How easy is it?

Re: How easy is it?

• swizzlemalarkey member

  July 2022

  I don’t think parenting is easy for anyone. And no, my partner does not and has never helped a lot. My H watches our son (almost 2) one day a week when I am at work. When our son was a baby he rarely ever watched him alone. other than that, I am the default parent. It’s frustrating sometimes but that’s how he was raised and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to change that about him. 

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• turtletaylor0522 member

  July 2022 edited July 2022

  I hate to say it, because it may be annoying, but my husband and I are really enjoying parenting. Our son is a really easy baby, so that helps. Overall I do most things because I’m not working right now. DH works from home two days a week, goes in two days a week, and is off Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We spend lots of time with LO together and individually. I will say, diapers (and night feedings when he was younger) are often up to me, along with baths. If LO is gassy or just in a bad mood DH doesn’t want to be super involved until he’s settled again. But that’s rare, and if I’m not able to help (like I went to volunteer at a shelter last week and left LO with him) he’s willing to take over. 

  
  

  I’d say you may just need to sit down and talk about what is and isn’t working. Clearly state what you are bothered by and suggest a solution. Use non-accusatory phrasing. (Ex: Instead of “when you leave the baby to cry it out it makes me mad” say “I get upset when we leave the baby to cry it out.”) If it’s really difficult and you’re fighting a lot, consider couples therapy. Babies are a huge stressor for a relationship and a good therapist can give you the communication tools you need to get through it!

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• 00kim00 member

  July 2022

  I'm pregnant with my first now, but I'm also a stepmom and foster mom, so I've seen my husband parent. With my stepson, my husband is the primary parent. It's probably an 80/20 workload now, though at times in the past it has approached maybe 55/45 when he was younger, but my husband has always been primary (he has custody, so stepson is with us all the time except 3 visits a year with his mom). Fostering we're about 50/50. When we had a baby, I probably did 2/3 of the night feedings, all the solid meals, most of the daytime bottles, and bedtime book reading. He did baths, daycare dropoffs and pickups, and took over weekend mornings all together so I could sleep in. General daytime care, diapers, play, etc. we split pretty evenly. If both kids needed attention, he typically took stepson and I took baby. I got an hour a day to workout, he got regular time to do things he needed/wanted to do. We're pretty well balanced overall. I'm not sure how things will change with the new baby, but I'm anticipating with breastfeeding I'll naturally have a heavier workload with him, though I would think my husband would then take on more of the cooking and shopping and such (typically more my responsibility).
  
  We've certainly had some conversations to get to this point, but my husband in general is pretty conscientious so they're not difficult discussions. For the most part (baby-wise), I do the stuff I like (with him frequently offering to take over/give me a break) and ask him to do the things I don't like (slippery babies in baths are scary!), and we split the things that no one loves. We're also more mature/older so that may play a role (I'm 41, he's 45).

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• carissa-5541w member

  October 2022 edited October 2022

  My partner and I try to split everything but it is hard when baby is young and just wants their mom.  Especially if you are exclusively breastfeeding like I am.  During the week it is 100% me doing naps, play & feeds.  If baby wakes up early he always takes him in the morning before work so I can sleep a bit since I do the night shift.  He also works from home and does pretty much all of the diapers.  Evenings we split holding baby & making dinner.  He also always does bath time. 

  
  

  Weekends I always get a sleep in day.  I pump a bottle for my baby and my partner takes him for his first nap.  Then depending on the day he does naps or I do them.  I always do bedtime though it's just easier for me to do it.  Then we have the evening to hang out.

  
  

  I knew before having a baby we would be splitting tasks.  I refuse to be a default parent, it’s a job we both have to do.  I don’t think I could parent with someone I didn’t trust.  We had all these conversations before baby came.  It works really well for us and I don’t get burnt out doing everything around the house.

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• knottief9c3b9056288c01c member

  October 2022

  Becoming a parent is a huge adjustment, I think the adjustment is harder than the actual parenting.. if that makes sense.  When my babies cry, I can't focus on anything else so needless to say, I have never been good with the cry it out method. As they get older I will let them cry for a little bit longer to see if they settle themselves or start to self sooth, but after bit, maybe 5ish minutes, I comfort and try to soothe them myself. 
   In my situation, we've settled into our roles and  decided that I will take on most of this stuff when they are babies and he helps more with our older one. We've also decided that I handle all night time obligations and then he takes the responsibilities for a while in the morning so I can sleep a bit.  This is usually the easier time of day for the baby so he is comfortable handling that stretch of time. Like everyone else has said, communication is key! Just a suggestion from my own experience  - Maybe try to approach it as a problem you both need to solve together instead of each trying to prove to the other that you're right.   No one has it completely figured out all the time but you will figure it out,  and remember that this time is so short in the big picture so it doesn't need to be perfect, it's all temporary.  I hope this is going better for you!

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• knottiec1bd6c5399b4642a member

  October 2022 edited October 2022

  That sounds really tough!
  
  I'm pregnant with my second now. With my first, my husband did almost all the diaper changes and baths for the first month of life. Since I was breastfeeding, which took a lot of my time, that was our trade off. For the first couple weeks, my husband also got up with me to do night feedings because I was having a hard time (physically and emotionally) with establishing breastfeeding. For the first year of life, we split responsibilities for watching baby about equally (his mom also helped). I'm a professor, and he was a grad student, so we both had flexible schedules at the time.  For the next two years, I worked more and my husband took on most of the childcare as we didn't want to send my daughter to daycare in the early days of the pandemic. 
  
  This time, my husband has a new job and isn't eligible for FMLA, unfortunately. I'm taking a longer leave and will have more childcare responsibilities as a result. However, evenings and weekends will be an equal split. For the first few months, that might mean he takes the lead with my older daughter since I'll need to be breastfeeding often. 
  
  In my experience, besides breastfeeding, there's nothing dad can't do that mom can. I think it's critical that dads get one-on-one time with baby when they're the ones responsible so that they can develop their confidence in their own parenting abilities. I just went to my daughter in the middle of the night because she was crying, and who did she want? Daddy 🙂
  
  Oh, and to answer the original question, parenting isn't easy. I had an "easy" baby the first time, and it was (and still is) exhausting to parent! 
  

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• knottie0d96a6c02425a169 member

  October 2022

  My husband and I are really enjoying being new parents. Our son , 5mo, has always been a good night sleeper, which I think might be the difference for most people. Getting good sleep often really does help your mindset on everything else. I am a SAHM all day, and my husband works nights, so he sees our son for a few hours in the morning, then wakes up for dinner time and helps with our bedtime routine on his work days because I do the night shift alone. Our son wakes up maybe twice a night and I pump when he wakes up. On his nights off, he takes baby duty all night and I just wake up halfway through the night to pump. Since I am home all day with the baby, I do most of the housework because I don't think it's fair that he works all day and comes home to do an even share of chores. He does usually wash bottles and handle meal dishes though. Our son likes play mat time and bouncer time though, so I do that in the room I need to get stuff done in and make faces and talk to him while I do chores. When mu husband is off, he plays with him while I chore (though, he has never once asked me to do any of it aside from maybe a load of laundry when his work clothes are all covered in spit up). It sounds like you need to talk to him about feeling overwhelmed. It's not fair to ask you do it all and men don't understand subtle hints or even clear hints. Tell him what you need and if he is a supportive partner, he will provide it.

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