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Delete if not allowed . Am I wrong here?

katb2021katb2021 member
in Parenting
So my baby is 6 month old . She will only sleep on the couch. Pls don’t judge! Tried crib , pack and play. She will not sleep in it! So long story short. She sleeps on couch and she is a light sleeper. My husband’s dad comes over with the girlfriend to visit. It’s time for the baby to go to sleep 8 pm. She is crying , fussing, I m trying to comfort her so she will go to bed. They r on another couch (the two living rooms next door) watching tv. Tv blaring , they r taking, then go to the kitchen to get food to take to the couch. And this is all when I m trying to make baby to sleep. Then the dad falls asleep on the couch and starts snoring. The entire house can hear him. I told my husband that they don’t have any common sense or class. They couch have gone to their room which has the tv and done all that noise there. He told me I hate his family. Now we r on the divorce path. Am I wrong?  
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Re: Delete if not allowed . Am I wrong here?

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    00kim0000kim00 member
    Yes, you are wrong. I think you already know that putting baby to sleep on the couch is dangerous on many levels, but you've decided you don't care- from my understanding, you're not asking if you should use the couch as a sleep space, correct?

    So you're considering divorcing your husband because his family, who are temporarily visiting, hang out in the family/living room. If we're talking common sense, most people would assume the living room is where you hang out (do your "living") until you're ready to go to bed (in the "bed" room). Most people would also think a baby would sleep in a bedroom as well; I don't know anyone who would assume the baby sleeps on a couch unless you told them, and even then they may not believe you because it's so well known that it's dangerous.

    I get that you're probably tired and just want baby to sleep, so you're also cranky. But this one is on you for lack of communication. It was your place when dad came over to tell him "baby goes to sleep at 8pm on the couch in the living room, so from that time until 6am, we need to have that space just for him." Then, as it approached 8, reminded him and asked him to move to another space. Since banishing guests to their bedrooms at 8:00 is unusual and some may say poor hosting, it would've been even better to have that conversation before dad made plans so he could choose to stay in a hotel if that made him more comfortable. Now, if you had done all that and dad chose to be loud and not move when you politely reminded him, then the rudeness is on him (still not your husband, so not sure why the divorce talk?). At that point, you could ask your husband to deal with his dad. If you did that and your husband refused, then your husband could take over putting baby to sleep. 

    So getting mad and talking about divorce is uncalled for. There were several opportunities for you to remedy this situation that would have been more "right".

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    katb2021katb2021 member
    thank you for your feedback. Yes u r right I m very tired and cranky being up all night making sure my baby is okay on the couch and pumping milk. And all I want at that point is for baby to sleep,  My husband takes melatonin and goes to sleep on the bed every single night and closes the door so his sleep is not disturbed. So my anger and crankiness is coming from that as well 
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    00kim0000kim00 member
    Ah yes, husband getting to sleep while you're up all night would definitely make me cranky at him! I saw one mom post somewhere on this site how she and her husband do nights (she still breastfeeds) and I thought it was brilliant and it might actually work for you. She has her husband take first shift in the living room with baby when baby goes to bed at 8-9, then mom goes to bed in the bedroom at the same time. So mom sleeps, baby sleeps, Dad is awake or dozing on the couch. If baby wakes up, Dad takes care of diapers, brings mom baby to feed, then takes baby back to burp and bed in the living room, mom goes back to sleep in the bedroom. Around 1-2am, they switch off baby duty, Dad's off the clock and gets a solid 5 hours until he needs to get up for work. Mom gets interrupted once or twice while "off", but just feeds and dad takes care of the rest, so she gets a chunk of sleep, too, then dozes in the living room while Dad sleeps in the bedroom (or dad continues on the living room but brings baby to the bedroom with mom). It sounds simple, but when I heard of separating where each parent sleeps and putting a pack n play in the living room, I somehow thought it was genius.
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    katb2021katb2021 member
    thank u for sharing. I m going to have to talk to him. Things has to change. I can’t keep doing it on my own anymore 
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    00kim0000kim00 member
    Good luck! I hope you figure it out, he steps up, and there's some sleep in your (very near) future. 
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    katb2021katb2021 member
    I have been trying to crib train her all night.  She woke up every hour . I told my husband this morning if he wants his dad come watch tv and eat pies in the living room he is gonna have to pitch in with the crib training. Will see how it goes. Did not get a response back. Tonight is his turn. 
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    00kim0000kim00 member
    Unfortunately sleep training of any sort takes time (at least a week, more likely weeks), so the best way forward for this trip is a conversation with Grandpa on what you need from him (leaving the living room to baby and quiet during whatever hours).

    For sleep training, in general, you'll have the most success changing habits starting with the first nap of the day. Once you get her to take her first nap in the crib, then you can work on the next nap. Once all the naps are in the crib and she's used to that as a sleep space, then your chances of getting her to sleep in the crib at night are much better. Waking up every hour is actually totally expected, that's how long sleep cycles last, so she wakes up after each cycle realizing that she's in a weird place and she hasn't yet learned to self soothe to get back to sleep so she calls to you for help. Sleep training is hard! And yes, your husband definitely needs to pitch in, at a minimum to give you a break to recharge.
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    knottieb0799ebac9f21024knottieb0799ebac9f21024 member
    Feeling all alone is so hard, especially when you're the only feeder. I found pumping and handing off some responsibilities to dad can work really well. My husband and I split nights 50/50 Because pumping and or feeding is a full time job plus baby care. Set the habits with your significant other early so that the expectation of baby care isn't solely on your shoulders. Pumps are free through most insurances and once your milk comes in oversupply can help buffer a few feeds to give you relaxation time to pump and watch a show or read a book. That pumped milk can be bottle fed to baby just watch out for nipple confusion. The first few months are so so hard for moms and babies. Babies can be so picky so making sure you have a routine (sleep sack, swaddle, sound machine, etc.) at night is a good way to set a normal schedule with little babies. It's easy to resent anything or anyone who is making your job harder so recognize when that feeling starts and try to communicate what you and baby need to be successful. If your relationship with your in laws is strained, it's okay to set the expectation that you communicate with your side of the family and your husband communicates with his. Having awkward or uncomfortable conversations with your own parents is easier than with someone else's.
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