Blended Families
babymama0122
member
What is wrong with me?!
babymama0122
member
I’ve been in my SS life since he was born, He will be 3 soon. I used to have a good relationship with him. His bio mom has been in and out of the picture due to CPS getting involved. She’s an alcoholic/drug addict - I’ll spare you the details.
We’ve given up everything and even moved to a new state to be with our SS. We are in an undesirable living situation and it’s impossible to afford a decent life out here. We currently have him full time with the exceptional of 4 hours/week supervised visitations with his bio mom. She has given up nothing but the court keeps giving her chances. We never wanted to come to this state but did for him, and now I can’t help to picture my life somewhere else. What opportunities we’ve given up to be here for him, all so I can raise him and she can see him for a few hours a week.
I have a 6 month old son, whom I love more than anything. Ever since I had him, I realized what it meant to love a child as your own. He is my blood, he is my everything!! I have an incredible bond with my baby, and I used to with my SS. But now? I just can’t stand him. It’s like I hold all this resentment in him. I noticed the change in feelings shortly after my son was born. I do have PPD.
I hate saying this. I do. I know it’s ME. Because he is a child and it is not his fault he is here. I chose to sacrifice for him. I chose to have a baby with his father. I am 10000% fully aware that he has done nothing wrong. He is a sweet child, a good kid, although delayed (due to her neglect/drug abuse during pregnancy).
I’ve raised him more than she has. If we had the chance, we would move out of this area as soon as possible. We can’t even afford to get out of my in laws basement. We have barely any family here. No opportunity. It’s depressing and after two years of being here, I hate it. I hate my life here. I think I hold resentment in my SS bc he’s the ONLY reason why we’re here. I feel like I love him as family, like a nephew, but I wouldn’t say as my own or even close to my son.
I love him, I know I do, because I feel so much anger towards his mother as we actively are fighting in court for full custody (we have found out some disturbing details about her). I know I care. But why am I feeling so much dislike towards him? I often picture how my life would be different without him, how much easier. I felt robbed out of a lot, and I know it was all my choice so I don’t blame him.
What is wrong with me?! Why am I disliking an innocent child!!! I fear that it won’t go away and my son will see it!! I had emotionally unavailable parents and I am now seeing how my parenting is reflecting that. Now I’m the emotionally unavailable (step)parent (Obviously I don’t abuse/neglect him). I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better stepmom. I want to be happy and love my life and love my children. I am sick of being resentful. But given our current situation (we are STRUGGLING), it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why do I love being a mom and hate being a stepmom?
I just don’t know what to do. Someone please tell me I’m not alone, please tell me it gets better, please tell me what helped you.
Please no negative comments. I am fully aware how sh!tty I sound right now. I am posting for genuine advice/help, not criticism. I think I at least did the first step in acknowledging my feelings towards all this. Thank you for the help.
We’ve given up everything and even moved to a new state to be with our SS. We are in an undesirable living situation and it’s impossible to afford a decent life out here. We currently have him full time with the exceptional of 4 hours/week supervised visitations with his bio mom. She has given up nothing but the court keeps giving her chances. We never wanted to come to this state but did for him, and now I can’t help to picture my life somewhere else. What opportunities we’ve given up to be here for him, all so I can raise him and she can see him for a few hours a week.
I have a 6 month old son, whom I love more than anything. Ever since I had him, I realized what it meant to love a child as your own. He is my blood, he is my everything!! I have an incredible bond with my baby, and I used to with my SS. But now? I just can’t stand him. It’s like I hold all this resentment in him. I noticed the change in feelings shortly after my son was born. I do have PPD.
I hate saying this. I do. I know it’s ME. Because he is a child and it is not his fault he is here. I chose to sacrifice for him. I chose to have a baby with his father. I am 10000% fully aware that he has done nothing wrong. He is a sweet child, a good kid, although delayed (due to her neglect/drug abuse during pregnancy).
I’ve raised him more than she has. If we had the chance, we would move out of this area as soon as possible. We can’t even afford to get out of my in laws basement. We have barely any family here. No opportunity. It’s depressing and after two years of being here, I hate it. I hate my life here. I think I hold resentment in my SS bc he’s the ONLY reason why we’re here. I feel like I love him as family, like a nephew, but I wouldn’t say as my own or even close to my son.
I love him, I know I do, because I feel so much anger towards his mother as we actively are fighting in court for full custody (we have found out some disturbing details about her). I know I care. But why am I feeling so much dislike towards him? I often picture how my life would be different without him, how much easier. I felt robbed out of a lot, and I know it was all my choice so I don’t blame him.
What is wrong with me?! Why am I disliking an innocent child!!! I fear that it won’t go away and my son will see it!! I had emotionally unavailable parents and I am now seeing how my parenting is reflecting that. Now I’m the emotionally unavailable (step)parent (Obviously I don’t abuse/neglect him). I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better stepmom. I want to be happy and love my life and love my children. I am sick of being resentful. But given our current situation (we are STRUGGLING), it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why do I love being a mom and hate being a stepmom?
I just don’t know what to do. Someone please tell me I’m not alone, please tell me it gets better, please tell me what helped you.
Please no negative comments. I am fully aware how sh!tty I sound right now. I am posting for genuine advice/help, not criticism. I think I at least did the first step in acknowledging my feelings towards all this. Thank you for the help.
Re: What is wrong with me?!
I would suggest two things. First, therapy for yourself. You are in a hard place and understandably have some strong feelings about it. That's okay! But you need to find an appropriate outlet/direction for those, and a therapist can help you both to verbalize it accurately (mad at mom, sad you had to move, regretting X, etc.) and find a healthy outlet for it so it doesn't get directed at innocents or in a harmful way. Second, I'd encourage a mindset of empathy towards your SS. Honestly, he's the biggest victim here - he's been abused/neglected, he has suffered for it, he doesn't have the best living situation and can't do anything about it, and he has had no choice or voice in it all. Developing compassion for him can help you develop more of a "you and me against this sucky situation" perspective than a you vs me perspective.
I'm a step mom, too. I know it's hard, I know that it's normal not to love your stepchild "as your own", I know there's a lot of grief in this life and grieving over what you wanted your life to be. But it's not your stepson's fault, a d he doesn't deserve your anger. Learning how to let your anger go will help you in the long run, but for now at the very least, direct it towards the right person or thing. Finally, what helped me the most (though this may not apply to you)is God/my faith. Loving my stepson isn't something I do because he's lovable, I love because God loved me first; I'm trying to reflect the love I've received from God onto others, specifically my stepson. It's not because he deserves it or I feel it, it's an act of service and gratitude towards God. Second, praying for my stepson's mom helped me to keep a more positive attitude and empathy towards her.