Support in delivery room?

kat_vegan87 · July 2022

Hey all! I saw this in the third trimester group and thought I’d share it here. If you are comfortable sharing, who will be with you in the delivery room? The person who started this didn’t want her partner to see everything. I know I go back and forth on some things because I would still like to “feel sexy” with my partner. What’s everyone else leaning towards?

kat_vegan87 · July 2022

When I was pregnant with DS, my bf and I would get into HUGE arguments over birthing expectations. I told him that he wasn’t allowed to look down there because I would like to continue to have a sex life with him after. He wanted to see the whole thing and told me that he’d still totally have sex after seeing everything and how I needed to realize how natural it was and whatnot. He does have an older child with someone else and saw everything, but DS was my first. Anyways I ended up with an emergency C-section so neither of us got our way

but after going through labor with him and everything else, we’ve even talked about him catching DD! I’ve totally swapped my views. I personally can’t imagine going through labor and delivery without him. I do have friends that prefer their friends rather than partners in the delivery room though.

bows22 · July 2022

I can’t even fathom not having DH there but I do think he is a little traumatized from DD’s birth. He is an amazing guy and isn’t grossed out by much and it hasn’t affected our sex life or anything but my OB kind of dared him to look once DD’s head was coming out and I think he wishes he hadn’t seen that. There was some TV show we saw a couple of years after and a character said something like “yep, that’s a human head coming out of a human vagina” and DH kind of muttered “it certainly is” 😆 poor guy.

So I guess my point is, definitely don’t worry about your partner seeing you like that but maybe tell him it’s okay to not look if he doesn’t want to 😂

But if for some reason DH couldn’t be there I would choose to do it alone. No one else needs to see that and anyone else would just annoy me.

krysnicole1022 · July 2022

I have c sections and I can say with absolute certainty that seeing a baby pulled out of his sliced open wife (who had just gone through 60 hours of labor) was not something he ever wants to see again. I know for a fact he would have stayed up high if I had pushed any of our babies out. He held my hand and supported me but also learned to stay out of the way sometimes. He really struggles with watching me devastated and in pain. In the respect he preferred the scheduled C section. He really wasn't excited about the prospect of VBAC with number 2. Not because he didn't support it but because he was afraid of how I would feel if I ended up with another c section.
It's just me and my husband. We have no family and none of my friends live around us. We've become this completely solid two person team. He's a wonderful support person in the delivery room and OR. I want absolutely no one else around. He's very good at distracting me when I know he's absolutely terrified something will go wrong and he will lose me.

krthouse · July 2022

My hubby very much looked and was amazed and it did not at all change his interest in my body in intimacy. If anything I had a harder time with intimacy afterwards, but that's a long story. I'm a little stubborn about men needing to grow up and embrace that our bodies do many things and don't exist solely to cater to sex and attraction. I feel like what our bodies are capable of should actually make them more desirable! That said we can't smash the patriarchy overnight. I feel like best approach is to help desensitize by watching and reading lots about childbirth in ways that normalizes it so their first exposure isn't in the moment when you need their support.

jen_third22 · July 2022

My husband looked too with my first two and nothing changed for us. I was asked with my first if I wanted a mirror so I could see. I was hesitant, but after saying yes, and it really helped me focus on my pushing. If you want to be amazed by your body and what it can do and aren’t faint of heart, take a look yourself!

My husband will be there with this one, but I know we’re having a C-section and just assumed he’d stay up by me to not see me cut open. That being said, we still need to discuss if he wants to go directly to the NICU with the babies or stay with me, so not sure if my mom would come for some of the recovery depending on if my kids are at daycare/school or if she needs to be watching them.

krysnicole1022 · July 2022

@jen_third22 They might ask him if he wants to stand up to watch the babies get pulled out but he will be staying by you no matter what. When they had to take my second off to the NICU (born not breathing. Had to run extra tests) I had my husband go with her because I wanted one of us to be with her if I couldn't. It made me feel better knowing he was with her even if I couldn't be. Also in our hospital it is policy to have a parent go with to NICU or Nursery so they can do those arm band alarm things. With my third it wasn't an issue because I had a spinal and was able to hold him and we did all of it together. I wasn't feeling well after my first or second so my husband had to escort them to the nursery/NICU.

jen_third22 · July 2022

@krysnicole1022 That is all helpful to know. I realize I asked my care team some NICU questions a while ago, but I need to write down down some questions to ask to make sure I’m up on their policies and options for both the NICU and C-section. Also want to have a general plan in place with my husband in case I end up having an emergency C-section.

KGETS86 · July 2022

Definitely just my husband in the room. He’s watched all 3 kids come out so far, and it has had zero impact on how he views me and our intimacy.

I love having just us (and medical support) in the room, especially for subsequent kids, because it feels like the one time we can focus on just the newest addition.

