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Sad and Depressed

knottie01cba42d9749aadbknottie01cba42d9749aadb member
in 2nd Trimester
Hey guys,

I am 20w+1d pregnant. I changed my OB so that my husband can attend and I don’t have to be alone.

Now my husband is allowed to come to the appointments. My 1st appointment with this OB is on June 15.

I asked my husband if he wants to come. He said no. I immediately wanted to cry but stopped myself until he left for the job.

The moment he stepped out I burst into tears. I feel supper lonely. My family is in a different country. He is the only support I have. It really hurts how he’s not able to understand.

I thought pregnancy is going to be all attention and love but I feel lonely, tired and sad.

I don’t even know if my feelings are real or pregnancy blues as they say you will have mood swings. But it really hurts.

Pregnancy is one of the loneliest time you have specially there’s nobody who’s as excited as you.

I need help and support. I don’t know what to do.

Should I discuss with him? But I will not be comfortable if he comes just for making me feel better. I don’t wanna force him for something he don’t wanna do.

Any advice for me mammas?

I really appreciate if someone could just drop in a text.
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Re: Sad and Depressed

  • lilswedlilswed member
    Sorry you are feeling so alone. I’m a big proponent for talking things out with my partner- communication and expectation (spoken and unspoken) are heightened even more after the baby comes, so practice now will help. 

    My husband was excited but didn’t feel connected to the baby until much later in pregnancy. Try to use some phrases like “When you said you didn’t want to come it made me feel alone in this pregnancy” “Seeing the baby on the ultrasound helps me connect, I want you to have the same opportunity” or just ask why he doesn’t want to come. 

    We all have those days of disconnect from our partner and hormones can heighten that- it doesn’t mean that is what it will always feel like. 
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  • bearcatbabybearcatbaby member
    Sorry you are feeling this way and hope things improve for you. Maybe find a group of other expecting mothers in your area and meet up, it will help with the loneliness.
    As for your husband, did he outright say No or was there more to it, like it’s difficult to get time off from work or it’s a regular checkup without the ultrasound so it’s not necessarily worth him going to? In general, is he happy about the pregnancy and wanted to have a child? Was there a lot on his mind when you talked to him about the appointment?
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  • dobiemom11dobiemom11 member
    I am sorry that happened to you.  You might want to find your birth month group here on the Bump.  It will have women due the same time as you and can be a great way to connect.  I have stayed connected with some of the women from my group even though our children are older now.  We were able to support each other through pregnancy and sleepless nights, blow out diapers, teething troubles, etc. 
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  • paperbirdladypaperbirdlady member
    Even if hormones are making your feelings bigger, they're still valid. My husband was very excited when I told him we're going to have a baby but he hasn't been as supportive as I expected. He didn't want to read any pregnancy literature or take an interest in female health. Then he broke his ankle and now I'm the only able-bodied adult in the house. I have to literally do everything despite my morning sickness, exhaustion, and migraines. At least I can count on a friend to take him to some doctor's appointments.

    I know you don't want to hear this but I advise you to look for support elsewhere. Some husbands just don't get it. If you don't have mom, bestie, or a mom friend, find one now. You don't have to wait until your child is in school to make mom friends. Look for a local new mom's support group or start chatting up the other ladies at your doctor's office. Don't feel awkward. I hate people but this is probably the one time I'm open to meeting new people. 
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  • knottie8375b675555f27a9knottie8375b675555f27a9 member
    I've been feeling like that too. My family is in a different country too and that makes it worse. I would say you have to talk to him and see how it goes. And in this time we are definitely more sensitives so a lot of things that our family or friends said and we don't like is gonna hurt. But keep going you are doing an amazing job ❤️ you body and you mind is facing a lot of changes and is not easy. 
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  • counselormamacounselormama member
    My therapist and support group have been so helpful for me. If recommend looking for both especially to have them in place before delivery bc symptoms can get worse without the right support. You’re not alone💚 but those feelings are so hard to deal with when you do feel alone. Keep reaching out!!
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  • alexa_rosiealexa_rosie member
    Sorry to hear that! You deserve to be supported! The one way is you can ask him to come to the appts so he can ask questions that you may not be thinking of asking even from male/logistical standpoint. Every time when we go with my husband he asks questions that I would forget to ask or don’t even think to ask. Appeal to your husband’s noble motives. 
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  • nicademus20nicademus20 member
    edited July 2022
    Sending you so many HUGS!! 
    I also thought pregnancy was supposed to be celebrated and everyone would want to be with me and know what was happening. 
    Except some friends drifted away, enough that only one friend of 3 has seen my baby and he is 5 months old now. 
    My partner hardly helps out and didn't come to any appointments with me. I understand that he was working, but ..still felt alone when there's all those ultrasound appointments with the partner in movies and..other shit that makes it not worth comparing real life to. 
    Because real life sucks in comparison. 

