FTM best advice you've heard so far? STM+ thoughts on the advice?

wileybliss · June 2022

I'll go first! My eldest sister and my best friend both told me they didn't expect the attachment that baby has to mom with complete ambivalence to their husbands. Both husbands were hurt and expected bonding to feel natural. For context, one breastfed and the other formula fed so it wasn't necessarily the breastfeeding. My best friend said her husband especially struggled not being able to calm the baby and as soon as she would hold their son, he would stop crying. Their advice was just to set the expectations with my husband early on so he knows there's a high chance baby will only want me for a long time. I'd love to hear any other advice on how to help husbands bond with the baby. Also, I'd love to hear other advice that felt eye opening from FTMs and STM+ firsthand experience with that advice.

krysnicole1022 · June 2022

My husband is just not a baby person. He prefers toddlers when he can share their interests. He spends more time with our older kids after we have a baby and not a ton of time with the baby during the day. He will get up at night and all that but he's just not a baby person. I am a baby person so it works out because I like to soak up every bit of babyness we can.

jen_third22 · June 2022

Both my kids loved sleeping in my husband’s arms. He could easily fit them scrunched up in one arm and they would just fall asleep. In general, they’d want me when upset or hungry (at home they were EBF) which was hard for my husband. If the dad/partner is a baby person, I’d suggest just giving them time with the baby. Skin to skin from day one can help that bond and is good for baby. Even if dad doesn’t do something the way you would, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I think moms can also get overprotective of babies because we grew them and do have a special bond, but giving up control to the dad (and leaving the room so baby doesn’t see/smell mom) can be really helpful for their bond.

pangolindrome · June 2022

The best advice I've heard is that your baby needs to eat however your baby wants to eat. If that is breastfeeding, bottle with breastmilk, or bottle with formula does not matter for as long as your baby is eating. It says NOTHING about you as a mom or your ability to provide for your child's needs.

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FTM so all of this is either stuff I've been told or thoughts I have.

My MIL keeps telling hubbs to talk to baby since she can hear pretty well. It is supposed to get her more used to his voice and increase that bond as well. I don't know how true this rings "in the wild."
I'm not a baby person at all. I have ZERO natural draw to babies and I do not understand them (although I feel the same about kids until they're like... 5...) but my husband generally has great instincts. I fully expect baby June to want to sleep on him and enjoy his warmth and heartbeat like I do.

Skin-to-skin, wearing baby, getting baby used to dad as well. Those are my hopes. Maybe having him be close for feeding so his smell is there too and associated with that comfort (if we EBF) and having him maybe be touching her during feeding.

krysnicole1022 · June 2022

I will say that it has made no difference with my girls that I was the primary care/feeder for their first year of life. My son is definitely more attached to me but I think he's just surrounded by so many females all the time that it's just his comfort zone. Haha. He has so many fun things he does with his dad and my husband has all these things he just does with each kid. I will add that my husband's favorite thing about babies is napping with them because he can nap anywhere and he tends to pull them to sleep with his sleepiness.

bows22 · June 2022

My husband and daughter bonded right away. I basically couldn’t walk when I got home from the hospital because the bed there hurt my back so badly, so DH did a ton and that probably helped. I also exclusively pumped so we both fed her and I’m sure that contributed too. I definitely think it’s better for everyone to be mentally prepared that it might take longer for the bond to kick in, and even a good reminder for me to talk to DH about this that it’s normal if it doesn’t happen so quickly this time.

bows22 · June 2022

@pangolindrome 100% agree with the advice that any way you feed your baby is fine. And just to add to that, regardless if you (anyone) is able to breastfeed, if you choose to formula feed just because you want to and that’s what works best for your situation, that’s totally valid too. I don’t know when BF became the threshold that every mom is measured against.

krysnicole1022 · June 2022

Honestly BF is kind of bullshit so I absolutely don't blame anyone who either pumps exclusively, supplements with formula, or just skips straight to formula. Too many women stress themselves to sickness because they've been told "breast is best" but like ... I'm pretty sure a nourished baby is best. I think we can all agree that crushing the spirit of a new mom by telling her she's not trying hard enough is absolute crap. It hurts. You get swollen ducts. Some women get chapped and bleeding nipples while they are dealing with blood coming out of their nether regions. So ladies, cut yourself a break now because you have no idea how it's going to play out. Fed is 100% best.

krysnicole1022 · June 2022

Basically do what feels right to you.

krthouse · June 2022

The bonding has come in shifts for us. Early on baby was definitely more easily soothed by me, but we also went through a long phase of him only going to sleep for DH. Now I'd say we're about 50/50, with DS preferring me for some things and DH for others. In general I think birthing parents tend to get much more aimed at them for preparing for baby than their partners. It might be a great idea to have your partner have some longer hangout chats about stuff like this with other parents who have experienced it firsthand in a nice casual no pressure way. Lots of skin to skin also helps.

Best thing I needed to know earlier than I did was that just because baby is gaining does not necessarily mean they have a healthy latch for breastfeeding. I dealt with awful nipple pain and damage but everyone said that was normal if baby was gaining. Turned out he had tongue and lip ties, which we finally got fixed at 5 months. Not only did that totally change our breastfeeding experience for the better, but it also significantly reduced his gas pains and excessive spit up because he wasn't taking in too much extra air. The only reason I knew to advocate for myself was thanks to a gem of a mama sharing a list of signs of ties on her story. My breastfeeding advice to new mamas is always that if it hurts for more than 10 seconds the latch is wrong.

Also there are so many things during postpartum as an FTM where you wonder if something's wrong or if it's just the new normal of motherhood. People often don't get help they need because they assume they're just not cut out for it or something. When in doubt it never ever hurts to ask a friend or a professional. There is no shame in not knowing!

jen_third22 · June 2022

It’s always good to remember that every baby is different too. That’s really a reminder to STMs, but also for FTMs to not compare their baby to others. Sleeping and breastfeeding, my first was pretty easy. My second, not so much. My second had a terrible tongue tie that we got released before she was a week old. If that would have been with my first and I hadn’t already had a successful breastfeeding experience, I don’t know what I would have done. My second also didn’t sleep well and even at 2, many times she still needs someone to come in at least once at a night.

krysnicole1022 · June 2022

So true @jen_third22. Every baby is different and parenting is different with each baby.

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FTM best advice you've heard so far? STM+ thoughts on the advice?

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