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January 2023 Moms
emilyen
member
What should I do
emilyen
member
Hi, I'm a university student. My due date is on Jan. 6, 2023. It's an unplanned pregnancy. I kept feeling unwell in June so I have a day off and have myself checked. Then the report said that I'm 11 weeks pregnant. I'm expecting the child to come before the Christmas holiday ends. I'm quite anxiety because of the unexpected pregnancy. I myself made the decision not to have induced abortion. I don't want to fall behind other students so I only asked for two days off except the holidays and weekends to have myself checked in hospital. Also, I dare not tell my parents, roommates and friends about my pregnancy, and I didn't go home this Christmas and lived in a rent house. (It's hard to hide. I've tried my best not to eat much during pregnancy and since the beginning of winter, I‘ve always been wearing thick clothes to cover my pregnant belly.) I feel awfully lonely and helpless because nobody but my boyfriend knows about my pregnancy. However he has gone home since the Christmas holiday began. Now no one is by my side to accompany me or take care of me. However, I can feel that the day of my baby's arrival is getting nearer and nearer. Since I'm now living in a small city and I'm afraid to run into someone who knows me in public places, so I want to choose home birth, but I'm afraid of childbirth accidents. So many things come up to me and I'm at a loss what to do next.
Re: What should I do
I'm concerned about a few of the things you said that sound like you may not have received any (or very little) prenatal care. Have you been seeing an obgyn or midwife regularly? If not, please get an appointment ASAP. Let them know how far along you are and that you haven't had prenatal care so they can get you in urgently. Regardless of how you feel about the baby, pregnancy can have some serious complications (some of which which can lead to death) for you that they need to keep an eye on. So please get checked out. Don't worry about people seeing you go there, it's normal for non -pregnant women to see obgyn (or in some places midwives) for well woman checks and other female issues; it's not a billboard saying you're pregnant.
While a home birth can be a great choice for some people, if you make that choice you'll want to have a professional midwife there with you, who can identify if there's a problem where you need to be transferred to a hospital. Also keep in mind that a home birth typically allows little to no medical pain relief, so you'll want to have a plan for how you're going to manage your pain. From your post, I'm guessing you haven't taken any childbirth classes, so you likely haven't learned about techniques like HypnoBirthing or the Bradley Method, etc. They're not totally necessary, but it can be helpful to have an idea of what to expect and how to manage the pain. A hospital birth offers more options for pain relief and dealing with emergencies, and requires less preparation (and depending on where you live and what insurance you have, may be significantly less expensive).
Finally, do you want to raise this child? If so, he/she isn't going to be a secret for long, and your close friends and family may be hurt you hadn't told them sooner. So I'd suggest coming up with a plan to tell them. You'll also need a lot of support and baby things (car seat, safe sleep space, diapers, and clothes at a minimum, plus a way to feed your baby weather it's planning to breastfeed or bottles and formula). I don't know where you live, but in many places there are social services agencies that can help you get support if you don't have family, friends, or finances to help. If you're in the US, you can call 211 for help in finding those.
If you don't want to raise this child, or you're not sure, now's the time to find an adoption agency so you can get some support (many offer counseling and may even have financial support for your medical bills and possibly even living expenses such as the housing you've had to rent over the break). You can also start learning about the process and start looking for a family for your baby. Many adoption agencies are supportive of birth moms and offer counseling to help you make the best decision for you and your baby. It's okay to explore adoption and change your mind (even if you've accepted support with your bills, though please don't defraud someone just to get your bills paid- real people get hurt if you're not serious).
I don't know what part of the world you live in (I have a feeling it may not be the US), but if you want to give us an idea of your nearest major city, and your thoughts on if you definitely want to raise this child, definitely don't, or aren't sure, we may be able to help point you towards the right resources.
Concerning home birth I'm not quite sure. Of course I've asked some doctors. Some of them said home birth is possible for me according the results of prenatal examination. They said that giving birth in hospital might not be a good chioce for me because it's too expensive for college students like me. However, some doctors said that home birth is not recommended because they're not sure whether inertia of uterus may happen. Moreover, my boyfriend opposes home birth firmly. That's why I can't decide which to choose.
I'm not living in English-speaking districts of America and my first language is not English. After my boyfriend and I know that I'm pregnant, we both decide to find an adoption agency. However, as the baby is growing up, I began to hesitate: throwing my own child to an adoption agency is neither moral nor responsible of me and, then, my boyfriend can't decide either.
My parents are very strict with me and that's why during pregnancy I always stick to my university courses, no matter how unwell I feel. For a thousand times I was about to tell them about my pregnancy when I stopped fearfully. I've blamed myself for many times for my carelessness, for my frivolousness and for my timidity. However, I dare not tell them.