    I suggest talking with your partner, but also know that if he doesn't seem as excited as you, it could be he may not understand the mother/pregnancy bond. So it could be that he may not see it as much a big deal as we do..that is sortof how my boyfriend put it to me so you may hear the same. 
    To them, they need something tangible. My boyfriend didn't want to hold our baby at first as our boy was 4.9lbs and tiny, so he said he may hurt him to hold the baby. While I was in the NICU I heard another man say for his premature baby thT he was afraid to hold it too. 
    We may never understand men's minds about babies like they may never understand our bond and the importance of them being there, for us and the baby. 

    I hope the best for you. Also, you're not the only one that feels alone during the pregnancy, and possibly afterwards. *HUGS*
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  • knottie0befb480c435f2e9knottie0befb480c435f2e9 Just Joined
    I’m feeling the same way. I moved to a different state with my husband about a year ago, so he is the only one I have. 13 hours away from my friends, family, and everything I’ve ever known. Everything I was comfortable with. It was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve done, since I’m only 20. I’m currently 22 weeks and a day, and I’ve been in the same situation. My husband has always been super interested in having a baby, and has always talked about it. Now that we have finally gotten pregnant he doesn’t seem as interested. The pregnancy hasn't been the easiest on us, as there were some complications we’ve discovered.
    He and I are completely opposite from each other, and the things I see as important he may not see the same. Doing things without him is hard for me, now that I’m pregnant it’s extra hard. He doesn’t seem to want to go to appointments with me, or walk with me, or go to the store with me.. and it all makes me feel so lonely and a little forgotten.
    I was talking to a close, trusted relative about how he hasn’t been very connected with me or even the baby yet, after being so ready to have a child. And she had said that women sometimes have an instant connection with the baby because they are quite literally apart of us. We share the next 9 months with these babies, as the partner doesn’t really know or experience anything during that time.
    It’s made me feel a little better knowing and understanding that my partner doesn’t really understand the changes and feelings our body and mind go through, because they aren’t living it, we are! Talking to your partner makes things a whole lot easier!! I’ve even been expressing myself a lot more since I’ve become knowledgeable of it because he can’t read my mind! I have to tell him what’s going on and what I’m experiencing, or else he’s completely in the dark!
    I hope things get better for you <3
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  • knottieb3812ad1b783f38bknottieb3812ad1b783f38b member
    This really hit home for a new mom, newly married, with a new family, in a brand new country without any status. I've been in my feelings too and all I really have in this country is my husband. I definitely understand how lonely it is. I can't even get a job here because I have no status yet and who knows when my paperwork will get processed. It really sucks. I spend most of my hours in my bed, scrolling through articles. I definitely understand. 
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  • mahalove108mahalove108 member
    I'm sorry to all of you fabulous mommas who aren't being seen and supported in the world the way you should be.  And I'm sorry for these men who are missing out on these amazing opportunities in their lives.   And yay to reaching out for support!  I hope it gets better! 💗
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  • knottiec1bd6c5399b4642aknottiec1bd6c5399b4642a member
    That's so tough! I feel for you. 

    I'm pregnant now with my 2nd. With my 1st, my husband came with me to all appointments and classes, but he wasn't as involved outside of that. He didn't want to read about pregnancy or birth on his own, and he never did things like talk to my belly, etc. He didn't seem that interested in conversations about the pregnancy and had a very muted reaction when I told him I was pregnant (even though we had planned the pregnancy). He helped take care of me when I needed it, but he wasn't that interested in the growing fetus. I was worried that he'd be equally uninterested when baby came. 

    I realize now that he was just trying to protect his feelings in case things didn't work out. As soon as baby came, he was the most involved dad I've ever seen. He was ecstatic to be a father and did most of the diaper changes for the first month. Breastfeeding was difficult and emotional for me at first, so he sat with me for every feeding, even in the middle of the night, until I felt more comfortable. 

    Now that I'm pregnant with my 2nd, I don't worry about the fact that he doesn't want to talk to my belly, etc.

    I really hope things work out for you as well! I would try to have an honest and vulnerable conversation with your husband, approaching it with "I feel" statements instead of blame. If it's your first pregnancy, maybe your husband doesn't know how important it is for you to have his support right now since this is all new to him as well. Good luck!
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