Should we be expecting a gift?

Re: Should we be expecting a gift?

• ravenhairedgirl83 member

  September 2022

  Offering an opinion since you are asking - I wouldn't expect a gift or anything material. I know many parents try to discourage visitors for their new baby until they invite them and encourage it. I understand that it would certainly feel nice to recieve calls/texts/emails/video calls checking on you and asking how you're doing but I have learned that some people are simply not good about doing that. Another thing to consider, they are going through a lot of emotional turmoil with IVF issues, so they may not be up for further celebration at this time. 

  Report0 Reply
• Loading the player...
• ravenhairedgirl83 member

  September 2022 edited September 2022

  (deleting duplicate post) 

  Report0 Reply
• 00kim00 member

  September 2022

  janeymac1234 said:

  Hi guys
  
  Posting here because I'm not sure where to get advice from. If this is the wrong forum I apologize.
  
  My husbands brother and his wife have been struggling to have a baby. They have had a number of miscarriages this year and one last year, and are currently in the middle of IVF, with a transfer soon.
  
  My husband and I recently had our 2nd baby, this is the 5th child the family (my SIL has 3). My husbands mom told my BIL about our latest arrival.
  
  Other than a message to congratulate us, BIL and his wife have offered no other congratulations. There has been no offer to visit the baby, checking how the baby is doing or even send a gift.
  
  Am I wrong to expect something for our new baby?

  Please don't expect something for the baby, and don't be offended they didn't get you anything. It's not about you or the baby, they're in an extremely difficult place. Infertility is so traumatic, and babies are triggers. There were years where I'd have loved to support my friends or family, but walking through a baby aisle, shopping for a card, or looking through someone's online registry would trigger a breakdown and I was left crying and non-functional for hours. A text to say congratulations would be all I could muster, and even that was so incredibly hard and would take me days to be able to get to a mental place to send. And that's before the time, energy, emotional toll, and financial implications of IVF. Add to that the babies they lost- they are grieving their babies (at least 3?), and you're expecting them to celebrate yours. If you had a good friend whose child just died, would you expect them to buy you a gift while grieving? Probably not; you'd probably be bringing them meals.

  
  

  Also, as far as I can tell, you/your husband didn't even tell them about the baby (only your mother in law did?), on top of everything else, they may be offended by that regardless of infertility trauma.

  Report2 Reply
• janeymac1234 member

  September 2022

  Yes we did not tell them directly about the baby as we didn't know how to tell them without upsetting them

  Report0 Reply
• ashleyjane1988 member

  September 2022

  Please do not be upset about them not doing more. They may not even know that you expected a gift. One of my sisters had her second baby last year. I did not buy a gift for the baby as it was her second child. Usually a baby shower gift is only expected when the parents have their first child. Also, I had an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year after 15 years of inferility. It is hard to even get out of bed some days and I have not been very engaged with my family. That is unusual for me because I have always been an involved aunt. The depression is real. Please have grace for her and her husband. They are going through a lot right now and are doing all they can to just get by. 

  Report0 Reply
• ashleyjane1988 member

  September 2022 edited September 2022

  All of my sisters have been supportive and understanding. One of my sisters even bought my husband and I a care package and take out food when we had our ectopic pregnancy. Just delivered them to my door and left. She texts me often to check in. She has been such a supportive blessing. She has 2 chidren and does not expect me to be enganged right now. Try to be a blessing in your brother-in-law and sister-in-law's life without expecting anything from them. 

  Report0 Reply
• janeymac1234 member

  September 2022 edited September 2022

  We didn't really give them much support like what you have received above during their journey such as food packages/ groceries. We did offer our condolences though in a text though.

  Report0 Reply
• nken20 member

  September 2022

  Hello Janey your post is an eyeopener for me.  It is perfectly natural for you to expect from them but it is something that you should not dwell on.  They too have their own struggles.  Congratulations though for your success!

  Report0 Reply
• frappuccino member

  September 2022

  I never expect gifts ever, in any situation. Gifts should always be appreciated but never expected.

  Report0 Reply
• knottie9e7427a518547f70 member

  January 2023

  First of all, congratulations on your child. Secondly, you need to remember that you're INCREDIBLY PRIVILEGED to have a healthy live child right now and many of us can only dream of that day. I had to take a deep breath before writing this, but think I have a useful perspective to share. I also suffered two losses last year and am in the middle of IVF. First of all, don't take offense by their lack of excitement and involvement. I will tell you honestly that they almost certainly cried when they heard your news. Not because they aren't happy for you, but because they are in a really tough time in their lives and your news was incredibly triggering for them. They have lost two children and are currently in the middle of one of the hardest and most emotional times they have ever had to face in their lives. IVF chews you up and spits you out and you feel overwhelmed, hopeless and INSANELY bitter. It's not something we can control, but it's universal and it's real. It's no reflection on how they feel about you, they're just doing what they have to do to survive the trauma.
  
  Please be gentle with them. Do not expect anything from them, but if you hear from them or receive a gift down the line, you can be pleasantly surprised. They love you and they're happy for you, but let them come to you when they're ready and PLEASE don't be upset or give them a hard time about not reaching out or not giving you a gift. Honestly it's pretty shi**y that you're even offended by that at all. Gifts should NEVER be expected from anyone and you should be more considerate of their trauma. By the sound of your message you haven't done much to support them in their infertility, so how could you expect more from them in response? Give them space, they're grieving and just trying to hold their shi*t together and survive.

  Report2 Reply