If cost is a major factor for you, you can research it now. With the cost of hospital vs home birth, you should be able to call the hospital to ask for a cost estimate and if there is any assistance for people who don't have much money. For a home birth, you still need a midwife, so you can ask your obgyn for a recommendation and then call to ask cost. It's true that you may start with a home birth but need a transfer to a hospital if there are complications, be so you may end up paying for both. I hope your boyfriend is able to help pay for the cost of whichever you choose, and/or there are assistance programs for you.
Please don't think that adoption is immoral or irresponsible. It can be a moral and responsible choice- finding your child a loving, stable family that can provide for them when you can't can be a selfless and loving act. Again, I don't know what part of the world you live in, and I am aware that adoption agencies in some countries can be predatory. In the US, and I'm sure other countries, open adoptions are common, where you as birth mom can choose the level of involvement you want in your child's life- none, letters and pictures from the adoptive family, or even ongoing visits (maybe seeing your child a few times a year or more). You don't have to choose adoption, you can raise your child, but adoption isn't a bad choice.
Telling your parents is also an option, they may surprise you. You can try including a family member or friend who you know will be supportive and have them help you tell your parents. Your parents may be supportive, or may not, and that may help you decide what to do. If your parents are supportive, that may help you decide to raise your child; if they aren't, that may help you decide to look into adoption. I have to say, I have a teenage stepson who would probably describe us as strict and I could imagine him telling people similar things as you're saying. But, if he came to us with a pregnant girlfriend, we would absolutely rally behind them and support them. You know your parents way better than I do, but how you think they may react may not be what they really do.
If you live in an area with reputable adoption agencies or crisis pregnancy centers, I would suggest contacting them to get personalized support and counseling. Then you can decide if you want to tell your parents or if you want to continue to keep it a secret. If you decide there's no way you want your parents to ever know, then adoption is probably your only option. If you're open to sharing with your parents, you may want to do that first to help you decide if adoption or raising your child is the best choice for you.
> If the obgyn has been following your pregnancy and is happy with how often you've been in, you're probably fine with that.
>
> If cost is a major factor for you, you can research it now. With the cost of hospital vs home birth, you should be able to call the hospital to ask for a cost estimate and if there is any assistance for people who don't have much money. For a home birth, you still need a midwife, so you can ask your obgyn for a recommendation and then call to ask cost. It's true that you may start with a home birth but need a transfer to a hospital if there are complications, be so you may end up paying for both. I hope your boyfriend is able to help pay for the cost of whichever you choose, and/or there are assistance programs for you.
>
> Please don't think that adoption is immoral or irresponsible. It can be a moral and responsible choice- finding your child a loving, stable family that can provide for them when you can't can be a selfless and loving act. Again, I don't know what part of the world you live in, and I am aware that adoption agencies in some countries can be predatory. In the US, and I'm sure other countries, open adoptions are common, where you as birth mom can choose the level of involvement you want in your child's life- none, letters and pictures from the adoptive family, or even ongoing visits (maybe seeing your child a few times a year or more). You don't have to choose adoption, you can raise your child, but adoption isn't a bad choice.
>
> Telling your parents is also an option, they may surprise you. You can try including a family member or friend who you know will be supportive and have them help you tell your parents. Your parents may be supportive, or may not, and that may help you decide what to do. If your parents are supportive, that may help you decide to raise your child; if they aren't, that may help you decide to look into adoption. I have to say, I have a teenage stepson who would probably describe us as strict and I could imagine him telling people similar things as you're saying. But, if he came to us with a pregnant girlfriend, we would absolutely rally behind them and support them. You know your parents way better than I do, but how you think they may react may not be what they really do.
>
> If you live in an area with reputable adoption agencies or crisis pregnancy centers, I would suggest contacting them to get personalized support and counseling. Then you can decide if you want to tell your parents or if you want to continue to keep it a secret. If you decide there's no way you want your parents to ever know, then adoption is probably your only option. If you're open to sharing with your parents, you may want to do that first to help you decide if adoption or raising your child is the best choice for you.
Thank you very much for your help. Just now I had a phone call with my boyfriend regarding whether to send our child to the adoption center or not. He has told his parents about my pregnancy. He said that his parents agreed to raise the child temporarily if we promise to get married as soon as my graduation and manage to make a living to raise the child. He also encouraged me to tell my parents about my pregnancy and I plan to do so this afternoon. I've also telephoned the hospital in a big city nearby. I might not be able to afford to give birth in hospital. I also sought advice from a midwife and I may be able to afford to give birth at home and my prenatal report shows that home birth will probably be safe for me.
Thank you again for your help. Now many things become clear for me. I think I am able to solve the remaining problems with my boyfriend. Good luck to us.