Someone in my August 2016 group asked about having your other kids in the delivery room. I had a hard enough time FaceTiming my kids in active labor last time, I can’t even imagine worrying about them, and delivering a baby safely at the same time. They’re also 6 (autistic), 4.5 and 2.5, so not the most independent yet.

kat_vegan87 · July 2022

@KGETS86- I’ve definitely thought about having DS (aged 5) in there when the baby is born since I’ll be at a birthing center and not a hospital. I keep going back and forth though. Has anyone else had their kids be apart of the baby being born? I love watching birthing blogs where siblings are there ❤️

krysnicole1022 · July 2022

I've known a few home birth mamas who don't like having toddlers/preschoolers present but I think it's a judgement call. I feel like I would be distracted.

bows22 · July 2022

I was thinking the other day that I think DD (she will be a month away from 5) would love to be there. She’s really low key, if she had a different personality I may feel differently. My only concern would be if something went wrong I wouldn’t want her to be scared, so I don’t know if I would go through with it but I do think it would be a cool experience!

krthouse · July 2022

Oh I forgot to mention my sister will also be there! I was her second birth partner, largely to help with translating as much as possible for my BIL whose first language is Korean. I don't speak Korean fluently but could understand medical terminology and simplify it in a way for him to understand more clearly. I'm so excited to have her be a part of this, especially since I couldn't have anyone other than DH with my first because of covid restrictions. She's also much more intuitive and touchy feely than my husband and she aligns closely with my birth preferences so it'll be great to have her there.

KGETS86 · July 2022

@kat_vegan87 I’m high risk and will likely get induced for gestational hypertension. Last time I felt like absolute hot garbage until he arrived, so I definitely don’t want any of my kids there. Plus, blood freaks my daughter out. It will be like a vacation. We’re not even having the kids visit this time because it’s so stressful, and there are so many meltdowns when they have to leave without mommy.

@krysni I’m with you. I’d be too distracted having any of them there. It feels like my one time to kind of be selfish as a parent.

All that being said, if I don’t have someone to watch my kids, which is looking likely, I’ll probably give birth by myself. My friend offered, but if my husband can’t be there, I don’t know that I want anyone else being there. The nurses at the hospital have always been so amazing, so I know I’ll be in amazing hands.

krysnicole1022 · July 2022

@KGETS86 I'm looking for a part time/occasional sitter on sittercity with the caveat that they have to be available the day of my c section. I normally have a friend that will watch and maybe I could get someone to come and travel from somewhere (we have no family and only one friend nearby). If my husband wasn't so adamant about being there for the birth of his child I would just go at it alone because at the very least I would have the peace of mind that the kids were doing okay. My 9 year old is extra needs and along with that comes high strung anxiety. Knowing I'm in surgery is going to make her super difficult and she's going to be bouncing off the walls. My middle child should be in school that day.
I absolutely don't want any kids near me except the baby. It will be the only time that it's just me and him because once we get home he's going to have to share me with so many other people. They aren't coming to the hospital I don't think until it's time to pick me up. I will just need some time to get myself together and snuggle that fresh baby boy that's my last fresh baby ever.

krysnicole1022 · July 2022

Also when I was in labor/attempting delivery my husband talked to me but basically stayed out of the way the second time. With my attempted VBAC they had a whole time of nurses and doctors to monitor everything that happened so he held my hand and said encouraging things but the nurses did all the leg holding and stuff.

shortstack930 · July 2022

DH looked when I was pushing with DD1 and he legit almost passed out. They had to sit him down and take his vitals and everything. I had told him not to look since he’s super squeamish as it is. I ended up with a stat c-section anyway. It was just him and I for DD2 since it was a scheduled section and will be the same this time. I have a lot of patients who have a ton of people in the delivery room and I never understand why. It’s annoying to keep asking people to step out when we’re doing cervical checks and stuff and everyone keeps getting in the way of the medical team. Plus, I wouldn’t want like 7 family members staring at my vagina as a baby comes out.

reirei84 · July 2022

I couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else but DH in the room. He will not be watching the “whole show” though 😂 He’s very squeamish, like, the nurse had to get him smelling salts when I was getting the epidural put in and he just had to hold my hand!

ferret22 · July 2022

I just want my spouse there and no one else (besides the medical professionals). I imagine it will be a bonding moment for the two of us as we welcome our first kid into the world. We are full partners on this and anyone else would feel like a distraction or an intrusion. I think I'd prefer if he didn't look down there, but if it's important to him that's fine. I'm pretty sure it won't affect our sex life, but I'm a little prudish about personal privacy.

KGETS86 · July 2022

@krysnicole1022 My 6yo has extra needs too, and doesn’t do well with pretty much anyone. I’m trying to push to get induced on a specific date so that I can have my husband drop me off to get started, then he can get the kids off to school and be back in time to help. And *maybe* can convince my mom to fly out to help with the kids during the day, because she’s worked with autistic students for over 20 years and my oldest seems to respond the best to her.

So far my provider isn’t budging, but I’m sure once the anxiety of it all starts impacting my BP, she’ll start to come around to the idea.

I told my husband that I didn’t even want the kids to come to take me home from the hospital. We’ve got high risk for Covid, and I just don’t need those problems (which is also why we have no one to watch them).

I also totally agree about being just you and baby. When you come home to 3 other kids, you need to cherish that 1:1 time while you can!

krysnicole1022 · July 2022

@KGETS86 I can relate to this so much.

sandy5693 · July 2022

It will just be my husband and I - and I love him so much, but we both agree that there will probably be a large amount of time that I wish I was there alone.

He gets so restless and jittery with down time and he's also a type 1 diabetic so any change in routine usually affects his health which affects my stress levels. Hopefully he's able to occupy himself and his blood sugar cooperates for a few days.

Support in delivery room?

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