2nd Trimester
pinkb0wz
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Moving closer to In Laws
pinkb0wz
member
We finally are pulling the plug and purchasing a home. We have a beautiful baby on the way so
this would be perfect to stop renting and grow our family. I don’t get along with my wench MIL, and basically my entire in laws…. unfortunately after 5 years of home shopping and looking around we decided to move outside of our comfort zone and 1 hour away from where we currently live which homes are half the price compared to where we currently live now. The unfortunate part is that the city will be 20 minutes away from my in laws, I do NOT want
them coming over making excuses because we live closer or because they want to see the baby.
Okay, before anyone says anything this is what happened…. I have had conversations with my MIL and asked her if she would be able to help out while we go to work and we will continue to pay for their house, property taxes, and living expenses, but once the baby comes in order to do that I need help babysitting. She gave me a whole speech about how she grew up poor and had to live with 10+ other people family members that is and she raised 10+ kids etc…. then said nope I will no longer babysit, I raised so many kids already, I am tired I am old, too many reasons/excuses, etc. YES, if she is done she’s done, BUT she can’t have it all, have her bills all paid for while she doesn’t help us out in return. Baby is not going to watch itself.
After knowing this because I don’t have any other family to help out babysit and I do need to continue to work so we out off having a child for 10 years just because we needed to continue to work and help pay for the in laws house and bills. While we were also struggling to pay for our own rent and living expenses. Only this past recent 2 years we stopped paying for their living expenses because we are renting and never able to save for our own place while they live in a giant 4 bedroom house. No one else in my husbands family pitched in for their house or anything else, all living rent and cost free. ALSO this was NOT my choice to pay for their bills, it was slapped onto my husband before we got married and he never listened nor wanted to discuss passing the bills back to his family so he can start his own. Also he is stubborn so he really doesn’t communicate well and also does not listen he just becomes silent and never has been a communicator. Yes I married this man there’s a lot I can’t post in this one post sharing, but in general I made the choices I did to have a better future for my husband and I and that did not include living check to check paying for his families bills and leaving us with nothing.
MIL had the audacity to sit me and everyone down for two hours everhone pointing fingers at me saying how I am the one causing a barrier in everyone’s relationships and putting my husband in the middle, no lady I never did that, I gave all the respect, love, and space to everyone in his family not only until she sat us down like this and called me a liar and a bad person. I did not place my husband in the middle it was his decision to stop helping his parents out so we can start a family of our own. Not everyone makes lots of money to support two families. Plus they shouldn’t have the house if they cannot afford it. Sell it, down size or do whatever you can to make it affordable for themselves.
Advice on keeping the boundaries loud and clesr
to in my laws?
this would be perfect to stop renting and grow our family. I don’t get along with my wench MIL, and basically my entire in laws…. unfortunately after 5 years of home shopping and looking around we decided to move outside of our comfort zone and 1 hour away from where we currently live which homes are half the price compared to where we currently live now. The unfortunate part is that the city will be 20 minutes away from my in laws, I do NOT want
them coming over making excuses because we live closer or because they want to see the baby.
Okay, before anyone says anything this is what happened…. I have had conversations with my MIL and asked her if she would be able to help out while we go to work and we will continue to pay for their house, property taxes, and living expenses, but once the baby comes in order to do that I need help babysitting. She gave me a whole speech about how she grew up poor and had to live with 10+ other people family members that is and she raised 10+ kids etc…. then said nope I will no longer babysit, I raised so many kids already, I am tired I am old, too many reasons/excuses, etc. YES, if she is done she’s done, BUT she can’t have it all, have her bills all paid for while she doesn’t help us out in return. Baby is not going to watch itself.
After knowing this because I don’t have any other family to help out babysit and I do need to continue to work so we out off having a child for 10 years just because we needed to continue to work and help pay for the in laws house and bills. While we were also struggling to pay for our own rent and living expenses. Only this past recent 2 years we stopped paying for their living expenses because we are renting and never able to save for our own place while they live in a giant 4 bedroom house. No one else in my husbands family pitched in for their house or anything else, all living rent and cost free. ALSO this was NOT my choice to pay for their bills, it was slapped onto my husband before we got married and he never listened nor wanted to discuss passing the bills back to his family so he can start his own. Also he is stubborn so he really doesn’t communicate well and also does not listen he just becomes silent and never has been a communicator. Yes I married this man there’s a lot I can’t post in this one post sharing, but in general I made the choices I did to have a better future for my husband and I and that did not include living check to check paying for his families bills and leaving us with nothing.
MIL had the audacity to sit me and everyone down for two hours everhone pointing fingers at me saying how I am the one causing a barrier in everyone’s relationships and putting my husband in the middle, no lady I never did that, I gave all the respect, love, and space to everyone in his family not only until she sat us down like this and called me a liar and a bad person. I did not place my husband in the middle it was his decision to stop helping his parents out so we can start a family of our own. Not everyone makes lots of money to support two families. Plus they shouldn’t have the house if they cannot afford it. Sell it, down size or do whatever you can to make it affordable for themselves.
Advice on keeping the boundaries loud and clesr
to in my laws?
Answers
That said, all of life isn't summarized in one post, so there may be many things MIL has done that bother you, and maybe you have tried addressing it like an adult to no avail. And regardless, it's okay to have boundaries, including who, when, and how long people come to visit. First, get on the same page with your husband. If your feelings are really all about the house but your husband has a good relationship with his family, I'm not sure it's reasonable to say they're not ever allowed in your home (it is your husband's home, too), so when you discuss with your husband, have a range of ideas you're comfortable with. If he's unlikely to agree with no access, how about when you're not home, only once a week, for up to 30 minutes, you spending that time in your room, etc. Have at least 4 options to discuss with your husband, then come up with something you can both be happy with. This is absolutely key- your husband needs to be in 100% agreement with the boundaries, and not grudgingly so. Next, the rule with in-laws is family deals with family. Your husband would then take your agreed-upon boundaries to his mom and family and make it clear to them. If they violate it, he deals with it. He's going to be the one responsible for communicating and enforcing the boundaries (see why he has to be on board?). If he doesn't deal with it, then you talk with your husband about it; if there's a problem, it's a husband problem, not an in-law problem. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your husband, so I don't know how well this would work, but that's probably the only way it will work.