in Late Term and Child Loss
I’m speechless and need advice. At 18 weeks pregnant we got the devastating news that our child would have severe abnormalities that would affect their life. We made the heartbreaking decision to have a 2nd term D&E. One of my closest friends that I had confided in had been supportive the entire pregnancy but when I told her we were having an abortion she tried to talk me out of it, literally told me not to do it and that she would rather adopt my (unborn) child so they could live. This was the day before my D&E! I’m really struggling with how I can move on from her hurtful words and try to forgive her for the sake of our friendship. Please help!
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Re: I was abortion shamed by close friend and I don’t know how to forgive her.

  • 00kim0000kim00 member
    First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Second, it sounds to me like your friend was supportive and offering help to save your child's life. Personally, I think that calls for thanks and appreciation, not forgiveness. However, you clearly feel differently.

    Rather than trying to "move on", forgive and get back to being friends like before, how about trying a conversation with your friend? Let her know how her words made you feel and see what her reaction is. She may be sorry and apologetic, in which case you could discuss how to move forward and if there's anything you need from her to forgive her. She may double down, or even be mad at you for going through with it, and not want forgiveness. If that's the case, do you want to continue a friendship with her? Does she want to continue a friendship with you? If you're at a point where she views you as a baby killer while you view her as an abortion shamer, it's not going to be a healthy relationship for either of you, and it may be time to move on in separate directions. Either way, you don't want to just ignore it, you need to know where you stand with each other to have an authentic friendship.
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  • knottie_knottie1knottie_knottie1 member
    I disagree with PP. To me it doesn't sound like your friend was being "supportive", but instead she was being judgemental and pushing her values onto you when instead you needed someone just to be there for you during this difficult time.

    I think you need to evaluate if this is a friendship you want to keep and, if so, have an honest discussion with her about how her comments hurt you during a time in which you were hurting and very vulnerable.
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